Archive for September, 2010

Alexander Graham Bell Ruined My Life

September 27, 2010

There is possibly no other inanimate object I hate more than the telephone. (Lindsay Lohan’s firecrotch doesn’t count)

I seriously hate everything about it. The device, the sound it makes, even the way it stares at you.

I may have mentioned in the past how I haven’t even had a ringtone on my cell phone (or mobile phone for you international readers) for over four years. It’s been on silent. This means I probably quite simply miss your call, or plain ignore it.

Don’t take it personally. I just try and avoid the phone at any cost.

And of course to go along with that, comes the new conundrum of sms and chat. I love that…I really do, but I need to use the actual phone to do that…damn that mother truckin’ Alexander Graham Bell. This is his fault you know.

Anways, I’ve always knew why I detested the device so much.

It’s two fold really.

Back when I was younger, the ringing of a phone brought only bad news….death. That kinda thing traumatizes one, you know. Answering that phone and being told that someone had just died is probably one of the worst things you can hear (the other being “you should of said I need five to make a million sorry we can’t make you a winner”)….

The irony of my kryptonite was that my job for the next 8 years after high school would be working in a call centre. It breaks a person apart. They say only certain people can work on a helpdesk…I always thought so too…but looking back now, I know those 8 years will forever have me in its power….freak you Bell.

I feel for peopleon helpdesks…its not easy….so take it easy on em folks…they are human beings….except for those @sses over at FNB Loans.

I don’t answer my phone if I can help it, and recently I went a good few weeks without it and realized I didn’t miss it one bit. In fact I think my voice mail is full…

I wonder if that is the reason I don’t date haha….maybe….if you’re a girl…and you’ve received a phone call from me….like ever, well then i really like you….seriously. If you’re a guy…well then my car has probably broken down and sms will take too long.

It’s one of the hardest things for me to do…I become like an ADD victim when I even attempt to dial.

I dial, cancel, dial, cancel, and so on…

It’s so painful you have no idea.

I’m trying to slowly build up my phoning ability….but its gonna take some time, so bare with me ok?

That my friends is my phobia, so don’t judge me….there are other things you can make fun of instead….like my love for Wizards of Waverly Place.

Teen sitcoms rule!


2 Dudes Talk About a Girl

September 24, 2010

Dude, I met this girl.

Dude, is she hot?

Dude, its not even like that, but yeah she is.

Dude, did you score?

Dude, I told you, she’s different….

Dude, you’ve gone soft

Dude, she’s like nobody iv ever met before

Dude, where did you meet her?

Dude, we…well…we haven’t actually “met”

Dude, did you make up an imaginary girl?

Dude, sometimes I think so…

Dude, what do you mean?

Dude, I met her online…

Dude, that’s trouble, what if she’s a 300pound dude?

Dude, she’s not a dude…

Dude, I’m just saying…

Dude, she makes me feel so good…like she brings out the best part of who I am…

Dude, are you crazy??!??

Dude, you just can’t understand….

Dude, then enlighten me…

Dude, first thing I think of in the morning is her, last thing I think of is her…she inspires me live each day to its fullest. She believes in me, she….

Dude, if you say she “completes you”, I’m going to smack you…

Dude, look, I don’t know, I’m not sure how she even thinks about me…I could just be some online guy she chats to…

Dude, is she even in the same country as you?

Dude, no….

Dude, then move on…this is not a good idea, you know how you fall for the craziest people…

Dude, not a chance….its different this time. She’s far too special to just be an online friend..

Dude, you sound like you’ve got a serious crush on this girl? Do you even know what she looks like?

Dude, there’s no way she can’t be beautiful to me.

Dude, you sound a bit gay….

Dude, yes. Yes I am happy.

The One With All The Birthdays (Part 2)

September 22, 2010

Well after last nights trip down nightmare lane, I definitely needed a breather before tackling part two of my The One with All the Birthdays Blog.

And I tell you, post 2000, things did not get any better…in fact that slope became that much more slippyer(?)… um…slipperier…(?) …ok, you get the point.

