Archive for the ‘general’ Category

Cut From The Heart: Episode 6 – The Drunk Dial

November 18, 2013

This following sorry was one of the last stories I decided to cut from the book, I liked how everything played out, but ultimately I just felt because of how things ended it wouldn’t bring much to the overall journey of the book. That however doesn’t mean I won’t always wonder what might have happened if I ever got a chance with the story I like to refer to as:

Bonus Story #6: The Drunk Dialer

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Over the years, I was lucky enough to act in several movies and do some extra work in tv shows and commercials, a lot of those experiences I cover in my book, but I did take a break from it all for a couple of years. In the middle of 2012 I got the chance to do some extra work for a commercial for a well known reality show. It wasn’t anything that would rocket me to the fame moon, but it did give me the chance to work with some old friends and just enjoy being in front of the camera again.

When I’m in set, I always seem to light up and become more myself, the funny charming guy who has no problem flirting with makeup artists, producers and other cast members.

This was no exception.

It was just a one day shoot for me, so I didn’t have much time to really get to know anyone, but there where one or two ladies that caught my eye. The one I chatted to quite a bit, and the other was a very business like lady who was from the creative agency. We said nothing more that hello. But I really couldn’t stop thinking about her.

Thankfully after my scene was filmed I was told I’d be needed for the final scene of the day as well. As the crew setup the shot and waited for the sun to set, I pulled out all my best “cool guy” material. She laughed, but I was never sure if it was at my jokes, or the guy behind me dressed in a gorilla suit.

We wrapped up fairly quickly after that, and before I knew it, she was gone. I casually tried asking some indirect questions to see if anyone knew her name, but alas nobody did. I thought that would be the end of of.

But by now, I think you’ve figured out my stories are never over that quickly…

As luck would have it, a few days later I was told there was a problem with my footage and it would need to be redone. Not only would I get paid for an extra day, but I’d have a chance of seeing the mystery woman again.

I deliberately arrived on set extra early that day, made obvious by everyone saying “we won’t need you for a bit if you’d prefer to come back later”…I’m a patient guy so I just hung out in here green room. And by green, I just mean the table in the cafeteria where the other actors (and their moms) were.

Eventually she showed up. We exchanged pleasantries and that was it. The whole day I kept trying to find a way to engage in conversation, but we never did, she was in work mode the entire time, except this time instead of heels she was wearing pink sneakers. It was after all, a Saturday. But she was still just as beautiful.

After we wrapped I left feeling slightly defeated. But, I never, ever give up.
I hit the internet trying to find any clue as to what her name might be. She wasn’t on any of the call sheets, but the name of the advertising firm was. So I started there, and began searching employee profiles on social networks, going through their friends to see if I recognized any of the pictures (yes, not unlike a witness trying to find a killer at the police station) , news articles, pictures from company events. Anything that would give me a clue to her name.

Now one thing my book will teach you is, I am gooood at this. Even before the days of Google. If someone existed. I would find them.

And I did. Of all things I found a picture of her on a football fan club page from some function, which had her first name listed below.

The rest was easy, and I emailed her some lame email asking how the rest of the shoot went and when we could see the final product. We began emailing back and forth, and I could tell she was very guarded in her replies. Understandably so.

As I worked at melting the ice, I eventually found my way through by talking soccer, as we supported opposing teams. So the traditional football banter began.

As her phone number was listed on her email signature I thought it was fair game and added her to a chat program called Whatsapp.

Come game day we began chatting footy, and eventually I felt comfortable to start flirting. I invited her out to coffee, which she turned down because of her busy schedule. So I took the hint. And invited her out to milkshakes instead. Nobody can resist that.

The more we chatted, the more she revealed. That she had a son, and I she couldn’t understand why I’d want to get involved in all that baggage. Now let me make one think clear, I do not consider children baggage. I never have and never will. They are no baggage, they are a package.

In fact, my attraction is not diminished by race, religion, age, children or even history of mental illness. This is not necessarily a good thing. (Especially the last one), as it’s often made things more complicated. I just happen to be more attracted to women of Indian decent. I always have been, and always will be. That is a preference, not a determining factor.

Anyways, where were we. Oh right, mental illness.
Mmm. No wait, sorry.

We began talking more often, and more casually now, it was hard work but she was eventually even occasionally messaging me first. Not often, but often enough to think maybe she was actually thinking about me. She talked about how her day was and how she wished she didn’t have to go out with clients in the evenings. She would even send me pictures of what she was going to wear for the evening.

We spoke about out jobs, and she mentioned that they were looking for someone and I should apply. I had just started a new job and didn’t plan on leaving so soon, but I thought I could at least see what they had to offer. So I sent it. That was a Friday.

On the Saturday, we spoke a lot on chat. All day. Then in the evening she was feeling depressed after a hard week of work. I did what I would always do and helped build her up. Eventually her responses were becoming more and more illegible. She did like her evening wine, and this night she was clearly enjoying it. We kept flirting via text…and then…at about midnight…

Ring. Ring. (Ok my phone is on silent, so it only vibrates)

Vbbbbbrrrrr. Vbbbbbrrrrr.

She was calling me.

I answered. Her first words were something along the lines of
“What do you want. I don’t understand why a guy like you would want to get involved with a woman with a kid who has no time for her own life”

I told her not to overthink things (rich coming from me!) and to just enjoy what was going on.
She told me I was so wise and always said the right thing. I am. And, I do.

This call went in for about and hour, between the slurring of the words and the clanging of the glass against the phone, I only actually understood about 25% of the conversation.

Then she said, she was going to take a shower but expected me to call her back in 10min.
I said ok cool, and we ended the call.

Then, I realized I didn’t have airtime in my phone. And I happened to be broken than broke that night so couldn’t even top up.

It was a horrible feeling. And I message her some lame excuse about how my phone was giving trouble and we’d have to chat in the morning.

On the Sunday morning I got an email from her.
Thanking me for applying for the position within the company, but unfortunately they won’t be considering my application at this time.

