Posts Tagged ‘blogs’

State of The Burg Nation Address – Permanent Heartbreak & Zombies

October 10, 2012

A year ago I was sitting at home, unemployed, broke and no clue of what the future held for me. I was essentially happy. I knew I had a decent payout coming, a new job would find me, and I had high expectations that “next year would be different”.
So here we are….1 year later. What has changed?
The more I think about it, the more I get overwhelmed with a great sense of depression. It’s probably not the best time to analyse my life either, because I always get hugely depressed this time of year because of my birthday. And in two days time, when the day arrives, I’ll be forced to pretend I’m happy it’s my birthday, instead of having to explain to new friends and co-workers that I don’t celebrate it. So when questions and comments arise such as “what have you got planned” or “I hope you get spoilt” I will try and force a smile and come up with answers that don’t depress me even more.
Know me well enough, and know how I feel about the day.
I’ve been under tremendous stress lately, and really feel like it’s taking its toll. Health wise and mentally, its just overwhelmed me to the point where I feel my legs can’t even hold me up anymore.
The easy solution is I just need to take a holiday or go out with friends…

 

I’ve tried to avoid writing how woe is me, but I just don’t think there is any possible way to avoid it, and believe me, I don’t want to be THAT version of myself again.
A lot has changed over the last year, I know this to be true, and because I can see the difference I’ve made in my life, but the problem is, as I get older, I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the things that simply won’t change.
I gave the whole positive attitude thing a massive try. I made the effort with people, a big effort, but every disappointment I’ve had has resulted in a crushing punch to the ovaries. Which could possibly explain why I’m battling to even stand these days.
A friend and I chatted recently, and I call him a friend because of all the bullshiz we have gone through (and given each other), we still remain close. We spoke about the disappointment in people, and he pointed out that you literally can count the number of friends you really have one hand; the rest will always let you down.
What defines a genuine friendship though? We assign so much to that pedestal of friendship, that it becomes dangerous. Yes. Friendships are dangerous. I think this is why I try and avoid them.
However, over the last few weeks I seem to have fallen off the wagon and tried to believe in the romance of friendships…to my own detriment.
I’ve been accused of taking things too personally…which I do. Because friendship is the most personal thing there is. And if you can’t rely on the very basics of things like effort, commitment and honesty you, such as myself, will be in a permanent state of heartbreak.
And that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. I am in a permanent state of heartbreak. Probably for the last 30 years.
I recently reached out to a bunch of people I considered friends. I wanted to spend time with them, because I like them, and really needed to be around them to feel good about myself.
Scenario A, was friend I had messaged for years saying lets catchup, let’s get together, etc etc.. and she agreed that we absolutely would! She had recently returned from overseas and asked for me number saying we can finally meet up again. I let myself get excited about this prospect, and eagerly sent my details saying she must send me hers. About a month after that she finally did. Then we proceeded to organize a date and time. A Friday, lunch time.
As it got closer, I got more nervous, because people ALWAYS cancel on me…and normally just before the time. So about an hour before she messaged me saying she was running late but would be there about an hour after our original time.
That time arrived and she messaged me again could we do it in the evening rather.
I replied sure.
Then another message saying can we rather do it over the weekend, or the week after.
I replied sure…whenever you can fit me into your schedule.
She replied “Thanks! I’ll message you next week!”
That was three weeks ago. Nothing since.
The second scenario, just days afterwards, was another friend I had managed to track down who I hadn’t seen in over a year. We agreed on a dinner date for Wednesday last week.
On the Tuesday night I messaged her asking if we were all good for dinner the night after, she replied saying she was so sorry, she forgot and said we would have to move it to later in the week, but she would get hold of me to confirm. I still haven’t heard from her.
There are others… new friends, who I’ve tried opening up with, letting them into my life, becoming their confident, showing them that there is a better way of life in terms of happiness and love, only of course till they seem to get bored of me, and my romantic notion of how life should be, then going back to the crud that they think is happiness. I just don’t get it, and then people tell me that I will make someone very happy, or any girl would be lucky to have me…prove it.
These are not random events. This is how it ALWAYS is. Always. It’s impossible not to get heartbroken over these moments. They seem to shrug it off so easily, and to me it feels like I have no right to complain over petty little cancellations.

