What year eh?
Next week is December, and for the first time in my life I actually want a holiday.
Not that i’m going on one, I’ll still be working till the 24th December.
But the fact that I want leave shows growth.
And that is exactly how I would define this year for myself.
A year of growth.
In both my career and as a person.
Yet…I find myself at the dead center of a very bizarre paradox.
I’m very distinctly split into two people at the moment.
One stands in the reality of my life. The other walks in the dream.
The tricky part now is trying to get these two to meet, make love and produce a child in a brave new world. (If you are now having disturbing images of me as a twin having relations with myself, you are a sick and twisted individual – but you’re not wrong).
My greatest fear has always been waking up an old man and wondering where my life went. Ok. It’s my second greatest fear next to waking up with someone else’s testicles attached to my groin. But I digress.
Lately I’ve been waking up every morning and thinking, this is it?seriously?
I’ve never been as in love with my job as I’ve been lately, I have a sense of importance about myself and the role I play in my company, and I can honestly see myself staying within the company for the rest of my life, of course a decent remuneration would be nice…but im working on that.
Now aged 31, my life has become the most mundane of routines.
I get up in the morning. Listen to my mom complain. Come to work, work till 8.30/9pm (I don’t really have anywhere else to go, so I’m not in a hurry to wrap things up). Drive home. Listen to my mom complain about the same things. Kill time till 3/4am. Sleep – if i’m lucky, then it all starts again.
My weekends are about taking my mom to the shops (and made to feel guilty if I don’t take her out, because she’s been in the house the whole week you know.)
Fixing things around the house – Now the fridge has broken, and I have to get a new one. The bathroom needs repairs, I have to get them fixed.
I have to make sure there is food on the table every day (thankfully we only eat once a day).
WHEN DID THIS BECOME MY LIFE?
I’m serving the role of provider, man of the house and the responsible one.
I’ve been doing this since I was 11 years old!
In January my dad has been dead 20 years (and a few months later my older brother would have been dead 19 years).
I always thought it was just a case of waiting things out until things got better and it was my turn to live my life. This is my life – boy did I get the short end of the stick or what.
I sleep on a mattress on the floor because my bed broke many years ago, and now I’m at the age where sleeping on the floor actually isn’t enjoyable anymore (imagine if I brought a girl home….ok…I can’t picture that either).
I can hardly walk anymore. I’m in constant pain and after driving home at night it takes me a few minutes to get out the car just so I can suck it up and pretend the pain doesn’t exist.
You’d swear I’m 80 years old.
I can’t be around people anymore. There is no sense of responsibility or accountability anymore in people anymore. (Or am I just jealous that they are living a carefree existence? Naaaa, they’re just idiots.)
I don’t have a friend my age who I hang out with. I don’t have that “buddy” I can call up and go out and do something with on a whim. I go to movies alone (the late show of course). My best friend is my dog. And he’s more interested in licking his balls than hanging out with me anyways.
So where’s the growth you ask?
Well, a year ago I’d be suicidal, depressed and miserable 24/7.
But I’m not like that anymore, and I believe that’s thanks mainly to the other me.
I’ve always known what the dream is. I’ve always believed it’s possible. My life is not in this country. It’s not with these people. In fact, my life hasn’t even begun yet.
I lost focus of my dream for a while, but over the last 8 months it’s grown increasingly real.
No it’s not to own a fancy car – I can’t even tell the difference between Mercedes Benz and Mercedes Ruehl.
Earlier this year I got the worst case of Tick Bite fever (thanks to two bites from my friendly neighborhood ticks delivered courtesy of my cat). Nobody actually knows how sick I was, but I was as close to death’s door as I’ve ever been. I tried to wait it out as I always do when I get sick, but this time I just got worse and worse. Eventually I got treatment I need for it and made my way back to health, including coming back to work way before I was supposed to. What a hero.
Since that period though, I’ve been so focused on my work and making a name for myself, that everything seems possible.
The dream in question is and always will be New York City.
It’s been over 10 years since I was last there. But I think about it every single day. All day.
I believe my work is my way over there. I honestly do.
It may not be in the next year, or 5 years. But it WILL happen.
If I have to deal with all the crap in my life to get there, dagnabbit I will suck it all up like a man, be responsible, be accountable and earn my dream.
I will work for it – because I don’t take crap from anyone anymore. They don’t walk over me, and they certainly wont treat me less than I deserve anymore.
On the side, I’ve discovered my passions again. I love my writing, I know I am talented. Whether it be creative (as in my Lost Episodes blogs) or non fictional stuff like you’re reading right now. My talent will reward me down the line.
I am so driven at the moment, that the things that used to send me into a spiraling depression, and now simply – just things.
I’ve cut so many negative influences out my life, and not allowed myself to get distracted by silly little things like matters of the heart (chicks) or “friendships”.
I see all my old friends moving on with their lives, getting engaged, getting married, getting tough, getting going. And I am truly happy for them.
I no longer bare heartache, or grudges, or take things personally.
I may be lonely, but its for a greater good, and my loneliness does not define me any longer.
And the when all is said and down, there is only one question to ask myself –
Why have I used “I” so many times in this blog?
The answer is simple.
Because it’s about me now.
I am my own man…..who just happens to be carrying more baggage than most.