Posts Tagged ‘Burg’

Burg Love!

January 26, 2013

Burg Love!

Hello BurgWorld followers …I’m baaaaack, just out my brand new blog site Burg Love! Making Friends and Offending People…and subscribe if you wouldn’t mind. Burg


Tales From The Burgmobile: Part 1

April 14, 2011

Sure. The Burg is my driver….but we’ve never really seen it that way. To us, for the last four plus years, we’ve been best friends. We’ve seen it all, and been through more (a burgism he always likes to use).

In fact, its exactly 4 years ago today that the two of us embarked on the first of what would be a series of adventures.

You see, when we were assigned as partners…it wasn’t just a job for us. We both had a spirit of adventure, and of course, a heightened sense of drama.

Back then, the roads were a different place for The Burg. They were just a means to get somewhere, but together, being on the roads gave us both meaning. If I may, I’d like to share a few stories with you all.

Of course I can’t share EVERYTHING with you…because Burg would probably get fired…and I’d end up on the scrap heap.

As I mentioned, our first trip together was 1 year ago. We headed from Johannesburg to Sun City for our first ever SAMA awards. Burg was in a bad way then. He had no money and was in a bad depression. I felt bad for the guy…I was also worried about my own safety to be honest. We got hopelessly lost that evening as we made our way. Neither of us really knew how to get there, so we ended up seeing a bit more of the neighboring towns than we originally wanted to hehe. Burg had to deal with some demons that weekend, and I’m happy to say we both survived it. For three more years after that we did the annual trip there. In fact, one year he even brought someone along. That was the start of the end for that friendship. I think Burg still misses that friend, but he tries to act like he doesn’t…because it still hurts. This year it was announced that the venue was changing, but I think we’ll always have fond memories of that annual excursion. I know I will. Lord knows he needed that annual getaway.

Burg’s a crazy cat, but his heart has always been in the right place. I see a side of him a lot of others don’t. He cares so much for people, that why when he get his heart broken, it drives him to the point of insanity. He just loses so much faith in the world.

I remember when a girl he really liked, and I mean REALLY liked decided she didn’t want to pursue anything with him. It hurt him bad. I took them to a lot of functions, and I saw how he genuinely loved her. She was the one. They got on great and I thought maybe this time it would actually work out. He took a lot of pain out of that “relationship”. He yearned for her, her touch, her attention. He never wanted to give up. Many a days he drove him in tears, but would never let anyone see him that way. When they finally stopped seeing each other…he was lost. This was where he went through his little emo face. Which to be fair, looked good on him hehe.

He was filming a short film at the time and had a role as a “mean looking guy”, perfectly suited. Anyways, one of the days he got his filming day wrong and only realized it while he was on the way to the location. Never one to let a good day out go to waste, he made a spur of the moment decision to take us to the beach. He had the idea of writing the name of the girl he was pining for’s name in the sand and watching the ocean wash it away. This would be such a bad decision except that the nearest beach was 7 hours away. And he had never driven there before…and it was 10am in the morning. He had his video camera with him and filmed the entire trip down. In fact, all videos are still on Youtube if I remember.

The most amazing part of it was, we drown all this time and he simply walked onto the beach, wrote the name, watched it wash away, and got back in the car, and we drove right back. It’s the most amazing experience, and boy was it scary being on those dark rainy road with trucks carrying logs swerving all over the place…but certainly wouldn’t be the craziest thing he did. That was to come a few months later.

We’ve had so many good memories. Of course every one is balanced by an equally sad story. In the early days, I had to take him to pawn shops as he sold off everything he owned just to survive and take care of his mom. That took its toll on him. That’s why it was an absolute pleasure to take him shopping when he can into some luch. And boy can the kid and his mom shop! We went everywhere! Every bit of space I had was packed to the brim with stuff. From dvds to furniture. Hahaha, I remember the two of them actually holding stuff on the roof just to get it home.

I’ve just got to go put in some petrol (or gas to those American readers out there)…but I’ll be back with some more stories about The Burg and The Burgmobile you won’t wanna miss….

