Archive for the ‘lists’ Category

“Every Office Has One” – 14 Clichéd Colleagues

May 10, 2012

If you’ve ever worked in an office, you’ve probably used a variation of the line, “It would be so perfect if it weren’t for just one person there…”

I’ve worked in at least 10 different office environments, in different industries, in my time and each and every place has had at least that one person who ruins your entire working experiences at that job because of their annoying habits.

I’d like to now pay tribute to those clichéd colleagues who we affectionately think back on as and say “Every office at least one…”

Of course, those of us who just have plain ol’bad luck can sometimes be subjected to individuals who have a rare combination of the below traits, but I guarantee you will come across someone you recognize here, no matter where you work.

With that, I’d like to present to you my Top 14 Countdown of clichéd colleagues.

14. The Name Dropper

I’m not even talking about a celebrity name dropper here…that would still be understandable to a point in an office environment. This type of name dropper is a far deadlier species…they are the kinds of person you will tell you all about Roger’s argument he had with the checkout employee at the local supermarket this weekend. Or about Betty’s decision to put her mom in a home during the Easter holidays. Who are Roger and Betty you may ask? Exactly. Name Droppers are presumptuous enough to tell us stories involving their friends who you don’t know from a bar of soap as if they were the cast of a well known tv sitcom, who we all should know.

13. The “Grey’s Anatomy” Chick

“OMG! Did you catch Grey’s last night! McDreamy was such a b@stard!”… A variation of this evening salvo is becoming a common problem in the work place these days. Before Peg from accounting has even put her handbag down in the morning, she is still fuming from last night’s drama, which no real drama can ever compare to. The Grey’s Anatomy Chick, may also be known as The Survivor Chick, and now also as The MasterChef Chick.

12. The Not As Funny As He Thinks He Is Guy

For every likeable prankster in the office, there is always his evil office twin, the douche bag comedian. His jokes are normally predetermined well in advance in case the moment ever arrives where he can use his “witty one liner” or bad pun. However, there is NEVER a right moment. In desperation, this comedian can often resort to a funny voices, and fart jokes to get a laugh out of people. His bag of material is paper thin, so expect him to recycle many of his jokes. WARNING: DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM with sympathy laughter.

11. The Pervert

There is sexual innuendo in everything for this guy. You could be making copies of the monthly financial report, and The Pervert would be like “So…you like …multiplying…don’t you?” The Pervert is also unable to stay focused on work for long periods of time, so if you need something done, get it done quick, before you suddenly have to “check the ass out on that one…If I just had 5 minutes alone with her!” And yes, The Pervert is often immune to any sort of office discipline (you like to be disciplined…don’t you), however, this should not stop you from lodging a complaint…the only draw back is that he will think you are playing hard to get. The Female version does exist, however they are rare, and often disguised as plus sized women.

10. The Mail Forwarder

Motivationals, K-Mart shoppers, Daily Horoscopes and the old favourite – “send this back to me…and 5 friends, and see your luck change” forwards are a clear indication you are on a mailing list you will never get off for the rest of your time at that particular job. The Mail Forwarder is smart, and strikes early, normally within you first week in your job. It will be too awkward to ask them not to include you and 2 years later, you will have no hope left. A typical South African forwarded will also include secret crime syndicate warnings that the police aren’t even aware of, Road Block warnings, and potential mass strike emails that are “inside information”.

9. Miss TMI

“You know, since I had my hysterectomy, my bladder seems to get infected at the drop of a hat.”. That’s right, Miss TMI (Too Much Information) has no boundaries. Her medical conditions are everyone’s business, and her desk drawers normally contain more prescription drugs than your local pharmacy. Her sex life will also be open for discussion whether you like it or not. As it will be discussed in great detail, never, ever, under any circumstances ask Miss TMI how she is doing…because she will tell you.

8. The Car Guy

Yes, The Fast & The Furious was an pretty awesome movie, but The Car Guy will also try and convince you that 2 Fast 2 Furious was just as epic. He spends his life upgrading and modifying his car, and never actually finishes it, but thankfully he keeps you updated throughout the entire process. The Car Guy, often has a flawless knowledge of sound systems, and knows a guy who knows a guy who can get you a good deal. The CG can often be found at illegal races, but would never actually compete in them, despite what he may tell you about blowing a gasket during his practice run the weekend before. The Car Guy, is also fond of using the F-Bomb in every sentence, especially when talking about police and authority figures.

7. The Story Repeater (also known as The Joke Stealer)

Ever had a colleague tell you an interesting story? And then a few days later tell you a story that sounds familiar? And then 2 weeks later tell you the same effing story for the 8th time! These people are sick and need our help. If they begin to tell you a repeat story, stop them immediately, you sanity may depend on it! These are the same people that repeat a joke or wise crack seconds after you say it as if it were their own!!

6. The Religious Nut

Jesus saves!…but Messi scores on the rebound. Seemingly, those darn Christians never find that funny. Every work place has at least one openly religious person you tells you that everything is the Lord’s will. If there is a tragedy, it’s God’s Will. If you are going through troubles, they will pray for you. If the vending machine takes your money…someone needed it more that you did. It is of course naturally assumed that you too are religious and believe in the same thing they do, so expect daily prayers and blessings, straight to you inbox.

5. The Know It All

The colleague who always feels the need to be involved in all conversations no matter the topic, and don’t let the fact that they know nothing about said topic stop them. They will give you incorrect movie titles, unfounded opinions on sports teams and their performances, or they will simply steal an opinion from someone they heard on the radio, or read on the internet, if it happens to be a topical issue that everyone is talking about, in an attempt to be relevant. The Know-It-All will also blatantly argue with incorrect facts even if you are an expert in a certain field.

4. The Personal Caller

There are two kinds of Personal Callers. The loud and proud version who openly spends her days on personal calls, letting the entire office know about her breakup, faulty purchases and doctors appointments. This kind of PC is not self aware and maybe need to be bought into the loop that she spends 4 hours a day on the phone. The second kind of PC is, the whisperer. They will only ever be seen listening to phone calls, with the receiver affixed to their ear. These are hard to report unless you are monitoring them with advanced military equipment…or have access to their phone bills. In rare cases you can come across a hybrid of these two types…a Super Caller if you will.

3. The “Have You Seen” Picture Lady

Not to be confused with The Name Dropper, this is the lady in the office that will show you every baby picture, wedding album and “wahoo”party picture relating to her, her family, her friends and anyone else who might of captured her awesomeness in a photo. She often doesn’t care about your opinion , just as long as you agree with her that it’s the most beautiful wedding ever, the cutest baby ever and the most awesome part ever….till the next one at least.

