Archive for October, 2009

Seinfeld: The Lost Episode (Part 1)

October 20, 2009


Jerry’s Apartment

Jerry and Elaine are standing in the small kitchen in Jerry’s apartment.
“I’m telling you, he’s gay” Jerry says with conviction.
“Yeah…you might be right…”..agrees Elaine

A door buzzer rings.
Jerry answers the buzzer “Who is it?”
“It’s me” bellows George.
“Come on Up”

Jerry resumes his conversation with Elaine, “ok, if you really wanna know, take the guy to the video store and ask him to pick out something. Then just wait and see what he chooses”
Elaine – “oh c’mon”
Jerry – “no seriously…it’s easy. If he chooses anything other than some cheesy horror or a tearjerker, he doesn’t intend trying to get any action….if you know what I mean”
Elaine – “Really? What about Rocky?”
Jerry – “Gay.”
Elaine – “Flashdance?”
Jerry – “Gay.”

At that George enters the apartment.

Elaine – “Grease?
George – “I love that movie…I just rented it again last night”
Jerry – “See what I mean?”

George – “Jerry. I’m in love.”
Elaine (sarcastically) – “I’ll leave you two alone…”

Elaine leaves.

George – “Seriously Jerry, I think I’ve met the woman of my dreams…”

Jerry – “ok…I’ll play along. Who is she?”

George – “It’s this girl at work, Stacy. I tell you…we have that “connection” everyone’s always talking about. I always thought that was a load of crap… Till now Jerry. Till now”

Jerry – “And how long have you known this Tracy?”
George – “It’s Stacy”
Jerry – “just checking…”
George – “We’ll we’ve worked together for three years, but we spoke for the first time today.”
Jerry – “Wow…I’m impressed.”
George – “I know right…love at first sight”
Jerry – “No, I’m impressed you’ve had a job for 3 years”

George collapses in Jerry’s couch, and continues “we spoke for hours. She told me all about her family, her past relationships, the scandals at work, her likes, her dislikes, There is nothing I don’t know about Tracy”
Jerry – “Stacy”
George – “Yeah..that’s what I said”
Jerry – “no, you said Tracy”
George – “Yeah her name’s Tracy. Oh God…now you’ve got me doing it…What is her name!”

At that Kramer comes barging in.

Kramer – “Hey guys…do any of you know what Goats eat?”

Kramer heads to the kitchen and starts opening Jerry’s cupboards.

Jerry – “Goats?”
Kramer – “Yeah, I’m looking after my uncle’s goats.”
Kramer notices George sinking into the coach “What’s wrong with him?”
Jerry – “He’s in love with two women”

George – “It’s just one woman. THE ONE Jerry. Mark my words, she’s the one”

Kramer, now intrigued, “Oh yeah, way to go George.”

Jerry starts eating cereal.

Jerry – “So if you know everything about her, does she know everything about you?”
George – “Well, I didn’t really get a chance to tell her anything”
Jerry – “I thought you spoke for hours”
Kramer – “Uh-oh. You mean she did all the talking? That’s not good George..not good at all?”
George – “yeah… well, I didn’t want to…interrupt her.”
Jerry – “So what did you do while she spoke?”
George – “I nodded…”
Jerry – “You nodded???? You never nod! That’s like telling her to go on!”
George – “I’m a nodder Jerry…I was born a nodder, and I’ll always be a nodder. Don’t judge me”
Kramer – “It could be worse, you could have been a smiler.”

George has guilty look on his face.

Jerry – “You nodded AND smiled??? For the entire time she spoke???”
Kramer – “Oh George. It’s over.”

George – “What?? How can it be over, it just started!”
Jerry – “Everyone knows that when you’re a nodder and smiler, women see that as a great listener”
George – “So what’s wrong with that?”
Jerry – “It means…you’re a great friend George”
George – “I’m in the friends zone??”
Kramer , smacking his hands together – “smack dab in the middle of it”

George “After one conversation?”
Jerry “We’ll it wasn’t a really a conversation. She talked. You listened”
George, irritated, starts walking towards the door – “ok, from tomorrow no more nodding and smiling at her!”
Jerry -“It’s too late George!”

“NEVER!” we hear coming from the hallway as George leaves.

The Video Store


Elaine and her date, Nathan, are browsing the aisles.
“So what are you in the mood for…” Asks Elaine, waiting eagerly for Nathan’s answer.
Nathan – “Anything is fine, you choose”
Elaine – “Oh go ahead, pick whatever you wanna watch….anything at all….from any section”
Nathan – “Um…ok…how about…”
Nathan picks out a slasher flick “unless you don’t like being scared?”
Elaine pumps her fist – “YES!…i mean no…I love being scared” she smiles ecstatically.