A few weeks went by before we chatting again, it was awkward and whatever magic was there before, was gone. I tried reigniting it, but she didn’t give me an inch. Even casual conversation wasn’t all that casual.

She sent me some message about how some big black guy was harassing her at the office and her brother was there to calm her down. Then just like that, she changed her phone number.

About a year later we chatted on Facebook, she was concerned about some messages I had been posting (more on that in my book), and suggested I stop as it could have an impact on my professional career in the future. Then she asked me if I needed some professional help. Then she deleted me.

And that’s how it ended. Much ado about nothing in the end, but that nothing was hard work. Perhaps if she just said yes to a milkshake, we would of seen if there was really anything there.

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Cut From The Heart: Episode 5 – The Hot Train Girl Diaries

November 17, 2013

So here’s a little scoop for you all. The title of my book was originally going to be called The Hot Train Girl Diaries.

Over the last year, I’d met a few girls on my morning train I found myself attracted to. In fact, there were 4 in total.

I affectionately referred to them as

Hot Train Girl #1
Hot Train Girl #2
Hot Train Girl #3
And
Hot Train Girl Original.

Here’s another scoop for you.
My book starts with the story of Hot Train Girl #2, and sets off a series of events that would go on to change everything about me.

For now however, I would like to share the story of Hot Train Girl #1 with you, in what I shall call:

Bonus Story #5: The Hot Train Girl Diaries – Book 1

It was February 2013 and I’d been taking the train for about a year. As I mentioned, I’d seen a number of girls on the train I was attracted to, and since Valentines Day was coming up, I thought, what the hell, let me do something typically me and give gesture or romance to them.

Now, its not a given than I would see any of them on that day as we sometimes take different trains. I thought I would play it by ear, and if I saw someone either in the morning or the evening, I would write a Valentines day poem and give it to them.

I had these little plastic eggs that came with the old Kinder joy chocolate eggs, so my plan was to write the poem, fold it up in the egg and give it to the girl to open up at work.

That day, when I got to the train station, I saw HTG#1 get on the train, so I sat a few cars back and wrote my poem to give to her when we got off.

I came up with:
“There once was a girl on the train
Who from admiring I could not refrain.
She had style, she had grace
She had beauty upon her face
I can only hope tomorrow I’ll see her again.
Happy Valentines Day”

Not bad I thought, so when we got to our destination, I time my walk so that I met her on the escalator.

Awkwardly, I said I’d like to give her something, and I proceeded to hand her the egg.

I could see she was a bit taken aback, so I quickly reassured her by saying
“Don’t worry it’s not Anthrax or anything like that”.

Yup. I attempted to reassure her that my mysterious egg was not a toxic powder.

That same day I saw her in the mall. When she saw me, she literally dived into the closest store to avoid me. I pretended I didn’t notice, so she thought she got away with it. But I felt so horrible.

Over the next few months, we didn’t speak again, but as we almost always parked next to each other in the parking lot, we did exchange a smile near daily.

Conversation didn’t happen a lot, but in passing, I did promise her that one day we’d have a proper conversation. She said cool.

We would also see each other in the mall where I working during lunch time. In fact, one time, I met my friend for lunch, and she arrived with her baby in tow. As I kissed her hello and greeted her boy, HTG#1 walked past and saw this. I immediately wanted to say, I promise this is not what it looks like! You know, just in case she thought otherwise.

The exchanged smiles became less often.

Now, to my credit, one thing about me is, I notice the smallest changes a girl makes to herself. Such as changing their hair subtlety, or when they are wearing something new for the first time. Its just a case of paying attention to people.

So one morning, I noticed HTG#2’s hair was different, so I went up to her and said her hair looks nice.

She replied with a laugh and said “Yeah, we start fasting tomorrow so I haven’t washed my hair, but thanks”.

Yup, a smooth follow up after the anthrax.

The next day she started Eid. (Yes, she was a muslim Indian girl).

For about a month I didn’t see her. In fact, I didn’t even see her car.

Then suddenly, her car was back! That evening on my way home, I thought if her car is still there, I was going to leave her a note saying I hope she had a good Eid and I was glad she was bad.

I sat in my car in the parking lot, wrote the note and then went and put it in the side of her window. It was such a windy evening, I was worried the note would blow away, but I chanced it anyways. At the end of my note I included my email address.

The next day I was nervous what she might say about my note. But I didn’t see her. As I came home that evening, I walked past where her car was just 24hrs ago. And what did I see…a crumpled up piece of paper in the flower bed.

I thought to myself, surely she wasn’t a litter bug…so it couldn’t possible be my note.

I drove out the parking lot, as this ate away at me…I turned around the car and drove back. I went back to the parking and went to go pick up the piece of paper.

It was a Mcdonald’s receipt for a happy meal and a milkshake.

Later in that week however, I did see her. And we spoke. We spoke a lot, about our jobs; she worked in the same centre as me at a clothing store. We spoke about travel as I was going overseas soon. And of course, I asked her if she got my note. She said no, and suggested maybe the wind blew it away. I knew it. Dammit.

Anyways, she told me she had an interview for a new job at the airport the next day. I felt sad that I may not be seeing her again.

That day I was anxious to know how the interview went. I casually walked past her store a few times, in the hopes of bumping into her, but never did.

However, that evening I saw her car, so again I reverted to the note on the car idea. I wrote a note asking how the interview went, and wished her luck for the outcome. Again I included my contact details.

That night I sat waiting for a message from her. Foolishly so, I know, but I lived in hope.

I saw her once or twice after that on the train, and gathered that she had changed her parking spot. Till eventually I didn’t see her at all.

I went overseas at the end of October, and haven’t seen her since I returned. I assume she got the job she interviewed for.

Through all this, I still don’t even know her name.

Cut From The Heart: Episode 4 – The Too Much Makeup Girl

November 16, 2013

As we continue this build up to my book, I’ve been making the very difficult decision as to which stories to cut from the final version. As I share them here with you all, I find myself wondering what the actual criteria for removing them is.