2. The “How Did They Get That Job?” Colleague

Their only job skill is endurance. How else would you explain how that moron got the position of Team Leader, Supervisor or Manager? They have zero problem solving skills, no backbone, and speak only in clichés. However, these are the same people that often own the nicest cars, and scarily, often have wives and kids.

1. The Cat Lady

Oh you know the type! Cat lady is the most famous of all the stereotypes, and she deserves no mercy. She can sometimes be a combination of the mail forwarder, sending you daily pics of cats in HIGHlarious scenarious….such as falling asleep on the keyboard kitty, surprised face kitty, and grumpy “this explains how I feel about work” kitty. If you happen to miss these emails, don’t worry, Cat Lady has all of them printed out and stuck around her cubicle for quick reference. She often also has a kitty as her Facebook profile pic.

So that’s my list…recognize yourself? If so, then take the shame!
I know for a fact there are tons of other clichés out there, so feel free to comment below and add your choices…

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The Zen of Burg – 10 Steps To A Happier Me (Part 2)

April 19, 2012

Right, so if you’ve read part 1, you will know what this part 2 is about 🙂

6. The New Me, Same as the Old Me

Over the years the most noticeable things to disappear from my life were my smile, my laugh and my self-confidence. Finding a picture of me smiling from the last 7 years is about as likely as finding gold in a hobo’s dentures. Over the last few months, all of those missing elements have begun to return. A lot of it can be credited to my new work colleagues who have a very similar sense of humour to me, and they truly bring out the old me that I know so many of my friends once knew. I laugh more, smile more, and have the confidence to be the person I really am again.

The me at home is VERY different to the me out in the real world, and for the longest time, the real me stayed at home permanently. I wasn’t fun to be around, I could barely hold conversation with people without getting annoyed to the point of wanting to drown them in a small shallow bucket. I’m at my best when I am funny and witty. I love to make people laugh and lighten the mood. That’s my gift. I make people feel good. When I couldn’t do that, I felt incomplete, and quite honestly worthless. Now I feel I can walk into a room and light it up again if need be. I walk with an air of confidence again, I take pride in the way I dress. It’s certainly not like this 24/7 , but now I don’t feel like the short fat kid who has to sit in the corner at the school dance anymore. I’m the short fat kid who asks the prom queen to dance again.

7. Live for the moments.

I am the KING of the big gesture, I used to do so many epic things for people (yes, girls), to try and win them over and convince them of my awesomeness, 99.9% of the time it backfired and I often didn’t get so much as a thank you. Yet I didn’t learn, I kept doing it, because I enjoyed doing those things, but selfishly I wanted something back from it, even if it was just a thank you. Those sort of things can be so draining to both your heart and soul. The easy answer was I was doing it for the wrong reasons, or so friends would always tell me, but then when the next “target” came along, I would commit the same foul.

Over the last few months, a light switch finally went off in my head that allowed me to admit that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. However, and this is a big however, so take note. This does not mean I should stop doing it. I ENJOY the big gestures, the work or research (called creeping these days), that goes into a big gift, or heartfelt gesture, so why should I stop doing it? No, instead, I need to change the reasons as to why I’m doing it. I no longer expect anything in return. I do it now because to simply make someone’s day is good enough for me. It makes me happy. Whether it be friends, a love interest or a complete stranger. I like to show that romance and magical moments still exist. Now I live for those moments. The moment of telling a beautiful girl in the elevator that she is in fact a beautiful girl, then simply walking away with no further interaction needed. Sending someone flowers, anonymously or otherwise, simply to make them smile knowing that someone made an effort for them that day.

So be warned, you may in fact be the recipient of a #BurgMoment… when you least expect it, something good could happen to you. You may get flowers, you may get your lunch bill paid for, you may have a clowns show up at your office, you may get invited to an all-expenses paid holiday. There are so few genuinely good moments in life, that sometimes you have to make your own. I notice everyone and I’m happy to say these moments have already started happening… so you could be next!

8. Don’t Give a Damn about People Opinions, But Stand Up For Yourself.

I’d always been “too nice”, too nice to rock the boat, too nice to complain, and too worried about what people might think about me, didn’t wanna embarrass myself you know. I had my pride. (This was always a very strange contraction to my outside appearance, with my tattoos, piercings and clothing, I always seemed to attract attention. I had an aura about me that drew people towards me). This effectively led to me being screwed over way too often and always coming out with the short end of the stick.

Then something changed. It might have been the 5 years in the music industry that hardened me, or maybe that was just part of it. But somewhere along the line I became a bonefide badass. You didn’t mess with me. If I am in the right, I will fight till the bitter end to make sure I come out the victor. Customer services and banks around the country know this better than anyone. I don’t accept cr@ppy service, I don’t accept being spoken down too, and I don’t allow people to be bullied. I stand up for those who feel they don’t have a voice anymore. I’m still learning the fine are of not going too far with making a point, and admittedly, sometimes I do push it too far, but I blame all the pent up aggression I have inside me. However, I’m glad I have hardened the eff up. And you know what? I have gotten more freebies, gift vouchers, apologies, and service than I have even had in my life. Score a point to the little guy.

9. Open to Trying New Things

I have always been so stuck in my ways. As much as a free spirit as I am, it takes a lot for me to break out of my own personal mould. It’s always been frustrating for people, because if my mind is made up, there is no changing it. Ok ok, let’s just cut to the chase, I will finally admit it. I am stubborn, fussy and hard to please….wow, I can actually hear about 400 people collectively saying “I told you so”. But I do admit it, and this is what has led to a lot of arguments with friends. Lately however, I have been so open to trying new things. Whether it’s something simple like a food I hate that I’ve never actually eaten, or maybe going out somewhere I don’t like with friends just to be with friends, or heck maybe even the reverse cowboy…I more than willing to entertain new things in my life. Maybe it’s something that comes with age, I’m not quite sure…all I know is that the way I’ve been living wasn’t making me happy. Of course I do all this within reason, it’s not like I’m living the life of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll now simply because being sXe wasn’t working for me, however I am now open to that cocktail on the beach in Hawaii or that beer in Germany…

10. I am Awesome.

To steal a catchphrase from The Miz. I am awesome, and I need to keep believing that to survive this crazy ride through the rest of my life. I’m a good person, and so proud of that, because there are very few of us left. In a world that is getter meaner and crueller by the day, it is us few white knights who need to keep the hope alive; the hope of something better out there, something good and caring.

I take this role very seriously; I like to bring hope to people but in an honest way. That has always been the purpose of this blog, and my life. I have seen it all and been through more, and it’s these life lessons that give others strength. There may be a touch of arrogance to what I say, buy my life has never really been my own, and I finally understand that. My experiences, the tragedy and the triumphs are given to me because I can handle them. I live my life openly, and this blog has never been shy of revealing things that most people are ashamed of, but I do it so that if just one person can relate to it, it’s been worth it. I’ve always seen myself as a person who comes into people’s lives when they need me the most. I offer comfort when others cannot. People tend to trust me and share their problems with me, which while overwhelming at times (especially when it’s not something I can physically help with), is something of an honour.