Live as The Burg. Die as The Burg

April 2, 2011

I’ve always been one to mind my own business. I tend to keep my head down when I walk…perhaps occasionally staring at a beautiful woman, but never ever have I been one to go up to someone and start a conversation.

However, for some reason (I have my theories), I’m ALWAYS the person someone else comes up to and engages in a debate.

If I go alone to a movie, concert, sporting event or other function, I’m the one who people turn and look at. Even in shopping centers people turn at stare. My mom always asks me why they do that, and I always just say they must think I’m famous.

Sometimes its understandable, to a point, because I’m wearing a sports team’s shirt which is the universal ice breaker. Or perhaps its a unique tshirt that attracts someone’s attention. If that happens, I suck it up and without being rude, engage in a brief conversation with whomever makes the approach.

Today however, I had to deal with an incident that happens far too often in my life.

You see, for a lack of a better term, I tend to have a unique appearance. I always have. Even in high school there was always something that brought attention to me…such as my slicked back hair…which earned me a nickname from the geniuses in the year ahead of me of “Slick”.

Till this day, each and everyday I always have a different hairstyle. I used to have a different colour every few months too.

I always wear something unique. Whether it be a bandanna, a hat, a trenchcoat, my legendary pant, a see through shirt, a white suit, a fake snake skin shirt. Whatever suits my mood.

One of the things I hate about this country, and I truly do, is that there is very much a close mindedness about individuality.

You can really dress us and walk down the high street, or go to the mall, or just dress good for dressing good sake.

There is always someone who will judge you or make a comment, or compare you to someone trending.

Years ago when I had corn rows in my hair, I was constantly called Beckham. Cos you know, that one time he came to South Africa, he had it done.

I went through a phase where I wore eyeliner and a smart shirt and tie. I was called one of The Parlotones.

Now, because I have a loooong beard I am constantly called Amla. This, for my international readers, is a reference to a national cricket player named Hashim Amla, who happens to have a long beard too, because he is Muslim.

In the last 2 weeks, I think I have been called this at least 8 times.

Today was by 2 drunken Afrikaans guys in a shopping center. Who started insulting me further because I gave them an unimpressed stare. (To be fair, my p*ssed off look is legendary, and has been featured in many films).

It just saddens me that people always feel compelled to mock and ridicule someone just because they themselves are not an individual.

I do believe if I lived in New York or London, I wouldn’t stand out as much, which makes me want to be there even more, just so I can be left alone.

I’ve dealt with it all my life, because I’ve never thought twice about trying something different. Sometimes its a popular choice, other times not, but I’ve always felt I’ve that a good head on ones shoulders and a pair of balls will go a long way.

If this means putting up with drunken concert goers throwing beer on me because I won’t humour them, mean kids who try and impress their friend by insulting me when they walk past, parents who judge me, and colleagues who feel the need to insult me to appear witty, then so be it.

Live as The Burg. Die as The Burg.

A Dummy’s Guide To Burg: 100 Facts about Me (2011 edition)

April 1, 2011

There once was this girl I liked. I knew nothing about her really…except that she worked in an arms and ammo shop in the shopping center I first saw her. My attempts at flirting with her were initially sweet and charming, but I think the minute she realized I was serious, quickly changed her mind and said she knew nothing about me, and then suddenly she had a boyfriend.

Neither of which deterred me, and my solution to problem “A” was to write down a list of 100 facts about myself and then present it to her…Seeing as though I’m still single, it obviously didn’t make much of an impact.

I’d actually like to revisit that list now. A lot has changed. Some not so much. But maybe this will become a Dummy’s Guide To Burg.

1) I still live with my mom as I take care of her. People never understand why.
2) My dad died when I was 11.
3) My older brother killed himself a year after that.
4) I never had a childhood and missed out on so much socializing. I feel bitter about that sometimes.
5) I have a very very very high IQ…but for years have had to show patience when dealing with others.
6) I have the patience of a saint.
7) I sometimes pretend like I don’t know something in order for someone else to answer a question.
8 ) I hate warm/hot weather and prefer cold and rain.
9) I still eat with my baby fork.
10) I can’t sleep/nap unless my feet are covered.

