5 Reasons I hate South Africa & South Africans

I initially wrote a quick blog about the many irritations I deal with on a daily basis by simply being a South African living in my “home country”.

As I continued to add more and more content, I found the blog turning out to be something of a labour of love/hate.

I didn’t want to just spew out a few luda-WHAT statements about my annoyances that would garner a knee jerk reaction by those who are proudly South African, an oxymoron in itself I’m sure, but I actually wanted to give factual (if not totally opinionated) examples of day to day living.

This has led me to delay the posting of this blog until I was completely satisfied with it. As each day came and went I felt the need grow to make this blog post something special to me.

I am not a proud South African. I have given my blood sweat and tears to this country, and i have been rewarded with crime, loss, dehumanization and so many more factor which I will address.

Below are the top 5 factors that lead to my absolute hate of the country and its people. In each case, I have no doubt there will be exceptions to my thoughts, but I also don’t care, I’m far too judgmental to be bothered to separate people, so I’ll rather just lump everyone together under one banner and label you all.

So, if you are offended easily then a) stop reading right here b)grow a pair and accept that you are part of the problem c) help contribute to my NYC fund and help get rid of someone who is constantly negative about the country.

You will see many references to words such as “accountability” and “responsibility”, which is expected, since it’s the common thread in this post, and quite possible a reason on its own.

Still here? Ok…well then….let’s begin.

5) The non existence of service delivery

I’ve previously blogged about quality control on products in SA , but my hatred for this runs so much deeper than a simple typo on a DVD cover or incorrect packaging. There is a distinct lack of accountability on products and service & support in this country.

If you’ve ever gone to a customer service section of a chain store, such as a Game, or Pick n Pay or Hyperama, you will immediately have a distinct memory of a frustration (or in fact a belittling attitude) you have had to deal with.

Firstly getting acknowledged by the employee on the other side of the counter is an effort. A simple hello, or smile really does not cost a thing (much like J-lo’s love), and goes a long way to setting the tone for the rest of the complaint/query.

I’m the first one to understand that I am just one of hundreds of customers dealt with on a weekly basis, but quite honestly I don’t give a damn. If you are working in a customer services division, you have a job to do. Love it or Leave it. You should treat each and every customer with personal attention. It’s a simple code your store should live by.

As an English speaking person, I also expect all communications about me or regarding my query to be relayed in English. Side conversations to a supervisor or section manger in an African language I don’t speak are not only disrespectful to me as a client, but also result in a broken telephone translation of what I am actually asking assistance on. – This results in further frustration.

This apathy to doing a job starts at petrol pump attendant level and goes right to the top to government.

Have you ever called a customer service helpline? Has the person on the other end ever actually understood what you are asking?

Trust me, Ive been on the other side too, it takes a certain kind of person to offer support. I did it for 8 years, and I was damn good at it, even though I hated it.

In this day and age, how can so many people be so ungrateful that they have a job to the extent where they couldn’t be bothered if they do it properly?

The country has promised so much job creation to its people, I just never realized that they pick jobs out of hat for each person.

What ever happened to the right person for the right job approach?
What about municipal governments contribution? how many time have you not have water? electricity? not had your garbage collection? This is a weekly concern. I pay rates and taxes on time, and the exact amounts im billed for (well…there was that one time…for a few months)…I dont ask for much…just to be treated like a human being by my own government. we don’t get explanations as to why these things occur…if we lucky, someone catches them out on a lie, THEN we get some sort of explanation.

Next week I’m going to try being a doctor. Hey at least it’s a job….

4) The Youth

You’ve heard your parents say it in some variation or another “kids today!”…well I’m sorry to say …they are right.

The youth of today is nothing short of embarrassing. Perhaps this is more personal one since I lost my childhood through circumstance and never got to experience the “youth gone wild”…But even kids of my age where never this bad.

Now, I understand each generation has their catch phrases and habits…but have you ever had a conversation with anyone below the age of 16? I have… many times (bless those internet chat rooms….I joke I joke). It’s almost impossible to actually have an English conversation with them. Seriously, it’s like trying to decipher the Da Vinci code.

They can’t even be bothered to spell correctly anymore. They abbreviate the word “the”!!!!…these are habits that wont get broken. When students inevitably get to write exams via cellphones, I’m sure we will get the following:
Question: What brought on the downfall of Obama’s presidency?
Answer: Pd. Obama, s0ught 2 rule 2 much. Causing cuntries 2 ask “WYD”.

Ok ok, see I can’t do it LOL.

I’m sure this is something that a global problem, especially with things like the internet and mobile phones around to influence them, but my point is there is a distinct dumbing down of the youth, and what’s worse is there is an increase apathy about being a good decent person.

We see kids go to school and kill their schoolmate with knives, guns, samurai swords.
We see kids accused of rape.
We see kids torturing animals.
All on the increase. With no remorse.
And we see these things, because the youth are thoughtful enough to record it on their camera phones and send to us via Bluetooth.

