Archive for February, 2011

Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 3: Surviving Love & Life

February 28, 2011

Welcome to the third and final partof The Essential Collection. This selection of blogs recollects the blogs that shocked so many people. From skeletons in my closet to details of the tragedies i have faced (and avoiding several of my own from suicide to being hijacked). These all took so much out of me, and opened myself up to a LOT of criticism. However, it also provided a lot of people with solace in their own lives. From dealing with abuse, or feelings of inadequacy, or even surviving a tragedy of their own, there were so many of you who contact me to thank me for being “brave” enough to write the words i did, and for that I will always continue to be honest in my words.

Part 3.1: Surviving Love

My 100th Blog post: XoXoXo – My Feelings on Hugs & Kisses
My 100th blog turned into something a bit heavier than I was planning on. My feelings on getting physical.

“Hey didn’t I see you out with a hot girl last night…?”
Yes you did. I still like her, but we haven’t seen each other since this day

The Dating Dilemma – An Anatomy of My Love Life
An expose into my current love life situation. It’s explosive…if somewhat embarrassing.

Back then we called it Charming. Today they call it Stalking
I’ve always been able to find out everyone about someone I knew nothing about…now it just seems a tad creepy.

I Fell in Like Last Week…
Pretty self explanatory right?

Burg’s Laws of Attraction – A Tale of Sex and Romance
Exactly what kind of girl gets my attention? Who am I most likely to pick out of a crowd? The answers may surprise you.

The Trouble With Love

Yeah, I’ve been in love. A few times in my life. This is one such time, and as usual…I was love’s beeyatch.

The Contenders – Take A little piece of my heart now baby…
I love the feeling of having a crush on someone…sometimes a few people at a time. This was a list of the 15 women I was crushing on a few months ago. As of today only 4 remain of that list (with a few new ones of course) The Columnist, The Newbie, The Girl and The Muse.

I Just Landed in NYC!!! A Look at Love, Sex, and Friendly Relations
Without a male influence in my life, my view on love and sex is somewhat…skewed.

The Guy with The Awesome Personality
OF course guys have body issues. I swim in a t-shirt for a reason. This is the blog guys don’t want you to read.

Dude, babe at 9 o’clock giving you the eye…
My original thoughts on signals girls give off…they clearly haven’t change much over the years.

The Little Green Guy (no not mini Hulk)
I’m a walking contradiction when it comes to love and friendships. This could be due to my bipolar disorder I’m sure….

Part 3.2: Surviving Life

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry….

A terrible year in my life started off with a mugging…

Rich Burg, Poor Burg: A story about Money

The Riches to rags, to riches story of ….me.

How to leave a job – The Burg way…(Part 1) How To Leave A Job – The Burg Way (Part 2)
A classic two part blog covering almost 13 years of my life and the jobs I loved and left. A favourite amongst former colleagues.

What Would The Neighbors Think? (Part 1)

A deeply draining blog that reveals only a portion of the things that have happened in the house of Burg. I will come back to part 2 eventually.

High School Confidential: Part 1 – NEVER FAIL!
For the first time I revealed the pain and darkness I had to deal with while trying to survive school. Including the details behind my own brother’s suicide.

High School Confidential: Part 2 – When It Rains, It Pours
Part 2 of the hardest blog I ever had to write. The secrets continue to be revealed.

Hey, remember that time I tried to end it?
Yup. Another suicide story. This time I think we got the answers we wanted.

The One With All The Birthdays (Part 1) The One With All The Birthdays (Part 2)
Finally everyone understands why I hate my own birthday. A selection of the worst birthday’s I’ve had to endure.

A Normal Day in South Africa..
The day I got hijacked and lost the last remaining iota of love and respect I had for this country I’m stuck in. I have not been the same since.

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So that’s it…after 100 blogs, I’ve picked out the best of the best. Did I leave of anything you would of liked to have seen here? My book will expand on so many of these topics, and fill in a lot of blanks i have deliberately left out in some stories. I hope you will continue to support my work, because I really do believe these are the blog that helped me define who I am as a writer, and for the first time…I’m excited and confident that this is what I am meant to do with my life.

Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 2: The Weird, Whacky And Wise!

February 24, 2011

By the time this blog has been posted, I will have achieved an amazing personal milestone on Burgsworld of 75, 000 views! It’s something I’m very proud of. Sure, most people stumbled across this site by accident, but there are so many loyal readers I’m immensely honored to have visit here on a regular basis.

That’s why now felt like the right time do this retrospective blog.

Today’s “best of” features my best select of the weird and whacky blogs that provide not just the highest traffic to the site, but also helped people understand my humour and creativity. With mostly positive comments and feedback, these provide a true thumbs up collection.

Part 2: The Weird, Whacky And Wise!

The Burg List – 101 Things to Do Before I Expire

Everybody has a bucket list. I, naturally have a Burg List. From the awkwardly honest, to the crazy person goal, to the most outlandish of needs, this list personified what I want to do in life, and made a lot of people blush along the way. If you can help with any…you know where to find me.

The Man Crush

Responsibly for almost a third of my total hits, The Man Crush blog got a huge boost of traffic thanks to the controversies that surround the like of Adam Lambert and Kevin Smith’s airline fiasco. It was just the right blog up at the right time. One of the favourites amongst readers, even those guys who thought me just a tad gayer for writing it.

Seinfeld: The Lost Episode (Part 1)

I went through a phase of what like to call “pop-pseudo-reality”, where I took real life situations going on in my life at that time, and turn them into “fan fiction” pieces of writing around Pop culture.

