I’ve finally narrowed down the choice of my book title to the final 5. But I need your help!
Please visit http://www.facebook.com/ShaunMyburgWrites and vote for your favorite!
As always thanks for the support
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 47,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 11 Film Festivals
Over three years of my life
Over 150 posts
Over 500 comments
Over 130,000 views.
Not bad for a guy sitting in his room in Kempton Park, South Africa, writing his little blog.
I say these stats with pride, because I worked hard at the blog, I tried to make it something different to what’s out there, and I hope I achieved that in some small way.
I’ve shared EVERYTHING. Good and bad, tragic and triumphant. I’ve made enemies, I’ve lost friends, and I’ve gained respect and thanks. All because of the words I chose to use.
I’ve always said I was blogging before blogging was a word, which is partly the reason I have decided to call it a day as far as being a blogger is concerned. I have shared every aspect of my life with people, left no stone unturned, and this was bound to lead me to this point. Where I feel I have nothing left to write about. This is not a sudden decision, as the thought has been in my head for a while to end it. I think my birthday last week left me with a sense of its ok to let it go.
After each blog I was left more and more drained, and the pressure I put on myself to come up with something new to write about was immense, and it should never be that way.
I love being a writer. It’s what I am. However, now I feel like it is time to let go of this blog and move onto other types of writing. More creative story telling I guess, I will certainly maintain my style in other projects I pursue, and will always look back fondly at this blog as something that added so much value to my life (and maybe yours).
I thank the loyal readers, I thank the haters, I thank everyone that took time to message me publically or privately with their thoughts, concerns, complaints or whatever emotion my blog brought out in you. That was always the intention.
And unlike the 5th season of 21 Jump Street, I will not stay around longer than I’m welcome; I will not get stuck in a mode of repetition. I will leave this blog with my head held high, with a feeling of I came, I saw, I conquered.
October has been a very telling month for me personally and I’ve decided to close a lot of chapters in my life, ironically November has the makings of being a game changer for me. I hope it leads to inspiration, confidence and a push in the right direction as the writer I am meant to be. I will continue to be inspired by an elite few, those who I love, those who I cannot be with, and those who I strive to prove wrong.
So thanks for being part of Burgs World…I hope you come back and revisit some of the many stories I have shared with you over the last three years or so, they will forever be part of my body of work, and if you’d like to follow what I do next…well, hopefully my work will find you.
A year ago I was sitting at home, unemployed, broke and no clue of what the future held for me. I was essentially happy. I knew I had a decent payout coming, a new job would find me, and I had high expectations that “next year would be different”.
So here we are….1 year later. What has changed?
The more I think about it, the more I get overwhelmed with a great sense of depression. It’s probably not the best time to analyse my life either, because I always get hugely depressed this time of year because of my birthday. And in two days time, when the day arrives, I’ll be forced to pretend I’m happy it’s my birthday, instead of having to explain to new friends and co-workers that I don’t celebrate it. So when questions and comments arise such as “what have you got planned” or “I hope you get spoilt” I will try and force a smile and come up with answers that don’t depress me even more.
Know me well enough, and know how I feel about the day.
I’ve been under tremendous stress lately, and really feel like it’s taking its toll. Health wise and mentally, its just overwhelmed me to the point where I feel my legs can’t even hold me up anymore.
The easy solution is I just need to take a holiday or go out with friends…
I’ve tried to avoid writing how woe is me, but I just don’t think there is any possible way to avoid it, and believe me, I don’t want to be THAT version of myself again.
A lot has changed over the last year, I know this to be true, and because I can see the difference I’ve made in my life, but the problem is, as I get older, I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the things that simply won’t change.
I gave the whole positive attitude thing a massive try. I made the effort with people, a big effort, but every disappointment I’ve had has resulted in a crushing punch to the ovaries. Which could possibly explain why I’m battling to even stand these days.
A friend and I chatted recently, and I call him a friend because of all the bullshiz we have gone through (and given each other), we still remain close. We spoke about the disappointment in people, and he pointed out that you literally can count the number of friends you really have one hand; the rest will always let you down.