Kids are more interested in going to a friends house when the parents are away and indulging in alcohol, smoking and irresponsible sex. Then of course tagging each other on Facebook.

Didn’t there used to be rules in society that protected families from these sort of influences?

I happen to have the TV on often, and can’t help but watch the train wreck that is Youth TV. South African kids presenters are a ridiculous showcase for the “cool and hip”
White guys try to be gangsta black
Black guys try to be American black.
Girls well…girls will be girls.

The South African youth has lost their identity. They follow US trends and try to duplicate them – to embarrassing proportions. Are you not diverse enough as it is? Can you not find some common ground to be something that is a true representation of South Africa?

We have an ANC “youth leader” that is nothing short of a moron. He is preaching idiotic ways and means that to an easily influenced youth will hold water. So where is the hope for our future? Probably passed out drunk.

Strange that I’m attracted to 17 yr old school girls then? Naaaa…as says…”that’s what I love about these schoolgirls man. I get older…they stay they same age”…”yes they do….”

3) LifeStyles of the Rich and The Famous

That little speech about kids presenters reminds me of a joke I once heard…

A former Miss South Africa, A cricket player, A radio DJ and a Soapie star walk into a room, the next day, a headline reads “The biggest celebrity of the Event”.

Hahaha LOVE that joke…ok sure I just made it up right now, and its not really a joke, it’s a way of thinking here.

You know, its sad that a celebrity starved culture such as South Africa is so eager for someone to put on a pedestal that we don’t acknowledge those hard working actors and musicians that slave away at gigs, auditions and small roles, but instead we will rather show heaps of praise onto our radio DJs, soapie stars, beauty queens and sports stars who just happen to attend the opening of an envelope.

They simply have a good agent who gets them invited to a movie premiere (which is generally attended by Joe Average too).

We try label them as SA’s Posh & Becks or SA’s JayZ & Beyonce…

Our papers, magazines, entertainment shows shove the same faces down our throat and try make us believe they are celebrities. What’s perhaps worse is these individuals try and ACT like celebs too.

Newsflash. You are NOTHING more than a personality who has a fun interesting job. (until you get fired for a) speaking your mind or b) getting too old)

Then as if that weren’t enough, we had a reality show host that ends up host every show on TV, MCing every corporate function in town and trying to release her own single.

Give me a breeeeeeaaaaak.

Then we have to two kinds of celebrity followers. Those who are friends with personalities and try parading their friendships across all means of communications, Twitter, Facebook etc….you can keep your conversations private…why must we all see that you are going out that night to a club? Is it a public announcement? Are we to be impressed? Oooh look they’ve got a pic with themselves with a celeb, man I wish I had the same pic 1 million other fans had.

I’ve worked for a celebrity gossip magazine, so I know how these things work.

Type number 2 is they pseudo celeb. He’s the guy who was featured in a segment on a TV show, or had her name or face in the paper. They of course also try shameless promotion to try convince the rest of us that they are famous. My friends, you have hit the big time!

Sad.
By the way, my big movie SlamBang comes out on DVD next week…Order yours now here.

You know what’s my favourite thing about SA celebs? When they “fall from grace”
Wow…someone did something wrong…but thankfully we are there to cover it 24/7.
You know what? I just banged your wife and we did coke of a small child’s back while watching illegal DVDs…

*cricket noises*…

mmm… no paparazzi….

——-
Top 2 reasons coming soon

My New Tattoo?

Of the current tattoos I have, each and everyone of them have such deep and heavy meanings behind them, that sometimes I feel I carry such a weight with me as much as its a reminder of things in my life. However for the next tattoo I’ve decided to do something fun, upbeat and light, to truly give myself some character….excuse the bad pun.

Being a huge comic book geek (admittedly, I’ve dropped off the scene for the last few years), but the one character who still brings me great joy, is the Green Arrow.

I’ve been a life long fan, and have also preferred him over the other more mainstream heroes in the SuperVerse (I just coined that phrase).

Below is the classic Alex Ross imaging of the the Green Arrow which I’m considering getting done before the year is out….what do you think?
Anyone know of a good tattoo artist in South Africa who can do this image justice? (haha now THAT’s a good pun).

IT HAS BEGUN!

Guys

Thanks to everyone for your support on this blog…it means so much to me.
It’s that support that has inspired me to launch a second, more focused and dedicated blog.

I’m about to embark on Mission: Impossible, and I would like to invite you all along for the ride.
Please check out: A New York State of Burg .

Its a diary like no other, that I hope will not just inspire me… but others too….

Beautiful. Perfect.

I came across this image
I don’t know what its from or where it originates…but i love it love it love it…(presumably from a local publication?)

I’m thinking of converting it into a tattoo…just wrapping my head around how….

beautiful. perfect.

You Are Here -x-

What year eh?

Next week is December, and for the first time in my life I actually want a holiday.
Not that i’m going on one, I’ll still be working till the 24th December.