I guess ultimately, its about finding a balance. Fine tuning the flow of my life. All of these stories I share here are by no means less important, and the girls I mention in these stories will always form an important part of who I am. (Good or bad).

Back during my IT days, I working for a little company called Microsoft. Now in my book there are some major stories that come out of these days, but there were also lesser known stories that very few people knew of. I’d like to share on of those with you now.

Bonus Story #4: The Too Much Makeup Girl

By 2002 I had resigned myself to the fact that I may die working in a call centre. The only positives about being in IT for the last 5 years was that I had made some close friends, and I was making some decent money. But, I was not happy, this was never what I was meant to be doing with my life.

Career wise, MS was not the highlight of my life. For the most part however, I was well liked. From my quirky dress sense to my humour, it was easy to get along with everyone, from every department. From the strictest of bosses to the bitchiest of bitches, I was sorta the one guy who managed to be friends with everyone…well until the day I got fired, but that epic story is covered in my book.

There were several departments within the company and we as the helpdesk didn’t have much interaction with the other employees. There was however one girl in particular that used to come through our offices occasionally to visit a friend.

She was a petite indian girl, who was sexy as hell. None of the guys ever spoke to her, maybe out of intimidation, or maybe just assuming she would never be interested in us plebs.

The guys would always say how she wore too much makeup, as if justifying their reason why they never approached her. Perhaps she did, but I felt she wore that much makeup as compensation for low self confidence.

We changed office buildings several times during my stay at the company, and by the final move during my time there, her and I had actually started talking. She would greet me everytime she saw me and we’d have a random conversation, till eventually we started emailing each other.

Some of the guys were like “you’re the man Burg!”, but for me, it was just about getting to know someone.

Surprisingly, she happened to be single at the time, however, it was a recent thing as she had confided she had split from an abusive boyfriend.

I wondered if all that make up had actually been a cover up for something more heartbreaking.

I took my time with her, and helped build her confidence back up, she deserved better, and I promised her nothing left.

Eventually I had the courage to ask her out to coffee one Saturday, making it clear it was a date, and she actually said yes!

As the day approached, in part paranoia and part previous experience, I grew doubtful this was actually going to happen. So on the Friday night I confirmed she was still on for the next day, she replied of course! And I went to bed almost as excited as a kid on Christmas Eve.

The next morning I shaved, got dressed up, and in my excitement headed out an hour early to our agreed coffee shop at the East Rand Mall, which was halfway for both of us.

As I say, I got there early, so I had to kill and hour walking around.

Eventually at 2pm, I made my way to the coffee shop and got a table. I texted her and said I was there. She replied with “on my way, might be a bit late”.

She was 5 min late.
Then 15 min late.
Then 30 min late.
Then an hour late.

So I texted her again, asking if everything was ok.
She didn’t reply.

Foolishly, I waited another hour. And I could tell the waiters had noticed I had been stood up. So I casually asked for the bill and made my way home, not before having the world longest pee because of all the coffee I consumed in 3 hours.

As I got home, I got a message from her. She apologized and said she just couldn’t do it.

I was confused, hurting, but never once showed any anger towards her. Instead I said I understand, and hoped we could reschedule. It was one of the few times I actually cried tears of disappointment.

When Monday came, our emails were suddenly awkward. She never came down and visited anymore.

In fact, our communication came to a sudden and bizarre end.

A few months later, she was pregnant.
Then I heard she and her boyfriend were back together.
Then I heard the boyfriend killed himself.

A short while after that my time there came to an end.

The whole experience was very confusing and painful. And as of today, I don’t know whatever became of her.

But I do think back to that time often, and wonder what might have been different if she showed up that day for coffee.

Cut From The Heart: Episode 3 – The Cute Neighbour and The Weakest Link

November 15, 2013

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Ask any of my friends, I’m not really the party type; I very rarely go to gatherings or celebrations. It’s just something I don’t feel comfortable doing anymore.

Back in the day however, I made the odd appearance at a braai (bbq) or birthday gathering, and this was one such occasion.

The year was 2003. I went to a friend’s birthday celebration, not really expecting to have a good time, even though he was the closest thing I had to a best friend, and I knew a lot of his friends, there was a always a chance I would make an excuse and leave early.

However to my surprise I ended up having a good type pretty quickly and that was probably mostly due to the fact that I hit it off with his girlfriend’s neighbour. She was cute, fun and extremely young, yes three things I look for in a girl.

We chatted the whole time, and boy was I smooth, I even walked her home in the evening (yes next door, but still), and managed to get her number.

I felt like the heavens opened up pumped my fists, and rejoiced, exclaiming “I got a number!!!”

That night we texted each other and quickly began flirting with each other. I put on a pair of balls and asked her out. To the movies, it was anything too hectic, but a nice way of spending time together. To me, nothing beats an old school dinner and a movie.

The week after the braai, I drove out to fetch her, and of course as I arrived, my friend was leaving his girlfriend’s house, he just laughed that laugh of his that pretty much says “busted!”

She invited me in to meet her parents, and her sister, and boy was it awkward, the parents barely responded to anything I said, even my jokes, which were HIGHlarious were met with zombie like responses. They just spend their time staring at the movie that was playing on the TCM channel. I tried to make conversation about my knowledge of movies, but still no response. In retrospect, they may have been wax models of the real people.

Thankfully we didn’t stay too long. We headed out to the mall, and I gave her the choice of what movie she wanted to see, she wanted to watch Freddy vs Jason…(a girl picking a horror movie is normally a good sign, but all i could think of was – dammnit…I’ve already seen that).

The movie passed far too quickly, but we inevitably began holding hands during the movie, and she didn’t let go for the rest of the night. This of course made going to the bathroom a bit awkward.

I didn’t plan on making a move further than perhaps a goodnight kiss, but when we were driving home, I mentioned that I was going to be a contestant an episode of The Weakest Link the next day, so I couldn’t be out too late.