What defines a genuine friendship though? We assign so much to that pedestal of friendship, that it becomes dangerous. Yes. Friendships are dangerous. I think this is why I try and avoid them.
However, over the last few weeks I seem to have fallen off the wagon and tried to believe in the romance of friendships…to my own detriment.
I’ve been accused of taking things too personally…which I do. Because friendship is the most personal thing there is. And if you can’t rely on the very basics of things like effort, commitment and honesty you, such as myself, will be in a permanent state of heartbreak.
And that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. I am in a permanent state of heartbreak. Probably for the last 30 years.
I recently reached out to a bunch of people I considered friends. I wanted to spend time with them, because I like them, and really needed to be around them to feel good about myself.
Scenario A, was friend I had messaged for years saying lets catchup, let’s get together, etc etc.. and she agreed that we absolutely would! She had recently returned from overseas and asked for me number saying we can finally meet up again. I let myself get excited about this prospect, and eagerly sent my details saying she must send me hers. About a month after that she finally did. Then we proceeded to organize a date and time. A Friday, lunch time.
As it got closer, I got more nervous, because people ALWAYS cancel on me…and normally just before the time. So about an hour before she messaged me saying she was running late but would be there about an hour after our original time.
That time arrived and she messaged me again could we do it in the evening rather.
I replied sure.
Then another message saying can we rather do it over the weekend, or the week after.
I replied sure…whenever you can fit me into your schedule.
She replied “Thanks! I’ll message you next week!”
That was three weeks ago. Nothing since.
The second scenario, just days afterwards, was another friend I had managed to track down who I hadn’t seen in over a year. We agreed on a dinner date for Wednesday last week.
On the Tuesday night I messaged her asking if we were all good for dinner the night after, she replied saying she was so sorry, she forgot and said we would have to move it to later in the week, but she would get hold of me to confirm. I still haven’t heard from her.
There are others… new friends, who I’ve tried opening up with, letting them into my life, becoming their confident, showing them that there is a better way of life in terms of happiness and love, only of course till they seem to get bored of me, and my romantic notion of how life should be, then going back to the crud that they think is happiness. I just don’t get it, and then people tell me that I will make someone very happy, or any girl would be lucky to have me…prove it.
These are not random events. This is how it ALWAYS is. Always. It’s impossible not to get heartbroken over these moments. They seem to shrug it off so easily, and to me it feels like I have no right to complain over petty little cancellations.
(I know there are those that will immediately say I never take them up on the offers to do something, or never asked them out etc, but lets be honest here, if I enjoyed your company THAT much, we would of already done something, so get over it, and get back to reading.)
I’m a good guy, I’m good company. I surely deserve better? I deserve chances…And screw all that “well if you think it’s going to go bad, it will go bad”…That is such a cop out answer, because what about when you think good? and you still get burned…
Sorry, that was a bit of a vent wasn’t it? Well…I feel better that its out, but my heart doesn’t.
Ah the heart…tell me, why do I even have this useless item in my body? And yes, I know it provides the basic function of living. But then…what if you are not living? I certainly don’t feel alive.
In fact, the only time I felt alive recently was that one week I spent it Cape Town. Because I actually felt like my heart did have a function. It’s possible I left it there though.
You know that girl I fell for? Well. What do I even say about that? I thought at least all the distractions and distance would help me not think about her as much. But the more we don’t chat, the more I fall for her. The more I don’t see her, the clearer I can see her. As I told someone yesterday…there is nobody else for me to push away while I focus on her…there are no dates…there is nothing physical…there is nothing…except what we both know. That there is “something” there and it hurts so much knowing we are not allowed to even try.
So every year, as my birthday approaches, I cannot think of anything other than how I’m getting older, lonelier and despite my best efforts, I may not get that chance at happiness and love. Despite everyone’s cliched pieces of advice, these are the facts. This is the reality.
