Archive for June, 2011

Happy Anniversary! (well. except for the happy part)

June 30, 2011

Anniversary is generally a term that’s used for celebration or a not so subtle reminder that an expensive gift is due. For people like me, the word is used several times a year for a more forlorn purpose.

I always hit a major funk during this second quarter of the year, in fact May, June and July in particular are heavy going.

In May it’s the anniversary of my brother’s death.
In June it’s my late dad’s birthday, and the anniversary of my cousin’s death.
In July it’s my brother’s birthday, and on the exact same day, the anniversary of my Gran’s death.

Sure there are more deaths and anniversaries spread out across the rest of the year, but for these three months, the world seems like one long cruel joke.

It seemingly gets more difficult as the years pass, I think particular because milestones start hitting.

Things like people being dead for longer than you knew them alive for. That’s always a hard one.

Sometimes for a split second I forget what my dad looks like, and that hurts a lot, of course I’ll never actually forget what he looks like, but for that brief moment I’m angry with myself.

I miss my Gran tremendously. She was always the rock that kept the extended family together. In truth I don’t really feel like I have any family anymore, apart from my mom of course. It sad, but it’s a reality. I maybe see certain family members once every few years, but there are no longer family gatherings like there used to be back in the day. True, we’ve all grown up now…well…those of us that are left.

My cousin’s death was a strange one. Particularly based on what the family went through with my brother’s suicide. There are perhaps more unanswered questions to his death than with my brother’s. I will always be thankful that I got to spend time with my cousin in New York. We all know about my desire to get back there. Andre was the only guy who saw how happy I was there and that for me it was perfect contentment. Nobody else has ever seen me that way. I miss him so much because he truly supported my dream and was proud of all my achievements. I’ve never felt anyone else being that proud of me,

I’ve been into detail about my brother’s death before, so I won’t touch on that now, but what I will say is that my brother’s death is what has put my life into the situation it is now. Both good and bad. I’m angry with him and always will be, but I don’t blame him for what he did. I understand, and I do feel him got the better deal outta all this.

Anyways…I know we all have our share of bad days. I guess in this case, it’s just best to fake a smile and waves boys….

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When Did The World Become So Mean?

June 29, 2011

Anyone who’s never met me before would be mistaken for thinking I’m cold and uncaring towards the world.

It’s easy to understand why too. I rant and I rave on this blog and my social networks. I speak the truth (as I see it), and tend to not let anything that irritates me slide.

However, that is pretty much as far from the truth as you can get. I happen to care a great deal, about everything.

Therein lay the problem. I continued to put my faith into the world and the people in it and time and time again it let’s me down which makes me sadder and sadder.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a whiner. I just don’t have a problem vocalizing my hurt and frustrations…which has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit.

My question though, is when did the world become so mean?

Many weeks ago we had everyone stressing/mocking the event known as The Rapture. Whilst everyone had their own take on it, at the time I thought to myself – self…even though it’s complete and utter nonsense, I’d have actually be ok with the world ending (being cleansed).

I’m one of those guys who walk around looking at the world without blinkers on, which has major pitfalls of noticing the smallest of details.

Every day is filled with its share of disappointments sure, but was it always THIS bad? Perhaps. However, in my eyes I’ve noticed it getting worse and worse.

It’s the little things that hurt me the most.

People who making fleeting promises.
People who insult or bully others on a daily basis.
People who find it easier to swear or degrade others.
People who don’t admit their mistakes or take accountability for their actions.
People who lie, cheat, steal and laugh it off as a way of life.
People who immediately begin work on jokes and puns when someone dies.

I can tell when people are lying to me, and it hurts that they believe so much in their lies that they think they are convincing you.

There is so little honour left in the world. People’s word means nothing anymore. Yes, I was born in the wrong era, I’m well aware of that.

If you just sit back and watch the world around you, take note of how many acts of meanness you see. You’d be shocked. I know I am.

Anyways…this is just a random thought I’m having at the moment, but then again I think I might have tick bite fever again…I’ll come back to this blog when i have more coherent thoughts on the subject.