As my blog approaches that magical milestones of 100,000 views, I’d like to take this time to thank #TeamBurg old and new for supporting me, for loving me, for hating me, for having a reaction to what I say. I write because I feel I have something to say, and I always encourage you to do the same.

20 Things I Find Sexy

February 16, 2012

My last few blogs have been pretty darn serious, and thought now might be a good time to get back to the fun element of this blog.

It’s no secret it doesn’t take much to turn a guy on, and any guy who says otherwise is lying. However, we all have our favourite things we look out for, whether it be on a woman or guy. I don’t judge as we know. Maybe for some people it’s something someone does, or what they wear, heck it could even be something they say right?

Here’s my list of things that I find sexy, use it, don’t use it.

1. A pair of legs on a woman. DEAD SEXY. Of course I understand women can’t all have legs like Stacey Keibler, but I will always notice a legs on a woman first.

2. Dark Hair. On her head only of course….well, I can make exceptions.

3. Dark skin. Olive skinned woman or nicely toned Indian, South American women will forever be my weakness, of course this combined with the above Dark Hair = perfection.

4. Water. For some reason I find this the sexiest of all the elements. Taking a bath or shower with someone, getting caught in the rain, even a women drenched like a rat has a certain appeal. Anyone made love in water? I only know what I learned watching ShowGirls.

5. Tattoos on a woman. Kill me, kill me know. A bigger arm/shoulder tattoo is a bell ringer for me. Love that! Not so mad about tramp stamps and tribals though…so be warned, even I have boundries.

6. Athletic or sporty women are a big YES when it comes to sex appeal. As long as they are not the Serena Williams type, then I’m all for it. I like a girl who doesn’t play sports like a girly girl. And girl who supports my love of sports is a close second.

7. Pop Culture Geek. Love comics, movies, TV and such? well if you can hold a conversation about Zombies and know who the Green Arrow is, then its kismet.

8. Older women. Within reason.

9. Younger women. Within reason.

10. Girls who wear earphones. When someone walks past me or stands next to me in a lift wearing earphones, I can’t help but to watch them. Mouthing the words, or a slight reserved sway to the beat is sexy as hell.

11. Stripper Boots. Its a guy thing.

12. Bridges. Not sure where this came from, maybe its a movie thing, but walking on a bridge with a girl has such a peaceful element of sexy to it.

13. Holding hands. Especially on bridges. I find the simple act of holding hands sexy. The best way to test if there is electricity between two people.

14. Girl carrying coffee, like from a coffee place. Again, it could be a movie thing; it could be a New York thing, but it’s cetainly my thang.

15. School Uniform. Some people have the Princess Leia fantasy, or the nurse fantasy, but the uniform does it for me. You know what I love about school girls? I get older, they stay the same age. Yes they do, yes they do.

16. Class. Even to the point of being a snob. I find a classy woman the sexiest thing on earth. Cate Blanchett fits this mould nicely.

17. Accents. I think this is perhaps a more common one. Spanish/French/Italian/Australian/British all work for me. Even if it’s a fake one.

18. Shoulders. Like legs, a good pair of shoulder, and a woman who isn’t afraid to show them off is a sure thing.

19. Girls who wear t-shirts featuring rock bands from the 70s or 80s… and can actually name all the members in the band.

20. Other people’s wives.

What do you have on your list?

33 Things I Regret…

January 9, 2012

There’s a saying that goes something along the lines of “Don’t regret the things you have done, but rather the things you haven’t done”…which while stupid, is somewhat meant to say that one has the chance to do something they haven’t done if they have the courage…but as for the things you have done…well, I guess they will stick with you the rest of your life.

I often say that if I had the chance to live my life again I wouldn’t do anything different…that’s true to a point, because it has in truth made me who I am today…plus given me a boat load of content for these blogs.

However, there are many moments I would choose to relive. Certain decisions I’d make differently. Perhaps even people I would chose not to let into my life…

So with that, I’d like to present to you 33 such moments in my life…and of course, these are as brutally honest as you’d expect.

They are in no particular order, but rather presented as they come to mind.

1. I should never have cancelled my trip to NYC in 2010 for the reasons I did.

2. I should never have left my job at Heat/FHM magazine.

3. I should never have sold my World Cup final tickets.

4. I would never have convinced my Grade 12 science teacher that she lost my project when in fact I never handed it in.

5. I should of tried harder to keep my friend Ray’s friendship even though she chose to stop being friends. I miss her tremendously.

6. I would of spoken to my friend Paula the day I saw her in the post office many many years ago, instead of thinking she probably didn’t wanna speak to me.

7. I would never bought an expensive birthday gift for a girl named Vicki.

8. I should never have believed people when they said they had big plans for me, and followed my own instinct instead.

9. I would never have made that 8k bet on Leeds United because I had nothing else to do with that money.

10. I would never have sold my Evil Dead 1&2 replica Book of the Dead dvd box sets.

11. I should of made it to Rory & Rox’s wedding despite my own family drama.

12. I should of gotten my health sorted out before my Medical Aid was cancelled.

13. I should of fought back against those two guys who hijacked me.

14. I should never have wished my brother lost a race…I never had to chance to say sorry.

15. I would have kissed Katherine that day behind the school building.

16. I would never have pursued a girl named Lori.

17. I would never have gone to THAT Christmas party.

18. I should have stuck it out and done that school play with Damien. I had zero self confidence and felt I let him down.

19. I should not have let that damn tattoo artist tattoo the Roman numeral “V” on my leg while he was sorting out his divorce over the phone.

20. I would have apologized to my friend Charis when I accidentally hit her in the face with my school bag instead of acting like “it wasn’t that bad, get over it”.

21. I wish I didn’t cry like a baby the night I was announce as Head Boy.

22. I would of never organized World Cup final tickets for the girl who used my trust as a stepping stone.

23. I should not have used my data bundle in December to download “albino porn”.

24. I should of made the effort to go to one of Simone’s reviews.

25. I should of asked Jamie Lee Curtis for a photo that day in New York.

26. I should never have shop lifted that marble from Clicks in 1989.

27. I should never have left my friend Len stranded while I sorted out my own drama.

28. I would have admitted I broke the bathroom tap at a family member’s house.

29. I should of joined a tennis club when I was younger.

30. I would never have let former colleagues get away with the way they spoke and/or treated me.

31. I should never have cut up my old wrestling magazine to get pictures for my scrapbook

32. I would never have ignored my cousin Michael while I tried to sort out my own problems, my word to him should of come first.