But the fact that I want leave shows growth.
And that is exactly how I would define this year for myself.
A year of growth.
In both my career and as a person.

Yet…I find myself at the dead center of a very bizarre paradox.
I’m very distinctly split into two people at the moment.

One stands in the reality of my life. The other walks in the dream.

The tricky part now is trying to get these two to meet, make love and produce a child in a brave new world. (If you are now having disturbing images of me as a twin having relations with myself, you are a sick and twisted individual – but you’re not wrong).

The Reality:

My greatest fear has always been waking up an old man and wondering where my life went. Ok. It’s my second greatest fear next to waking up with someone else’s testicles attached to my groin. But I digress.
Lately I’ve been waking up every morning and thinking, this is it?seriously?

I’ve never been as in love with my job as I’ve been lately, I have a sense of importance about myself and the role I play in my company, and I can honestly see myself staying within the company for the rest of my life, of course a decent remuneration would be nice…but im working on that.

Now aged 31, my life has become the most mundane of routines.

I get up in the morning. Listen to my mom complain. Come to work, work till 8.30/9pm (I don’t really have anywhere else to go, so I’m not in a hurry to wrap things up). Drive home. Listen to my mom complain about the same things. Kill time till 3/4am. Sleep – if i’m lucky, then it all starts again.

My weekends are about taking my mom to the shops (and made to feel guilty if I don’t take her out, because she’s been in the house the whole week you know.)
Fixing things around the house – Now the fridge has broken, and I have to get a new one. The bathroom needs repairs, I have to get them fixed.
I have to make sure there is food on the table every day (thankfully we only eat once a day).

WHEN DID THIS BECOME MY LIFE?
I’m serving the role of provider, man of the house and the responsible one.
I’ve been doing this since I was 11 years old!

In January my dad has been dead 20 years (and a few months later my older brother would have been dead 19 years).

I always thought it was just a case of waiting things out until things got better and it was my turn to live my life. This is my life – boy did I get the short end of the stick or what.

I sleep on a mattress on the floor because my bed broke many years ago, and now I’m at the age where sleeping on the floor actually isn’t enjoyable anymore (imagine if I brought a girl home….ok…I can’t picture that either).

I can hardly walk anymore. I’m in constant pain and after driving home at night it takes me a few minutes to get out the car just so I can suck it up and pretend the pain doesn’t exist.

You’d swear I’m 80 years old.

I can’t be around people anymore. There is no sense of responsibility or accountability anymore in people anymore. (Or am I just jealous that they are living a carefree existence? Naaaa, they’re just idiots.)

I don’t have a friend my age who I hang out with. I don’t have that “buddy” I can call up and go out and do something with on a whim. I go to movies alone (the late show of course). My best friend is my dog. And he’s more interested in licking his balls than hanging out with me anyways.

So where’s the growth you ask?
Well, a year ago I’d be suicidal, depressed and miserable 24/7.
But I’m not like that anymore, and I believe that’s thanks mainly to the other me.

The Dream:

I’ve always known what the dream is. I’ve always believed it’s possible. My life is not in this country. It’s not with these people. In fact, my life hasn’t even begun yet.

I lost focus of my dream for a while, but over the last 8 months it’s grown increasingly real.

No it’s not to own a fancy car – I can’t even tell the difference between Mercedes Benz and Mercedes Ruehl.

Earlier this year I got the worst case of Tick Bite fever (thanks to two bites from my friendly neighborhood ticks delivered courtesy of my cat). Nobody actually knows how sick I was, but I was as close to death’s door as I’ve ever been. I tried to wait it out as I always do when I get sick, but this time I just got worse and worse. Eventually I got treatment I need for it and made my way back to health, including coming back to work way before I was supposed to. What a hero.

Since that period though, I’ve been so focused on my work and making a name for myself, that everything seems possible.

The dream in question is and always will be New York City.
It’s been over 10 years since I was last there. But I think about it every single day. All day.
I believe my work is my way over there. I honestly do.
It may not be in the next year, or 5 years. But it WILL happen.
If I have to deal with all the crap in my life to get there, dagnabbit I will suck it all up like a man, be responsible, be accountable and earn my dream.

I will work for it – because I don’t take crap from anyone anymore. They don’t walk over me, and they certainly wont treat me less than I deserve anymore.

On the side, I’ve discovered my passions again. I love my writing, I know I am talented. Whether it be creative (as in my Lost Episodes blogs) or non fictional stuff like you’re reading right now. My talent will reward me down the line.

I am so driven at the moment, that the things that used to send me into a spiraling depression, and now simply – just things.

I’ve cut so many negative influences out my life, and not allowed myself to get distracted by silly little things like matters of the heart (chicks) or “friendships”.

I see all my old friends moving on with their lives, getting engaged, getting married, getting tough, getting going. And I am truly happy for them.
I no longer bare heartache, or grudges, or take things personally.
I may be lonely, but its for a greater good, and my loneliness does not define me any longer.