Just before we got to her house, she said to me, “Can I wish you luck for tomorrow?” of course I wasn’t going to turn that down.

We parked on the side of the road a few blocks from her house and began to make out. It was very natural and very appealing, and then she undid her bra, allowing me to put my magic hands to work. Her hands made their way to my gear stick, and then she realized she had the wrong gear stick and proceeded to go for my other gear stick.

It was what we call a good session. We didn’t go too far but far enough to know there was an attraction.

I dropped her off and said good night, and we texted each other for the rest of the night.

The next day I filmed my episode of The Weakest Link, and the host asked me a question of “Shaun, I believe you’re single…why is that?”, I had the perfect response of “Well after last night maybe not, I had a date, a good date”…we all laughed, and I thought man, when that airs on TV it’s going to be a zinger.

The next day I texted the girl, and she didn’t reply, i tried again several times, and she eventually started replying with short sentences, finally saying we can’t see each other anymore.

Ergh…here we go again, I thought. She sorta eluded to the fact that her parents didn’t like me, which might have been true, I’ll never actually know. She was young, and maybe that played a factor. There was never a clear reason given

For me though, it was just another unsolved mystery. I think she is now living in the UK, but I often wonder about her. Of course, when that episode of The Weakest Link aired…well that just hurt even more.

For the record, I went out in the third round.

Cut From The Heart: Episode 2 – The Knife Store Girl & The Magic 8 Ball

November 14, 2013

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I’ve always lived my life by the rule of random, or at least when it comes to meeting people I take a fancy to. And I know what you’re thinking…

“That’s just silly! Who still uses the word fancy!?”

And you’re right, it’s these sorts of old school words and mentality that make dating that little bit harder for me. However, there is just something wonderful about someone catching your eye and evoking the romantic in ones self.

One of the prime examples of this was…

Bonus Story #2: The Knife Store Girl

During one of my more sociable years circa 2002 I was actually spending a lot of time hanging out with friends, engaging in hobbies and actually enjoying the happenstance of life.

I had a very good friend that I did most everything with named Jared. Jared had somehow convinced me to take up kickboxing. Which is one of the things I still miss to this day. The class was quite varied and included a much younger crew as well, and therein lay another story I will share with you later down the line.

Jared and I shared a lot of common experiences when it came to women, so we always encouraged each other. Being the nice guys in the friends zone is slightly easier when there is a buddy waiting for you there.

One of our many outings involved a trip to an armory store in one of the major shopping centres called Sandton City. I tagged along with Jared and another friend as they were looking for some collectors knifes. As guys do I assume.

As we browsed through the display cases of weapons, the guys oohed and aahed as they perused through the vast selection of items designed to cut someone’s heart out.

Me on the other hand saw something just as effective to do that. The blonde who was working behind the counter at the ammo section.

Now yes, I’ve often said how blondes are not my thing, so maybe it was the allure of a guns and ammo type of girl that somehow made her appealing to me. Or perhaps I was simply envisioning what she may look like in a bikini firing a bazooka. I guess we will never know.

To my own credit, I am very good at spontaneous small talk and making people laugh, so it was easy to start a conversation with her.

Now if I remember correctly, we had actually ordered boxing gloves from the store for our kickboxing class, which meant we would have to come back to collect them the next week. Awesome! A second date!

When we returned a week later she wasn’t there, and I found myself feeling somewhat stood up, which led to a number of ridiculous, yet not unexpected, decisions.

I made numerous casual trips back to the mall over the next few days (riding out more fuel than I could afford as the shopping centre wasn’t exactly close) till eventually I bumped into her again.

This time, I actually had the guts to ask her out. Of course she said no, saying that she didn’t know anything about me. (Presumedly going out with someone is the WORST way to find out about them? Discuss).

Of course, that type of comment to me is like a red flag to a bull and it became my mission to let her know as much about me as possible.

So dejected, but inspired, I went home that evening and put together a list of 101 facts about myself. When I had finished, I read through the list with pride. It was funny, honest, emotional and pretty much exactly how I am in real life. This was a sure fire winner! No girl could resist giving a guy with these credentials a chance.

The next day, I made my way back to the store and lo and behold, she wasn’t there. Thankfully, she was just at lunch however and instead of waiting, I said I would just come back later. As I waited aimlessly in the shopping centre, I literally bumped into her in the food court. She was talking to some muscle bound guy who she introduced to me, he worked in another store in the centre. I grumbled something that probably sounded nothing like “nice to meet you”, and proceeded to give her the list, explaining that if she still didn’t want to give me a chance after that, then I’d stop, but if she did my contact details were written down. Of course, douchebag jones stood there with us the entire time. She replied with an awkward ok and took the letter. Which I’m not sure if she even ever read.

Days went by and I never heard a thing from her. The usual foolish panic of “did I write the correct phone number” started to go through my head as I stubbornly tried to justify that I still had a chance here.

Then came one of my now infamous ideas. The magic 8 ball idea.

The new plan was to go see her one more time, and let her ask the magic 8 ball if she should go out with me. It was charming and purely dependent on fate.

Jared and I spent the next weekend scouring shops for a magic 8 ball which proved to be impossible. So I gave up in the idea.

Then, the Tuesday evening after that – during our kickboxing training session, the 8 ball idea came up in conversation and one of the people in the class said she had one. Suddenly the idea was back on. I literally made her go home and fetch it.

As we sat waiting for her to return with the ball in the parking lot, I couldn’t help but be excited.
Best. Idea. Ever.

That next weekend, we set out one last time to win this girl’s heart.
Excited about my brilliant idea, I had all the confidence in the world.

When we got to the store she was busy, so we had to wait to see her. Tick tock, tick tock.
While we were waiting, douchebag jones suddenly arrived. And she told me that he was her boyfriend. It clearly wasn’t, but she had obviously called the guy to come pretend they were together so I would leave her alone. Ouch.