I sit here in life’s limbo. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Functioning purely on some sort of Zombie instinct. The punches keep on coming, and the Universe is constantly beating the cr@p out of me, but I’m not staying down…and we all know, there is only one true way to kill zombie.
I’m a rambling man. For the most part at least, but those ramblings often stem from a very linear train of thought, that is, until the train totally derails and I begin to over think things.
For the last week my mind has been focusing on one thing, or rather one person. It hasn’t been an obsessive sort of thinking though, which is a relief for a change. Instead, it’s been a more of growing thought. A seed if you will.
You see, this person I’m thinking of, our friendship is pretty black and white at face value. It’s just two people who get along, have a lot of similar interests and have similar views on the world. However, there is something else there…something lingering -something that existed before we even met. An intangible.
There is no possible way I could explain it without sounding like a nutcase, so I won’t even try and convince you. What I will do, is just write what I feel to be true to me.
We were meant to meet. And for all the talk of if only we had met a few years ago, the truth of the matter is, we probably did. Except it wasn’t a few years ago, it was slightly longer than that. I feel we have known each other from before we existed. I’ve always had the overwhelming feeling of not belonging, in this time, on this planet, in this life. It’s a nonsensical thought, which I don’t much preach about, but I know it to be true. This life I lead now feels like its making amends for some horrible existence I previously lead. I accepted that a long time ago. Perhaps in my next journey I will find peace and happiness and love. It certainly does not seem my path in this lifetime. It’s a crazy notion, I know.
People always talk about how I will meet the “right one” when I’m ready, or when it’s meant to be. But nobody ever entertains the thought of maybe I did already meet the right one.
Maybe…I met the one in a previous life, and we were perfectly happy, in time of romance, we did not know an ounce of sadness (and I was probably a little bit taller with the abs of a Greek warrior). And then we got ripped apart. Now, in another time, another space, we have met again. However, this time we are not allowed to be together. For whatever reasons may exist in this world.
Perhaps she may now be with the one who seemed a perfect fit. But what is the perfect fit? Is it someone who ticks all the boxes? What if there were more check boxes on the second page you never looked at? Someone who is even more of a fit, but because you settled, you never even knew there was a page two to look at.
Does one fight to restore the balance? Fight for a second chance at happiness? Does one walk away knowing that this lifetime it’s not meant to be…Does one move on to someone else? (because we know my life is filled with women who are interested in me right?)
These are all just thoughts. I obviously cannot prove a single element of this, nor should I need to.
My heart and soul are not always in sync with my brain, which leads to being misunderstood, and alone for the most part. … There are times I think I’m just that lonely that I constantly try and look for reasoning behind my heart ache. The other day, a friend mailed me and said she had a dream that I was had a blonde girlfriend and I was happy and that she hoped it was a sign of something to come. My immediate response was “hopefully that was a wig”.
People will laugh at this blog, I’m sure, perhaps even try and force me to rationalize it, which is fine. I get that it’s near impossible for you to believe. In the end, life goes on, till the next one at least.
It had been over three years since I had last visited Cape Town, and each time prior to this visit, my travels here comprised of nothing more than a “Friday work day, and a weekend for myself”…So when I planned on coming down this time, I planned a little more, and managed to turn it into a “five working day and weekend for myself” trip
Well, the work side of it certainly took care of its self and I ended up being so busy that my devious little plan to take some time for myself during those working days, simply just didn’t happen…however, that turned to be the biggest blessing in disguise.
My trip here was always two fold.
Firstly, I quite simply needed to breathe new air for a bit. Joburg was getting the best of me in so many ways, and I felt the anxiety settling in big time, I needed to get out for a bit, for everyone’s sanity.
Secondly, I wanted to test the waters in terms of working out the Cape Town office. As part of my overall smaller dreams bigger wins strategy, I wanted to see how effectively working out the CT office would prove. And lo and behold, I got probably about three times more work done in this week than I would of done back in JHB.