Burg vs God/Religion/Faith Round 1

June 21, 2011

Here’s a piece of information you may not know…

I say my prayers every night before I go to bed. I pray for my family to be kept safe. I pray for me to get through the next day. I even pray for a better world.

I’ve done this since I can remember…

It may surprise you considering what I am about go into detail about.

My thoughts on religion, faith, God and people.

God.
As a kid I went to Sunday school, and church. Admittedly it was begrudgingly so, I mean what kid wants to go to school on a Sunday after they’ve spent their entire week in the Learnatory.

We learned all about the Lord and being good people. We sang the songs, had the church fetes. The whole nine yards.

Then of course, coming home we dealt with the reality of parents fighting. My dad getting drunk, beating my mom and in return my mom taking it out on my brother and I.

Till the next week when we got to fake it all again.

Of course while I was aware that this was all bad and wrong, it became the norm, because this was the reality of life.

Then as most of you know by now, my dad died when I was 11, and of course my brother killed himself a year later.

So going to church for learning/celebrating was replaced by going to church to say goodbye to half my family – this lead to my first realization that the whole “God is good” school of thinking was not exactly accurate.

Throughout our grieving period we were constantly visited by church patrons who tried to help us get closer to God…because he was “testing us” and “had a plan”, and blah blah blah. Sure good in theory. But in reality my world was destroyed…twice in one year in fact.

I’ve read the entire Bible from beginning to end. Out loud. And it never made me feel better.

It’s a rude awakening for an 11yr old.

My relationship with God became immediately strained. I shouted at Him, I wept, I asked for forgiveness and to stop punishing me (for what I don’t know), and promised to be a better person. I would live my life as a good person.

What proceeded was more heartache, more tragedy, more death and more suffering.

Fast forward 20 years later.
I’m a good person. I put other’s first. I don’t drink, smoke, swear etc etc. I live my live more “Christian” than most Christians could ever hope for.

However. I am not Christian. I don’t believe God is the be all and end all that believers try and make you believe.

And that brings me to

Religion.
Growing up in a “white” school that was pretty much considered Christian, I never really experienced other lifestyles. Except for those darn “Jehova’s witness” kids all the parents would tell you to avoid.

As life progressed I began to make Jewish, Catholic and Muslim friends too…and you know what, they all have their own issues. A jewish guy may love bacon, a muslim girl may want to be a pop culture, rock music loving sex symbol, but neither should be judged because of that.

The stereotypes about each saddened me as they were nothing like the people I knew.
One religion judged another and without really understanding the other always caused conflict. Of course this on a global scale is what has led to many wars. And many Academy Award wins for “serious” actors.

I no longer consider myself part of any religion (of course I joke about following Franconism…the believe that James Franco is our lord and saviour).

And this is where my biggest problem with people comes in.

I believe everyone is entitled to their own belief. I truly do. It’s not for me to say whether what you believe in is right or wrong.

However, when people start telling me (yes some preach) that I need to find God, or Jesus and that they are my salvation I get angry.

Of course, I politely decline the first time with respect to what they believe in, but the second time the gloves will come off. It’s naïve to believe that everyone else must believe in YOUR beliefs.

The key word here is respect. And sadly a lot of people don’t respect that someone else may feel differently, and more importantly, that it’s OK to feel differently.

When something goes wrong in my life, if someone tells me they will pray to God that things turn out ok, then all the best to them. But when they start telling me I need to pray to God for things to come right, I take issue with it, and I will challenge them to the nth degree.

If I wish to pray to the God of the Oceans, Zeus, I will. It’s not about what religion is right, but rather what brings me….

Faith.

See, now faith I have no problem with, because everyone needs something to believe in. The power of Faith is an amazing thing. If I achieve the impossible, it’s not because it’s “God’s plan”, it’s because I believed that it was meant to be and I chased after it with all my passion and desire. I may choose God to be it conduit of my Faith, but its not a given. Heck I could choose to have Faith in Kim Kardashian and achieve my dreams and people should not be allowed to judge, it just doesn’t work that way.

It’s a personal choice at the end of the day. There is no right or wrong religion or Faith.