I never even got to unleash my magic 8 ball idea on her. I just walked out as the guy who finally got the hint. Double ouch.

As life would have it. I now work in that same shopping centre and walk past that store every day. Triple ouch.

Hey some guys collect knifes, I collect fragments of my broken heart.

Ps. I also now own two magic 8 balls, and became well known for it on a segment on a tv show I hosted where viewers would send in their questions for the ball to answer.

There is a funny irony to my life sometimes.

Burg. Writer

November 6, 2013

Hey everyone, as this travel blog has come to an end for a while, I’d like to encourage you to follow me on my next adventure, as I prepare to finish my first ever book, and get it out there for everyone to read.

If you’ve enjoyed these posts, my book is full of many similar adventures, mishaps and heartbreakingly humorous situations.

Hopefully you have a facebook account, because you can like my official page here http://www.facebook.com/shaunmyburgwrites and I’ll be revealing the premise of the book when I hit 50 likes!

Thank you for the support, we’ve only just begun!

Burg

State of The Burg Nation Address – Permanent Heartbreak & Zombies

October 10, 2012

A year ago I was sitting at home, unemployed, broke and no clue of what the future held for me. I was essentially happy. I knew I had a decent payout coming, a new job would find me, and I had high expectations that “next year would be different”.
So here we are….1 year later. What has changed?
The more I think about it, the more I get overwhelmed with a great sense of depression. It’s probably not the best time to analyse my life either, because I always get hugely depressed this time of year because of my birthday. And in two days time, when the day arrives, I’ll be forced to pretend I’m happy it’s my birthday, instead of having to explain to new friends and co-workers that I don’t celebrate it. So when questions and comments arise such as “what have you got planned” or “I hope you get spoilt” I will try and force a smile and come up with answers that don’t depress me even more.
Know me well enough, and know how I feel about the day.
I’ve been under tremendous stress lately, and really feel like it’s taking its toll. Health wise and mentally, its just overwhelmed me to the point where I feel my legs can’t even hold me up anymore.
The easy solution is I just need to take a holiday or go out with friends…

 

I’ve tried to avoid writing how woe is me, but I just don’t think there is any possible way to avoid it, and believe me, I don’t want to be THAT version of myself again.
A lot has changed over the last year, I know this to be true, and because I can see the difference I’ve made in my life, but the problem is, as I get older, I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the things that simply won’t change.
I gave the whole positive attitude thing a massive try. I made the effort with people, a big effort, but every disappointment I’ve had has resulted in a crushing punch to the ovaries. Which could possibly explain why I’m battling to even stand these days.
A friend and I chatted recently, and I call him a friend because of all the bullshiz we have gone through (and given each other), we still remain close. We spoke about the disappointment in people, and he pointed out that you literally can count the number of friends you really have one hand; the rest will always let you down.
What defines a genuine friendship though? We assign so much to that pedestal of friendship, that it becomes dangerous. Yes. Friendships are dangerous. I think this is why I try and avoid them.
However, over the last few weeks I seem to have fallen off the wagon and tried to believe in the romance of friendships…to my own detriment.
I’ve been accused of taking things too personally…which I do. Because friendship is the most personal thing there is. And if you can’t rely on the very basics of things like effort, commitment and honesty you, such as myself, will be in a permanent state of heartbreak.
And that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. I am in a permanent state of heartbreak. Probably for the last 30 years.
I recently reached out to a bunch of people I considered friends. I wanted to spend time with them, because I like them, and really needed to be around them to feel good about myself.
Scenario A, was friend I had messaged for years saying lets catchup, let’s get together, etc etc.. and she agreed that we absolutely would! She had recently returned from overseas and asked for me number saying we can finally meet up again. I let myself get excited about this prospect, and eagerly sent my details saying she must send me hers. About a month after that she finally did. Then we proceeded to organize a date and time. A Friday, lunch time.
As it got closer, I got more nervous, because people ALWAYS cancel on me…and normally just before the time. So about an hour before she messaged me saying she was running late but would be there about an hour after our original time.
That time arrived and she messaged me again could we do it in the evening rather.
I replied sure.
Then another message saying can we rather do it over the weekend, or the week after.
I replied sure…whenever you can fit me into your schedule.
She replied “Thanks! I’ll message you next week!”
That was three weeks ago. Nothing since.
The second scenario, just days afterwards, was another friend I had managed to track down who I hadn’t seen in over a year. We agreed on a dinner date for Wednesday last week.
On the Tuesday night I messaged her asking if we were all good for dinner the night after, she replied saying she was so sorry, she forgot and said we would have to move it to later in the week, but she would get hold of me to confirm. I still haven’t heard from her.
There are others… new friends, who I’ve tried opening up with, letting them into my life, becoming their confident, showing them that there is a better way of life in terms of happiness and love, only of course till they seem to get bored of me, and my romantic notion of how life should be, then going back to the crud that they think is happiness. I just don’t get it, and then people tell me that I will make someone very happy, or any girl would be lucky to have me…prove it.
These are not random events. This is how it ALWAYS is. Always. It’s impossible not to get heartbroken over these moments. They seem to shrug it off so easily, and to me it feels like I have no right to complain over petty little cancellations.

 

(I know there are those that will immediately say I never take them up on the offers to do something, or never asked them out etc, but lets be honest here, if I enjoyed your company THAT much, we would of already done something, so get over it, and get back to reading.)
I’m a good guy, I’m good company. I surely deserve better? I deserve chances…And screw all that “well if you think it’s going to go bad, it will go bad”…That is such a cop out answer, because what about when you think good? and you still get burned…
Sorry, that was a bit of a vent wasn’t it? Well…I feel better that its out, but my heart doesn’t.
Ah the heart…tell me, why do I even have this useless item in my body? And yes, I know it provides the basic function of living. But then…what if you are not living? I certainly don’t feel alive.
In fact, the only time I felt alive recently was that one week I spent it Cape Town. Because I actually felt like my heart did have a function. It’s possible I left it there though.
You know that girl I fell for? Well. What do I even say about that? I thought at least all the distractions and distance would help me not think about her as much. But the more we don’t chat, the more I fall for her. The more I don’t see her, the clearer I can see her. As I told someone yesterday…there is nobody else for me to push away while I focus on her…there are no dates…there is nothing physical…there is nothing…except what we both know. That there is “something” there and it hurts so much knowing we are not allowed to even try.