Most of my closest friends are down here and I’m glad I got to see them, some people really went out their way to make me feel welcome, and that goes so far in my book, If I couldn’t make it to where people where, they came and fetched me. Gestures of friendship are not lost on me, and I ensured that while I was down here I reignited my #BurgMoments lifestyle in full force, in fact I have setup several of these moments to take place after I leave this evening, in the hope that I will have left some tiny part of Burg magic in the City that has been so good to me.
Of course, the trip was not without its typical “pulling a burg” moments, which so often define my adventures, so if you’ll indulge me for a few minutes, I’d like to share some of the highlights….
There’s nothing quite like a first day in a different city, as basic logic always seems to disappear and you seem to make the silliest of errors. Starting with my rental car…that took me 20minutes to start, because I couldn’t figure out how to switch on the damn ignition. So there I say quietly in my parking bay, trying not to look like a complete idiot, sometimes pretending to be on my phone with one hand, while the other frantically searched for some sort of switch or immobilizer that may be the trick to switching it on. Little did I realize, to start the car, it simply needed to be in gear. Pfff…technology.
That same night, I also managed to lock myself out the house, taking a walk down to KFC, and returning to the house only to realize I didn’t quite have all the keys I needed. I phoned a colleague who confirmed this to indeed be fact. As I waited calmly eating my chicken in the road, in the dark, and cold…she phoned me back with the genius idea of walking around the house and using the other door…which I had keys for.
One the Wednesday, I decided to take in preparation for my conference the next day, in order to see the venue beforehand and if it was walkable. I left with a colleague at about 5.30pm and took a breezy walk a few blocks down. Eventually spotting the conference centre from a distance, it was in fact walkable, but certainly not from the route I took, but happy with the fact that I know knew where it was, I headed back. Back where however, I’m not quite suite, as I didn’t realize I did not keep track of where I actually was. So what proceed was a looooot of walking to try and find my bearings. As the night got darker, and colder, I ended up being followed by a homeless man, swearing at me constantly for no reason. Ironically we would both make our way to the local homeless shelter, he was happy, I wasn’t. If anything, my walkabout took me to places I wouldn’t normally see, including the recent World Cup stadium . From there I made my way to the V&Waterfront shopping complex where I eventually was able to retrace my steps back to the home office. Now, ordinarily, a two hour getting lost walk is a great thing for me. However, because I had only planned on popping down the block and back, I had made the decision to wear my slip slops (sandals), the devastation caused by this decision is still being felt as I type this. I have no skin left on the top of my feet, and bubble blisters underneath them! I still walked to the conference the next day, and did several Km’s over the proceeded days, which each and every pair of socks being drenched in blood that poured out my feet. And let me tell you, there is nothing quite like having to peel a pair of socks off your feet and getting to do it all over again the next day.
There is one last story I would like to share with you…
You see, I knew coming down here I would see a lot of old friends, however, I didn’t plan on making a new one…but boy oh boy did I.
I’m pretty easy to get along with for the most part, but every now and again I find someone I connect with on the clichéd “another level”. I can generally sense these people immediately, and just know that there is something there that needs to be explored. Such was the case with the person I met purely by chance I guess. We didn’t really talk much as first, but there was something lingering there. Something that needed to be tapped into, which we did, and much like her; it was nothing short of beautiful.
We did lunch, we chatted so much, we had so many revealing conversations about things we both loved and desired in the world, however the entire time there was this cloud of finality hanging over over…I would be leaving soon and this was all going to be over way too soon. She said she wished I could stick around longer, which just made my heart jump with joy. I wished that too. But the reality of our lives could not turn this into anything more. As the days went on, in typical Burg fashion, I found myself falling for her more and more each day, but not just her, rather the way she made me feel, and believe in my own dreams and desires again. The whole scenario played out much like an extended version of Before Sunrise/Sunset.
We spent most of Saturday together, where I got to meet some people in her life, including the reality check of the husband, who is one of those seemingly nice guys who makes you immediately think “well, there’s no way I can compete with this guy”. Then you immediately think well, I was never in with a chance anyways. Not that there was a chance of anything of course, but its just the head games one tends to play with ones self.
