The Art of The Phone Conversation…

I’ve often stated than much like other serious responsibilities in this life, i.e. driving, or possessing a firearm, we as human beings should have to obtain a license in order to talk on the phone.

A phone operating license if you will.

Being a telephone hater for many years now has allowed me to look at the process of talking on the phone from a more objective stance, and the self awareness that comes with avoiding telephone conversations is certainly an eye opener.

I’ve already discussed at length why I hate the phone (a blog you will find here), but now I’d like to address why certain people shouldn’t be allowed within a 100 yards of a telephone…(200 yards if on speaker phone). This is why I personally try and avoid speaking on the phone.

There is certain etiquette than comes along with the responsibilities of talking on the phone, and if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to address a few.

One on one conversation – Guy to Girl

This is by far the trickiest of all conversation scenarios. The age old tradition of a guy and girl speaking on the phone is a lost art these days, and many will consider it an ancient form of Facebook poking, but there still a lot to be said about talking to a girl on the phone. If done correctly it can be one of the most satisfying and rewarding things a guy and a girl can do together. (the other of course being playing chess together). All conversations should be kept light, and somewhat flirty, however they should never cross the line into sordid. If the guy and girl are in a relationship/married/ living together, a phone call should never be used to remind one or the other to “bring milk/cat food/toilet paper home”. A text message will do in that case. If the guy and girl are NOT together…well….that presents a whole new set of rules, with only one key rule that should always be observed: DO NOT SPEAK OF A THIRD PARTY YOU HOOKED UP WITH!

One on one conversation – Guy to Guy

Firstly, guys should never phone each other. Period, but I understand we live in a crazy world, and it’s bound to happen. If you are a dude who likes to phone other dudes, well then may I suggest keeping it short and too the point. None of this “so what’s news” chit chat. Never ask another guy what’s going on in his life romantically, unless you have a hot female friend (not necessarily single) you are about to set him up with, there is no reason to address love, sex and romance. Finally, never ever throw in the phrase “I miss you” during the conversation. Even if it’s followed by “dude”.

The “It’s been so long” call

The opening line is always some variation of “do you know who this is?” I hate that. I really don’t have time to go through the name of every person I have known over the course of 30 plus years on this earth. Is it so hard to start off with “this is so and so”? If the last time we chatted was longer than 5-10 years ago, there is a good chance life has changed for at least one of us, so stop holding on to the past, and embrace that is completely possible that one of us is a) at a new job b) married c) is now gay. Of course if all three have happened…it’s going to be a long call.

Conference Calls

These are the bane of my existence. Don’t get be wrong, I enjoy chatting with my international colleagues, and love the collection of cultures, accents and opinions…but…when it comes to work conference calls, the phrase that always comes to mind is “there’s always one…” There’s always one guy that’s louder than everyone. There’s always one heaver breather on the line, there’s always one person chewing, there’s always one person making lame jokes, there’s always one know-it-al, there’s always one who forget he’s on speak phone and of course….there’s always one who does all of the above.

Remember, Telephone Converstaions affect us all!

These are just a few observations…I may return to this blog in the future…I would still like to advise you in the rules for ”Chatting on a Mobile phone”, “Chatting to your parents” and of course “chatting to work colleagues” but feel free to share your scenarios too. Because the more we all know, the safer this world will be for all telephone kind.


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