Scrubs: The Lost Episode

Another beloved blog, that captured the magic of real life love troubles with the quirkiness of an episode of Scrubs.

24: The Lost Episode (based on actual events)

Never before has asking someone you like to the Christmas party been so life threatening. An akward situation turned into an episode of 24.

The Pact!

If we’re both single in 5 years….let’s reread this blog.

Dear Hawk Girl…

An open letter to a member of the Justice League of America? Or a declaration of love? Why should we have to choose.

There’s this guy who works at my BlockBusters…

There are few people I hate in this world…but the guy who works at my Blockbusters is at the very top of that list. Another fan favourite blog.

Dear New York…

An very personal letter to the REAL love of my life….

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Those are my picks for my quirkiest and more out there blogs…A bit of fantasy, a lot of humour but always 100% honest. Where there any blogs you feel I left off this list?

Lemme know!

Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 1: Rants & Opinions

February 23, 2011

My original plan for my 100th blog was going to be a retrospect of my 10 favourite blogs over the last two years.

That failed to happen for a number of reasons, mainly that I couldn’t choose between so many important blogs, but the idea sorta evolved, and whilst I’m working on the draft for my book, I realized that my blogs could easily be used to tell my “story”.

What I’d like to share you now is a retrospective of what I’ve written, how the blogs came about, what the aftershocks were and a few other fun facts.

They are not in any sort of chronological order, but will be something that will benefit new readers to my blog who don’t know where to start, as well as those who maybe missed something, or would like to revisit a blog they last read ages ago.

This will be a three part retrospective piece broken into different “categories” for lack of a better term

I proudly present to you – Burgsworld: The Essential Collection.

Part 1: Rants & Opinions columns

You know what I Hate? (The 3rd in a series)

I’ve always had a phobia about public toilets, and a severe case of “stage fright”, combined it made a perfect entry into my You Know What I Hate Series.


You know what I hate…(the 2nd in a series)

Driving on our roads is dangerous enough, but through in our street vendors and you have a new entry into this series.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Am I gay? Or just a nice guy? Throw in a strip club story and I’ll tell you…

Did I ever tell you about…
Ever heard the same story one too many times? I have…

Me & My Mug – A Love Story
The blog that made me a global phenomenon, got featured on the WordPress homepage, and turning me into the third fastest growing blog on WordPress, Ladies and Gentlemen – the blog you want to be turned into a movie.

Movies Ruined My View On Life
I hate movies, but only because I love them.

10 Reasons I Hate Going to The Movie Theatre-Slash-Cinema
There are many reasons I avoid going to the cinema, but you only need to know 10.


Alexander Graham Bell Ruined My Life

I hate the telephone, and now you know why.

Five Rules To Surviving An Office Kitchen
Another one of those blogs that everyone can related to. Yet nobody seems to do anything about.

5 Reasons I hate South Africa & South Africans
This is the blog that almost turned me off writing forever. In fact no blog has stirred up as much emotion, hatred and debate as much as this piece, which is ironic as I still haven’t actually finished it. The comments continue on a daily basis.

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So that’s Part 1, What do you all think? Any favourites? Any blog you feel should be revisted or expanded upon?

Rich Burg, Poor Burg: A story about Money

February 21, 2011

I’ve toyed around with writing this particular blog so many times over the last few years -approaching it from more ways than a multi-angle porno flick. Yet no matter which way I wrote it, I came off looking bad…(no I’m not still using the porno flick reference)

Maybe now that I’ve finally blown the roof of the many skeletons in my closet with some of my more revealing blogs, it feels ok to talk about it.

There’s one thing that can come between any two people. No matter how close you think you are. Family, friends, or even just acquaintances.

That one thing is…Money.

There is the long version of my story, and the short version. This blog will cover somewhere in between.

You know as kid, despite the hell at home, I pretty much got what I wanted (within reason), I was by no means spoilt, by my folks didn’t let me go without.

I always sorta felt it was a decent trade off for the beatings and belittling. I twisted sense of acceptance I’m sure.

When my dad died in 1991, my mom tried to make sure my brother and I never went without. We earned pocket money by doing chores, but of course if we didn’t spend that money on gifts around Mother’s Day, birthdays and Xmas we heard all about our ungratefulness.

When my brother died a year later, by default I fell under the haze of the “only child syndrome”, I was treated often and of course put under increasingly more pressure to be grateful for what I was given in life, despite the glaring contradictions of what was taken away from me.

My mom always put me first when it came to spending, and from toys to VHS movies, she made sure my heart didn’t break too often, plus back then I was a bit of a crier for stuff I wanted. Which, was a fine line of course, because if I went too overboard, I GOT something to cry about…

I got pocket money all the way up till my last year in High School, but by December of that year I started working (and of course you know that journey thanks to my previous two blogs.)

For the first time I was able to earn money to spend on myself, which was great. When you get a certain kind of independence, you tend to see how far you can push the boundaries. I got a credit card pretty easily…and a second one even easier. For the first few years of my working life, I learned the art of rotating credit. You know, maxing out your cards, then paying it back with your salary.

I didn’t care too much, because my mom had a decent savings, no thanks us getting screwed over from my dad’s death payout, but it was decent money, we always had food, and debts were always paid.

As time went on, I wanted more and was earning more. Those who know me well know how much I loved spending loads of money on dvds and things I collected.

I never like to save. Rainy day? What was that? I had seen the worst of life, so it was never something to be concerned about.

Of course, fate stepped in.

When my mom and I both lost our jobs in the space of a month back in 2004, income stopped immediately, and with no “credit” to rotate, debts began mounting up.