He eventually had to pop out for a while, and finally I got to just spend some alone time with her, we walked back to her place, and as much pain as I was in from my bleeding feet, it just disappeared when I was around her. We fetched a few things from the house then headed back to the beach, quite prepared for another painful walk, I was so happy that we were just together, then of course, that feeling was quickly replaced with disappointment as the honk honk of her husband in the car shorted our trip as he arrived to give us a lift back. My heart sunk, but my fake smile and humour came to my defence…
As the universe would have it, I ended up being stuck with him for a few hours, while she went surfing…. So here we are, two men laying on beach towels getting to know each other. I realized there is never a right time to say “hey, I’m falling for your wife, so just wanted to make sure that’s cool with you”…, so I just sat there getting more and more miserable, but never showing it, and instead offering genuine conversation and polite to the bitter end.
When she did return from the surf, a ray of sunshine brighter than the day’s sun that was beating down on me, they decided to call it a day and invited me to join them for dinner. Knowing I just couldn’t possibly torture myself anymore, I made an excuse to leave, and that I had someone else to see, then headed back. I didn’t have other plans.
Selfishly, I kept hoping she would send me a message asking if I was ok, or thanking me for coming or even “apologizing” for leaving me alone for so long, but none of that came…until about 2 hours later when I got a Facebook message asking if I had perhaps taken her phone. She had lost it….of course. The universe just loves playing these jokes on me doesn’t it.
As I sit here now typing this, I can’t help but wonder, was that it? Was that all I would be allowed with her? And as thankful as I am for the unexpected friendship, I find myself consumed with thoughts of “what ifs”, if I had said something else, taken a chance, just done something out of the ordinary…would it have made a difference? Would it have made a fool of me? I just don’t know. But for someone who lives by the words “Live For The Moments”, this is one that is stapled to my heart.
I’m a romantic, i’m a dreamer, but im also a realist and I know exactly how this story ends. I don’t begrudge these feelings at all, and I know that if our paths are meant to cross again, they will, in this lifetime or the next.
The truth is, I could write about her for hours, but the rest of the memories will be for me. So all that is left to say is…
Thank you Cape Town…we will do it all again in December…
If I have one flaw…it’s that I can be quite contradictory depending on my mood. (If I have two flaws, the other is probably my humility)….
And if there’s something that a run of bad health and stress does to a person, it gives one perspective, and an appreciation for what and who is in your life, and subsequently, who is missing from your life.
Over the last few weeks I’ve found myself really searching for some sort of comfort in friendships. And in the great spirit of burying the hatchet, and extending the olive branch, I’ve tried to make peace with those friendships I’ve thought lost.
However, some instances have been a complete shock to the system, and here’s where the contradiction part comes into play.
I’ve always said that I don’t give a hoot (owl speak) about how people think of me, and that I will always continue to live my life by my rules (geez give me a leather jacket and motorcycle and I’m a 50s rebel). However, recently I found out that there are those I once thought of as friends just don’t like me (anymore).
Hold the phone….someone doesn’t like me???
I know right…that’s just madness.
Off course, I can’t leave well enough alone and pursued these now former friends to find some sort of reasoning.
This first told me that she felt that I had used her has some sort of experiment to entertain the “new me”, and that I was arrogant about my ways in doing so…which struck me as just plain old bizarre seeing as they all we did was meet up for a fruit juice one evening when she was in the country and reminisce about the old days, then say our goodbyes about an hour later. How very arrogant of me I guess…making the effort to see an old friend when they visiting the country sure isn’t what it used to be I guess.
The second I had seen often over the years, but we had had a falling out while back because she didn’t like the fact that I didn’t like advice she had given me…
I had in the meantime become friends with one of her friends, who I still chatted with. I often asked about our common friend but never got much response.
So I mailed my long lost friend saying I missed our pop culture chats and such. The reply I got back was certainly not what I expected. She went on to say how I spoke shiz about her and called her psycho to her friend. I confronted the friend and showed the chat history, which she immediately denied and then said this is all so childish and she doesn’t want to get involved. It went back and forth a little bit, but essentially, I became the odd man out, and it was clear that the friendship was over based on a lie and hearsay.