2003 – 25th Birthday

25…a quarter century old. However by this time…I felt about 80yrs old (how does an 80yr old feel? With his hands of course…badda bing) The year leading up to my birthday had been nothing short of tragic. I the last 12 months, I had lost my gran, who died on my late brother’s birthday (and if you remember, her birthday was 2 days before mine) AND I lost my closest cousin who shockingly took his own life. I know right? You couldn’t make this shizniz up.

I was working in a job I hated, and admittedly, I lost all interest in giving my all to the job, especially since the landscape change there had put idiots in charge. And all my standing up for my rights stood for nothing there.

The only saving grace I had was that I was headed to the UK for the month of my birthday to stay with my other cousin who had moved there (who I haven’t spoken to since and miss tremendously)

After an amazing London adventure, (that was ironically repeated earlier this year), I spent my birthday in Leicester with cousin and his wife, and of course British weather does nothing for one’s mood.

Homesick, yet in no hurry to return to my job, I braved my birthday for the sake of survival….not knowing what awaited me when I got back. The biggest screw job of a dismissal known to man. If anyone wants to read the expose I wrote after my firing…let me know…I went out Burg style 🙂

2004 – 26th birthday

After officially being terminated from my job in February of this year, thinks got worse when my mom lost her job a month later. So suddenly from a two income house, we were down to a zero income house.

I took my sudden unemployment as a sign that this was the kick in the butt I needed to follow my dreams and go from 8 years in the IT industry into journalism and entertainment – where my heart truly laid.

Jobs in the industry were few and far between, but I tried for anything that may sound even remotely like the TV, music or media field I was dying to get in.

I got some extras work on TV an minor roles in ads, but nothing significant, and the money began drying up quickly.

Thankfully, I got given a chance to shine as a writer for the website of a reality show that ran for 3 months called Project Fame. The job was amazing and the breakthrough that lead me to where I am today.(I even have a tattoo commemorating the date).

However, the pay wasn’t great, and I remember at the interview saying I would be happy with a bucket of chicken for my salary. ( I think that’s what nailed the job for me)

As all good things, it came to an end. And the next 8 months I sat unemployed, trying to just make it to the next source of income. I lost a helluva lot of friends who couldn’t understand how I could allow this to happen instead of just getting another job in IT.

The night my mom and I had old stale ice cream cones for dinner…I knew that I would never let this happen again.

Anyways, long story short. My birthday came and went without any acknowledgement. No friends, no money, no food.

On the plus side, I think for the first time I reached my “ideal weight”

Wow…ok….my eyes are actually burning from the tears right now…um…I mean the dust…there is so much dust in here (that’s right im writing my blog from an abandoned warehouse).

2006 – 28th Birthday

After spending the last 2 years moving from awesome job to awesomer job, I managed to fulfill my ambitions of working for some of the brightest and best. I forged out careers as a writer for magazines, I worked for TV, hosted shows, acted in a few movies, I gave The Burg life…I had made friends (and enemies) and by October 2006 I was working for my hero in a record label that he helped build. I had made it to where I wanted to be…(for then).

What better way to celebrate, my birthday, than with my first officially Birthday dinner!
I had know my work colleagues for about 2 months. I had known my Myspace friends for what seemed like forever. I had old work associates that promised they would love to stay in touch.

The perfect invite list for a meaningful dinner….

Through the help of one of my new work mates, we organized a good restaurant and booked about 20 seats.

Nervous that I didn’t even have enough money in the bank to pay for myself I knew this would be a disaster…but hey it was my birthday, surely people would pitch in for a dinner right?

I arrived at the restaurant about 2 hours before the dinner was meant to start and ordered a coke light…which took exactly 2 hours to drink.

Let’s do the math again since we love numbers

Out of the 20 people I invited, 15 showed up. That was HUGE
Out of the 15 people who showed up, 5 I had known for less than six months, 4 of them I was meeting for the first time, and 5 of them I am still in touch with today.

My most awkward moment…smsing a friend at the table asking him if I could borrow money to pay for my meal. Yeah, real classy of me.

2007 – 29th Birthday

Ah, this…this was a special one.

During my year I had met the love of my life. I had fallen hopelessly in love with her, and for the first time thought about things I was normally 100% against. Marriage, children, sex in public restrooms….