33. I should never have had that ham & jalapeno sandwich before I wrote this blog.

Well, that’s it, a regret for every year I’ve been alive…that’s some heavy baggage right there!

50 Primary School Memories – Especially for my BAPS clique

July 7, 2011

A while back i wrote a blog called ” A Burg Never Forgets, where i looked back at 50 childhood memories. What proved most popular was the memories from Primary School. Birch Acres Primary School in fact. It was the best time of our lives. I would like to revisit it here…the first 23 items are taken directly from that previous blog for those who missed it, and then i’ve added a bunch more…I guess this really is for that group of us that remember those days…I hope some of the below things stir up some memories (mostly good!).

Birch Acres is, the dearest name
The School that we love best.
We learn to work, with zeal and zest
and strive to do our best…
(ok it went something like that)

1) In grade two, we went to the zoo on a field trip. A group of us got hidings from Miss Du Plessis for stretching too far over the crocodile wall.
2) A bunch of friends once rode to my house on their bicycles, one of them called out “shaunie, fatty, come out and play”…my mom raced ahead of me a ripped into the kid and proceeded to tell him how fat his whole family was. I didn’t get to play with them.
3) I won our church fundraiser darts competition when I was just 12. I beat out the adults too.
4) I fell off the goal posts and broke my arm in std 5. I hid it for a few days, but when I had to glue a project together in class, everyone found out.
5 ) The opening line to my headboy speech in Std 5 was “Where we are going, we will no longer be a Big fish in a small pond, we will now be small fishes in big ponds”
6) During our Cape Town tour of 1990, I bought a nudie pen. You know the one you turn upside down the clothes fall off the girl on the pen. I sold it before the tour ended.
7) On the first day of that same tour, some kid through my old buck gin hat into the toilet. It was so embarassing I didn’t wear it for the rest of the tour.
8) My first best friend was named Ryan.
9) In std 1, I took gift bags to school for my birthday. My mom made me give the girls she didn’t like the worst toys. I remember having to give someone a …thimble.)
10) When I was named headboy in primary school, I got kisses from all the previous year’s female heads and deputy heads. Older women score!
11) In std5 we made perspex knives. Why I have no idea.
12) In Std 1, I earning praise from my teacher Mrs Holgate because I knew that Margaret Thatcher was called The Iron Lady.
13) The guy who first got me interested in my lifelong love for tennis was a guy named Stephen Budge. Possibly related to Don Budge.
14) One of our end of terms movies during primary school was The Secret of Nimh
15) We once had a fun fair at our primary school. I got sick on the spinning teacups because I had a whole packet of sherbet before I went on.
16) There was nothing better than spaghetti bolognaise from the tuck shop in primary school.
17) During leadership camp in Std 4, the song we all had to rehearse to was “We all stand together” …also known as the frog song.
18) At that same leadership camp, a boy named stephen snuck a drag off a teachers cigarette when he left it balancing on a chair.
19) I cried like a baby when I was announced as head boy. A guy named Allan asked me a few weeks later if I cried because my dad wasn’t there or if I was happy. To this day I still don’t know the answer.
20) At a birthday party I won a dance competition. It was legit judging too, because the host’s older sister and her friends judged. Older women score #2!
21) I was the tins in the bin champion for 2 years running. Tins in the bin is exactly was it sounds like.
22) In std 5 we once has to wear togas to a roman theme function. I flashed two girls. I know who they are, but I’m sure they don’t remember. Guess I made zero impression!
23) I got punched in the face by a bully from a visiting school in 1991. I didn’t drop…but I did take a martial arts stance immediately afterwards ….even though I never had a single lesson.
24) During night time functions, a few of use head prefects and prefect would disappear behind the school (close to the netball courts) and make out behind the building. I strangely always volunteered to be the lookout.
25) My friend David and I completed the longest long division sum known to man mind.
26) I was once so sick with hepatitis that I threw up on the corridor
27) We use to do crazy stuff like try and jump as many stairs as possible, or swing from the roof and try and catch onto the next roof railing
28) We once had “tunnel of horror” underneath our school stage during a fete one year. I scare a kid with a werewolf mask and she kicked me in the shins.
29) A guy named Richard once brought a nudie mag to school. Best. Day. Ever.
30) One day I didn’t do my homework and the teacher got made with me and asked me why. I simply said “because my dad died last night”. He came and picked me up and carried me to the office while I wept like a baby.
31) There was this other guy named Richard who always used to threaten to jump off the balcony whenever he was in a bad mood or someone teased him.
32) We used to get Yo Yo experts and mini soccer ball experts come to a display for us, then every one would try and do tricks for like the next month.
33) My friend Ryan’s mom had the coolest job in the world. She used to work for Beacon sweets, and he’d always bring the most amazing sweets to school.
34) King Stingers used to be the most awesome lunch time sport ever.
35) We all went to Gold Reef City once, but I don’t seem to remember much working. I did fall off a Penny Farthing though.
36) My cousin came to our school for about a year. During our sports day, we were so busy talking we didn’t hear the gun go off for our race, and when the told us, we just started running on the side lines.
37) Happy Acres was the most fun ever.
38) There was an awesome game the boys played, I forget the name, where we used to try kick each other’s feet, and if connected the guy was out, if you missed you had to stay in that stance. It was all very technical.
39) There were only two mail Library prefects in Std 4. I was one of them. I loved the library.
40) I used to love high jump practice, shot put, and long jump.
41) Marbles was a huge craze for us, and we used to try knock down pyramids, play eyenies and all sorts of bizarre games…schoolyard rules applied.
42) I still have the book prizes I won, they were the most awesome books ever.
43) I used to hate choir practice, but always loved the school plays. I of course played a wrestler one year. I wore a speedo and painted my face like The Ultimate Warriors
44) Sometimes the most fun you could have was just rolling down the embankments.
45) A guy named Scott was on TV in the advert for the opening of Pick n Pay Steeledale, he road up to the empty warehouse on his bicycle. Everyone thought he was cool after that.
46) The aforementioned guy named David had he parents appear on a game show called Telly Fun Quiz…
47) Sometimes at break I would play Gummy Bears with Paula and JoAnne and we’d bounce around like gummy bears.
48) In grade one there was a cute girl with the longest blonde hair id ever seen, and she had thoroughbred shaggy dogs…I wonder what ever happened to her…anyone remember the name?
49) The best part of being a prefect was getting to sit on the chair on the side of the hall or outside while assembly was going on.
50) I still see my primary school friends as the best friends I ever had. There was something magical about our year and the year before us.

and a special mention to when the school nurse used to visit and the boys and girls were seperated and sent to the sick room. We had to strip down to our underwear, and turn and cough.

*awkward silence*

A Burg Never Forgets

April 7, 2011

I’ve always been cursed (blessed) with having a ridiculously good memory.