What followed, was Hell.

My mom never worked again, and I went from low paying job to low paying job.

I learned the hard way. I ended up having to sell almost everything I owned. From my 1500 strong dvd collection (at bargain basement prices) to my beloved Playstation, and of course that little thing called an “automobile”.

With the interest on debts racking up, the next thing to take a hit was – groceries, mainly food.

Riddled with guilt from never saving, this became my problem to fix.

The finances were bad. Really bad.

I begged and borrowed from friends and family where I could, just to get enough for us to eat. Some days, someone would offer me R50. Not realizing how bad my situation, they of course thought this was enough, and I had to act nonchalant, but thankful about it.

There is a scene in the move The Pursuit of Happyness, where Will Smith’s boss asks him for 10 bucks for the cab, and Will gives him his ONLY 10 bucks and tries to act like its no big deal…but in the mean time he is panicking how his kid and him will eat. That’s exactly how bad it was.

We once had a stale ice cream cones for dinner. Crying from both the hunger and anger towards each other.

I used to get stuck without petrol way too often. Sometimes begging friends to just transfer R20 bucks into my account, and I’d pay them back in the morning. Which of course meant a trip to cash convertors the next day to sell something of value for peanuts.

There were days I was dying of thirst and just wanted a can of soda from the shop, but just couldn’t afford it.

One time I had to attend a function for work which was a launch in some convention centre in the bush. I drove all the way there…fully aware I only had enough fuel to get there. I’d have to worry about getting home after work was done. I didn’t have the heart or guts to ask anyone at the function. When I left I made it as far as the dodgy gas station at midnight, where I had to ask two taxi drivers for R10 each. They gave it to me.

5 years ago, come pay day, every month end I would have to sit at the office until midnight, so that when my salary came through at that time, I could stop at the gas station on the way home and bring home pies for dinner.

I have so many of these stories. Too many, but through the course of 6 years, I learned the value of money.

No. Let me rephrase that, and this is the part were I will look bad.

I learned to hate money. Both having it, and not having it.

I never went out, I never socialized. I simple couldn’t afford to. I had to consider what shopping centre I went to, in case I had to pay for parking.

I’ve ruined friendship by having to lend money to survive, and I regret that so much. I was in such a haze of debt and survival, I ruined the one thing that meant more to me than anything else in this world. My word.

Through hard work, and way too much suffering, I have built myself up, both financially and confidence wise. I gave up my life to fix up our life. And these last 2 years have been better than ever. Sure, I still have the unexpected expense, but I have a good job and people who care, which makes it easier now.

To those who helped me through the tough times. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Every cent made a difference in my life.

Of course there will now be those who say I haven’t learned my lesson and headed for a fall again. But let me clear that up right now.

In the last year my love for Poker has grown, and with that, I have gotten god. Real good. I’ve been able to win. Win big…regularly
.
I make no bones about. I used to spend way too much money on “gambling” when it would have been best served elsewhere. I made mistakes in thinking that would be the quick fix to sort out all my problems, which certainly delayed my recovery by a year or so.

When I started to win big I did the right thing. I paid off every single debt I had, I invested money, I put money in the safe. Heck, I even bought a second fridge and I make sure both are stocked up.

I may still spend way, waaaaaaay, too much on my dvds, but I feel I’ve earned that. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t go out often, so for me, that’s what I love to do.

Last year alone I won over 400k. Of course I would like to have take this money and run, we all know I’m making plans to leave the country for good, but used that money to give my mom and I a better life. A life we deserved, and life I felt responsible for taking away from us. (of course my deep rooted fear of inadequacies refuses to let me believe there were two people who could of made things better, quicker).

Now at the age of 32, I am debt free, and don’t have any commitments. I haven’t needed a pay day for the last 3 months – but its still welcome.

It’s a weird feeling, and a little scary, but it does also put perspective on your life.

I’m trying to repair relationships with those I love and miss in my life. Some are willing, other’s are not, but that’s ok. I understand. I was not an easy guy to be around, I was a desperate man who just wanted to take care of his family.

This clarity unfortunately also highlights how lonely I am in this world now. I got used to being alone., but the lonely part is what kills me.

I don’t want money…at all, I would rather spend it on other people. The bitter irony now, is that I have all this money and nobody to spend it on.

Maybe it’s a guilt thing that I feel I need to pay back the world?

How To Leave A Job – The Burg Way (Part 2)

February 17, 2011

When we last left our hero, he was wallowing in unemployment for around 8 months in 2004. The odd job here and there, (working as extras on well known TV shows and adverts) but nothing permanent and certainly nothing that brought in nearly enough money to survive. Remember the stale ice cream cones for dinner period? Well, the journey was certainly epic, but a change of career was on the horizon.

After getting booted out of a career in IT, I took this time to really go for what I wanted, I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to be in media and most certainly I wanted The Burg to truly become a brand.

I lost a lot of friends during this period as my resistance to starting from the bottom working in a call centre ever again was met with criticism and anger.

I begged, borrowed and sold to survive, repercussion of which I still feel today.

During mid 2004 I worked on a reality show and met some important people who helped me show my worth. It was a contract job that allowed me to be a writer for a website. (In my interview, when asked how much I was looking for, I replied “I would even work for a bucket of chicken”…this got me the job). For 3 months I lived the dream, I was writing, I got “The Burg” attention, I developed a character – who was pretty much an extension of myself, I got massive exposure, I was on TV and eventually when the 3 months was up I had succeeded in making a name for myself.