Ok…ignore that last part.

I had spent most of the year trying to woo her. Yes, I still use the word woo because I’m old skool like that. We had gone out a number of times, I had met, and liked to thing I was like by, her family. Everything was there for the perfect life… except…she didn’t believe in it. She was never sure how she felt about me, she was scared to make a choice…and ultimately, I don’t think she believed I was genuine about the way I felt with her…

They were the most intense, happiest, most painful months of my life…and ultimately, nothing ever happened between us. Not so much as even a kiss…

For months it was like being the boy in the plastic bubble.
I fell for her…hard….and truth is, no matter how bad things became, no matter how much it hurt, I still love her to this day, and she will probably never know how much….

After making her birthday, by her own admission, one of the best ever, she in turn promised me that my birthday would be special too. (uh oh).

By September things had broken down to the point where she didn’t want to speak to me or see me every again. I of course, had to try everything I knew to try and win her heart, but in the end…ended up pushing her too far away to ever get back.

Then come October, I was in the greatest depression since, well, since The Great Depression. I knew I had to get away from everything. With my birthday coming up, it may just be the straw that broke this cameltoe’s back.

The week before my birthday I knew what I had to do.
I had to disappear from it all. I needed to leave in order to save myself.

My birthday arrived, and I couldn’t wait for it to end. Then the morning after I packed a bag, and left home with no money, and no food and headed out.

I drove. I drove from 9am until 2am the next morning. Getting lost on deserted farm roads, almost flipping my car trying to avoid a rabbit in the road, but loving every minute of it.

For the next 11 days, I drove through 5 provinces, relying on the kindess of others to take care of food and accommodation (because I was still dead broke at this time too.)

I had what people call and epiphany.

The whole journey was documented by me and my little video camera, and in fact you can view most all of it here –

When I returned I was a new person. And as always a big moment in my life calls for a tattoo. Now forever on my left forearm, it read simply – “Love Thyself”

2009 – 2010
Last year was actually fairly timid birthday, I endured the singing of happy birthday in our staff meeting, I even left the balloons on my door long enough for the party planners to be satisfied, and the rest of the day I spent it in my office till as late as possible before heading to a late night cd/dvd store to do the thing that makes me happy. Browse.

The question is, what will this year bring? 2010 has been one of the single most eventful years of my life. (Yes! Over and above what you have read up until now) and seeing as though i’m hoping its my last birthday in this country…I even thought about having dinner with some of my nearest and dearest friends…

*it was at this moment the world gave a collective sigh and said in unison….This kid just doesn’t learn!*

The One With All The Birthdays (Part 1)

September 21, 2010

It’s T-minus 3 weeks until yet another Birthday. (Which means the annual descent into misery and self pity has begun.)

Don’t get me wrong, I happen to LOVE birthdays…just not my own. There’s nothing better that spoiling someone to the nth degree on their day of Birthing, and I’m proud to say I’ve done some pretty awesome things for people on those days. To my own self destruction of course, but still, I wouldn’t have changed a single thing I’ve done for others.

But enough about them, let’s get back to me.

I have a fairly storied history when it comes to bad bdays. In fact, I may just qualify for the Hall of Fame of bad birthdays.

People may argue that birthdays mean less the older you get, but my misery seems to go way back to my childhood.

I’d like to share a few of my favourites with you if that’s alright.

1991 – 13th Birthday

Ah yes, the beginning of my teens, the end of my primary school life, and an adventure into manhood! Well, not quite.
The year before I had lost my dad, and now just a few months later my older brother had killed himself, so suddenly in the space of a year…I was the man of the house and I had half a family.
And my mom…well, she was understandably a mess. We had spent most of the year trying to find some sort of normalcy in the insanity that had ruled our lives, the last thing anyone wanted to do was celebrate a birthday. That would be pretty damn selfish of me.

But still I was a kid, and I wanted something for my bday, something simple. All I wanted for my birthday was a box of Trivial Pursuit (the logic that I had nobody to play with never dawned on me…I was a trivia junkie…and Trivial Pursuit was the ultimate fix).

I started playing tennis in my final year of primary school, and loved it. It was a pretty simple sorta escape from life…One afternoon just before my birthday in particular I will always remember.