I retain EVERYTHING…sure its good for trivia and movie facts, but it also means I relive everything as if it was yesterday but simply thinking about it. This is particularly hard when it comes to bad memories.

I’m always so amazed when I talk to friends and say “hey remember that time…” And they often reply with “mmm. No I don’t”. Or worse yet, they think they do and proceed to give completely the wrong account of the incident.

Since I’ve been on a “making lists” train as of late, I thought I’d share with you 50 obscure memories of my childhood.

1) The first word I was able to read was “hi-fi”…it was in a newspaper.
2) The movie on TV the day my brother died was Top Gun. The night before was Moscow On The Hudson.
3) In grade two, we went to the zoo on a field trip. A group of us got hidings from Miss Du Plessis for stretching too far over the crocodile wall.
4) A bunch of friends once rode to my house on their bicycles, one of them called out “shaunie, fatty, come out and play”…my mom raced ahead of me a ripped into the kid and proceeded to tell him how fat his whole family was. I didn’t get to play with them.
5) I won our church fundraiser darts competition when I was just 12. I beat out the adults too.
6) The first book I bought with my own pocket money was the book adaptation of Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome
7) I fell off the goal posts and broke my arm in std 5. I hid it for a few days, but when I had to glue a project together in class, everyone found out.
8 ) The opening line to my headboy speech in Std 5 was “Where we are going, we will no longer be a Big fish in a small pond, we will now be small fishes in big ponds”
9) During our Cape Town tour of 1990, I bought a nudie pen. You know the one you turn upside down the clothes fall off the girl on the pen. I sold it before the tour ended.
10) On the first day of that same tour, some kid through my old buck gin hat into the toilet. It was so embarassing I didn’t wear it for the rest of the tour.
11) My first best friend was named Ryan.
12) In std 1, I took gift bags to school for my birthday. My mom made me give the girls she didn’t like the worst toys. I remember having to give someone a …thimble.
13) During school holidays I would move my mattress to the lounge and watch Ghostbusters at midnight.
14) I once had a Tarzan doll. I rolled over it one night while sleeping and broke it.
15) My late uncle bought me a comic book to cheer me up after my brother’s death – Captain Atom issue #19
16) When I was named headboy in primary school, I got kisses from all the previous year’s female heads and deputy heads. Older women score!
17) In std5 we made perspex knives. Why I have no idea.
18) The first time I had a wet dream was after I saw The Doors…lotsa nekkidness there!
19) The first valentines day card I got in grade 1 was from a girl named Natalie. The last one I got was in std 6 from a girl named Lauren.
20) In Std 1, I earning praise from my teacher Mrs Holgate because I knew that Margaret Thatcher was called The Iron Lady.
21) I had a hampster named Flash. He could read. My mom left him out in the sun and he died. It was the first time my heart broke.
22) In 1990 I begged my brother to let me take his soccer ball to school. My mom made him say yes. That afternoon it was stolen from outside the library. I got a whippin at home.
23) When I got my first A+ in high school (for accounting no less), my mom bought me Terminator 2 on VHS.
24) I bought a scrooge Mcduck stained glass ornament and a dennis the menace puzzle at a school jumble sale in 1988.
25) In Std 6 I did the most awesome project on dracula and horror icons.
26) The guy who first got me interested in my lifelong love for tennis was a guy named Stephen Budge. Possibly related to Don Budge.
27) I bought a toy from the tv show Popples, but kept it hidden because my dad thought it was too girly.
28) Every birthday I would rent either the friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm street movies.
29) One of our end of terms movies during primary school was The Secret of Nimh
30) We once had a fun fair at our primary school. I got sick on the spinning teacups because I had a whole packet of sherbet before I went on.
31) The first song I slow danced to was “sacrifice” by Elton John.
32) The first person I spoke to on the first day of High School was a guy named Ronald. Don’t think we spoke much after that.
33) There was nothing better than spaghetti bolognaise from the tuck shop in primary school.
34) After our school athletics day in 1989, we stopped at the shop and bought six pack of Jumping Jack cooldrink. Tutti Frutti flavour.
35) KTV premiered Dino Riders at 4pm on my 10th birthday.
36) When a girl named louise had her birthday party, we watched Disney’s Alice in Wonderland.
37) During leadership camp in Std 4, the song we all had to rehearse to was “We all stand together” …also known as the frog song.
38) At that same leadership camp, a boy named stephen snuck a drag off a teachers cigarette when he left it balancing on a chair.
39) My first ever “date” was to the ice rink.
40) The first time I went to Sun City was 1991. The movie on the TV was Fletch. It was stuck in a loop and I saw the first 20 minutes six times.
41) I used to have Street Hawk pyjamas, and a Bionic Six bed spread.
42) I cried like a baby when I was announced as head boy. A guy named Allan asked me a few weeks later if I cried because my dad wasn’t there or if I was happy. To this day I still don’t know the answer.
43) At a birthday party I won a dance competition. It was legit judging too, because the host’s older sister and her friends judged. Older women score #2!
44) The last cassette tape I bought was the Jurassic Park soundtrack.
45) I was the tins in the bin champion for 2 years running. Tins in the bin is exactly was it sounds like.
46) With my first ever school holiday job, I used the paycheck to by the Empire Records soundtrack.
47) The first time my name was in the paper was in the Sunday Times magazine for winning a hamper of horror balls.
48) In std 5 we once has to wear togas to a roman theme function. I flashed two girls. I know who they are, but I’m sure they don’t remember. Guess I made zero impression!
49) I got punched in the face by a bully from a visiting school in 1991. I didn’t drop…but I did take a martial arts stance immediately afterwards ….even though I never had a single lesson.
50) The last thing my dad and I ever watched together was the Royal Rumble 1989. He died a few hours after that.

Can you remember obscure things from your childhood? Or have you hidden them away?

A Dummy’s Guide To Burg: 100 Facts about Me (2011 edition)

April 1, 2011

There once was this girl I liked. I knew nothing about her really…except that she worked in an arms and ammo shop in the shopping center I first saw her. My attempts at flirting with her were initially sweet and charming, but I think the minute she realized I was serious, quickly changed her mind and said she knew nothing about me, and then suddenly she had a boyfriend.

Neither of which deterred me, and my solution to problem “A” was to write down a list of 100 facts about myself and then present it to her…Seeing as though I’m still single, it obviously didn’t make much of an impact.

I’d actually like to revisit that list now. A lot has changed. Some not so much. But maybe this will become a Dummy’s Guide To Burg.