I was offered a role as a weekly TV show presenter for text to TV chat show, which I embraced, and despite what may come out later in this blog – will always truly be thankful and appreciative for the gentleman who gave me this opportunity and effective stated the ball rolling on “The Burg” that you all know and love today. (or love to hate).

Come the close of 2004 I was desperate for more permanent work. Things at home were at there worst, I had debtors knocking on my door, even cars parked outside my house waiting to serve me with summons for accounts. I had to do something.

I made the heartbreaking decision to give up the dream and go back to IT.

Another Call centre…I forget the name anyways -> Beat Magazine (Circa 2005)

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An old friend of mind (who put up with a lot of miserable crappola from me), organized an interview for me with the company that was essentially the evolution of my first job at Micon. I got the job. Duh. Even being way over qualified, I started at the bottom and committed myself to the job, even though my heart was never, and would never, be in it.

A few weeks later I got the break I had been looking for, a position with Beat magazine, SA’s newest entertainment gossip magazine had opened up. I organized an interview for late in the day so I could shoot through after my call centre job and interview for it. The interview went OK, and for once my nerves and desperation probably got the better of me.

A few days later I got the call from Beat magazine. I didn’t get the position I applied for. I was crushed. For a few seconds at least, because during the conversation I was offered another role – that of a TV writer for the magazine. DREAM JOB ALERT! I accepted without hesitation, and the only problem was they wanted me to start the next day. Uh oh…tricky.

The next day I explained what had happened to my old friend and boss, and thanked him for what he did for me and explained this was what I had been working for my whole life. I knew he understood, but was disappointed that I had let him down after he went to bat for me. The company insisted that I work my 30 days notice first…and being a 24 hour call centre I cleverly organized to work grave yard shift. So basically I worked grave yard shift, raced home at about 7am, freshened up and went to my new job at Beat Magazine. Put in a full day of learning, when home, freshened up, and then went to my evening job at the call centre.

On top of this, I was still hosting a TV show twice a week, which thankfully both jobs allowed me to do. (of course neither job knew I was working for the other)

This lasted for a few weeks before they eventually allowed (read: asked) me to leave. Of course at this point I was a zombie, but living the dream.

Beat -> Always Look Up/ N-Net (Circa 2006)
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Officially starting in February of 2005 I spent a wonderful year at Beat magazine, and it was by far the best year of my life. Despite increasing personal issues and playing catch up financially, I gave EVERYTHING to the job. I was happy career wise. I met so many people, made so many contacts and met the people who would shape my life.

After that year however, the reality that I needed more money played on my mind heavily.

Eventually my bosses from the TV show made me an offer to come on board permanently, and while the financial offer they made me was never great, it was enough not want to turn down (plus it was more than that bucket of chicken I never got). Plus I always felt I owed them for giving me my start. I had clashed with one of the bosses fairly often during my time on the reality show and the TV show, and I always worried that this would be magnified if I worked permanently with him.

I explained this to my boss at Beat magazine and said I didn’t want to leave, but I just couldn’t say no to the money. To their credit Beat magazine tried to put together a counter offer, which simply wasn’t enough. With tears flowing I turned it down and handed in my resignation…

It broke my heart to leave Beat, and its one the biggest regrets I have in my life, but it was a necessary action to get me where I am today.

My farewell email is considered EPIC, and is completely honest and heartfelt.. I’d like to share it with you, if I may. (excuse the horrendous spelling and grammar…i was young)

Always Look Up/ N-net-> Pony Music Circa (2006…also)
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I joined the company on a full time basis in March of 2006.

The first few days were great! I was treated with respect; I had a nice reputation with my coworkers because of “The Burg” and all he had accomplished. But soon enough things changed.

What followed was the worst 6 months of my life.

Essentially I had three bosses.

One who truly believed in me and the potential of The Burg as a character, and I would work for/with him again in a heartbeat.

One who had all my respect and while firm with me, allowed me many opportunities.

The third, became the man I clashed with on a near daily basis. Perhaps some justified, and some just purely ridiculous.

Once I wore track pants to work. I got pulled aside and told I was being disrespectful and hadn’t earned the right to wear track suit pants to work and to never do it again.

Another time I got up to got to the vending machine…my boss ran after me and told me that can’t I see everyone else is plugging away working hard and I should do the same.

A third time, after a miscommunication in an email I was dragged out into the courtyard and humiliated, sworn at and lambasted. I later got an apology. But by then I was seen as the rebel. The one guy who stood up to the powers that be. I never did this deliberately, it just sorta came with “being me”

I was eventually suspended from my TV show due to a few mistakes of letting certain messages deemed “inappropriate” on air. Of course this was likely just a way of working me off air. It was ok though, while I loved what I did I at peace that I had done all I could with the show, and was happy for someone else to get the chance.

When I was given creative freedom, I shined, but ultimately I was held on a leash and used as example for anyone who tried to be an individual – which I was and always will be.

After handing in my resignation (for a second time in six months), I was told that I would never make it out there without them.

On a side note, during my time with Beat magazine, I had made friends with a famous local idols judge who worked for a music company. At the end of one of the Idols competitions, I wrote him a letter saying “I will work for you one day”. During my time at Never Look Up, he contacted me and said there was something opening up he thought I would be perfect for, nothing however had been finalized until two weeks into my resignation period, so I took a massive chance by quitting my job after only 6 months.

My resignation was kept quiet for a while, and eventually I was told they needed the space and I was welcome to work my last month from home.

