The Little Green Guy (no not mini Hulk)

The one redeeming quality community sites like Facebook will always have, is the voyeurism appeal they continue to have.

Especially for those people you no longer talk to, or are unsure of HOW to actually talk to them anymore.

For whatever selfish reason that may have caused your falling out, you can always still feel part of their lives thanks to things like their status messages, photo galleries and, of course, relationship status.

I’ve lost my fair share of friends over time, ok more than my fair share, thanks mainly to the unlikeable, miserable SOB I was for the last few years, and I don’t really blame anyone except myself (and the Jews of course).

I do however find myself on a regular basis wishing things were like the old days…especially when I see things like weddings, and babies, and photos of get-togethers (where I am the obvious person who wasn’t invited …the not being tagged is a dead giveaway i wasn’t there). It hurts a lot that I’m not even invited –not that I’d go to 90% of things…but it’s the offer that counts right?

The feeling of –mid life crisis- hangs over me like the sword of Damocles, just waiting to strike. Taking stock of ones life often results in depression, so I try not to do that much anymore.

That however…is easier said than done.
I don’t believe in marriage – yet I’d do it for the right person
I’m amazing with kids – yet I don’t want any (except maybe for the weekend to do some work around the garden)
I don’t believe much in the concept of friendship – yet I wish I had friends I could call and go out with
I have so much love to give – yet I have so much hate towards mankind lately.

It’s official. I’m a walking contradiction.

When exactly did this happen?
Has my bitterness finally eclipsed my patience…

Its not that I bear (bare?) ill will to those who are celebrating their unions, or new additions to their family, or those who find “the one” for the seventh time this year….far from it, I’m truly happy for them… I guess what it comes down to is one part jealousy, one part envy, and one part disappointment.

Ok…I think that last one deserves a bit more explanation.
My disappointment is two fold.

a) If its someone I really had feelings for (read majority of the female population), then it’s a genuine feeling of – there goes any chance I had of give her the love and life she deserves. You know, because guys for the most part suck.
b) If it’s someone I feel a kinship to, the disappointment is one of – well that’s one less of us who still believes in living a life against to expectancies of society, which leads to an even stronger feeling of being alone.

Wow… reading through this blog makes me feel extremely selfish – which is bizarre, since I really am one of the last truly unselfish (and humble) people left on this self centered planet.

Is the real me being exposed? Or is it a phase of discontent.
I don’t particularly care which answer it is really…

I don’t have much to show for my life at the end of the day. Sure I have done and experienced a lot of things others will never get a chance to do, but when I get to those pearly gates at the end of my time here, what will my answer to St. Peter’s (or is it Paul’s) question be when he says “Did you live your life to its fullest?” be…

Oh….I definitely think its time to do a blog on the joke that is religion….

I think tomorrow I’m going to go buy a set of picture frames with fake families and memories in them to feel better about myself…


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2 Responses to “The Little Green Guy (no not mini Hulk)”

  1. claire davis Says:

    i know EXACTLY what you mean. my friends at school say they love me and care for me but when i get home, it feels like they are talking behind my back. i guess i believe they love me as sisters but cant be true, can it?
    i dumbed my boyfriend. since he’s the only one who can drive, that crosses out my social life completly. i am a shelter 18 year old girl which sucks. i have no friends around my house so i’m put in a dark cave. it hurts for me too when i see pictures of friend on facebook having fun without me. my buddies know i love attention. i told a friend attention is my fuel.

    i am humble, amazing with children, wish friends would pay attention to me, and i am loveable and pretty.

  2. Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 3: Surviving Love & Life « Burgs World – A guide to cutting through the stupidity of life Says:

    […] The Little Green Guy (no not mini Hulk) I’m a walking contradiction when it comes to love and friendships. This could be due to my bipolar disorder I’m sure…. […]

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