11) I am straight edged. Don’t drink, smoke or swear…and never have once in my life.
12) I don’t believe in religion, but don’t believe anyone has the right to say their beliefs are the only correct beliefs. Wish more people would think that way.
13) I am an insomniac.
14) I worked in call centers doing technical support for 8yrs.
15) I am diabetic
16) I have been in 5 movies as an actor. 2 of them feature films. 1 has had a cinematic release.
17) I hosted a tv show once a week for 2yrs.
18) My favourite sport is tennis. I have a good knowledge of records and history.
19) Lord of the Rings is my favourite movies of all time.
20) I have a massive Johnny Cash music collection.

21) I have never been in a real relationship. Except for that one English period in high school.
22) I lost my virginity when I was 29.
23) That was my only time.
24) I am attracted to exotic woman. Namely indian and asian.
25) I don’t believe in marriage, but would reconsider it for the right person.
26) I hate the phone.
27) Even though I don’t drink, I collect shot glasses. I always ask someone to bring me back one if they traveling overseas.
28) I am a die hard WWE fan, and am undoubtedly the most knowledgeable person in South Africa on it.
29) I collect trading cards. And sometimes trade with colleague’s sons.
30) I love reading, and buy books to store in my library till I feel like reading them one day.

31) I almost never return calls.
32) I am a ridiculously good poker player, but I only learned how to play a few years ago.
33) I am a Liverpool supporter.
34) I love musicals, as long as they are movies and tv shows.
35) I’ve never been to the theatre.
36) I have unbelievably quick reflexes.
37) I see “things”…some may call them spirits.
38) I am a trekkie.
39) I am a brilliant ten pin bowler, and could have taken it more seriously.
40) I have 7 tattoos. Each has a very personal meaning.

41) I have a dog. He does not have a name.
42) I collect movie merchandise and action figures (which I never open)
43) My all time favourite band is Aerosmith.
44) I love Bollywood movies.
45) I know I am a phenomenal writer, but lose faith in myself quickly.
46) I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But 3 strikes and you’re out.
47) My favourite actor is Johnny Depp.
48) I’m very athletic, and despite my size and weight surprise people.
49) I used to write my own comic books as a kid.
50) I have a cat. His name is Rang’a because he is a ginger cat.

51) I strangely still trust my primary school friends, even though I haven’t seen some of them in almost 20yrs
52) I’m the best person to have in a crisis situation.
53) I had a cancer scare last year.
54) I don’t have a best friend.
55) I have a hatred for the country I live in. This upsets a lot of people who don’t understand why. They also don’t get it if I explain.
56) I enjoy reading autobiographies.
57) I am on twitter @theburg
58) I’m the guy everyone opens up to about their problems. I take this as a compliment, but at times its too heavy a burden.
59) I don’t own my own car.
60) I am a coffee connoisseur.

61) I’ve developed a fear of crowds.
62) My favourite food is seafood. Throw it into a pasta, and I’m yours.
63) I broken my arm and ankle in my life.
64) I have a passion for old TV shows, especially old cop shows from the 70s and 80s.
65) I loathe practical jokes and prank phone calls.
66) I collect PEZ dispensers.
67) The last time I had any sort of physical “contact” with a girl was almost 4 years ago.
68) I have a weird need to buy plush toys if they ask me to.
69) When I like a girl I don’t see her in terms of her age, race, or religion, this almost always works against me.
70) I like old skool Disney movies.

71) Pam Grier was my first “african crush”.
72) I listen to most all music…yet cannot tolerate dance music.
73) I wish I had someone to talk to about my “day”.
74) I’m not afraid of anything in life anymore….well except for heights.
75) My radio station of choice is Lotus FM.
76) I have a dvd collection of over 3000.
77) The crime I hate the most is theft.
78) I have vertigo.
79) I do my best thinking when I drive.
80) I enjoy having milkshakes with people, but that hardly ever happens.

81) I am fascinated by Egyptology. I’m not sure if that’s an actual term though.
82) My top 5 wrestlers of all time are: Kurt Angle, Bret Hart, Mr Perfect Curt Hennig, Randy “Macho Man” Savage and Hulk Hogan.
83) When I was a kid, I had an alter ego of “Pencil Man”, I made my own costume and had an entire backstory.
84) If I go to the cinema, I always go to the late show so that I’m alone.
85) My all time favourite comedy is the British “The Office”.
86) Big bugs or masses of insects freak me out.
87) I secretly love cooking shows
88) I’m a VERY good dancer, but hardly ever dance.
89) I am observant to the world.
90) I have had a work crush at all my jobs.

