Archive for September, 2012

You Look Familiar…Have We Met Before?

September 26, 2012

I’m a rambling man. For the most part at least, but those ramblings often stem from a very linear train of thought, that is, until the train totally derails and I begin to over think things.

For the last week my mind has been focusing on one thing, or rather one person. It hasn’t been an obsessive sort of thinking though, which is a relief for a change. Instead, it’s been a more of growing thought. A seed if you will.

You see, this person I’m thinking of, our friendship is pretty black and white at face value. It’s just two people who get along, have a lot of similar interests and have similar views on the world. However, there is something else there…something lingering -something that existed before we even met. An intangible.

There is no possible way I could explain it without sounding like a nutcase, so I won’t even try and convince you. What I will do, is just write what I feel to be true to me.

We were meant to meet. And for all the talk of if only we had met a few years ago, the truth of the matter is, we probably did. Except it wasn’t a few years ago, it was slightly longer than that. I feel we have known each other from before we existed. I’ve always had the overwhelming feeling of not belonging, in this time, on this planet, in this life. It’s a nonsensical thought, which I don’t much preach about, but I know it to be true. This life I lead now feels like its making amends for some horrible existence I previously lead. I accepted that a long time ago. Perhaps in my next journey I will find peace and happiness and love. It certainly does not seem my path in this lifetime. It’s a crazy notion, I know.

People always talk about how I will meet the “right one” when I’m ready, or when it’s meant to be. But nobody ever entertains the thought of maybe I did already meet the right one.

Maybe…I met the one in a previous life, and we were perfectly happy, in time of romance, we did not know an ounce of sadness (and I was probably a little bit taller with the abs of a Greek warrior). And then we got ripped apart. Now, in another time, another space, we have met again. However, this time we are not allowed to be together. For whatever reasons may exist in this world.

Perhaps she may now be with the one who seemed a perfect fit. But what is the perfect fit? Is it someone who ticks all the boxes? What if there were more check boxes on the second page you never looked at? Someone who is even more of a fit, but because you settled, you never even knew there was a page two to look at.

Does one fight to restore the balance? Fight for a second chance at happiness? Does one walk away knowing that this lifetime it’s not meant to be…Does one move on to someone else? (because we know my life is filled with women who are interested in me right?)

These are all just thoughts. I obviously cannot prove a single element of this, nor should I need to.

My heart and soul are not always in sync with my brain, which leads to being misunderstood, and alone for the most part. … There are times I think I’m just that lonely that I constantly try and look for reasoning behind my heart ache. The other day, a friend mailed me and said she had a dream that I was had a blonde girlfriend and I was happy and that she hoped it was a sign of something to come. My immediate response was “hopefully that was a wig”.

People will laugh at this blog, I’m sure, perhaps even try and force me to rationalize it, which is fine. I get that it’s near impossible for you to believe. In the end, life goes on, till the next one at least.

From Cape Town With Love

September 16, 2012

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It had been over three years since I had last visited Cape Town, and each time prior to this visit, my travels here comprised of nothing more than a “Friday work day, and a weekend for myself”…So when I planned on coming down this time, I planned a little more, and managed to turn it into a “five working day and weekend for myself” trip

Well, the work side of it certainly took care of its self and I ended up being so busy that my devious little plan to take some time for myself during those working days, simply just didn’t happen…however, that turned to be the biggest blessing in disguise.

My trip here was always two fold.

Firstly, I quite simply needed to breathe new air for a bit. Joburg was getting the best of me in so many ways, and I felt the anxiety settling in big time, I needed to get out for a bit, for everyone’s sanity.
Secondly, I wanted to test the waters in terms of working out the Cape Town office. As part of my overall smaller dreams bigger wins strategy, I wanted to see how effectively working out the CT office would prove. And lo and behold, I got probably about three times more work done in this week than I would of done back in JHB.

Most of my closest friends are down here and I’m glad I got to see them, some people really went out their way to make me feel welcome, and that goes so far in my book, If I couldn’t make it to where people where, they came and fetched me. Gestures of friendship are not lost on me, and I ensured that while I was down here I reignited my #BurgMoments lifestyle in full force, in fact I have setup several of these moments to take place after I leave this evening, in the hope that I will have left some tiny part of Burg magic in the City that has been so good to me.