Now, why am I so bothered about not being liked? I know I can’t be liked by everyone, and I’m certainly not the easiest person to be friends with, but there is something that bugs me to the core about people who have the complete wrong opinion of me, or allow other’s to make up their minds for then.
I like to be liked, but when someone doesn’t I just can’t let up until I know why.
There has thankfully been some really good outcomes with some friendships that have been given a second chance, which gives me hope, hope that you will always have the people in your life you are meant to have, and that sorry does still mean something to some people.
Can’t we all just get along?
I have a recurring joke I like to make every so often. A comment so uncomfortably honest it makes people question whether it’s actually just me being awkwardly funny or deadly serious.
“I’m thinking about taking on a lover”
The more reserved of my friends/readers tend to take it humorously, and respond with a joke of their own, knowing that nobody would openly state they are looking for THAT. Others think I’m putting out feelers to see if any “lonely soul” bites…
To put everyone’s minds at rest…
I am ALWAYS looking for a lover. Always.
But why is that considered taboo? Or a shocking statement to make?
Am I not a single adult who craves companionship and affection? Surely I’m entitled to a sex life just as much as anyone else.
Over the last week or two, the conversation of sex has reared its head in a few varying conversations. How honest is too honest when talking about it? What are the pros and cons of a single lonely man paying for companionship and sex? Does sex ruin friendships if you want to have sex with a friend?
It’s often and easily misconstrued as a “typical guy after just one thing”, which makes me laugh a sad sorta laugh.
My sexually history has been written about before, yes, too much to some, but nonetheless, my sexual history in itself can be considered shocking. Most likely for the most opposite of reasons that one might think.
The truth is in the pudding.
I’m a near 34 year old man who has had sex a grand total of once in his life. And this came (excuse the pun), just before I turned 30.
Effectively, I waited 30 years for my first time (yes, I do count the ages between birth and 16yrs old), and now who knows how long I’ll have to wait for me second time.
I can’t say much about my first time, because quite honestly, I never knew what to expect, or anything to compare it against. It something that sorta just happened as a result of a hybrid between opportunity and negotiation.
The willing participant was an old school friend who was most likely stuck in a rut with where she was in her life. We ended up doing it in my office at a previous job in the afternoon. Yup, Office sex and afternoon delight. Doesn’t get much better than that right? (Now of course if you’re smart enough and do the math, you’ll know exactly when and where this took place, and probably give the person who took over my office after me cold shivers right about now….but don’t worry, we exchanged desks too).
The act itself was more of a learning experience for me I guess. I can’t say I did it for the right reasons or it’s something I always wanted from the person. It was just something that was. I don’t think either of us regrets it, and it was a nice memory. That’s all it seems now. A memory.
I’m not exactly living a life where the chance for sex comes along…in fact this was probably the only time, but I do know there have been numerous people I was attracted to sexually. Even now, there are those I would give anything to be with, who I just find so absolutely attractive that I go weak at the knees. Relationships aside, being around them or talking to them, gives me THAT feeling. That’s not a bad thing right? Nor should it be taboo.
In this day and age, if two adults (yes, from 18) are attracted to each other, why can they not just openly discuss the matter, do the deed, and create a moment that adds value to their life. The most basic emotion we deserve to feel is love, physically or emotionally.
Should sex only be a result of a long term relationship? Or should it be the basis of keeping a relationship together, but the what if you are the kind of person who will never be fortunate enough to be in a relationship (yes, the truth is not everyone gets that luxury).
The question is why can I not find a lover? I’m surely not wholly unattractive? Sure I could afford to drop a few pounds which would certainly help with my confidence…but is the thought of sober sex with me worse than having sex with Peter Griffin? (sure, I’d throw in more pop culture references)
Perhaps at the end of the day, I’m just a naïve lonely guy who looks for love in all the wrong places. But all I know is I’m so tired of watching porn….plus these iPads are so hard hold…(that’s what she said.)