91) I am unbelievably lucky in competitions.
92) I am equally unlucky in life.
93) I find something attractive in most all women. With a few exceptions.
94) Wes Anderson is my favourite film maker.
95) Gays guys are often attracted to me. I take it as a compliment.
96) I believe if you like someone, you should tell them.
97) I hate people who comment in the forums of online stories/columns. They are for the most part mean idiots without a backbone.
98) I don’t think ill ever be a parent, but I’m open to the possibility.
99) I am a romantic, and believe in the “epic gesture”…just like hollywood showed me.
100) I will live in New York one day. In fact, I started growing my beard on the day I got hijacked (july 15th 2010) and won’t shave it off till the day I arrive in NYC. Its now 16cm long.

So that’s its…feel like you know me better? Or did you just suffer a case of TMI.

Burgy Wonka’s Golden Ticket!

October 12, 2010

I’ve been teasing at this for a while now, and since it’s my bithday today, i can do what i want too and nobody is allowed to complain or tell me it can’t be done.

So, here is the big reveal…

Later this month I was supposed to go to New York for a holiday/research mission, but due to overwhelming circumstances and unexpected expenses that have been well documented throughout my many rants, I was forced to cancel….nay, postpone the trip.

What may surprise you most, is that the trip wasn’t just for me…it was in fact a trip for two.
The other person I was going to take unfortunately did not take it as seriously as they initially promised, and due to severe doubt on my side, i made a hard decision to call it off.

However…now…now things are a bit different.
And this time, I’m going to do it the right way….

In the next 6-8 months, I will be resuming my New York adventure, and will be taking one of you with me! All expenses paid! (ok ok, there are a few fine print details – you need to pay for your visa, and bring your own spending money), but flight and accommodation is on The Burg.

I will cryptically reveal the list of those who all are pre-qualified for this trip, however, people can be added or REMOVED from the list depending our interactions over the next few months. These will be comprised 99.9% of my Friends who have contact with me on Facebook, so if you’ve come to this page via anyplace else, i highly doubt you’ll be in the running.

This is 100% serious, and will help me achieve many goals on my 101 Burg List (yes, if you’re an albino, you’re the current favourite)….

More details to follow in due course, but if you want to get on the list, you must be willing to put up with my scathing wit, depressive moods, and undeniable charm and awkward flirting.

I do this because I can, but you will need to prove worthy of this once in a lifetime opportunity. Life is boring enough as it is, and sometimes you just need to say WTF…and go for it…

I don’t care what your friends, families, husbands, wives, or parents say….that’s for you to worry about

Any questions?

The Burg List – 101 Things to Do Before I Expire

October 4, 2010

I’m discussed at length over the last few months about how many of my nine lives I’ve used up recently, but it’s never been in a self pitying manner. If anything it simply serves to inspire me to continue this amazing adventure that you all have know to know as Burgs life.

Its in that vain I proudly bring to you

And if legend has its way, that will be on November 11th, next year!

The below list is typically me, and nobody should take offensive to anything I mention. However, that being said, as ludicrous (Luda-WHAT?) as it may sound, these are simply my honest thoughts.

The ranking is not an indication of priority, but simply to keep count.

Are you ready? LET’S GO!

1 – Live and work in New York

2 – Find the world’s greatest cup of coffee, even if I have to try them all

3 – Get involved in a random dance battle

4 – See Aerosmith in concert

5 – Take Leona Lewis out on a date, and woo her.

6 – Visit a forgotten civilization and say “Hey, I remember you!”

7 – Taste a great home made pasta…

8 – Get a six pack (even just for the weekend)

9 – Play strip poker – with other people this time.

10 – Bowl a perfect 300 game at 10pin bowling.

11 – Scuba dive

12 – Have my own custom made jacket that everyone envies

13 – Donate a large some of charity, then mysteriously tell the media that I did it.