 

(I know there are those that will immediately say I never take them up on the offers to do something, or never asked them out etc, but lets be honest here, if I enjoyed your company THAT much, we would of already done something, so get over it, and get back to reading.)
I’m a good guy, I’m good company. I surely deserve better? I deserve chances…And screw all that “well if you think it’s going to go bad, it will go bad”…That is such a cop out answer, because what about when you think good? and you still get burned…
Sorry, that was a bit of a vent wasn’t it? Well…I feel better that its out, but my heart doesn’t.
Ah the heart…tell me, why do I even have this useless item in my body? And yes, I know it provides the basic function of living. But then…what if you are not living? I certainly don’t feel alive.
In fact, the only time I felt alive recently was that one week I spent it Cape Town. Because I actually felt like my heart did have a function. It’s possible I left it there though.
You know that girl I fell for? Well. What do I even say about that? I thought at least all the distractions and distance would help me not think about her as much. But the more we don’t chat, the more I fall for her. The more I don’t see her, the clearer I can see her. As I told someone yesterday…there is nobody else for me to push away while I focus on her…there are no dates…there is nothing physical…there is nothing…except what we both know. That there is “something” there and it hurts so much knowing we are not allowed to even try.

So every year, as my birthday approaches, I cannot think of anything other than how I’m getting older, lonelier and despite my best efforts, I may not get that chance at happiness and love. Despite everyone’s cliched pieces of advice, these are the facts. This is the reality.

I sit here in life’s limbo. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Functioning purely on some sort of Zombie instinct. The punches keep on coming, and the Universe is constantly beating the cr@p out of me, but I’m not staying down…and we all know, there is only one true way to kill zombie.

When Did The World Become So Mean?

June 29, 2011

Anyone who’s never met me before would be mistaken for thinking I’m cold and uncaring towards the world.

It’s easy to understand why too. I rant and I rave on this blog and my social networks. I speak the truth (as I see it), and tend to not let anything that irritates me slide.

However, that is pretty much as far from the truth as you can get. I happen to care a great deal, about everything.

Therein lay the problem. I continued to put my faith into the world and the people in it and time and time again it let’s me down which makes me sadder and sadder.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a whiner. I just don’t have a problem vocalizing my hurt and frustrations…which has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit.

My question though, is when did the world become so mean?

Many weeks ago we had everyone stressing/mocking the event known as The Rapture. Whilst everyone had their own take on it, at the time I thought to myself – self…even though it’s complete and utter nonsense, I’d have actually be ok with the world ending (being cleansed).

I’m one of those guys who walk around looking at the world without blinkers on, which has major pitfalls of noticing the smallest of details.

Every day is filled with its share of disappointments sure, but was it always THIS bad? Perhaps. However, in my eyes I’ve noticed it getting worse and worse.

It’s the little things that hurt me the most.

People who making fleeting promises.
People who insult or bully others on a daily basis.
People who find it easier to swear or degrade others.
People who don’t admit their mistakes or take accountability for their actions.
People who lie, cheat, steal and laugh it off as a way of life.
People who immediately begin work on jokes and puns when someone dies.

I can tell when people are lying to me, and it hurts that they believe so much in their lies that they think they are convincing you.

There is so little honour left in the world. People’s word means nothing anymore. Yes, I was born in the wrong era, I’m well aware of that.

If you just sit back and watch the world around you, take note of how many acts of meanness you see. You’d be shocked. I know I am.

Anyways…this is just a random thought I’m having at the moment, but then again I think I might have tick bite fever again…I’ll come back to this blog when i have more coherent thoughts on the subject.

A History of Girlfriends – Part 2: The High School Years

April 20, 2011

Well, I said I’d return with Part 2: The High School years…and I shall now share that with you.

In 1992, I entered high school with a personal life in tatters and a non existent love life. Little did I realize at that point, that was as good as it was going to get.

During the first few months, everyone was sorta feeling each other out, not literally of course, but there were no real cliques forming yet. Well except for those who had pre-existing friendships from Primary School.

Because I went to an out of town High School, I was one of only three people who came from my Primary school. They were both girls which meant I was fair game. A mysterious stranger who nobody really knew.

This worked in favour for…oh, about 1 month.

You see during my first few weeks I had a girl who liked me. Her name was Dee Dee. During English class she asked one of her friends to find out if I liked her. Which I did. She relayed the message, and we ended up “going out”. Awesome!

Just after English period we had second break, and when I went to go hang out with her, her friend told me she changed her mind. And we “broke up”.

That in a nutshell was my entire High School dating life.

My personal life got worse, and I lost complete confidence in asking anyone else out again.

I got along with all the girls, and was always fun to be around. I never actually had anyone like me back, and sorta just accepted that.

There was a younger girl who seemed interested in me once, I didn’t know her that well, so I convinced her my name was Carlos, and I was half Mexican. I think that went on for an entire term.

There were those I tried to get to know better, but for some reason I always tended to make things way too complicated in my head.