So every year, as my birthday approaches, I cannot think of anything other than how I’m getting older, lonelier and despite my best efforts, I may not get that chance at happiness and love. Despite everyone’s cliched pieces of advice, these are the facts. This is the reality.

I sit here in life’s limbo. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Functioning purely on some sort of Zombie instinct. The punches keep on coming, and the Universe is constantly beating the cr@p out of me, but I’m not staying down…and we all know, there is only one true way to kill zombie.

From Cape Town With Love

September 16, 2012

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It had been over three years since I had last visited Cape Town, and each time prior to this visit, my travels here comprised of nothing more than a “Friday work day, and a weekend for myself”…So when I planned on coming down this time, I planned a little more, and managed to turn it into a “five working day and weekend for myself” trip

Well, the work side of it certainly took care of its self and I ended up being so busy that my devious little plan to take some time for myself during those working days, simply just didn’t happen…however, that turned to be the biggest blessing in disguise.

My trip here was always two fold.

Firstly, I quite simply needed to breathe new air for a bit. Joburg was getting the best of me in so many ways, and I felt the anxiety settling in big time, I needed to get out for a bit, for everyone’s sanity.
Secondly, I wanted to test the waters in terms of working out the Cape Town office. As part of my overall smaller dreams bigger wins strategy, I wanted to see how effectively working out the CT office would prove. And lo and behold, I got probably about three times more work done in this week than I would of done back in JHB.

Most of my closest friends are down here and I’m glad I got to see them, some people really went out their way to make me feel welcome, and that goes so far in my book, If I couldn’t make it to where people where, they came and fetched me. Gestures of friendship are not lost on me, and I ensured that while I was down here I reignited my #BurgMoments lifestyle in full force, in fact I have setup several of these moments to take place after I leave this evening, in the hope that I will have left some tiny part of Burg magic in the City that has been so good to me.

Of course, the trip was not without its typical “pulling a burg” moments, which so often define my adventures, so if you’ll indulge me for a few minutes, I’d like to share some of the highlights….
There’s nothing quite like a first day in a different city, as basic logic always seems to disappear and you seem to make the silliest of errors. Starting with my rental car…that took me 20minutes to start, because I couldn’t figure out how to switch on the damn ignition. So there I say quietly in my parking bay, trying not to look like a complete idiot, sometimes pretending to be on my phone with one hand, while the other frantically searched for some sort of switch or immobilizer that may be the trick to switching it on. Little did I realize, to start the car, it simply needed to be in gear. Pfff…technology.

That same night, I also managed to lock myself out the house, taking a walk down to KFC, and returning to the house only to realize I didn’t quite have all the keys I needed. I phoned a colleague who confirmed this to indeed be fact. As I waited calmly eating my chicken in the road, in the dark, and cold…she phoned me back with the genius idea of walking around the house and using the other door…which I had keys for.

One the Wednesday, I decided to take in preparation for my conference the next day, in order to see the venue beforehand and if it was walkable. I left with a colleague at about 5.30pm and took a breezy walk a few blocks down. Eventually spotting the conference centre from a distance, it was in fact walkable, but certainly not from the route I took, but happy with the fact that I know knew where it was, I headed back. Back where however, I’m not quite suite, as I didn’t realize I did not keep track of where I actually was. So what proceed was a looooot of walking to try and find my bearings. As the night got darker, and colder, I ended up being followed by a homeless man, swearing at me constantly for no reason. Ironically we would both make our way to the local homeless shelter, he was happy, I wasn’t. If anything, my walkabout took me to places I wouldn’t normally see, including the recent World Cup stadium . From there I made my way to the V&Waterfront shopping complex where I eventually was able to retrace my steps back to the home office. Now, ordinarily, a two hour getting lost walk is a great thing for me. However, because I had only planned on popping down the block and back, I had made the decision to wear my slip slops (sandals), the devastation caused by this decision is still being felt as I type this. I have no skin left on the top of my feet, and bubble blisters underneath them! I still walked to the conference the next day, and did several Km’s over the proceeded days, which each and every pair of socks being drenched in blood that poured out my feet. And let me tell you, there is nothing quite like having to peel a pair of socks off your feet and getting to do it all over again the next day.

There is one last story I would like to share with you…

You see, I knew coming down here I would see a lot of old friends, however, I didn’t plan on making a new one…but boy oh boy did I.

I’m pretty easy to get along with for the most part, but every now and again I find someone I connect with on the clichéd “another level”. I can generally sense these people immediately, and just know that there is something there that needs to be explored. Such was the case with the person I met purely by chance I guess. We didn’t really talk much as first, but there was something lingering there. Something that needed to be tapped into, which we did, and much like her; it was nothing short of beautiful.

We did lunch, we chatted so much, we had so many revealing conversations about things we both loved and desired in the world, however the entire time there was this cloud of finality hanging over over…I would be leaving soon and this was all going to be over way too soon. She said she wished I could stick around longer, which just made my heart jump with joy. I wished that too. But the reality of our lives could not turn this into anything more. As the days went on, in typical Burg fashion, I found myself falling for her more and more each day, but not just her, rather the way she made me feel, and believe in my own dreams and desires again. The whole scenario played out much like an extended version of Before Sunrise/Sunset.

We spent most of Saturday together, where I got to meet some people in her life, including the reality check of the husband, who is one of those seemingly nice guys who makes you immediately think “well, there’s no way I can compete with this guy”. Then you immediately think well, I was never in with a chance anyways. Not that there was a chance of anything of course, but its just the head games one tends to play with ones self.

