You know what I Hate? (The 3rd in a series)

I have the bladder the size of a small puppy.
It’s true. I cannot hold down recently consumed liquids for a lengthy period of time. Of course this may just be a symptom of my diabetes, but it’s a fact nonetheless.

A fact – which makes several things more annoying than they should be, such as…oh say, being in a shopping centre and having to deal on a regular basis with the nightmare ordeal known as:

Sure, we all have our phobias about public toilets, and there are those lucky enough to have the superhuman ability to “nip and tuck” till they get home. I am not one of those. When I need to go…I need to go.

In South Africa, unhygienic “PBs” seem to be on the rise.
There is a disinterest by the public servicemen to actually do their job and keep our sanitation safe for all mankind, and there is an equally ridiculous attitude by a dumbed down public who use these facilities.

I’m going to take the politically correct route, and say it’s an education thing, mixed with a apathy/laziness thing, added to a smidgen of “why should I do my job as a maintenance man when I can stand around the shopping centre watching young girls walk past”.

By now, you’re probably thinking – this guy is just looking for a reason to complain.

Imagine this.

During the week I needed to relieve myself of 2x Coke Zeros I had consumed in quick succession (plus there was ice in the glasses, so think of it as watered down Coke Zero).
I headed to the men’s room in the shopping centre, and was presented with the following options.

Option A: The Urinals.

    I’m man enough to admit it. I cannot pee in public. It is a debilitating problem I have dealt with all my life. Urinals are more intimidating that asking a girl I like to go out with me.

    I occasionally chance peeing at the urinals at work, and just when I get a stream going, someone comes to pee next to me…and my shop closes for lunch. Just like that. No warning, my particle beam doesn’t just slow down, it stops dead.

    Sorry, I got TMI, there, back to the urinals at the public bathroom.

    There are 6 urinals, 3 of them are covered with black garbage bags, which I assume means “under construction”, and there is one available between two that are being used.

    So that’s out.

    Option B: The Stalls

Stalls are like the lottery, you pick your number and just hope for the best.
If you are lucky enough, you are able to spot, pre-entry, if the toilet has toilet paper. And a seat still attached.
Once you’ve entered though…all bets are off.

My choice in the end was stall number 1, it seemed the best option in case of a fire.

I quickly entered, closed the door behind me and was greeted by the foulest stench rising from the bowl of hell.

Now, tell me…if there is indeed a God, how can he allow someone to not flush when they go number 2????

Who drops off the Cosby kids and then thinks to themselves “I am late for a meeting…mmm, ah what the hell, the next guy will flush for me”??

After gagging and dry heaving, I mustered up enough strength to flush.

Then, finally, I began the manly process (no not THAT manly process you sick freaks). As I was about to start however, I felt the door behind me opening.

There was no lock…it had been broken off, presumably years ago by the guy who was trapped in here with the same cesspool I had just flushed.

It was too late to change stalls, so I had no choice. I had to think back to my one gymnastics lesson I had back in ’92.

There I was….the picture of Hermes himself. (Google image search Hermes to complete the joke), one leg flexed backward to keep the door shut, the either leg as close to the bowl as possible for guidance.

Eventually I finished, worked out the cramps in my legs, washed my hands…with water only, since the soap dispensers never work, and lets be honest, they stopped filling those things with actual soap a long time ago.

Time to try off that water…

Paper Towel dispenser…with real dispensing action, but sans Power Towel, capped off yet another truly wonderful Public Toilet experience.

This is not a once off “bad luck” experience, this is one aspect of irritation in a South African shopping centre.

Now…about those car guards…


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2 Responses to “You know what I Hate? (The 3rd in a series)”

  1. Darren Symington Says:

    Shaun, that’s brilliant. You’re the South African Seinfeld!!!

  2. Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 1: Rants & Opinions « Burgs World – A guide to cutting through the stupidity of life Says:

    […] 1: Rants & Opinions columns You know what I Hate? (The 3rd in a series) I’ve always had a phobia about public toilets, and a severe case of “stage fright”, combined […]

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