Dear New York…

Dear New York

Can you believe its been almost 13 years since we last saw each other?

So much has happened that I don’t even know where to start.

I wasn’t sure if I should write you again because at times I doubted you would even remember me.

I’m still in South Africa. Which is killing me (almost literally some days!), but I’m trying to work my way outta here. It’s proving difficult though, and there are more days of doubt than days of promise. I’d say I cry myself to sleep some nights, but I haven’t had a decent night of sleep in almost 8 years – I kid you not.

The last time I was over there, I visited you with my cousin Andre. Do you remember him? He unexpectedly took his own life several years ago. That crushed me. Andre was the one guy (other than myself), who like to share my accomplishments. He always praised me to family and friends. I miss his support and guidance so much. Especially after my dad and brother’s death so many years ago, Andre became the closest thing I had to a male role model. I don’t have that anymore, and there are days I feel completely lost with out it.

Work is tough at the moment. I’ve been at my current job for almost 5 years now – a lifetime I know! I’m not happy there anymore. I’ve lost faith in the people, and worst of all in my future there. I’ve done so much for them, and am still not taken seriously nor given the credit or recognition I deserve. I feel like they still see me as “the new guy” and forever will. My ambitions are so much greater than the company allows. They all see that place as a job, whereas I view it as a career. I always felt they would be my way to a greater future overseas, but it’s clear they will never help me get transferred to an overseas branch. Plus I just can’t survive on the salary they are paying me anymore.

Things are home are always tense. I still live with my mom. Most people laugh at that, and they don’t understand why I’m still here. Neither do I at times. The reality is she lost her job back in 2004 when I lost my job, and has since refused to work. I get angry with the continual burden I have to carry. I’ve spent the last six years here taking care of her, paying off debts, fixing the house (which seems to be never ending…) and feeding two people.

We play the hands we are dealt I guess…but it crushes my spirit. My life should have been so different at this point.

I’ve been watching everyone else live there lives. I see them falling in love, getting married, having children…and perhaps worst of all I see them visiting you. It seems like everyone else is living a life while I’m living a lie.

Gosh, this letter has been all about me…I’m sorry about that. How have YOU been?

I was sorry to year about your loss in 2001. I cried so much that day.
I wanted to write you, but didn’t know what to say…

Anyways, I know you’re busy, so I wont take up anymore of your time…Do you mind if I write you again soon?

Please know that I love you, and have thought about you every single day. I can still close my eyes and picture you, smell your perfume, and feel you against me.
Is that weird? Probably.

I’m so lonely here, and I know you’re the only one who gets that.

Love Always

Burg.

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3 Responses to “Dear New York…”

  1. Dre Says:

    I sincerely hope you make it there. Anyone who desires anything so badly surely deserves to have it. Can almost taste the desperation in your words!
    Hope it works out for you man…

  2. Michelle Says:

    One day you will make it back. Even though you have all these things that have happened i am sure you will find a way back. cant believe how much things have happened. its sucks your mom has just left you up to taking care of her. i am glad it hasn’t dampen your spirit. New York is waiting for you!!!

  3. Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 2: The Weird, Whacky And Wise! « Burgs World – A guide to cutting through the stupidity of life Says:

    […] Dear New York… An very personal letter to the REAL love of my life…. […]

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