I left practice and ran toward my mom who was waiting for me outside the school as normal. When I got in the car, the first thing she asked me was where was my tracksuit top, ah damn…I left it on the tennis court! Quickly running back to go fetch it, I was in for surprise. The teacher had already locked up the courts and my tracksuit top was nowhere in site. Uh oh.

I got back into the car and told me mom. She exploded and slapped me so hard on my bare leg that the hand mark was instantly visible. I remember as we pulled away two friends waved goodbye to me (unaware of what just happened), and me always the one to fake a smile, proceeded to wave back with a big goofy fake grin and trying to hold back the tears streaming down my face.

Things were about to get much worse though. When we got home my mom ran inside while I stayed by the car to take my bag out. She came storming out the house and launched a rather large object at my face, which then hit the ground and broke open revealing pie pieces and trivia cards. It was my Trivial Pursuit…aw sweet… she remembered.

By the way, I got my tracksuit back on the Monday, the teacher took it home for safe keeping…

1999 – 21st Birthday

Oh yes…legal in every way! The big 21…no bigger excuse for a celebration right? Well, not if you don’t drink, have friends or party like its 1999 (NICE SEGWAY!)

My 21st was another event that for any normal human being would be a pretty epic celebration, and to my mom’s credit she did try and make it something special. Of course, this meant an entire gathering of the family…or in other words, the rest of the family and us two.

We had a function on the Saturday to celebrate my late Gran’s birthday the following day and my 21st the Tuesday after that. The usual “you’re all grown up” wishes flowed in as each person arrived, then the ceremonial handing over of the 21st Key blah blah blah. Not my scene really. In fact, my speech pretty much consisted of me saying “I don’t think anyone ever thought I’d make it this far”….nothing like awkward silence.

Anyways, Monday was back at work time, and I remember someone special getting me non alcoholic champagne, which to this day was one of the most thoughtful and respectful things anyone has ever done.

It was a short return to work, as I had taken the next day off. That evening however, I became violently ill, and spent the whole night puking….a good solid 15 hours or straight puking. Eventually passing out from pure exhaustion… when I eventually came round…it was 1am….Wednesday morning…I had missed my own 21st Birthday.

Anyways, I went to the doctor that day, and it turned out I had blood poisoning from accidentally cutting myself with a knife when I was eating Biltong…smooth.

2000 – 22nd Birthday

Birthday “parties” are awkward at the best of times. We all run through a set of pretty standard thoughts in our head:

– Do I bring a gift?
– How late should I arrive so I’m not the first one there?
– What’s a good time to leave without being seen as being bored?
– What if Stifler’s mom tries to do me on the pool table?

Since I don’t have the answers to these questions, I tend to avoid parties, and even more so throwing them. In fact, I just don’t have the confidence to even attempt to arrange something. But this particular year, I thought “Hey, new millennium, new me…let’s give it a bash!”

I prepped the invites… I was having a Birthday Braai! (or BBQ for my international friends).

Being at a fairly new job, I only had a handful of people that I would invite there, but I sent invites to old work mates, or school friends I had recently got in touch with. The only thing more impressive that the invite list was the RSVP list…wow…finally I would have someone other than the mailman coming to my house! This was huge!

The new me was looking pretty damn popular.

I even went out and bought some Graca (which I think is wine…right??)…I had brought alcohol to my own party!

The day of the braai arrived…I was pretty damn nervous…as the hours counted down to the start time, I got everything ready….put chairs around the pool, Got the old dartboard ready….took the cover of the newly purchased pool table….this was gonna be sweet.

The first car pulled up, and I went out to check. Nope wasn’t for me, but a neighbour’s guest.

12pm…nobody was there.
1pm (start time)…still nobody

Unbelievable…I couldn’t imagine how impossible this was.
Eventually I got a text message from 1 guest, saying “sorry dude can’t make it.”

4pm – Then 2 guys arrived, they stayed a while until a third arrived. Luckily we all knew each other so that avoided any awkwardness when I went to the kitchen to get snacks.

5pm – one old school friend arrived and stayed for about 30min. If I remember we chatted about how good the cheese rolls from the local café were.