And the when all is said and down, there is only one question to ask myself –

Why have I used “I” so many times in this blog?
The answer is simple.
Because it’s about me now.
I am my own man…..who just happens to be carrying more baggage than most.

Seinfeld: The Lost Episode (Part 1)

Jerry’s Apartment
————————————

Jerry and Elaine are standing in the small kitchen in Jerry’s apartment.
“I’m telling you, he’s gay” Jerry says with conviction.
“Yeah…you might be right…”..agrees Elaine

A door buzzer rings.
Jerry answers the buzzer “Who is it?”
“It’s me” bellows George.
“Come on Up”

Jerry resumes his conversation with Elaine, “ok, if you really wanna know, take the guy to the video store and ask him to pick out something. Then just wait and see what he chooses”
Elaine – “oh c’mon”
Jerry – “no seriously…it’s easy. If he chooses anything other than some cheesy horror or a tearjerker, he doesn’t intend trying to get any action….if you know what I mean”
Elaine – “Really? What about Rocky?”
Jerry – “Gay.”
Elaine – “Flashdance?”
Jerry – “Gay.”

At that George enters the apartment.

Elaine – “Grease?
George – “I love that movie…I just rented it again last night”
Jerry – “See what I mean?”

George – “Jerry. I’m in love.”
Elaine (sarcastically) – “I’ll leave you two alone…”

Elaine leaves.

George – “Seriously Jerry, I think I’ve met the woman of my dreams…”

Jerry – “ok…I’ll play along. Who is she?”

George – “It’s this girl at work, Stacy. I tell you…we have that “connection” everyone’s always talking about. I always thought that was a load of crap… Till now Jerry. Till now”

Jerry – “And how long have you known this Tracy?”
George – “It’s Stacy”
Jerry – “just checking…”
George – “We’ll we’ve worked together for three years, but we spoke for the first time today.”
Jerry – “Wow…I’m impressed.”
George – “I know right…love at first sight”
Jerry – “No, I’m impressed you’ve had a job for 3 years”

George collapses in Jerry’s couch, and continues “we spoke for hours. She told me all about her family, her past relationships, the scandals at work, her likes, her dislikes, There is nothing I don’t know about Tracy”
Jerry – “Stacy”
George – “Yeah..that’s what I said”
Jerry – “no, you said Tracy”
George – “Yeah her name’s Tracy. Oh God…now you’ve got me doing it…What is her name!”

At that Kramer comes barging in.

Kramer – “Hey guys…do any of you know what Goats eat?”

Kramer heads to the kitchen and starts opening Jerry’s cupboards.

Jerry – “Goats?”
Kramer – “Yeah, I’m looking after my uncle’s goats.”
Kramer notices George sinking into the coach “What’s wrong with him?”
Jerry – “He’s in love with two women”

George – “It’s just one woman. THE ONE Jerry. Mark my words, she’s the one”

Kramer, now intrigued, “Oh yeah, way to go George.”

Jerry starts eating cereal.

Jerry – “So if you know everything about her, does she know everything about you?”
George – “Well, I didn’t really get a chance to tell her anything”
Jerry – “I thought you spoke for hours”
Kramer – “Uh-oh. You mean she did all the talking? That’s not good George..not good at all?”
George – “yeah… well, I didn’t want to…interrupt her.”
Jerry – “So what did you do while she spoke?”
George – “I nodded…”
Jerry – “You nodded???? You never nod! That’s like telling her to go on!”
George – “I’m a nodder Jerry…I was born a nodder, and I’ll always be a nodder. Don’t judge me”
Kramer – “It could be worse, you could have been a smiler.”

George has guilty look on his face.

Jerry – “You nodded AND smiled??? For the entire time she spoke???”
Kramer – “Oh George. It’s over.”

George – “What?? How can it be over, it just started!”
Jerry – “Everyone knows that when you’re a nodder and smiler, women see that as a great listener”
George – “So what’s wrong with that?”
Jerry – “It means…you’re a great friend George”
George – “I’m in the friends zone??”
Kramer , smacking his hands together – “smack dab in the middle of it”

George “After one conversation?”
Jerry “We’ll it wasn’t a really a conversation. She talked. You listened”
George, irritated, starts walking towards the door – “ok, from tomorrow no more nodding and smiling at her!”
Jerry -“It’s too late George!”

“NEVER!” we hear coming from the hallway as George leaves.

The Video Store
————————

Elaine and her date, Nathan, are browsing the aisles.
“So what are you in the mood for…” Asks Elaine, waiting eagerly for Nathan’s answer.
Nathan - “Anything is fine, you choose”
Elaine – “Oh go ahead, pick whatever you wanna watch….anything at all….from any section”
Nathan – “Um…ok…how about…”
Nathan picks out a slasher flick “unless you don’t like being scared?”
Elaine pumps her fist – “YES!…i mean no…I love being scared” she smiles ecstatically.