14 – Own a ridiculously cool, yet highly impractical fish tank

15 – Take on an Indian lover (preferably female!)

16 – Run This town.

17 – Be a mall security guard for day

18 – Win a political election, and then turn it down.

19 – Meet James Franco, have scones with him, and discuss finance.

20 – Read The Catcher in The Rye

21 – Compete in Ninja Warrior

22 – Pretend to be Abe Froman, Sausage King of Chicago for one day.

23 – Ride a horse into town.

24 – Make out with an albino.

25 – Learn 4 languages, Spanish, Italian, Hindi and whatever they speak in Cape Town

26 – Share a great adventure with someone I’ve never met.

27 – Help someone achieve 1 thing on their bucket list

28 – Slap Steve Martin for remaking Pink Panther

29 – Kick Steve Martin in the nuts for making Pink Panther 2

30 – Ask one city “how the %&@ are you doing tonight?” over a microphone.

31 – Have a cameo on Family Guy

32 – Visit Canada

33 – Get my arms completely tattooed

34 – Have a wild Mexican adventure that I’m not allowed to talk about.

35 – Win an Oscar and propose to someone during my acceptance speech.

36 – Get thrown through a glass window

37 – Take part in a Jackass skit.

38 – Have my own posse that includes a giant, a bald midget and a French lady

39 – Write and publish a fiction book, and complete my autobiography.

40 – Experience a Roman Holiday

41 – Show someone the impossible

42 – Leave someone breathless (with the aid of a plastic bag)

43 – Share a scene with Johnny Depp

44 – Have a GOOD sex tape leaked on line

45 – Feel love reciprocated

46 – Under a pseudonym, become a hated columnist

47 – Tell Ashley Tisdale “I think we’re moving too fast”

48 – Tell Selena Gomez “I think we’re stuck in a rut”

49 – Drink a cocktail in Hawaii, and only there.

50 – Meet the female version of myself

51 – Attend a monkey’s wedding.

52 – Watch an American Football game in person.

53 – Visit Asia

54 – Have my own action figure

55 – Get into a fighting defending someone’s honour

56 – Star in a Bollywood dance scene.

57 – Experience a white Christmas. And then one with snow.

58 – Learn the guitar…for real this time.

59 – Paint a female nude (as in a portrait, not with body paint)

60 – Bring back VCRs

61 – Make one appearance on a WWE televised event.

62 – Organize a music festival called Burg Stock.

63 – Go on a boat cruise.

64 – Wrestle a bear

65 – Attend a parade…that doesn’t have the words “gay” or “pride” in it

66 – Have lazer eye surgery.

67 – Seduce someone with a sexy dance.

68 – Have Jessica Alba and Salma Hayek get into a fight over me

69 – Record a novelty song that makes it to #2 on the UK charts.

70 – Watch a soccer game in every country that plays it professionally.

71 – Tell someone “You sir, are a douchebag”

72 – Complete a game of Sudoku on hard.

73 – Develop and co-host “Burgs of a Feather” – a battle of the sexes type game show

74 – Be mistaken for being 18.

75 – Help someone realize their true beauty

76 – Star in a film set in the days of King Arthur

77 – Grow the world’s coolest beard….again.

78 – Open a 1920’s themed club called “Burgz” – the sign will be in neon lights.

79 – Research & Film a segment for a BBC Wildlife series

80 – Compete in one cage fight.

81 – Own my own grand piano, and force myself to learn by ear.

82 – Attend a function with twins as my plus 1.

83 – Bury a hatchet.

84 – Marry a teenage bride

85 – Have relations with an old high school crush…again.

86 – Ride a tractor on a farm, wearing no shirt.

87 – Own the world’s greatest collection of movies.

88 – Treat someone to a trip to New York so that can understand my passion.

89 – Tell a stranger how beautiful she is, and just keep walking. (she must of course be hot)

90 – Jump off a cliff (hopefully into deep water)

91 – Have a picture taken of me wearing a Park Ranger’s outfit.

92 – Launch an online scavenger hunt show called – Burg Quest

93 – Get home insurance

94 – Visit my mentor in Australia.

95 – Start a hit internet show with a panel of experts analyzing fantasy matchups between pop culture action stars.