Will only the Christians go to heaven because we lived a life in sin?

Have I suffered a lifetime of loss and pain even though I’ve lived my life as a good person because it’s God’s plan? How then can you tell me God is good?

I was recently on a bulk mailing list where someone asked everyone on the list to pray for a loved one. Whilst the story was sad, and touching, the thread became ugly when a few of us asked to be taken off the replies, insults were hurled, people became angry and offended, because it was assumed from the get go that everyone on that list was the God believing type. That’s dangerous and ultimately narrow minded.

It’s that narrow-mindedness that is most prevalent. You watch your social network thread and every day you will see friends praising the Lord and all His glory. You don’t delete them, you don’t comment or reply, because you allow them that freedom. But if you post a message about your faith or feelings or a religious quip about something negative about God or religion, they will judge you and jump down your throat. If God truly does exist, I’d like to link he would welcome free thinking and debate. He gave you the power of free thought, why would He damn you for using it?

What makes this world so amazing is that we are all different and free to make our own choices and beliefs. What makes this world so sad is that so few accept that.

So I guess that brings me back to my opening line. Why do I pray?
I believe everyone deserves a second chance.

Now…about those dinosaurs.

Return Of The Burg – A blog that will enlighten and enrage

June 21, 2011

As a people observer, it’s always fascinating to me to watch how people react to something that’s perceived as out of the norm.

Do they overreact and panic? Do they become more casual than normal? Or do they simply take time to assess what’s going on and react accordingly.

I recently decided to take time away from everything and everyone. The blog, social networks and the cyber world at large I stopped cold turkey.

I didn’t go anywhere…I got up and went to work as per normal. For everyone who saw me on a daily basis, it was business as usual.

However, on the social network’s there was panic!
People were concerned I had done something stupid! I had decide to cash it all in!

There was a flood of emails, wall comments and BBM messages.

In truth nobody picked up a phone to see if I was “ok”, wait I lie…someone did, but they had an old number from before I got hijacked, so they are excused.

There were those that didn’t notice, and those that didn’t care.
It’s ok, people have their own lives. I understand that.

My choice to step away from all things online was a very deliberate choice. Maybe it was a lethal cocktail of burnout, pressure and just being totally sick of the fakeness of it all.

People annoyed me. They still do.
But I’ve all but turned into a hermit, so it’s not unexpected.

I’ve never hidden away from the openness of my life; I’ve always shared everything with you guys. Good, bad and controversial.

However for once, I needed to totally close myself off from opinions and advice.
I needed to take in and deal with the stress of the world, the tragedies I was dealing with and the frustrations that have me hanging on the edge.

There was a lot I could share with everyone to help them understand what was going on. But most of it was not my story to tell…not yet anyways. (when its turned into a thrilling tv land miniseries, then everyone will know)

My work has become my sole focus.
It’s my home away from home.
It’s my substitute of inspiration.
It’s my ticket out of here.

I’m now at a point I’m comfortable in my position and direction at work, that I feel the wheels are in motion for my future.

With that I feel ready to focus on other aspects of my life.

My New York trip will happen. Solo it seems. Unfortunately my “deserving partner” did a disappearing trick of her own and only decided to sms me several months later to see how I am. It always hurts when it feels like i’m chasing after someone to be my friend or to be liked. Taste of my own meds one might say.

I’ve seen the worst of life these last few months, I’ve taken a beating emotionally. I’ve made life harder on myself and I’ve fought the good fight.

However, I do feel ready to step back into life and try something different, because Lord knows the last few years haven’t worked.

My blogs will return to the focus of observing people and the world in complete honesty. I will offer my thoughts on topics most people shy away from, but i’ll always keep it honest, even at the good chance of being completely disliked.

I guess I’m more open to change now. More open to experiencing life. But ultimately more understanding that people will let you down, they will over promise, they will say things just because they think it’s the right thing to say, but in the end they do all these things because they are human, who am I to judge them because of that?

….well I am The Burg…and I’m back!

Soon…

June 10, 2011


New Burg….New Rules…Better Beard
In 2 weeks…The Return!