The two walk up to the counter to check out their movie.
Two gay gays are there and are returning their video.

Nathan – “Oh wait, are you guys bringing that back?”
Gay guy #1 – “all yours pal”
Elaine picks up the cover…it’s Grease.
Elaine –“dammit….”

Ad Break
(Part 2 coming soon….)

Scrubs: The Lost Episode

JD Voiceover:
Every once in a while friendships are tested by three little words. And more often than not the decision as whether to say those words, can forever change a friendship…

Turk – “You’ve got to just tell her …”
JD - “I will…when the timings right”
Turk – “The timings never right, you just gotta suck it up, be a man and say “I Love You”. Chicks dig that stuff!”
JD – “yeah that’s easy for you to say…chicks dig it when a BLACK man says I Love You”

*flashback*
A Barry White look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, in his trademark velvet voice. She crumbles.
A Denzel Washington look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, he is shirtless. She crumbles.
A Mike Tyson look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, in his trademark squeaky voice. She laughs.

JD – “Ok, maybe not all black men”
———————————————————————-

The next day at Sacred Heart Hospital…

Elliot is banging the vending machine trying to get out a chocolate bar that is stuck…

Turk – “Ok there she is, now’s your chance. Remember Be A Man”
JD (psyching himself up)– “BE A MAN”

JD puffs up his chest and approaches Elliot.

JD – “Ell I need to tell you something really important…”
Elliot (distracted) – “Sure JD what is it…”
JD – “Elliot I….I….I Love You…”…*BANG*…Elliot gives the vending machine a smack at the exact moment JD says you….
“…gene Levy” – adds JD
Elliot now paying attention again – “You love Eugene Levy? The dad from American Pie?”
JD – “…Uh huh…”
JD speeds off awkwardly.
———————————————————————–

JD and Turk are sitting in the Hospital Canteen. JD is busy explaining his failed attempt at telling Elliot he loves her when Dr. Cox walks up.
“Lady troubles Bambi?”
JD – “Dr. Cox…how would you tell your best friend you love them?”
Dr Cox – “Woah there Cinderella, I think he’s gonna hear you…(whispering) he’s sitting right next to you” (Dr. Cox points to Turk).
JD – “No, Not Turk…”
(Turk pouts)
“But you know I love you right brother bear?”
Turk (Smiling again) “I love you too Papa Bear”
The Boys smile at each other foolishly.
Dr. Cox – “You two are sick, but if you really want my advice Ginger. Just suck it up and be a man”.

Dr. Cox walks off.

JD – “You know, sometimes I really wish he’d get transferred to a hospital in Australia or something…”

Elliot joins the table, Turk excuses himself.
Elliot – “Hey”
JD – “Hey. Listen…this morning I didn’t quite tell you what I wanted to”
Elliot – “oh yeah? What’s up?”
JD – “Elliot… I’ve been wanting to tell you this for so long…I love you”
As JD says the word you, Dr. Kelso interrupts.
Dr. Kelso – “you love what??”
JD – “I said , I Love UNICEF, and I was wondering if Elliot would like to help me with some charity work”
Elliot has a confused look on her face…

———————————————————————————

JD is consulting an elderly patient…and drifts off into thought

Patient – “…Dr. Dorian…are you ok?”
JD – “oh I’m sorry Mr. Garrison. I’m just a little distracted…”
Mr. Garrison – “It’s a girl right? It’s always a girl”
JD – “yeah…you see there’s this girl I work with, who’s like the closest friend I have…”
Mr. Garrison – “…and you’re in love with her right?”
JD – “Is it that obvious?”
Mr. Garrison – “yeah, but just not that obvious to her. You see son, life is short, and if you have a chance to tell someone how you feel, you tell them. What if they get hit by a bus tomorrow?”
JD – “Yeah I know, its just…what if it ruins our friendship”
Mr. Garrison – “Dr. Dorian…excuse me for saying so, but suck it up, be a man”.
JD – “I been getting that a lot today”
Mr. Garrsion – “Now Doctor…what’s wrong with me”
JD – “Oh right sorry…well it seems like ..oh…it seems like…well…you’ve got advanced testicular cancer. I’m sorry Mr. Garrison.”

JD Voiceover:
We’re always told to appreciate the people in our lives today, because tomorrow they may be gone…What they don’t tell you though is how much those people WANT to be appreciated…
——————————————————————————–

JD is watching Elliot pack up her locker after a long day.

Carla and Todd walk up to JD.
Carla – “Why don’t you try asking her out JD…”
JD (embarrassed) – “what…what are you talking about”
Carla – “oh come on JD, you’re head over heels in love with her, the whole Hospital knows but her”
JD (irritated) – “WHAT? How does everyone know?”