He eventually had to pop out for a while, and finally I got to just spend some alone time with her, we walked back to her place, and as much pain as I was in from my bleeding feet, it just disappeared when I was around her. We fetched a few things from the house then headed back to the beach, quite prepared for another painful walk, I was so happy that we were just together, then of course, that feeling was quickly replaced with disappointment as the honk honk of her husband in the car shorted our trip as he arrived to give us a lift back. My heart sunk, but my fake smile and humour came to my defence…

As the universe would have it, I ended up being stuck with him for a few hours, while she went surfing…. So here we are, two men laying on beach towels getting to know each other. I realized there is never a right time to say “hey, I’m falling for your wife, so just wanted to make sure that’s cool with you”…, so I just sat there getting more and more miserable, but never showing it, and instead offering genuine conversation and polite to the bitter end.

When she did return from the surf, a ray of sunshine brighter than the day’s sun that was beating down on me, they decided to call it a day and invited me to join them for dinner. Knowing I just couldn’t possibly torture myself anymore, I made an excuse to leave, and that I had someone else to see, then headed back. I didn’t have other plans.

Selfishly, I kept hoping she would send me a message asking if I was ok, or thanking me for coming or even “apologizing” for leaving me alone for so long, but none of that came…until about 2 hours later when I got a Facebook message asking if I had perhaps taken her phone. She had lost it….of course. The universe just loves playing these jokes on me doesn’t it.

As I sit here now typing this, I can’t help but wonder, was that it? Was that all I would be allowed with her? And as thankful as I am for the unexpected friendship, I find myself consumed with thoughts of “what ifs”, if I had said something else, taken a chance, just done something out of the ordinary…would it have made a difference? Would it have made a fool of me? I just don’t know. But for someone who lives by the words “Live For The Moments”, this is one that is stapled to my heart.

I’m a romantic, i’m a dreamer, but im also a realist and I know exactly how this story ends. I don’t begrudge these feelings at all, and I know that if our paths are meant to cross again, they will, in this lifetime or the next.

The truth is, I could write about her for hours, but the rest of the memories will be for me. So all that is left to say is…

Thank you Cape Town…we will do it all again in December…

Texas Had It Wrong….I DO need a lover…

July 22, 2012

I have a recurring joke I like to make every so often. A comment so uncomfortably honest it makes people question whether it’s actually just me being awkwardly funny or deadly serious.

“I’m thinking about taking on a lover”

The more reserved of my friends/readers tend to take it humorously, and respond with a joke of their own, knowing that nobody would openly state they are looking for THAT. Others think I’m putting out feelers to see if any “lonely soul” bites…

To put everyone’s minds at rest…
I am ALWAYS looking for a lover. Always.

But why is that considered taboo? Or a shocking statement to make?
Am I not a single adult who craves companionship and affection? Surely I’m entitled to a sex life just as much as anyone else.

Over the last week or two, the conversation of sex has reared its head in a few varying conversations. How honest is too honest when talking about it? What are the pros and cons of a single lonely man paying for companionship and sex? Does sex ruin friendships if you want to have sex with a friend?

It’s often and easily misconstrued as a “typical guy after just one thing”, which makes me laugh a sad sorta laugh.

My sexually history has been written about before, yes, too much to some, but nonetheless, my sexual history in itself can be considered shocking. Most likely for the most opposite of reasons that one might think.

The truth is in the pudding.

I’m a near 34 year old man who has had sex a grand total of once in his life. And this came (excuse the pun), just before I turned 30.

Effectively, I waited 30 years for my first time (yes, I do count the ages between birth and 16yrs old), and now who knows how long I’ll have to wait for me second time.
I can’t say much about my first time, because quite honestly, I never knew what to expect, or anything to compare it against. It something that sorta just happened as a result of a hybrid between opportunity and negotiation.

The willing participant was an old school friend who was most likely stuck in a rut with where she was in her life. We ended up doing it in my office at a previous job in the afternoon. Yup, Office sex and afternoon delight. Doesn’t get much better than that right? (Now of course if you’re smart enough and do the math, you’ll know exactly when and where this took place, and probably give the person who took over my office after me cold shivers right about now….but don’t worry, we exchanged desks too).

The act itself was more of a learning experience for me I guess. I can’t say I did it for the right reasons or it’s something I always wanted from the person. It was just something that was. I don’t think either of us regrets it, and it was a nice memory. That’s all it seems now. A memory.

I’m not exactly living a life where the chance for sex comes along…in fact this was probably the only time, but I do know there have been numerous people I was attracted to sexually. Even now, there are those I would give anything to be with, who I just find so absolutely attractive that I go weak at the knees. Relationships aside, being around them or talking to them, gives me THAT feeling. That’s not a bad thing right? Nor should it be taboo.

In this day and age, if two adults (yes, from 18) are attracted to each other, why can they not just openly discuss the matter, do the deed, and create a moment that adds value to their life. The most basic emotion we deserve to feel is love, physically or emotionally.

Should sex only be a result of a long term relationship? Or should it be the basis of keeping a relationship together, but the what if you are the kind of person who will never be fortunate enough to be in a relationship (yes, the truth is not everyone gets that luxury).

The question is why can I not find a lover? I’m surely not wholly unattractive? Sure I could afford to drop a few pounds which would certainly help with my confidence…but is the thought of sober sex with me worse than having sex with Peter Griffin? (sure, I’d throw in more pop culture references)

Perhaps at the end of the day, I’m just a naïve lonely guy who looks for love in all the wrong places. But all I know is I’m so tired of watching porn….plus these iPads are so hard hold…(that’s what she said.)

100,000 Views on Love: My Own Greek Tragedy

May 22, 2012

It’s been a strange 7+ days for me…in fact my emotions have been off the chart for a variety of reasons, so I find myself wondering how much has actually been real and what’s been a result of my silly little self imposed head games.

Those around me, and I guess to a point, complete strangers, have been subject to the “new me”, with dare I say it, spectacular results.