96 – Interrupt Kanye.

97 – Reform the Bionic Six….with 5 people.

98 – Compete on Survivor

99 – Attend all 4 tennis majors in my lifetime.

100 – Discover a new fruit

101 – Have a crowd chant my name in unison.

That’s it…for now.
If you can help me achieve any of these…please…put your name forward…you will be helping this boy live his dreams. Give now…and give generously.

The One With All The Birthdays (Part 2)

September 22, 2010

Well after last nights trip down nightmare lane, I definitely needed a breather before tackling part two of my The One with All the Birthdays Blog.

And I tell you, post 2000, things did not get any better…in fact that slope became that much more slippyer(?)… um…slipperier…(?) …ok, you get the point.

2003 – 25th Birthday

25…a quarter century old. However by this time…I felt about 80yrs old (how does an 80yr old feel? With his hands of course…badda bing) The year leading up to my birthday had been nothing short of tragic. I the last 12 months, I had lost my gran, who died on my late brother’s birthday (and if you remember, her birthday was 2 days before mine) AND I lost my closest cousin who shockingly took his own life. I know right? You couldn’t make this shizniz up.

I was working in a job I hated, and admittedly, I lost all interest in giving my all to the job, especially since the landscape change there had put idiots in charge. And all my standing up for my rights stood for nothing there.

The only saving grace I had was that I was headed to the UK for the month of my birthday to stay with my other cousin who had moved there (who I haven’t spoken to since and miss tremendously)

After an amazing London adventure, (that was ironically repeated earlier this year), I spent my birthday in Leicester with cousin and his wife, and of course British weather does nothing for one’s mood.

Homesick, yet in no hurry to return to my job, I braved my birthday for the sake of survival….not knowing what awaited me when I got back. The biggest screw job of a dismissal known to man. If anyone wants to read the expose I wrote after my firing…let me know…I went out Burg style 🙂

2004 – 26th birthday

After officially being terminated from my job in February of this year, thinks got worse when my mom lost her job a month later. So suddenly from a two income house, we were down to a zero income house.

I took my sudden unemployment as a sign that this was the kick in the butt I needed to follow my dreams and go from 8 years in the IT industry into journalism and entertainment – where my heart truly laid.

Jobs in the industry were few and far between, but I tried for anything that may sound even remotely like the TV, music or media field I was dying to get in.

I got some extras work on TV an minor roles in ads, but nothing significant, and the money began drying up quickly.

Thankfully, I got given a chance to shine as a writer for the website of a reality show that ran for 3 months called Project Fame. The job was amazing and the breakthrough that lead me to where I am today.(I even have a tattoo commemorating the date).

However, the pay wasn’t great, and I remember at the interview saying I would be happy with a bucket of chicken for my salary. ( I think that’s what nailed the job for me)

As all good things, it came to an end. And the next 8 months I sat unemployed, trying to just make it to the next source of income. I lost a helluva lot of friends who couldn’t understand how I could allow this to happen instead of just getting another job in IT.

The night my mom and I had old stale ice cream cones for dinner…I knew that I would never let this happen again.

Anyways, long story short. My birthday came and went without any acknowledgement. No friends, no money, no food.

On the plus side, I think for the first time I reached my “ideal weight”

Wow…ok….my eyes are actually burning from the tears right now…um…I mean the dust…there is so much dust in here (that’s right im writing my blog from an abandoned warehouse).

2006 – 28th Birthday

After spending the last 2 years moving from awesome job to awesomer job, I managed to fulfill my ambitions of working for some of the brightest and best. I forged out careers as a writer for magazines, I worked for TV, hosted shows, acted in a few movies, I gave The Burg life…I had made friends (and enemies) and by October 2006 I was working for my hero in a record label that he helped build. I had made it to where I wanted to be…(for then).

What better way to celebrate, my birthday, than with my first officially Birthday dinner!
I had know my work colleagues for about 2 months. I had known my Myspace friends for what seemed like forever. I had old work associates that promised they would love to stay in touch.

The perfect invite list for a meaningful dinner….

Through the help of one of my new work mates, we organized a good restaurant and booked about 20 seats.