By 6pm, everyone had cleared out.

Out of 30 people who RSVP saying they’d be there, and were even reminded the day before…5 people turned up. 3 people ate. 1 person excused themselves after being over 3 hours late. And the rest …well…the other 24 apparently forgot, or got tied up.

The kids have a word for this today. It’s called a #FAIL

Ill let you catch your breath for a second, but come back to this blog in a few hours for….
Part 2 …..

*Ding Dong* – Just a second, I’ll be right there

September 19, 2010

So that last blog was quite the global phenomenon eh?

Sheesh…I never expected it to explode like it did.

After receiving over 3000 hits thanks to being featured on the freshly pressed section of the WordPress home page, it would seem like my popularity has soared….this is one scary notion.

The Mug Blog now officially enters my Hall of Fame along with The Man Crush blog…which was a doozy in itself.

But seeing my blog crack the number 3 position on the list of Fastest Growing Blogs on WordPress is seemingly a double edged sword.

Suddenly I feel so much pressure as to what my next blog will be.. So please allow me some time and patience to wrap my head around the next one….because clearly the eyes of the world are watching!

Me & My Mug – A Love Story

September 13, 2010

You know…all things considered, I’m a pretty tolerant guy. One might even say, I’m TOO understanding at times.

But there is one thing that royally ticks me off every single time, regardless of who does it.

If you’ve ever worked in an office and had your own mug…you’ll immediately know what I’m talking about.

The #1 law of office ettiquite:

The non-approved use of someone else’s personal mug!

I’ve had my office mug for the better part of 5 years now.

It was given to me as a gift by someone I still consider a friend even though we don’t much talk anymore, but the spirit in which it was given and the thought that went into it is something I still cherish. It has followed me through 3 different careers, and has survived many a scares with butterfingered dish washers.

The mug defines my personality pretty accurately, but it’s perhaps this same beacon of light that acts as the proverbial moth to the flame to that inconsiderate clandestine group who insist on pushing the boundaries of personal space.

I’m all for a good joke, and I can even find humor in the photo’s that arrive in my inbox, or to my cell phone on my days off, of my cup in compromising positions or exotic locations akin to the infamous travelling gnome, but there are lines that just should not be crossed.

Recently there have been two incidents which have threatened to tip over the balance of serenity in the workspace.

A few weeks ago, a fellow employee, who will STILL be referred to as the new girl until such time as she earns the right to have a name, made the irreparable mistake of bringing a guest into the kitchen and allowing her to select a mug from the cupboard containing personal mugs. (Which happens to be to the right of the guest mugs/cups).

I appeared in the kitchen for my first of 2 cups of coffee (10am and 2.30pm call times), to the awkward question of “um…where is your cup?”

What ensued was a manhunt the likes not seen since Tommy Lee Jones every outhouse treehouse doghouse search from The Fugitive.

Upon my discovery of the culprit…came my Hulk like transformation. I was sent down to my office to calm down, where I waited for New Girl to see her guest out. I confronted her in the reception and shortly afterwards received the below email.

It reasons like this why she will always be the new girl.

Incident two took place last week…and saw the return of an old foe.

A man of rather big boned stature is a regularly visitor to the MD of the company. Which makes him think he has diplomatic immunity when it comes to my mug.

As he is often there for 2pm meetings…there is a good and often chance our paths will cross on a regular occasion.

See…he’s a clever one…he’s in and out that kitchen like the wind. I’m pretty sure he takes the coffee granules and sugar with him in his pocket and makes his hot beverage in the cold war room known as the MD’s office.

When I arrive a half an hour later to morbid silence often reserved for new of the death of a love one…I know exactly where my mug is. In the hands on the Mr. Two Plus Three.

This is a battle I don’t yet have the weaponry to fight. But I’m getting there…and next time I catch him using it…You may just see the outcome in the next morning’s news headlines.

So to anyone out there who still has intentions of driving me to breaking point. I leave you with this old Latin saying.

Do not effeth with thy mug.

Project B12 is a go!

September 1, 2010

You’ve heard me talk about it on the social networks…
Now have look what i’m actually on about.