The two walk up to the counter to check out their movie.
Two gay gays are there and are returning their video.

Nathan – “Oh wait, are you guys bringing that back?”
Gay guy #1 – “all yours pal”
Elaine picks up the cover…it’s Grease.
Elaine –“dammit….”

Ad Break
(Part 2 coming soon….)


Scrubs: The Lost Episode

October 15, 2009

JD Voiceover:
Every once in a while friendships are tested by three little words. And more often than not the decision as whether to say those words, can forever change a friendship…

Turk – “You’ve got to just tell her …”
JD – “I will…when the timings right”
Turk – “The timings never right, you just gotta suck it up, be a man and say “I Love You”. Chicks dig that stuff!”
JD – “yeah that’s easy for you to say…chicks dig it when a BLACK man says I Love You”

A Barry White look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, in his trademark velvet voice. She crumbles.
A Denzel Washington look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, he is shirtless. She crumbles.
A Mike Tyson look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, in his trademark squeaky voice. She laughs.

JD – “Ok, maybe not all black men”

The next day at Sacred Heart Hospital…

Elliot is banging the vending machine trying to get out a chocolate bar that is stuck…

Turk – “Ok there she is, now’s your chance. Remember Be A Man”
JD (psyching himself up)– “BE A MAN”

JD puffs up his chest and approaches Elliot.

JD – “Ell I need to tell you something really important…”
Elliot (distracted) – “Sure JD what is it…”
JD – “Elliot I….I….I Love You…”…*BANG*…Elliot gives the vending machine a smack at the exact moment JD says you….
“…gene Levy” – adds JD
Elliot now paying attention again – “You love Eugene Levy? The dad from American Pie?”
JD – “…Uh huh…”
JD speeds off awkwardly.

JD and Turk are sitting in the Hospital Canteen. JD is busy explaining his failed attempt at telling Elliot he loves her when Dr. Cox walks up.
“Lady troubles Bambi?”
JD – “Dr. Cox…how would you tell your best friend you love them?”
Dr Cox – “Woah there Cinderella, I think he’s gonna hear you…(whispering) he’s sitting right next to you” (Dr. Cox points to Turk).
JD – “No, Not Turk…”
(Turk pouts)
“But you know I love you right brother bear?”
Turk (Smiling again) “I love you too Papa Bear”
The Boys smile at each other foolishly.
Dr. Cox – “You two are sick, but if you really want my advice Ginger. Just suck it up and be a man”.

Dr. Cox walks off.

JD – “You know, sometimes I really wish he’d get transferred to a hospital in Australia or something…”

Elliot joins the table, Turk excuses himself.
Elliot – “Hey”
JD – “Hey. Listen…this morning I didn’t quite tell you what I wanted to”
Elliot – “oh yeah? What’s up?”
JD – “Elliot… I’ve been wanting to tell you this for so long…I love you”
As JD says the word you, Dr. Kelso interrupts.
Dr. Kelso – “you love what??”
JD – “I said , I Love UNICEF, and I was wondering if Elliot would like to help me with some charity work”
Elliot has a confused look on her face…


JD is consulting an elderly patient…and drifts off into thought

Patient – “…Dr. Dorian…are you ok?”
JD – “oh I’m sorry Mr. Garrison. I’m just a little distracted…”
Mr. Garrison – “It’s a girl right? It’s always a girl”
JD – “yeah…you see there’s this girl I work with, who’s like the closest friend I have…”
Mr. Garrison – “…and you’re in love with her right?”
JD – “Is it that obvious?”
Mr. Garrison – “yeah, but just not that obvious to her. You see son, life is short, and if you have a chance to tell someone how you feel, you tell them. What if they get hit by a bus tomorrow?”
JD – “Yeah I know, its just…what if it ruins our friendship”
Mr. Garrison – “Dr. Dorian…excuse me for saying so, but suck it up, be a man”.
JD – “I been getting that a lot today”
Mr. Garrsion – “Now Doctor…what’s wrong with me”
JD – “Oh right sorry…well it seems like ..oh…it seems like…well…you’ve got advanced testicular cancer. I’m sorry Mr. Garrison.”

JD Voiceover:
We’re always told to appreciate the people in our lives today, because tomorrow they may be gone…What they don’t tell you though is how much those people WANT to be appreciated…

JD is watching Elliot pack up her locker after a long day.