1) I still live with my mom as I take care of her. People never understand why.
2) My dad died when I was 11.
3) My older brother killed himself a year after that.
4) I never had a childhood and missed out on so much socializing. I feel bitter about that sometimes.
5) I have a very very very high IQ…but for years have had to show patience when dealing with others.
6) I have the patience of a saint.
7) I sometimes pretend like I don’t know something in order for someone else to answer a question.
8 ) I hate warm/hot weather and prefer cold and rain.
9) I still eat with my baby fork.
10) I can’t sleep/nap unless my feet are covered.

11) I am straight edged. Don’t drink, smoke or swear…and never have once in my life.
12) I don’t believe in religion, but don’t believe anyone has the right to say their beliefs are the only correct beliefs. Wish more people would think that way.
13) I am an insomniac.
14) I worked in call centers doing technical support for 8yrs.
15) I am diabetic
16) I have been in 5 movies as an actor. 2 of them feature films. 1 has had a cinematic release.
17) I hosted a tv show once a week for 2yrs.
18) My favourite sport is tennis. I have a good knowledge of records and history.
19) Lord of the Rings is my favourite movies of all time.
20) I have a massive Johnny Cash music collection.

21) I have never been in a real relationship. Except for that one English period in high school.
22) I lost my virginity when I was 29.
23) That was my only time.
24) I am attracted to exotic woman. Namely indian and asian.
25) I don’t believe in marriage, but would reconsider it for the right person.
26) I hate the phone.
27) Even though I don’t drink, I collect shot glasses. I always ask someone to bring me back one if they traveling overseas.
28) I am a die hard WWE fan, and am undoubtedly the most knowledgeable person in South Africa on it.
29) I collect trading cards. And sometimes trade with colleague’s sons.
30) I love reading, and buy books to store in my library till I feel like reading them one day.

31) I almost never return calls.
32) I am a ridiculously good poker player, but I only learned how to play a few years ago.
33) I am a Liverpool supporter.
34) I love musicals, as long as they are movies and tv shows.
35) I’ve never been to the theatre.
36) I have unbelievably quick reflexes.
37) I see “things”…some may call them spirits.
38) I am a trekkie.
39) I am a brilliant ten pin bowler, and could have taken it more seriously.
40) I have 7 tattoos. Each has a very personal meaning.

41) I have a dog. He does not have a name.
42) I collect movie merchandise and action figures (which I never open)
43) My all time favourite band is Aerosmith.
44) I love Bollywood movies.
45) I know I am a phenomenal writer, but lose faith in myself quickly.
46) I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But 3 strikes and you’re out.
47) My favourite actor is Johnny Depp.
48) I’m very athletic, and despite my size and weight surprise people.
49) I used to write my own comic books as a kid.
50) I have a cat. His name is Rang’a because he is a ginger cat.

51) I strangely still trust my primary school friends, even though I haven’t seen some of them in almost 20yrs
52) I’m the best person to have in a crisis situation.
53) I had a cancer scare last year.
54) I don’t have a best friend.
55) I have a hatred for the country I live in. This upsets a lot of people who don’t understand why. They also don’t get it if I explain.
56) I enjoy reading autobiographies.
57) I am on twitter @theburg
58) I’m the guy everyone opens up to about their problems. I take this as a compliment, but at times its too heavy a burden.
59) I don’t own my own car.
60) I am a coffee connoisseur.

61) I’ve developed a fear of crowds.
62) My favourite food is seafood. Throw it into a pasta, and I’m yours.
63) I broken my arm and ankle in my life.
64) I have a passion for old TV shows, especially old cop shows from the 70s and 80s.
65) I loathe practical jokes and prank phone calls.
66) I collect PEZ dispensers.
67) The last time I had any sort of physical “contact” with a girl was almost 4 years ago.
68) I have a weird need to buy plush toys if they ask me to.
69) When I like a girl I don’t see her in terms of her age, race, or religion, this almost always works against me.
70) I like old skool Disney movies.

71) Pam Grier was my first “african crush”.
72) I listen to most all music…yet cannot tolerate dance music.
73) I wish I had someone to talk to about my “day”.
74) I’m not afraid of anything in life anymore….well except for heights.
75) My radio station of choice is Lotus FM.
76) I have a dvd collection of over 3000.
77) The crime I hate the most is theft.
78) I have vertigo.
79) I do my best thinking when I drive.
80) I enjoy having milkshakes with people, but that hardly ever happens.

81) I am fascinated by Egyptology. I’m not sure if that’s an actual term though.
82) My top 5 wrestlers of all time are: Kurt Angle, Bret Hart, Mr Perfect Curt Hennig, Randy “Macho Man” Savage and Hulk Hogan.
83) When I was a kid, I had an alter ego of “Pencil Man”, I made my own costume and had an entire backstory.
84) If I go to the cinema, I always go to the late show so that I’m alone.
85) My all time favourite comedy is the British “The Office”.
86) Big bugs or masses of insects freak me out.
87) I secretly love cooking shows
88) I’m a VERY good dancer, but hardly ever dance.
89) I am observant to the world.
90) I have had a work crush at all my jobs.

91) I am unbelievably lucky in competitions.
92) I am equally unlucky in life.
93) I find something attractive in most all women. With a few exceptions.
94) Wes Anderson is my favourite film maker.
95) Gays guys are often attracted to me. I take it as a compliment.
96) I believe if you like someone, you should tell them.
97) I hate people who comment in the forums of online stories/columns. They are for the most part mean idiots without a backbone.
98) I don’t think ill ever be a parent, but I’m open to the possibility.
99) I am a romantic, and believe in the “epic gesture”…just like hollywood showed me.
100) I will live in New York one day. In fact, I started growing my beard on the day I got hijacked (july 15th 2010) and won’t shave it off till the day I arrive in NYC. Its now 16cm long.

So that’s its…feel like you know me better? Or did you just suffer a case of TMI.

The List Guys Don’t Want Ladies To Know Exists!

March 27, 2011

What I’m about to reveal may result in getting me banned from any “guy meetings” that may take place in the world for the rest of my existence.

However, it is something that women have always suspected existed, and now like a magician who has been kicked out of the alliance…I shall reveal all.

The other night I went out. A rare occurrence for me these days, however it was to something I was looking forward to, so there was no chance I was going to cancel, or come up with some lame excuse like I usually do.

Instead, I said yes, I’d be there, with bells on, or in this case…with a plus one.

The idea of a plus one, is an age old tradition that brings a man like me to his knees. Whether it be concerts, movies, weddings, work functions or simply a friend’s dinner, a plus one is the ultimate firestarter for an overthinker.

Anyways, back to Friday’s outing. It was to a movie preview. Simple in concept, and easily where I’m at my most charming and impressive. The evening called for a partner who would a) appreciate the movie b) appreciate that we are there to see a movie and c) be able to have an opinion afterwards that I’d actually want to hear.