The funniest/saddest story out of all this, and I’m sure this may upset a lot of people for revealing this, but on my last Friday there, me and a few of my close allies wondered if there would be farewell drinks for me. Well, thanks to some ingenious trickery and computer hacking, we were able to find out more than we should of. There were indeed drinks for me, except I wasn’t invited. The email was sent to a few key people who would be meeting up after work, I just happened to have been excluded on that list. A final slap in the face after 6 months of regret.

So after being told that I would never make it out there without them, the very next day after being told I could work from home…I started at Pony Music.

The Here and Now (Circa 2011)
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I have now been here for 5 years, and will NEVER leave for another local company.
My time here has saved my life, its allowed me to fix my personal problems, recover from my financial woes, and even given me the freedom to film a few movies on the side. I found a home within Pony Music.

The day I leave here will be for overseas. Which you all know is what I’m pushing for big time now, and I do very much see this as my final here.

But this decade plus long journey has had its ups and downs, its bad decisions and good.
I have made and lost many friends.

In the end however…this is all the journey to where i am meant to be…

How To Leave a Job – The Burg way…(Part 1)

February 16, 2011

I’ve had many…many…MANY jobs in my years…about 11 or so, and I’ve been “lucky” enough to experience most every sort of leaving situation you can get in the work place.

I’ve quit.
I’ve been retrenched
I’ve been fired
(I’ve been suspended)
And I’ve been poached by other companies.

Leaving a job, is a real moment of truth.
Everything you’ve done over the years for the company is forgotten as it comes down to those last few days you spend there, and ultimately, how you leave.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do what you all think I’m gonna do, which is, you know, FLIP OUT!

Suffice to say…I’ve left some jobs just as dramatically as I entered them.

If I may, I’d like to share a few stories with you. So gather around with your hot chocolate (yes, in this heat), and pull the kids closer…close enough to hug when they get scared, and of course remember, I’m the hero…so nothing bad will happen to me…in the end.

Of course, in the interest of avoiding law suits and angry stripper-grams, I’ve change the names of my former employers to protect the innocent.

Micon -> Mintekom/Melkom Internet (circa 2000)
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Working at Micon Internet was my first job in the real world, and what an experience it was. From faking my way through the job interview (which was to become not just a trend, but a bona fide skill), I worked my way up the ranks of the call centre fairly quickly, even picking up two employee of the month titles during my near 2 year stay here. Everything was going swimmingly until it was announced that out division had been acquired by another company and we were going to be moving to their new offices later on where there was a different protocol there. In other words, I was not going to be allowed to wear my man-jewelry and off beat clothing. Almost instantly alarms bells went off in my head. After making sure this wasn’t a tumor, I realized that it was indeed time to seek my riches elsewhere. After all, I was the kind of guy who would step out at lunch time and come back with a brand new eyebrow ring…and blood streaming down the side of my face. My manager was kind enough to clean me up. I had a little crush on her.

A colleague, who had left shortly before me and recommended that I join him at his current employer where you could “smoke at your desk!”, being a non smoker this meant nothing to me. But I set up an interview anyways. Of course I got the job. Duh. Shortly afterwards I handed in my resignation at Micon.

The day I did that though, I was seen at the traitor, the black sheep…I sold out dammit…I was giving up a long term future to go where I could inhale secondary smoke 8 hours a day! I was excluded from many things during the preparation for the buyout, and was eventually allowed to leave before my notice period was up. I supposed this ensured them that I didn’t steal any company secrets for the competition.

So I left with neither a whimper nor a bang…but I did take a colleague with me. Remember that Maul? (yes his name was changed too)

Mintekom/Melkom Internet-> Nicrosoft Support Desk (Circa 2002)
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We started at Mintekom/Melkom internet in the Summer of 2002, and it was the summer we would always remember….gosh, sorry, wrong story.

My friend Maul and I started at this new helpdesk eager to please and prove our worth. However within our first few days, we had the feeling of “we’ve made a huge mistake”, in fact, during our first few weeks we accidentally sent out a email to conversation the entire company about how much we hated it there. BIG mistake…although I still think it was sabotage!

A warning later and we knuckled down and made a pretty decent career for ourselves there.

Maul moved into the system admin side of things and I after being screwed over for a team leader position, got a nifty little position of “trainer” created for me. It was an AWESOME position; and I got to train staff – which if you’ve ever been in a training session with me…is fun and educational. I loved the job, I really did. Of course this meant something was going to go wrong.

Once again our division was bought out. Retrenchments were looming and I was one of the first one the chopping block. There was no avoiding it. The management not wanting to lose me, hired me back as a normal call centre agent. This sucked beyond compare, and soon the feet were itching….

I had been chatting to a friend on ICQ during my time at Mintekom, and in-between flirting with her –and 50 other contacts, I had mentioned my job situation. (ICQ is an old chat program in case the kids have stopped you to ask what this is)

She contacted me a few weeks later and said the Nicrosoft helpdesk was looking to hire a new agent. I thought wow…Nicrosoft…that’s the big leagues! A fluffed up CV, and a “sick day” later, I was in the interview room, where I once again chaaaaaarmed my interviewer. I got the job. Duh!


Nicrosoft Support Desk -> Umemployment (Circa 2004)

—————————————————————-

I handed in my notice at Mintekom and waited out my time. I turned my last day into a game of Survivor, and forced everyone to vote me out the office. Of course everyone was seemingly busy, and didn’t have time to play my silly games. But at least I would see that at my after work farewell drinks. Come one come all!!….come anyone? I think the turnout was about 3 people, one of which was a new guy I didn’t even know. My boss who was one of my better friends in life at the time didn’t turn up. A few weeks later though he did get hold of me and apologize for the way he acted and invited me to lunch. I think I had the beef.