The Janitor walks past and says “I handed out flyers….Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go burn rubber”

Todd – “you should tell her you want to bang her! Chicks dig that”
Carla – “maybe the chicks you go out with you pervert”
Todd – “that’s not what your mom said! Yeah!” Todd holds out his hand for a high five…

Turk joins the group and says “Hey guys what’s going on?” he completes Todd’s high five, blissfully unaware.

Carla slaps Turk and storms off.
Turk – “What did I do???”

JD – “ok, this is it…I’m going to tell her…”

In slow motion an inspired JD floats towards Elliot.

JD – “Elliot, I going to tell you something, and I don’t know how you’ll react, but you need to know…”
Elliot – “Ok…”
JD – “No interruptions!”
Elliot – “sorry…”
JD – “Elliot…I am head over heels…”

Just then Ted appears between the two.

Ted – “Hey guys, have either of you seen any tyres laying around…someone has taken them off my car…oh…sorry JD where you about to tell Elliot you’re in love with her?”

Elliot is stunned.
Elliot – “What?”

JD Voiceover:
We can plan things in our heads for years, rewrite what we want to say 100 times, but at the end of the day, unless we suck it up and do it…opportunity will just pass us by and move on the next person.

24: The Lost Episode (based on actual events)

The Following takes place between 5pm-6pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

2 Floors beneath the city centre, a secret organization (CTU) sets into motion a series of events that will forever change the lives of those involved – in a mere 24 hours.

Head of the secret organization (CTU): “ Ladies and Gentleman, today we launch an event so traumatic, that will tear apart our very own organization as we know it…the year end Christmas Function!”

Meanwhile, on some random street a cell phone rings and a familiar voice answers: “Bauer….”
…“Jack, its Chloe…we have a situation”…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6pm-7pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Chloe…? I’m undercover…you’re not supposed to call me on this line”
“I know Jack…but its urgent…I’m uploaded an email that was intercepted on our server within the last hour”
“Ok…it’s coming through now”
There is a deafening silence broken only by a passing car hooter.
*toot*toot*
“Jack….are you there? Jack??”
“I’m here Chloe…are you sure about this…has anyone else seen this email?”
“…everyone jack…”
…
…
Jack responds ominously “Then God help us all…”
“I’m afraid so Jack…another Christmas Party”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 8pm-9pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

There is a buzz around CTU headquarters as everyone reads their emails. Programmers are already instant messaging chat rooms and arranging dates for the Xmas Party. The finance ladies are planning their travel routes and subsidising extra expenses…

However two CTU agents are in heavy discussion about a more serious nature.
Special Agents Tony Almeida & Michelle Dessler:

Michelle: “Tony…Chloe found Jack…he’s alive and undercover”
Tony: “What??? …dammit Michelle…ok…does Kim know?”
Michelle” “We’re not sure…”

Suddenly Kim Bauer, Jack’s daughter appears in sight…

Tony approaches her..“Kim…we need to talk”….he grabs her arm and they disappear into a nearby Interrogation room.

Michelle watches from outside as Kim breaks down into tears and hugs Tony.

Tony rejoins Michelle
Tony: “She knew”
Michelle: “Then what was all the tears about?”
Tony: “…she’s worried about having to find Jack a date for the Christmas Party…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 10pm-11pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
A cellphone rings
“Bauer…”
“Jack…it’s Tony”
“Godammit Tony…whats the point of being undercover if everyone’s going to keep phoning me!”
“I’m sorry Jack…we’re bringing you in….”
“No Tony…not know…I’m days away from finding out what went wrong with the Idols votes…”
“We all wanna know Jack…but you know this is more important….we have to find you a date”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 11pm-12am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Back at CTU headquarters.
Everyone stops what they are doing at the sign of agent Jack Bauer walking through the corridors of CTU.

Tony Almeida speaks up, “Jack, we’re here to help you…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12am-1am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “ No…it’s too dangerous…I’ll find my own date!”

Tony Almeida: “How Jack? You say the same thing every year…now let us help before more people have to die….”

Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use a dating agency”

Just then, several explosions go off around the city as every dating agency in town is bombed by terrorists.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1am-2am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use find someone on the internet”

Just then, a deadly virus is released by terrorists onto the internet destroying every major system in the financial and municipal sectors.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2am-3am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll ask President Palmer if I can go with his sister”

Just then, a CTU phone operator speaks up “Agent Almeida…its President Palmer…he says his sister….has….has…been assassinated by terrorists!”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3am-4am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll fly out tonight and bring back a wife from Russia”

Just then, Russia prepares a nuclear attack on the US….a terrorist group takes responsibility for the announcing of a pending attack

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4am-5am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Oh c’mon!!!! Seriously? A Nuclear attack what is this 1986??”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 5am-6am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
CTU headquarters is on edge. Agent Michelle Dessler is the voice of reason…
“Ok guys..its late…none of us have had any sleep….what say we get some shut eye and give this some fresh thinking…?”
Everyone agrees…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6am-7am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
ZZZzzzzzz…..