Let’s fast forward to my plus one for the night. It ended up being an old military buddy (not really, but work was hell back in those days), he’s a good friend who has similar interests as me, so we enjoyed ourselves and constructively discussed the movie afterwards. Perfect.

Now comes the big reveal. He was not my first choice. (and he knows this because he knows the rules and plays by them too.)

You see, in order for him to have come to movie with me, I first had to make my way through the list, and IF nobody on that list was able to make it, by default, he was in.

The list is one which guys don’t want you to know exists.

For the safety of any guys out there, I will from hereon out refer to “we” as “I”.

I have a list. And every time I go out, or have a function coming up that gives me the chance to ask someone out, I consult this list.

The list is normally, but not limited to, comprised of five women I am very interested in.

There is always a definite #1 on the list, the hottest, and most appealing of all the women, who I will ALWAYS ask first. In the slim hope that she is free that night. 90% of the time she isn’t, because come on…she’s WAY outta my league, but there’s always that 10% chance she says yes, and boy, when she does, it doesn’t matter if we’re going to a wedding or a funeral, the fact that she is with me makes everything else seem inconsequential.

#2 on the list is general a woman that I really like, and at times thought she might even like me too, but since she always has a new boyfriend of the month, you never quite know if there will every be anything…but there’s no way you’re taking her off the list.

#3 is often the newest person on your list. She is someone you may have been out with once or twice. There is however, a distinct possibility that you may have in fact never even met her in person! I have two of those at the moment. One is in Cape Town, and the other one here in Johannesburg. I will always be waiting for just the right thing to ask them too.

#4 is normally the person I’ve known the longest. She tends to have already put you in the friends zone. You refuse to believe that the door is totally closed on a relationship, and live in the hope that she will one day decide to say what the hell and give it chance. Every now and again I make this friendship awkward by flirting a little too much.

# 5 is the most reliable of the lot, she is normally “ok” looking, and you get along great, and for so many reasons you could easily be with her on a more …full time basis…but, truth of the matter is, she’s not numbers 1-4.

The hard and fast rule of asking someone on the list out is that you NEVER extend the invite to more than one person at a time.

You always ask #1 first, and you don’t, under any circumstances ask another person until she has absolutely said no. Sometimes however, this may result in her only finally saying no about an hour before the event starts, which normally results in you going straight to #5 on the list and missing out on the other girls.

If #5 is not suddenly willing to drop what she’s doing and get ready…well, then you’ve always got your guy friends to fall back on.

So when I post a message on my facebook status, about how I have a ticket to this or that, yes, I am often directing it to those five in the hope that one of them makes my job easier, because I’m actually too scared of getting rejected by EVERYONE on the list.

The actual girls on the list can change, but the reasons they are on the list often don’t.

Mmm…I wonder if I should name and shame the 5 on my list …I’ll tell you this much…there are ALL Burgie award winners and nominees…

For the record, if I don’t post a blog again, its because there has been a bounty put on my head by the male species…

Alone vs Lonely – A Burg’s Definition

March 21, 2011

One of the easiest ways to turn a conversation tense, is when I start discussing how lonely it is being alone, especially with a member of the female race.

Her definition of being alone is always girl-power centric. Perhaps a reflex defense mechanism to prevent me from asking her out, she is quick to state that she is so much happier being alone than having to explain her ways to some overprotective jealous boyfriend. Of course, within a couple of weeks she has found herself a new overprotective jealous boyfriend.

I’ve been alone most all of my life. I don’t say that as a sort of “woe is me” statement, but rather as a life fact. We’ve delved into my personal history enough of the last few months to prove this, and won’t go down that road today.

Having grown used to being alone, one adapts. Through the years, I’ve had to make do with being the only child (through circumstance), the one guy who doesn’t fit into a clique, and of course being a likeable guy with an amazing personality (read: too nice a guy to get into a relationship with).

What follows now, is my definitions of being alone vs being lonely.

Of course the internet, and now subsequently Social Networks have been a double edged sword when it comes to being alone and lonely, but hey, at least they’ve ironically brought you to this blog.

Shopping
—————————
Being alone has its perks. For instance, it’s easy to go grocery shopping. You don’t need to squabble over different name brands when it comes to toothpaste, air freshener or butter vs margarine.

Being lonely however, results in a much higher monthly expense bill. Over the years, I’ve found myself buying things like dart boards, a pool table and board games, in the hope that just in case I do in fact have someone over who happens to know how to play any of these games.

Staying In

——————-
Being alone is a great way to avoid smoky clubs, loud music and arguments over whether to rent Bridget Jones Diary, or buy the latest Steven Seagal movie on Bluray. Dinner is also a pleasure, because in being alone, a packet of Big Korn Bites does truly qualify as a meal.

Being lonely however results in way too many hands of Solitaire – with real cards. You tend to miss almost all of your shows on TV because of constant channel surfing. Friday night porn just becomes another show with way too many ads.

Going Out
—————————-

Being alone is a blessing when going to the cinema ie. Viewers choice! Going out for a meal, whilst somewhat sad, means that there is nobody to pick on your plate instead of eating what they ordered for themselves.

Being lonely makes going to the drive in somewhat pathetic. Going to a concert highlights the fact that you’re the only person out of 10,000 people who is not there with someone.

Work
———————–

Being alone is productive. You get more work done that most of the other staff combined.

Being lonely is noticeable when you’re the only one who attended work Xmas parties alone, year after years, after year, after year. People tend to notice you are the only person who never gets private calls, not even on your mobile phone.

Online
————————-

Being alone is great, as you don’t have to quickly close your laptop to prevent anyone from seeing what you’re watching online. You have full permission to instant message anyone of the opposite sex and you can shop alone till you’re credit card is finally rejected.

Being lonely online makes you come across as need, attention hungry and somewhat creepy. Fueling you with the desire to explain yourself in a blog of some sorts…

So…which one are you? Alone or Lonely?

I definitely started my life off as alone…but I’ve undoubtedly succumbed to being lonely.

The Burgies: And the Winner is…(Part 2)

March 13, 2011

Welcome back to the 1st Annual Burg’s World Awards, it’s been a ceremony filled with celebrities and emotions. But we’re not done yet folks…so please welcome your next guest presenter…Jack Black!

Jack Black – “Alriiiight. So…the Burgies huh…its like being at the Rock n Roll hall of fame…you know…without the Rock…and there’s no actuall hall…and nobody here is really famous…I don’t really know any of these people here tonight…but Hey We Could Actually Be Good Friends If We Hung Out More… Not That We Will Award

Ashley Kleyhans – A man who like me, speaks his mind and expresses his opinion. We didn’t really know each other THAT well during our working together days, and truth be told I was probably a little intimidated by you. We have grown to become good friends who have a lot of mutual interests, and I thank you for taking the time and effort to engage in conversation and debate with me so often.