Of course, the trip was not without its typical “pulling a burg” moments, which so often define my adventures, so if you’ll indulge me for a few minutes, I’d like to share some of the highlights….
There’s nothing quite like a first day in a different city, as basic logic always seems to disappear and you seem to make the silliest of errors. Starting with my rental car…that took me 20minutes to start, because I couldn’t figure out how to switch on the damn ignition. So there I say quietly in my parking bay, trying not to look like a complete idiot, sometimes pretending to be on my phone with one hand, while the other frantically searched for some sort of switch or immobilizer that may be the trick to switching it on. Little did I realize, to start the car, it simply needed to be in gear. Pfff…technology.

That same night, I also managed to lock myself out the house, taking a walk down to KFC, and returning to the house only to realize I didn’t quite have all the keys I needed. I phoned a colleague who confirmed this to indeed be fact. As I waited calmly eating my chicken in the road, in the dark, and cold…she phoned me back with the genius idea of walking around the house and using the other door…which I had keys for.

One the Wednesday, I decided to take in preparation for my conference the next day, in order to see the venue beforehand and if it was walkable. I left with a colleague at about 5.30pm and took a breezy walk a few blocks down. Eventually spotting the conference centre from a distance, it was in fact walkable, but certainly not from the route I took, but happy with the fact that I know knew where it was, I headed back. Back where however, I’m not quite suite, as I didn’t realize I did not keep track of where I actually was. So what proceed was a looooot of walking to try and find my bearings. As the night got darker, and colder, I ended up being followed by a homeless man, swearing at me constantly for no reason. Ironically we would both make our way to the local homeless shelter, he was happy, I wasn’t. If anything, my walkabout took me to places I wouldn’t normally see, including the recent World Cup stadium . From there I made my way to the V&Waterfront shopping complex where I eventually was able to retrace my steps back to the home office. Now, ordinarily, a two hour getting lost walk is a great thing for me. However, because I had only planned on popping down the block and back, I had made the decision to wear my slip slops (sandals), the devastation caused by this decision is still being felt as I type this. I have no skin left on the top of my feet, and bubble blisters underneath them! I still walked to the conference the next day, and did several Km’s over the proceeded days, which each and every pair of socks being drenched in blood that poured out my feet. And let me tell you, there is nothing quite like having to peel a pair of socks off your feet and getting to do it all over again the next day.

There is one last story I would like to share with you…

You see, I knew coming down here I would see a lot of old friends, however, I didn’t plan on making a new one…but boy oh boy did I.

I’m pretty easy to get along with for the most part, but every now and again I find someone I connect with on the clichéd “another level”. I can generally sense these people immediately, and just know that there is something there that needs to be explored. Such was the case with the person I met purely by chance I guess. We didn’t really talk much as first, but there was something lingering there. Something that needed to be tapped into, which we did, and much like her; it was nothing short of beautiful.

We did lunch, we chatted so much, we had so many revealing conversations about things we both loved and desired in the world, however the entire time there was this cloud of finality hanging over over…I would be leaving soon and this was all going to be over way too soon. She said she wished I could stick around longer, which just made my heart jump with joy. I wished that too. But the reality of our lives could not turn this into anything more. As the days went on, in typical Burg fashion, I found myself falling for her more and more each day, but not just her, rather the way she made me feel, and believe in my own dreams and desires again. The whole scenario played out much like an extended version of Before Sunrise/Sunset.

We spent most of Saturday together, where I got to meet some people in her life, including the reality check of the husband, who is one of those seemingly nice guys who makes you immediately think “well, there’s no way I can compete with this guy”. Then you immediately think well, I was never in with a chance anyways. Not that there was a chance of anything of course, but its just the head games one tends to play with ones self.

He eventually had to pop out for a while, and finally I got to just spend some alone time with her, we walked back to her place, and as much pain as I was in from my bleeding feet, it just disappeared when I was around her. We fetched a few things from the house then headed back to the beach, quite prepared for another painful walk, I was so happy that we were just together, then of course, that feeling was quickly replaced with disappointment as the honk honk of her husband in the car shorted our trip as he arrived to give us a lift back. My heart sunk, but my fake smile and humour came to my defence…

As the universe would have it, I ended up being stuck with him for a few hours, while she went surfing…. So here we are, two men laying on beach towels getting to know each other. I realized there is never a right time to say “hey, I’m falling for your wife, so just wanted to make sure that’s cool with you”…, so I just sat there getting more and more miserable, but never showing it, and instead offering genuine conversation and polite to the bitter end.