I have provided moments of pure happiness for a variety of people for a variety of reasons, by simply being unselfish.

I’ve also found myself drawing out a lot of kindred spirits out the wood works and as a result, meeting new people who I actually like!

Therein I guess lay the problem…

You see, as much this new found confidence and way of viewing the world has shaped me into the best version of myself I have been in many a year, if not ever, I find myself tripping up over the same stumbling blocks that I’ve always had a problem with. New me…same result. There is a saying about what defines crazy that seems rather apt right about now.

Let me explain a bit…

If you’re a long time reader, you’ve loyally followed my luckless adventures in love and matters of the heart, and probably accidentally or on purpose used one of my many hated cliches on love, destiny etc.

I also mentioned in a previous blog about an unrequited love I had come across…

Then we also have a few unexpected surprises that crossed my path in the last few weeks.

Add all these elements together and you have the making a typical Burg heartbreak blog…with my emotions being pulled all over the place.

Let’s examine the players in this Greek tragedy of mine…and ask some rhetorical questions about what the next steps are.

In no particular order…

Player one is someone I met last week during my whirlwind trip to Durban. While I was waiting outside a conference hall for my seminar to start, this beautiful girl and I made eye contact and exchanged a smile. The old would of just watched her from afar, never having the courage to walk up to her and engage in conversation. The new me however walked up to her and started a conversation. I immediately felt there was something special about her. After the conference I asked her to coffee later in the day where we met up again and used the little time we had to get to know each other. The day ended with a hug. It was just one of those moments at will stay with me forever, I may never see her again, but boy do I hope we do..there is something there…something special. Every time I close my eyes I see her smile…and these eyes that just sparkle…STATUS: Taken

Player two is an interesting choice. She actually someone I noticed on my very first day at my new job, because she was the only person who smiled at me when I was introduced to everyone. It took us a good while to eventually start talking, however I soon realized my instincts about her were right. We had a lot of similar issues and she found it easy to talk to me about problems. I have that effect on people. They find they can open up and share things with me they can’t tell anyone else. I don’t mind being there for her in the slightest. Lately however we have begun flirting each other. All very innocent, and as she’s currently involved, I doubt it will go much further than that. I admit, I think we both like the attention and just enjoy it for what it is. Sometimes it hurts that it is so fleeting, and its not the type of relationship I have with someone else…but for now we just enjoy each others time. STATUS: Taken

Player three just has such a special place in my heart. It’s one of those situations where in a different time and place I could totally see myself with her. I think we both have so much love in our hearts that if our paths had crossed before she was so deep into a relationship, I would of liked to think we could have been something special too. I look at her with such admiration at the lengths she is going to for her love, and think how lucky that guy is. To find a love like that is rare, I know because I am like that with how far I would go. I’ve been so fortunate to spend some time with her away from our daily routine, and I am just so damn lucky to have the bond with her that I do. Its one of those “if only” friendships. STATUS: Taken

Player four is a girl who caught me by surprise, that being said, I knew we had bonded from our very first conversation…as I said, I’ve been drawing out kindred spirits, and this particular lady is definitely such. We are in the early stages of understanding how the other works…but she is definitely intriguing me. There are what other may call obstacles, but to me they are nothing that frighten me away. I am after all, “the moments guy”, and quite honestly whatever happens, happens. We won’t see each other very often, but I think when we do, there will always be something special between us. STATUS: Unknown

Yup. Player five.
I’ve saved the most important one for last. However, it’s the most heartbreaking of them all.

Firstly, I’m man enough to admit it. I have fallen in love, and unfortunately as always, with someone who doesn’t feel anything for me. At first I thought it was just another schoolboy crush, and maybe I just hoped it was. I listen to everyone’s advice about how I should approach the situation. For every person telling me to just tell her how I felt, I had someone telling me to be a complete @sshole around her, because women never go for the nice guy. For every person telling me to make sure I’m clear I don’t want to be her friend, I want to be more, I had someone telling me to be her friend first.

At the end of the day I am me. You either love me for that, or you don’t, she unfortunately doesn’t.

I wondered to myself, I’ve changed so much, and yet this version of who I am is still not enough. Then the self confidence issues start to fill your head…I’m too short, I’m too fat, I’m not sociable enough. I don’t drink. Whatever. It’s a total mind game with myself.

Then I think well if she just spent time with me away from the office she would see the real me.

She is dealing with her own issues too, and I feel so selfish about feeling the way I do. I’m there for her 100%, always will be, but my greatest fear is that while I’m there, some tall, successful, square jawed bad boy will just sweep in and take her. Because that’s what always happens. Heck when I hear conversations about her and other guys my heart breaks into a million pieces, and I just stand there nodding and pretending to smile about how awesome said guy would be for her.

After thinking long and hard about, the only “solution” here is for me to walk away. My heart yearns too much for her, and while I would be prepared to wait as long as it takes for her….I know I would spend he next 5 years trying to convince her of why I am the guy for her, and miss out on the world around me. I’ve been down that road before.

Just touching her hand energized me, and a hug here and there leaves me with a smile on my face for days. People have started to notice how I am around her, and sometimes I feel embarrassed for her…because I always try and treat her like the treasure that she is.

So that’s what I need to do….walk away, give her space to sort her life out…and settle for a friendship.

…….
……………………
……………………………………..
…………………………………………………..

No.
You know what…not this time.
I’m going to give everything I’ve got….
I’m going to fight for this girl….I deserve someone like her, and dammit she deserves someone like me.

The timing may not be right, and we both have our own lives to sort out, she may meet 100 guys between now and then, but there will be a then and I will not give up on her.

I’m going to enjoy my life for now, for those who come in and out of my life, and above all, I am going to live for those damn moments. We meet people at the exact time we are supposed to, and I’d like to believe this has started a string of events that will one day lead us to each other.

Kind regards
Love’s #1 Bitch

P.S….who is player 6?….dun dun dun