Carla and Todd walk up to JD.
Carla – “Why don’t you try asking her out JD…”
JD (embarrassed) – “what…what are you talking about”
Carla – “oh come on JD, you’re head over heels in love with her, the whole Hospital knows but her”
JD (irritated) – “WHAT? How does everyone know?”

The Janitor walks past and says “I handed out flyers….Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go burn rubber”

Todd – “you should tell her you want to bang her! Chicks dig that”
Carla – “maybe the chicks you go out with you pervert”
Todd – “that’s not what your mom said! Yeah!” Todd holds out his hand for a high five…

Turk joins the group and says “Hey guys what’s going on?” he completes Todd’s high five, blissfully unaware.

Carla slaps Turk and storms off.
Turk – “What did I do???”

JD – “ok, this is it…I’m going to tell her…”

In slow motion an inspired JD floats towards Elliot.

JD – “Elliot, I going to tell you something, and I don’t know how you’ll react, but you need to know…”
Elliot – “Ok…”
JD – “No interruptions!”
Elliot – “sorry…”
JD – “Elliot…I am head over heels…”

Just then Ted appears between the two.

Ted – “Hey guys, have either of you seen any tyres laying around…someone has taken them off my car…oh…sorry JD where you about to tell Elliot you’re in love with her?”

Elliot is stunned.
Elliot – “What?”

JD Voiceover:
We can plan things in our heads for years, rewrite what we want to say 100 times, but at the end of the day, unless we suck it up and do it…opportunity will just pass us by and move on the next person.

24: The Lost Episode (based on actual events)

October 12, 2009

The Following takes place between 5pm-6pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

2 Floors beneath the city centre, a secret organization (CTU) sets into motion a series of events that will forever change the lives of those involved – in a mere 24 hours.

Head of the secret organization (CTU): “ Ladies and Gentleman, today we launch an event so traumatic, that will tear apart our very own organization as we know it…the year end Christmas Function!”

Meanwhile, on some random street a cell phone rings and a familiar voice answers: “Bauer….”
…“Jack, its Chloe…we have a situation”…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6pm-7pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Chloe…? I’m undercover…you’re not supposed to call me on this line”
“I know Jack…but its urgent…I’m uploaded an email that was intercepted on our server within the last hour”
“Ok…it’s coming through now”
There is a deafening silence broken only by a passing car hooter.
“Jack….are you there? Jack??”
“I’m here Chloe…are you sure about this…has anyone else seen this email?”
“…everyone jack…”

Jack responds ominously “Then God help us all…”
“I’m afraid so Jack…another Christmas Party”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 8pm-9pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

There is a buzz around CTU headquarters as everyone reads their emails. Programmers are already instant messaging chat rooms and arranging dates for the Xmas Party. The finance ladies are planning their travel routes and subsidising extra expenses…

However two CTU agents are in heavy discussion about a more serious nature.
Special Agents Tony Almeida & Michelle Dessler:

Michelle: “Tony…Chloe found Jack…he’s alive and undercover”
Tony: “What??? …dammit Michelle…ok…does Kim know?”
Michelle” “We’re not sure…”

Suddenly Kim Bauer, Jack’s daughter appears in sight…

Tony approaches her..“Kim…we need to talk”….he grabs her arm and they disappear into a nearby Interrogation room.

Michelle watches from outside as Kim breaks down into tears and hugs Tony.

Tony rejoins Michelle
Tony: “She knew”
Michelle: “Then what was all the tears about?”
Tony: “…she’s worried about having to find Jack a date for the Christmas Party…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 10pm-11pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
A cellphone rings
“Jack…it’s Tony”
“Godammit Tony…whats the point of being undercover if everyone’s going to keep phoning me!”
“I’m sorry Jack…we’re bringing you in….”
“No Tony…not know…I’m days away from finding out what went wrong with the Idols votes…”
“We all wanna know Jack…but you know this is more important….we have to find you a date”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 11pm-12am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Back at CTU headquarters.
Everyone stops what they are doing at the sign of agent Jack Bauer walking through the corridors of CTU.

Tony Almeida speaks up, “Jack, we’re here to help you…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12am-1am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “ No…it’s too dangerous…I’ll find my own date!”

Tony Almeida: “How Jack? You say the same thing every year…now let us help before more people have to die….”

Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use a dating agency”

Just then, several explosions go off around the city as every dating agency in town is bombed by terrorists.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1am-2am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use find someone on the internet”

Just then, a deadly virus is released by terrorists onto the internet destroying every major system in the financial and municipal sectors.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2am-3am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll ask President Palmer if I can go with his sister”

Just then, a CTU phone operator speaks up “Agent Almeida…its President Palmer…he says his sister….has….has…been assassinated by terrorists!”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3am-4am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll fly out tonight and bring back a wife from Russia”

Just then, Russia prepares a nuclear attack on the US….a terrorist group takes responsibility for the announcing of a pending attack

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4am-5am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Oh c’mon!!!! Seriously? A Nuclear attack what is this 1986??”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 5am-6am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
CTU headquarters is on edge. Agent Michelle Dessler is the voice of reason…
“Ok guys..its late…none of us have had any sleep….what say we get some shut eye and give this some fresh thinking…?”
Everyone agrees…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6am-7am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 7am-8am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 8am-9am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 9am-10am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 10am-11am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 11am-12pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Tony Almeida reconvenes the CTU…
“Ok guys….right now we need suggestions…time is running out, Jack will be awake soon, and lives are at stake here!”

Special Agent Chloe O’Brian speak ups…”Um….guys…I have an idea…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12pm-1pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Tony, trust me…I can do it …”
“No Chloe…its too dangerous…”
“Tony…I want to do it…”, continues Chloe
“….you sure?”
Chloe nods…

“ok…someone wake up Jack….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1pm-2pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Dammit No Chloe, I can’t put you in danger….” bellows Special Agent Jack Bauer.
“Jack its ok…I want to go to the Christmas Party with you”…

“But what if….what if people talk?? There’s no way you can go to a work Christmas Party with someone you work with…especially not if…”

Jack stops short of revealing something he’s been wanting to say for months now…

….Chloe pushes him…”not if what Jack….?”

Jack finally gives in “…especially not if you’re in love with your colleague….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2pm-3pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Less than an hour ago, Special Agent Jack Bauer revealed his feelings for his colleague Chloe O’Brian after she volunteered to be his plus one at the year end Xmas function.

“Jack…I’m sorry… I didn’t know”….
“It wouldn’t have made a difference either way though…right?”…laments Jack

“Jack…maybe we should try find you someone else…I don’t think I thought this out properly”

“DAMMIT Chloe, we don’t have time!”

“Why don’t you go with Special Agent Mary Wallbanger?”

“C’mon Chloe…her name says it all…”

“I don’t know Jack…I need to rethink this”….

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3pm-4pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Chloe is still thinking

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4pm-5pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Ok Jack…I’ll go with you on one condition”

Jack says without hesitation “anything…”

Chloe takes a deep breath and says “We can still be friends after this…”


Sharlto You are My Hero…

October 1, 2009

I have three passions in my life.
Music, Film & Writing (four if you count my love for the WWE).

There’s not a day that doesn’t go by without me being thankful I work in the music industry as a full time job.

I’m lucky enough to dabble in the film and TV industry when the opportunities present themselves, and truth me told, if I was brave enough I would try being an actor/writer on a full time basis.

Being South African, which is mostly embarrassing at times, it’s very difficult to make a career out of film, for many reasons, of which I won’t go into now. But its also ridiculously disheartened at times. Unless you’re prepared to make a career as a soapie actor or “that guy from that commercial”, film recognition is something that’s reserved for the elite few.

I dream of being a big star. I dream of working with my idols and heroes. I dream of winning an Oscar and making the funniest most heartfelt speech (straight after I make out with Halle Berry).
And 99%, that’s all it will ever amount to. A dream.

But there are times when something happens that motivates me so that I believe wholeheartedly in the ridiculously impossible. They are few and far between.
But today I experienced another one of them.

The first however should be noted. It was that very moment Charlize Theron won the Oscar and made her speech saying she’s bring the Oscar back to South Africa.
I doubt my feeling was one of being proudly South African, I’m not THAT contradictory. It was more of a feeling of “I can do it too!” – no not win best Actress, but rather work my way up there.

The second such moment as I said happened today.

Following on the groundbreaking success of “District 9”, its unknown South African star Sharlto Copley was elevated to that level the rest of us dream of.

He was quickly cast as “Howling Mad” Murdoch in the big screen adaption of an 80s serious I grew up on – The A-Team. (I still have my action figures on my desk to this very day).

Even as the news was rumored and then later confirmed, it’s something that didn’t quite set in.

As I browsed my daily film news sites, I came across this image that literally put me on District cloud 9 and made me believe in the impossible.
Here is a guy who was just walking down the street in SA one day…and is now starring with the likes of Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel.

I can’t even imagine how his mind is processing all of this. For me its like a dream.

Is it all about hard work and sticking to the task?
Is it all about the lucky break?
Is it about destiny?

Maybe it’s simply the right combination of all three.

It’s not about chasing the fame. It’s about chasing the dream…..and my friends… I may be the biggest dreamer of them all.