My first day at Nicrosft was memorable. Ask anyone what I wore and they would probably tell you. I had my long black coat, piercings and a killer smile. Soon thereafter I was asked to stop wearing my earings. F#*!.

This was to be a sign of times ahead. Right off the bat, let me say the first person I sat with on my first day is someone who I to this day consider my best friend, so it wasn’t all bad.

As time went on, the usual changes came and went, we moved buildings (more times than I can remember), our holding company changed (more times than I can remember), and my manager changed – just the once was enough to shape the rest of my destiny.

I faked knowing what I was doing for over 2 years, a record for me, and even managing to pick up the “best team” award for our service and stats….i still have trophy hah!

As some of you have come to realize I speak my mind. I speak up against oppression and I tell the truth. Some managers, read manager, didn’t like this. A few months of back and forth arguing and complaints between the two of us eventually led to showdown!

Of course, this was on his turf, and I got screwed over like no man in the history of screwing has ever been screwed before.

In a disciplinary hearing I was fired, told to leave immediately, by the time I got back to my desk, I was locked out my pc and couldn’t even send out a goodbye email. Which for the record I am king of. I write goodbye emails like no man in the history of goodbye emails will ever be able to do.

This however backfired on them. Because the worst was yet to come. I took some time, collected my thoughts, and proceeded to write the biggest expose on the people I despised and who had stabbed me in the back, and proceeded to “send to all” the next day. Of course they tried to open a case against me, but I had changed all names and places so there was nothing the could do, but cringe from embarrassment.

Let it be know, I don’t just burn bridges. I burn the bridges, the entire village, the neighboring town, and uncle’s joe’s farm in the next state.

The article was called was “and i don’t agree with that in the workplace”, and it was legendary. Ask around.

That led to my extended period of unemployment…
Much more to come…including the greatest farewell email of all time written by me)

My 100th Blog post: XoXoXo – My Feelings on Hugs & Kisses

February 10, 2011

As promised, this is a follow on blog to my recent dating dilemmas.

It was initially going to be posted as an amendment to my 99th blog post, but after writing it, it has all the qualities of a post worthy of being my 100th blog post.

One of the key things, especially in the process of any sort of budding romance is not just the ability to know when to make a move, but also how to read the outcomes of those moves.

It could be a simple hug, holding hands, touching of an arm, or even you are advanced enough a kiss of some sort.

All things I am very unfamiliar to. Let me explain why.

I come across to most people as a not a very physically affectionate kind of guy. Which, to a point is true, the reality however, is that affection is something I crave more than anything in this world.

Hugs
——–

I’m not really a hugger. Not because it’s invading my space or anything like that, but all my memories of hugs are solely based on being a kid, and having to endure endless embraces at funeral of my dad and brother growing up. From complete strangers, to family member you would rather avoid, for months (and years), I was forced to associated these’s crushing squeezes as a sign of sympathy, with the words of “everything is going to be alright”, which is was clearly NOT going to be. I never really got caring hugs from my mom either, and if I did it was normally after a huge fight which after apologies was a sign that we had move passed that argument (until the next one).

Now as an adult, I find myself mystified by the simple process of a hug. I generally don’t hug and kiss people on their birthdays, or as congratulatory show of affection. It’s very rare that I will huge people in greeting. With the odd exception of a friend I haven’t seen in years. However even then, I’m almost to the point of panic. Some are easy to get away with as there’s never much more behind it than a “hello”, but its pure torture with someone I’m really interested in.

A case in point is a friend I saw a few days ago after a long long time. Our greeting hug was slightly awkward, naturally as we hadn’t really seen each other in person for an age. However, the goodbye hug was so different; it was a strong caring hug that has all the feelings of a friendship renewed. The truth is, I didn’t want to let go, as I never get these sort of hugs. It meant something bigger to me. Yet for her, I’m sure it’s the kind of hug she gives all her friends, but for that brief embrace, it was just the two of us.

Holding Hands
——————-

There are few things in this world that make me jealous, however seeing a couple holding hands can at times reduce me to tears. It’s the simplest form of affection between a guy and girl (yes, depending on your sexual preference) and yet something I may never really feel.

A few years ago, I went out with a girl who is was dead keen on, and the evening ended with us walking out the restaurant and she out of her own held my hand. (I think she had some wine, so that clearly worked in my favour). The electricity that flowed through me at that exact moment is something I will always remember. We went out several times after that, and nothing ever progressed further than the holding hands stage before things fell apart. But each and every time we held hands…I felt, for lack of a better word, human.

For me, this is probably the best “sign” that a girl is interested in me, so please, if we ever go out, and you are interested in me…take my hand, I’ll do the rest.

Kissing
———

Eeeew kissing spreads cooties.

Just joking…kissing is obviously the most intimate of all things, and even hookers would agree.

When it comes to casual hello kissed, or birthday wishes, I tend to always awkwardly miss the person’s cheek and almost kiss her ear, or mercifully fresh air (that at least makes me feel European). On my own birthday, I am almost always armed with a strategically held cup of hot coffee to avoid anyone coming in for the kiss.

My kiss tally for the last 10 years is probably around the 4 or 5 people mark. One was for a movie role, so that doesn’t count.

I like to consider myself a good kisser, and the world leader in pecks on the cheek. The reason for this is because when I do kiss, its filled with passion and emotion unlike anyone you may ever meet. You WILL go weak at the knees, and that’s a guarantee.

When I see a girl I’m attracted to, I almost never think about what it would be like to “get her in the sack”, or what she looks like nekkid, but I do undoubtedly think what it would be like to kiss her…because THAT’S where the magic is.