The Following takes place between 7am-8am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
ZZZzzzzzz…..

The Following takes place between 8am-9am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
ZZZzzzzzz…..

The Following takes place between 9am-10am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
ZZZzzzzzz…..

The Following takes place between 10am-11am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
ZZZzzzzzz…..

The Following takes place between 11am-12pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Tony Almeida reconvenes the CTU…
“Ok guys….right now we need suggestions…time is running out, Jack will be awake soon, and lives are at stake here!”

Special Agent Chloe O’Brian speak ups…”Um….guys…I have an idea…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12pm-1pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Tony, trust me…I can do it …”
“No Chloe…its too dangerous…”
“Tony…I want to do it…”, continues Chloe
“….you sure?”
Chloe nods…

“ok…someone wake up Jack….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1pm-2pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Dammit No Chloe, I can’t put you in danger….” bellows Special Agent Jack Bauer.
“Jack its ok…I want to go to the Christmas Party with you”…

“But what if….what if people talk?? There’s no way you can go to a work Christmas Party with someone you work with…especially not if…”

Jack stops short of revealing something he’s been wanting to say for months now…

….Chloe pushes him…”not if what Jack….?”
……”….Jack”

Jack finally gives in “…especially not if you’re in love with your colleague….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2pm-3pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Less than an hour ago, Special Agent Jack Bauer revealed his feelings for his colleague Chloe O’Brian after she volunteered to be his plus one at the year end Xmas function.

“Jack…I’m sorry… I didn’t know”….
“It wouldn’t have made a difference either way though…right?”…laments Jack

“Jack…maybe we should try find you someone else…I don’t think I thought this out properly”

“DAMMIT Chloe, we don’t have time!”

“Why don’t you go with Special Agent Mary Wallbanger?”

“C’mon Chloe…her name says it all…”

“I don’t know Jack…I need to rethink this”….

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3pm-4pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Chloe is still thinking

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4pm-5pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Ok Jack…I’ll go with you on one condition”

Jack says without hesitation “anything…”

Chloe takes a deep breath and says “We can still be friends after this…”

…..”Dammnit”

Sharlto You are My Hero…

I have three passions in my life.
Music, Film & Writing (four if you count my love for the WWE).

There’s not a day that doesn’t go by without me being thankful I work in the music industry as a full time job.

I’m lucky enough to dabble in the film and TV industry when the opportunities present themselves, and truth me told, if I was brave enough I would try being an actor/writer on a full time basis.

Being South African, which is mostly embarrassing at times, it’s very difficult to make a career out of film, for many reasons, of which I won’t go into now. But its also ridiculously disheartened at times. Unless you’re prepared to make a career as a soapie actor or “that guy from that commercial”, film recognition is something that’s reserved for the elite few.

I dream of being a big star. I dream of working with my idols and heroes. I dream of winning an Oscar and making the funniest most heartfelt speech (straight after I make out with Halle Berry).
And 99%, that’s all it will ever amount to. A dream.

But there are times when something happens that motivates me so that I believe wholeheartedly in the ridiculously impossible. They are few and far between.
But today I experienced another one of them.

The first however should be noted. It was that very moment Charlize Theron won the Oscar and made her speech saying she’s bring the Oscar back to South Africa.
I doubt my feeling was one of being proudly South African, I’m not THAT contradictory. It was more of a feeling of “I can do it too!” – no not win best Actress, but rather work my way up there.

The second such moment as I said happened today.

Following on the groundbreaking success of “District 9”, its unknown South African star Sharlto Copley was elevated to that level the rest of us dream of.

He was quickly cast as “Howling Mad” Murdoch in the big screen adaption of an 80s serious I grew up on – The A-Team. (I still have my action figures on my desk to this very day).

Even as the news was rumored and then later confirmed, it’s something that didn’t quite set in.

As I browsed my daily film news sites, I came across this image that literally put me on District cloud 9 and made me believe in the impossible.

Here is a guy who was just walking down the street in SA one day…and is now starring with the likes of Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel.

I can’t even imagine how his mind is processing all of this. For me its like a dream.

Is it all about hard work and sticking to the task?
Is it all about the lucky break?
Is it about destiny?

Maybe it’s simply the right combination of all three.

It’s not about chasing the fame. It’s about chasing the dream…..and my friends… I may be the biggest dreamer of them all.

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry….

What a week.
Just another in a seemingly endless stream of events of a year I like to call the “Tragicomedy”.

Undoubtedly I will recap the events as a whole in an end of the year blog, but for right now I need to share the events of my week.
And since I’m watching Three’s Company season 6 right now, I’m in a great mood to write.

On VERY short notice, I’ve been invited to attend a conference in Amsterdam next week, (therefore needing to fly out by the 6th October)…. Which is all hugely exciting news, except for the fact that my passport expired six months ago – Murphy is clearly handling my travel arrangements.