Warren Harding – Forget Tiger bloog…we have Puma blood. Someone I always got along with and enjoying spending time with. I’m glad we chat as much as we do now, and I hope we get to catch up when I’m next down in CT. A true gentleman.

Thamashni Naidoo – We only just scraped the surface of our friendship, but it felt like it was over before it began. Which is such a pity because I will always have that “What If…” feeling when thinking about you.

Jay Cee – Perhaps its your love of classic TV like me that earns you a nomination, but I think we have deeper understanding of each other as you know part of my live a lot of people never got to see. The tragedy that bonds us is something that bonds us.

Talita Mostert – If it wasn’t for that silly time difference…and the fact that you live on a different continent, I have no doubt we would be better friends. I hope that one day we get too see each other again, because you truly are one of the sweetest people I know.

And…the winner is …Warren Harding!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome to the stage your next host…Woody Allen.

Woody Allen – “Good evening everyone *adjusts glasses*…all these nominees are truly *adjusts glasses* capable of being world glass talents. Which is rare in Hollywood *adjusts glasses* as none of them are Jewish*. This is the Let’s Make a Movie Together Award

Jordan Shade – We had such great chemistry during our time together, and my greatest regret is that we only made a short film together…we need to expand to full feature sir. An accomplished actor who deserves more attention.

Roland Gaspar – Firstly, a hearty congrats on your wedding this weekend. Secondly…We need just one more film to complete our trilogy. Let’s make it happen. Slam Bang thank you mam.

Dan Ger Mac – This guy is so talented it’s scary. We need to work together soon. We have been promising it for years now, but our common love for Wes Anderson must stand for something in this crazy world…

Morne Du Toit – Whatever happened to this guy…I joke I joke…he’s doing more work than I could ever hope for. Another man I need to complete a trilogy with. Co-star and director…we need our third.

Sheetal Magan – Another true talent who needs a chance to shine. I wholeheartedly believe she will do something life changing in this world…I can only hope I will be part of it in some way.

And, the winner is…Dan Ger Mac!!!

*ad break*

*musical number

*ad break*

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome…Miley Cryus!

Miley Cyrus – “Hi ya’ll. I’m sure you’d all agree that tonight’s awards have been pretty cool. Wouldn’tcha? I’m here to present the In A Different Time, A Different Place, A Different World Award, and just a note to the winner…trust me…ya’ll really can have the best of both worlds!”

Romi Moondi – My muse. Pure and simple. This northern light is the only person on this planet who can pull me out a writer’s block with a simple word. For me, she is perfection. Beautiful and talented.

Paula Fehrsen – As I mentioned, a primary school friend. My greatest regret was in 1992, not being brave enough to come up and speak to you at the post office the year after we parted ways. I was at a low self confidence point. Two decades later I see you happily married with a beautiful child. I sometimes feel selfishly sad that its not me, but for the most part I’m happy that YOU’RE happy.

Leigh Lobotomy – If only I was a little cooler. That’s the truth. I get intimidated by the life you lead because I fear I would get eaten alive. I like to watch from a far I guess. I wish you nothing but happiness because you deserve the life that you want.

Kimberly Lloyd – An award winner already tonight, Ms Lloyd is my one and only Colt. I wish I was there, and more of a bad boy 😉 We have miles to go before we sleep though, I can promise you that!

Simon Williamson – If I swung that way, dude you would be my perfect choice. Sports mad, an amazing writer who is sharp as a tack and not afraid of controversies. Sign me up sailor!

And, the winner is…wow… we have a tie! Romi Moondi and Leigh Lobotomy!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome the one, the only….The cast of Friends!

Jennifer Anniston – “you know guys..i’m glad we were all able to have career after friends ended…I mean I had a number 1 movie”
Matt LeBlanc – “I’ve got a critically acclaimed new show called Episodes”
David Schwimmer – “…um..i got married”
Courtney Cox – “And I got separated”
Lisa Kudrow – “uh…you guys are all so successful, now I’m jealous!”
Matthew Perry – “Hey come now guys…Didn’t We Used to Be better friends than This?”

Brett Schewitz – I hope the fact that I told you I stopped following you on twitter hasn’t ruined our friendship. We are better than that. I know you’re a busy guy now, but time difference aside, I hope we chat again soon…

Claire Ullyett – An old school friend, and old colleague…we’ve seen a lot in our time, and truth me told, I don’t know nearly enough about your life and what you’re up to these days. I should have been a better friend.

Benita Enoch – And up and down friendship that has finally reached some sort of calm and understanding, our heated chats became more loving as time went by. I miss sharing things with you and hearing how your life and love is progressing.

Paul & Angelique Elliott – Two of my closest friends. I always feel somewhat guilty that I let you guys down during my downward spiral. There were times I felt ashamed of myself and couldn’t hang out with you because of that. I’m angry that I haven’t even seen your bouncing boy yet…I do hope I get enough energy back in my life to make a better effort to be your friend again.

Nabila Esat – I feel like we only friends when both of us are single. Am I wrong? I hope that it’s just me being paranoid, but I’m normally right about this things. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You have grown from a girl into a beautiful woman.

And, the winner is…Paul & Angelique Elliott!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome back… Charlie Sheen!

Charlie Sheen – “That’s right trolls I’m back! Every Warlock needs a good assistant who does everything for him…just like i did for that troll John Cryer on the set of Two and a Half Men, and what he didn’t appreciate was that Effort Goes A Long Way In My Book Award

Kayan Amira Leung – That smile could melt even the coldest of hearts, and at times mine is the coldest of the cold. While most people take my moods and just being moods, this lady is an absolute sweetheart, who has done what few people have ever done. Found my address and come to visit me with a box of muffins! (the doorway too my heart as we know)

Simone Ka-Ling Ho – A Burgies award winner already tonight. From the days of The Burgs Eye View Website and ICQ, this classy lady has stuck with me for longer than most people can tolerate. And now when I think books…I think you.

Susanne Weber – If im interested in something…she’s makes the effort to learn about it, do the research and be able to relate. She never pretends, she never makes excuses. She’s became such a regular in my life that I actually feel a bit empty when she’s not commenting or discussing something I’ve posted online!

Warren Harding – Showing a genuine interest in my life and the things I do. This is the guy who kept my farewell email sent out almost 6 years ago! I appreciate each and every minute you talk just to say “dude ‘sup”.

Russel Pieters – A Burgie award winner tonight already. I’m not really one to go out anymore, that’s just part of the hermit I’ve become, but I just wanted you to know that I’ve appreciated each and every invite you have extended my way. I’ve slowly allowed myself back into the world and your friendship has helped with that.

And, the winner is…Kayan Amira Leung!!!

*ad break*

Coming up next, who will take home the final 3 awards of the evening? Stay tuned for more surprises!