Of course, this blog succeeds most in telling the world what a loser I am when it comes to women, and highlights my immaturity when it comes to love and relationships, but hey, I’ve made myself look worse right?

All these small moments in life, are what so many people take for granted in their relationships, and at the risk of sounding preachy, I really don’t think they understand why they are so lucky, and this is why most relationships are over so quickly (of course they just move onto the next person).

What I’m really trying to say with all this is, that all I really want out of love and life is to feel.
To feel loved,
To feel close,
To feel wanted
and maybe… every once in a while to feel some boobies.

“Hey didn’t I see you out with a hot girl last night…?”

February 10, 2011

This is my 99th blog on this site, and while I’ve actually been blogging for over 13 years now, I think it’s a safe bet to say none of my previous diary/blog sites have been anywhere as close to this one in terms of popularity. I thank you the readers for that.

What’s kept my views soaring is my honesty. Or so I like to believe. I’ve revealed so much on these blogs with you all, and for this 99th entry, I will do what I always do. Speak the very uncomfortable truth.

So I went out last night, and unless you’ve been living under a rock, you would have known that I was going out with a girl I liked, to movies.

The big debate was as to if this was it fact a date.

Looking at it now a day later, I guess the honest answer is – no. It was just two friends going to movies….story of my life eh?

I’d like to share the build up to the evening and the problems I have with myself that may forever prevent me from ever being more than a friend to someone.

I had a massively busy day yesterday, which thankfully kept my mind from over thinking that I was going to see said girl later in the evening. Which I tend to do – over thinking is what I’m known for. I get so worked up if I’m going out with a girl that I actually feel sick to my stomach. The tension becomes so great that the noises that come from my stomach could signal an air raid if we were a small town in World War II.

The day progressed fairly quickly, but as the afternoon approached the paranoia set in. Every time a text message came in on my phone, I feared the worst. CANCELLED!…but instead it was just a Facebook notification of one of you lot’s sarcastic comments on my status messages.

Eventually I got a text in the late afternoon from said girl confirming time and place….and unusual event in my life.

I killed time at work as the meeting place was just down the road. Brushed my teeth a few times, chewed about 6 sticks of gum, and tried to wet my hair enough to make it look like it had a “style”.

Eventually the time approached. I arrived at the mall. Parked…got out, realized it was still 15 minutes before our meeting time…then got back in and moved my car closer to the entrance…which helped eat up at least 7 more seconds.

I went up to the cinema, only to realize that the movie we wanted to see wasn’t showing there. The natural reaction of course was “I’m at the wrong shopping centre!”

I quickly texted her and she called me back to say she was there too. So I went down the escalator to meet her just outside the book store (by the way, any girl who can be found in a book store is my kinda girl), as I rode the moving stairs I saw her in the distance. My god she was beautiful.

Of course everything became slow motion at that point and I swear I could hear the song “dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, Mr Sandman…..bring me a dream, make her the cutest I’ve ever seen.”

An awkward hug later and we proceeded to determine what happened to the movie that we could of sworn was showing here. Anyways, long story short, it was showing at the art cinema further down the way in the centre.

We arrived there and I confidently asked for “2 tickets for Black Swan please!”

Unfortunately…there we only 2 tickets left…and they were RIGHT in the front row. She didn’t seem to mind, and I fell into the lame guy joke trap of “at least we’ll see if before everyone else”…which as you know is listed as a reason I hate going to the cinema in a previous blog.

Of course it was awkward visually…and being a vertigo sufferer…it was making me rather ill, especially as I had to try split my view between this giant close up screen and keeping and eye on her for any sort of comforting smile.

While the movie was brilliant and gripping, it had its moments of awkwardness, such as having to watch Mila Kunis go down on Natalie Portman and not being able to react in a manner befitting of such a momentous man law occasion. Instead having the screen basically pressed up against my nose whole trying to act casual with a hot girl next to me.

When the movie ended, there was a stunned silence from the audience and those who spoke spoke only of Natalie’s “ballet feet”.

We left and proceeded to leave the cinema, I threw out a few hints about getting something to eat, which were met with “I so rarely leave a movie feeling like I don’t have an appetite, but this is one such occasion”…ok that was as good a hint as any.

Assumedly we began walking to our cars, where the nail was firmly knocked into the coffin with one of those inappropriate guys who walk around trying to sell flowers to couples. His offer was “20 bucks for the whole lot”, her natural reaction was to say no thanks, before I could even make an attempt to buy her a flower.

We paid our parking fees, and ended of with a hug (not as awkward as the meeting one), and I walked back to my car.

As I sat alone at McDonalds eating a burger, I couldn’t help but think to myself…

“Man..20 bucks for those flowers was a damn good deal.”

So that was my night out, which some of you referred to as a date. I would like to elaborate on a certain topic a bit more that I feel is my major downfall when it comes to the opposite sex…regarding intimacy and affection such has hugging and holding hands, so check back later and I’ll amend this blog.

The Dating Dilemma – An Anatomy of My Love Life

February 8, 2011

I’ve always considered myself a pretty good date.

A charming and witty conversationalist, respectful, flirty at the right moments, very good at avoiding staring at your boobs and seemingly the best good luck charm a gal could ask for.

Remember that movie Good Luck Chuck? Well, it’s quite possible that is based on me.

There are two kinds of girls I date.

The first kind is the girl who has such a good time with me, that a week or two later I find out they are actually back with their ex, or with the new love of their live. This, of course, would explain why they never replied to my text messages or emails the day after we went out. If I had a dime for every time this happened I could quite possibly have enough cash to buy an illegal green card.