Another infamous moment…my matric Farewell. (or as the yanks call it – Prom)

You see, pretty much everyone had a partner, or willing cousin ready long before hand. But me, much like I am today, couldn’t find a single person to go with me. Everyone I wanted to ask already had a date…true I always set my sights too high, so I would never get Paula, Lana or Valanesse to go with me (three popular girls of our year). So the week before our Farewell, I literally walked up to someone I had never spoken to before and asked if she was free. She was a few years younger than me, but was a complete dear about the whole situation, and said sure why not. Her name was pronounced “shaan”…that’s right Shaun was taking Shaan to the dance. You could NOT make this stuff up.

The awkwardness continued through over the next few days, right up until I fetched her and met her parents. I think they actually felt sorry for me. But hey, I’d take a pity date over no date any day of the week.

The dance was pleasant enough…I have a photo to remember her by, but other than an awkward hello in the corridors, I don’t think we spoke again after that.

You know what I love about them High School girls? I get older, they stay the same age….yes they do…yes they do.

But yeah, that’s High School for you…part three will have some interest stories from my post High School dating life …if of course you want to hear it.

The List Guys Don’t Want Ladies To Know Exists!

March 27, 2011

What I’m about to reveal may result in getting me banned from any “guy meetings” that may take place in the world for the rest of my existence.

However, it is something that women have always suspected existed, and now like a magician who has been kicked out of the alliance…I shall reveal all.

The other night I went out. A rare occurrence for me these days, however it was to something I was looking forward to, so there was no chance I was going to cancel, or come up with some lame excuse like I usually do.

Instead, I said yes, I’d be there, with bells on, or in this case…with a plus one.

The idea of a plus one, is an age old tradition that brings a man like me to his knees. Whether it be concerts, movies, weddings, work functions or simply a friend’s dinner, a plus one is the ultimate firestarter for an overthinker.

Anyways, back to Friday’s outing. It was to a movie preview. Simple in concept, and easily where I’m at my most charming and impressive. The evening called for a partner who would a) appreciate the movie b) appreciate that we are there to see a movie and c) be able to have an opinion afterwards that I’d actually want to hear.

Let’s fast forward to my plus one for the night. It ended up being an old military buddy (not really, but work was hell back in those days), he’s a good friend who has similar interests as me, so we enjoyed ourselves and constructively discussed the movie afterwards. Perfect.

Now comes the big reveal. He was not my first choice. (and he knows this because he knows the rules and plays by them too.)

You see, in order for him to have come to movie with me, I first had to make my way through the list, and IF nobody on that list was able to make it, by default, he was in.

The list is one which guys don’t want you to know exists.

For the safety of any guys out there, I will from hereon out refer to “we” as “I”.

I have a list. And every time I go out, or have a function coming up that gives me the chance to ask someone out, I consult this list.

The list is normally, but not limited to, comprised of five women I am very interested in.

There is always a definite #1 on the list, the hottest, and most appealing of all the women, who I will ALWAYS ask first. In the slim hope that she is free that night. 90% of the time she isn’t, because come on…she’s WAY outta my league, but there’s always that 10% chance she says yes, and boy, when she does, it doesn’t matter if we’re going to a wedding or a funeral, the fact that she is with me makes everything else seem inconsequential.

#2 on the list is general a woman that I really like, and at times thought she might even like me too, but since she always has a new boyfriend of the month, you never quite know if there will every be anything…but there’s no way you’re taking her off the list.

#3 is often the newest person on your list. She is someone you may have been out with once or twice. There is however, a distinct possibility that you may have in fact never even met her in person! I have two of those at the moment. One is in Cape Town, and the other one here in Johannesburg. I will always be waiting for just the right thing to ask them too.

#4 is normally the person I’ve known the longest. She tends to have already put you in the friends zone. You refuse to believe that the door is totally closed on a relationship, and live in the hope that she will one day decide to say what the hell and give it chance. Every now and again I make this friendship awkward by flirting a little too much.

# 5 is the most reliable of the lot, she is normally “ok” looking, and you get along great, and for so many reasons you could easily be with her on a more …full time basis…but, truth of the matter is, she’s not numbers 1-4.

The hard and fast rule of asking someone on the list out is that you NEVER extend the invite to more than one person at a time.

You always ask #1 first, and you don’t, under any circumstances ask another person until she has absolutely said no. Sometimes however, this may result in her only finally saying no about an hour before the event starts, which normally results in you going straight to #5 on the list and missing out on the other girls.

If #5 is not suddenly willing to drop what she’s doing and get ready…well, then you’ve always got your guy friends to fall back on.

So when I post a message on my facebook status, about how I have a ticket to this or that, yes, I am often directing it to those five in the hope that one of them makes my job easier, because I’m actually too scared of getting rejected by EVERYONE on the list.

The actual girls on the list can change, but the reasons they are on the list often don’t.

Mmm…I wonder if I should name and shame the 5 on my list …I’ll tell you this much…there are ALL Burgie award winners and nominees…

For the record, if I don’t post a blog again, its because there has been a bounty put on my head by the male species…