When she did return from the surf, a ray of sunshine brighter than the day’s sun that was beating down on me, they decided to call it a day and invited me to join them for dinner. Knowing I just couldn’t possibly torture myself anymore, I made an excuse to leave, and that I had someone else to see, then headed back. I didn’t have other plans.

Selfishly, I kept hoping she would send me a message asking if I was ok, or thanking me for coming or even “apologizing” for leaving me alone for so long, but none of that came…until about 2 hours later when I got a Facebook message asking if I had perhaps taken her phone. She had lost it….of course. The universe just loves playing these jokes on me doesn’t it.

As I sit here now typing this, I can’t help but wonder, was that it? Was that all I would be allowed with her? And as thankful as I am for the unexpected friendship, I find myself consumed with thoughts of “what ifs”, if I had said something else, taken a chance, just done something out of the ordinary…would it have made a difference? Would it have made a fool of me? I just don’t know. But for someone who lives by the words “Live For The Moments”, this is one that is stapled to my heart.

I’m a romantic, i’m a dreamer, but im also a realist and I know exactly how this story ends. I don’t begrudge these feelings at all, and I know that if our paths are meant to cross again, they will, in this lifetime or the next.

The truth is, I could write about her for hours, but the rest of the memories will be for me. So all that is left to say is…

Thank you Cape Town…we will do it all again in December…

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

September 3, 2012

If I have one flaw…it’s that I can be quite contradictory depending on my mood. (If I have two flaws, the other is probably my humility)….

And if there’s something that a run of bad health and stress does to a person, it gives one perspective, and an appreciation for what and who is in your life, and subsequently, who is missing from your life.

Over the last few weeks I’ve found myself really searching for some sort of comfort in friendships. And in the great spirit of burying the hatchet, and extending the olive branch, I’ve tried to make peace with those friendships I’ve thought lost.

However, some instances have been a complete shock to the system, and here’s where the contradiction part comes into play.

I’ve always said that I don’t give a hoot (owl speak) about how people think of me, and that I will always continue to live my life by my rules (geez give me a leather jacket and motorcycle and I’m a 50s rebel). However, recently I found out that there are those I once thought of as friends just don’t like me (anymore).

Hold the phone….someone doesn’t like me???

I know right…that’s just madness.

Off course, I can’t leave well enough alone and pursued these now former friends to find some sort of reasoning.
This first told me that she felt that I had used her has some sort of experiment to entertain the “new me”, and that I was arrogant about my ways in doing so…which struck me as just plain old bizarre seeing as they all we did was meet up for a fruit juice one evening when she was in the country and reminisce about the old days, then say our goodbyes about an hour later. How very arrogant of me I guess…making the effort to see an old friend when they visiting the country sure isn’t what it used to be I guess.

The second I had seen often over the years, but we had had a falling out while back because she didn’t like the fact that I didn’t like advice she had given me…

I had in the meantime become friends with one of her friends, who I still chatted with. I often asked about our common friend but never got much response.

So I mailed my long lost friend saying I missed our pop culture chats and such. The reply I got back was certainly not what I expected. She went on to say how I spoke shiz about her and called her psycho to her friend. I confronted the friend and showed the chat history, which she immediately denied and then said this is all so childish and she doesn’t want to get involved. It went back and forth a little bit, but essentially, I became the odd man out, and it was clear that the friendship was over based on a lie and hearsay.

Now, why am I so bothered about not being liked? I know I can’t be liked by everyone, and I’m certainly not the easiest person to be friends with, but there is something that bugs me to the core about people who have the complete wrong opinion of me, or allow other’s to make up their minds for then.

I like to be liked, but when someone doesn’t I just can’t let up until I know why.

There has thankfully been some really good outcomes with some friendships that have been given a second chance, which gives me hope, hope that you will always have the people in your life you are meant to have, and that sorry does still mean something to some people.

Can’t we all just get along?