Archive for December, 2010

Burg’s Laws of Attraction – A Tale of Sex and Romance

December 7, 2010

WARNING – The below is not intended for anyone below the age of 16 (or whatever the legal age of consent is these days)

I’ve talked about how I enjoy flirting in the past. I’ve even brazenly listed the girls I’m interested in.

The other day I was at a party (stop the presses I know!), and as per any guys guy, I scoped out the guests looking around to see if there was anyone attracted to. The results of that survey are a cow’s opinion, but the whole process is something I enjoy.

Seeing what type of women I’m attracted to, and why, and why not etc etc etc.

Though I’ve never been one to engage in lewd conversation about women, quite the opposite in fact, I hate derogatory sexist talk about the hotness of women, and cannot engage in it with guys. I find it appalling. Conversations that contain the sentence “what I’d do to her …she wouldn’t be able to walk for a week” are not exactly conversations I’d like to be involved in.

I have however found myself in those scenarios many times, and felt like the odd one out each and every time – especially when copious amounts of booze are consumed by.

Because I come across as a cool, laid back ladies man, its assumed that’s exactly what I am. (Laughable I know). Going back to said party I was at, a cute girl offered to get me a drink, I politely declined saying I never touch the stuff. She was shocked and said “you look exactly the opposite, I would never have guessed” – I get that a lot, and I’m never sure how to take it. Book-cover-judge-much?

But I digress.

The point of this column is my attraction to women.
Whether it be sexual or otherwise.

In fact, lets push pause there for a second.
Sexual attraction…it’s a funny old thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really experienced that, because sexual attraction leads to sex right? On occasion at least.

My track record with the three letter word is probably directly equivalent to my supposed playboy status. It’s no secret (unless you’re reading my blog for the first time), that I have had sex a grand total of once on my life, and that was what…three years ago maybe? My memory fades fast at this age.

I’m not often sexually attracted to women (no, im not gay,bi or a monk), but when I am…boy am I.

Do I have a type? Sure I do, I like women that have an exotic appeal to them (no I don’t mean a penis), I mean I’m attracted to women who are darker in complexion, whether it be Indian/Asian women, European women or Latina. There is just something that gets my blood racing when it comes to them. (Don’t even get me started on my love for Leona Lewis…because that may indeed get me fired from my job)….Relax caucasian girls, I still find some of you attractive.

I like the whole build up towards talking about sex, the foreplay before the foreplay if ya will.

I enjoy “testing the waters” with them, and sometimes feel my urges taking over when the conversation turn a little heated. It normally doesn’t lead anywhere, so maybe I just don’t know how to “seal the deal”…pathetic to some I guess….

You know what I find really sexy? Water…weird right? But I do, thats where my imagination goes – a swimming pool, a shower, a bath, the rain,..Don’t know why…but i just do. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get an erection when I walk in a puddle of water, i’m just saying it my “sexiest environment”

Music I’d have sex to? Well, I love Zero 7 for mood music…or John Legend.

There are few people I currently chat to that I see or feel in that light, that’s not to say there isn’t ANYONE, but no potentials I guess.

Ironically I’m still talking to the one girl who I will always be attracted to in that way, even if its simply in email conversations, but she really gets me going. We openly joke about things like her having another baby, or getting a boob job, and yet I find myself completely imagining doing both these things for her.

Its frustrating, it really is, but I carry on with life, and life moves on without me. I guess it all comes down to that infamous movie quote – “Stop putting the pussy on a pedestal”

When the whole situation is analyzed, it will probably be revealed as some deep rooted problems I had as a child.

Having to grow up way before my time and not having all those experiences when it comes to girls. I never had that girl cousin who taught me how to kiss, or that best friends sister who made me a man. Everything I learned about sex and women came from the movies. And boy did Hollywood know how to set the bar for sex and romance.

Plus there is the whole issue of self confidence and body issues! I can’t even swim without a t-shirt, so how the heck will I ever let a girl see me completely nekkid!….well without laughing that is.

As guy, body issues are never really discussed, but it’s a huge confidence issue…I feel like a short fat guy (which in reality I probably am), but still, I must be able to flex fat long enough to fool someone!

Yes, I do have an amazing imagination… that’s what gets me through most nights.

So… you keen then eh?