So…it’s on that basis that I’ve been rushing around trying to organize a Passport (and visa once that’s sorted!)

On Monday, I headed out to the Home Affairs office in downtown Johannesburg, a busy and crime ridden part of the country…as opposed to say…Fourways or Sandton, where crime doesn’t exist.

After driving up and down the 1-way roads that dominated the streets of Jozi, I eventually found parking about six blocks away from the Home Affairs office. That only took 40 minutes. I walked the six blocks in constant fear that my car would be a) stolen b) broken into c) replaced with an exact replica of my car except equipped with a tracking device and hidden camera.

Now, I’ve never been one to be paranoid, but walking in the streets of Jozi, there is a certain panic that follows you, particularly if you are an asian of the cauc kind.

Eventually I got to Home Affairs, sweat already pouring down my arms, and tension building up.

The ground floor was an empty ghost town except for the queue of people waiting for the lift to take them to the appropriate level of irritation. Since I’m in my athletic prime, I decided to take the stairs to the 5th floor.

Off I went.

1st floor. Skipped a few steps and I pranced up the two sets of stairs.
2nd floor. After feeling the burn, I took one step at a time
3rd floor. Took each step two feet at a time.
Between 3rd and 4th floor. Took a break.
4th floor. Prayed for death.
5th floor. Is this an oasis I see before me?

Enter the hall of passports – where order is not on the menu.
I managed to make my way to the counter where I asked for a contact our company travel agent had recommended, who may be able to help me a bit more…speedily…as a favour of course.

Finally a large Afrikaans lady with the most irritated look on her made her way towards me. I thought it was slow motion, but her hair was not blowing, so clearly it was her…um…personality weighing her down.

In all of two seconds she said she can’t help me and I must go stand in line.
I asked if there was someone who took passport photos in the building. Quick answer was no. The long answer was I’d have to go outside the building to one of the dodgy freelance photographers that stalked citizens of the streets of Joburg.

This time I was smart and waiting a few minutes for the lift. And then joined the other four people who made up the “Not more that 12 people in the lift at a time”. The stench, the clearing of phlegm and screaming babies made me reminisce about that one time I went up the 5 flights of stairs.

Back on the street I was quickly offered the best price for photos and escorted into a dark corner building with the windows blacked out. After stripping off… all my jewelry, I took my photos and made my way back to Home Affairs.

Queue for smelly lift… or climb the Andes again.

1st floor. Only four more to go.
2nd floor. Light headed
3rd floor. Eyes began rolling back
Between 3rd and 4th floor. Took a break.
4th floor. Legs unable to maintain weight
5th floor. Loss of bladder control.

I made my way through the lengthy process of completing forms and such and was told I should have my passport in 10 days if i’m lucky. (“Define lucky” I thought…)

Two hours later I finally could make my way back to my car, and hopefully not the space where I would have to say “hey, i’m sure that’s where I parked it”.

One block up and tall thin black guy walk passed me and bumped into me…I ignored him and then he shouted that he was sorry, I turned to him and said don’t worry about . BIG MISTAKE.

He came up to me and started hugging me and said he’s so sorry and started holding me and blocking my arms, finally I was able to push him away.

I immediately looked down at my pockets and saw my brand new phone was gone.
When I looked up, he was nowhere to be seen.

I shouted out “where did he go!?!”

The lady walking up the road said to me, “He’s down there” and she pointed him out, 2 blocks behind me!

Then, my Adamantium claws came out and I rampaged after the guy, running across two busy roads without even checking traffic.

I caught up to him, and without even thinking I punched the guy on the side of the face, knocking him down, I demanded my phone, and he started laughing and said “I’m just joking” and handed back my phone. Then he got up and ran away.

The guys around me told me I should’ve killed him. Yes, I can’t really argue that logic. Now bare in mind, I’m the most non violent person you will ever meet. But wrong day…. wrong time mr. mugger. So ridiculously out of character for me

I reported the incident to the Metro Police a few blocks down, they just shrugged it out. Can’t blame them. This happens more often than it doesn’t.

On a total buzz I made my way back to my car – still there (although I haven’t been able to find the hidden camera).

As I relayed the story to everyone, I was commended for my actions, and the general feeling was that I was not a victim. In the meantime my hand began to swell, and I feared in broke my hand in my girlfight. (the hand has since recovered, thanks for your concern)

My whole assessment of the situation?
Well,
1) Its reason 1024 that I hate the country I am forced to live in.
2) I am indeed becoming a Wolverine of rage that is not going to take cr@p from anyone. This also scares me as I have ZERO tolerance anymore. The rage I have inside me came out in a good way…this time.
3) My “tensionergy” is at fever pitch right now, leading to several incidents over the last few days.

Shoo…its going to be a busy week.
Hopefully I get my passport and Visa sorted out, and I head out to see the Dykes.

Then its only a 2 weeks til my birthday. If you wanna see rage…test me on that day universe.

Now… how YOU doin’?