I’ve done the dinner and/or movie thing with a fair number of girls over the years, and in fact a lot of you are probably reading this right now (especially if you found your way here via my Facebook profile) and remember that time you and I went out. We had a pretty darn good time, and of course when I tried to request a follow up “meeting” there was always something going on and before long you were in another relationship and didn’t wanna ruin our friendship. This of course made our friendship tense for a while, until you broke up with whoever you with, then we spoke again, until you met the next in a long line of “loves of your life”.

More often than not I’ve been told I’m too intense. Amazing considering I never once made a move, or offered you a ring on our first and only date. Hey, I can take a hint, I’m a pretty smart guy, but I just wish people would stop making lousy excuses like that.

Heck I can’t even bring a girl back to my place for dinner or “dancing” (My mom wouldn’t wanna miss her crime stories.)

The second kind of girl I date is the kind of girl who doesn’t know she’s on a date with me.

These are the weirdest most awkward evenings. To my own downfall, I have always been better friends with girls than guys, and therefore get shoved into the friend’s zone by default and spend the next few months (or years, depending on the size of my obsession).

Whilst I have “hung out” with a lot of the female friends, there is nothing worse than asking a girl out only to find out she thinks its as friends…and you have to play along with the ruse the entire evening. It’s heartbreaking! Let me tell you. The minute she starts asking for advice on the guy she fancies…everything turns to slow motion, and it becomes the longest night of your life.

I haven’t been on anything close to a date for a few years now, and if I have, I’d love for the person to let me know it was an actual date, because I think at this stage of my life I can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Anyways. Let’s fast forward to the here and now.

Yes. I am currently interested in someone (and yes that could mean plural). I’ll talk about one as I know she in all likelihood doesn’t read my blog so I can get away with being completely honest and not making a fool of myself.

I’ve asked her out to movies this week…tomorrow night in fact. She said yes almost instantly, which is a rare enough for me to just die happy now, but of course, she probably sees it as friends.

Is she single? Yes, I as far as I know. Is she interested in someone else? Probably. They always are right? Does she know how I feel about her? I haven’t the foggiest. I like her, I like her a lot actually…she checks all the boxes I am looking for in a girl, and more importantly she fits perfectly into the bigger picture of my life. I’ve known her for years now, and we are only just rediscovering our friendship. I fear that’s all it would be though.
Friendship.
I’ve made the mistake too many times in the past of revealing my feelings to someone, so I won’t be doing that anytime soon…unless she happens across this blog in the next 24 hours, in which case movies tomorrow night is clearly off.

Right now I’d rather risk her never knowing just to spend time with her, than to tell her I’m interested in anything more and scaring her away for a number of years.

So that’s my dilemma. I consider her my date for tomorrow. I consider her my date for a wedding she’s agreed to go to with me, and I consider her my date for New York City.

But I guess to her…I’m just this awesome friend she knows.

Are there any clues so that I know she feels like she’s on a date too? I mean other than if I’m making her breakfast in the morning…and we’re having waffles!

Back then we called it Charming. Today they call it Stalking

February 7, 2011

I’ve always had a…shall we call it, a special talent.

Since I was young I always been very smart.

Ok ok, so it’s not quite the big reveal you were expecting, but nonetheless, I’ve always been able to find out what I wanted to, or simply been smart enough know how to get the answers I needed.

Now way before the days of the internet, this meant a lot more when it came to romance.

If you were interested in a girl, you went to great lengths to try and find out her phone number or where she lived, what her hobbies were, or where you were likely to “bump into her”. It was all in good spirit and showed a genuine interest.

In our younger days, it was all somewhat charming, and I think we lived in a different time where nothing was really considered creepy, or underhanded. I still remember some of the great ways I managed to find out and remember things. (im sure my old friend Russell will smile to himself thinking about “tosso” or 2070)

I miss those days.

Anyways, as the world changed, and we were introduced to things like the internet, google, and catch 22’s such as Facebook, the charming appeal of going to great lengths to show your interest in a girl quickly became easier….far too easy in fact. To the point where everything you needed to know was RIGHT THERE. Where she lived, worked, and hung out.

This has made life a bit harder for people like me, as we’re sorta stuck between two worlds.

I enjoy the old school “chase” when it comes to a girl. Now everything comes too quickly, and it scares people off, creeps then out, and earns you “blocked” status.

Another thing I was always good at (brilliant in fact), was being able to bring people into my life.

Let me explain that a bit more.

If I saw a girl in a crowd, on TV, in a magazine, or even a random picture in someone’s office, and there was an immediate attraction from my end, I was always able to find out who they are, and change my destiny in order to meet up with them or get in contact somehow.

As a result of this, I’ve made a lot of good friends (and scared off some “famous people”). If you’re a hot girl and we’re friends, there’s probably a good chance we met under pretty random circumstances….but believe you me; a lot of effort went into making sure the stars aligned for that random meeting.

Now, if I happen to stumble across someone who catches my eye, it’s a simple “Add as friend”, and within hours, you’re already at risk of being considered a freak. Even more so if you’re honest.

Today’s youth may read this blog and think that this is all “stalker like”, and maybe it is. Maybe I was just ahead of my time when it came to stalking.

I guess the difference to me in the end, was that everything was always so fleeting. There was always a hope there may be something more there, but nothing ever lead to more, so few people are willing to take chances in life, that they want everything done so by the book before they believe it could be something special.

As for me, I was just born in the wrong time…