Nervous that I didn’t even have enough money in the bank to pay for myself I knew this would be a disaster…but hey it was my birthday, surely people would pitch in for a dinner right?

I arrived at the restaurant about 2 hours before the dinner was meant to start and ordered a coke light…which took exactly 2 hours to drink.

Let’s do the math again since we love numbers

Out of the 20 people I invited, 15 showed up. That was HUGE
Out of the 15 people who showed up, 5 I had known for less than six months, 4 of them I was meeting for the first time, and 5 of them I am still in touch with today.

My most awkward moment…smsing a friend at the table asking him if I could borrow money to pay for my meal. Yeah, real classy of me.

2007 – 29th Birthday

Ah, this…this was a special one.

During my year I had met the love of my life. I had fallen hopelessly in love with her, and for the first time thought about things I was normally 100% against. Marriage, children, sex in public restrooms….

Ok…ignore that last part.

I had spent most of the year trying to woo her. Yes, I still use the word woo because I’m old skool like that. We had gone out a number of times, I had met, and liked to thing I was like by, her family. Everything was there for the perfect life… except…she didn’t believe in it. She was never sure how she felt about me, she was scared to make a choice…and ultimately, I don’t think she believed I was genuine about the way I felt with her…

They were the most intense, happiest, most painful months of my life…and ultimately, nothing ever happened between us. Not so much as even a kiss…

For months it was like being the boy in the plastic bubble.
I fell for her…hard….and truth is, no matter how bad things became, no matter how much it hurt, I still love her to this day, and she will probably never know how much….

After making her birthday, by her own admission, one of the best ever, she in turn promised me that my birthday would be special too. (uh oh).

By September things had broken down to the point where she didn’t want to speak to me or see me every again. I of course, had to try everything I knew to try and win her heart, but in the end…ended up pushing her too far away to ever get back.

Then come October, I was in the greatest depression since, well, since The Great Depression. I knew I had to get away from everything. With my birthday coming up, it may just be the straw that broke this cameltoe’s back.

The week before my birthday I knew what I had to do.
I had to disappear from it all. I needed to leave in order to save myself.

My birthday arrived, and I couldn’t wait for it to end. Then the morning after I packed a bag, and left home with no money, and no food and headed out.

I drove. I drove from 9am until 2am the next morning. Getting lost on deserted farm roads, almost flipping my car trying to avoid a rabbit in the road, but loving every minute of it.

For the next 11 days, I drove through 5 provinces, relying on the kindess of others to take care of food and accommodation (because I was still dead broke at this time too.)

I had what people call and epiphany.

The whole journey was documented by me and my little video camera, and in fact you can view most all of it here –

When I returned I was a new person. And as always a big moment in my life calls for a tattoo. Now forever on my left forearm, it read simply – “Love Thyself”

2009 – 2010
Last year was actually fairly timid birthday, I endured the singing of happy birthday in our staff meeting, I even left the balloons on my door long enough for the party planners to be satisfied, and the rest of the day I spent it in my office till as late as possible before heading to a late night cd/dvd store to do the thing that makes me happy. Browse.

The question is, what will this year bring? 2010 has been one of the single most eventful years of my life. (Yes! Over and above what you have read up until now) and seeing as though i’m hoping its my last birthday in this country…I even thought about having dinner with some of my nearest and dearest friends…

*it was at this moment the world gave a collective sigh and said in unison….This kid just doesn’t learn!*

*Ding Dong* – Just a second, I’ll be right there

September 19, 2010

So that last blog was quite the global phenomenon eh?

Sheesh…I never expected it to explode like it did.

After receiving over 3000 hits thanks to being featured on the freshly pressed section of the WordPress home page, it would seem like my popularity has soared….this is one scary notion.

The Mug Blog now officially enters my Hall of Fame along with The Man Crush blog…which was a doozy in itself.

But seeing my blog crack the number 3 position on the list of Fastest Growing Blogs on WordPress is seemingly a double edged sword.

Suddenly I feel so much pressure as to what my next blog will be.. So please allow me some time and patience to wrap my head around the next one….because clearly the eyes of the world are watching!

24: The Lost Episode (based on actual events)

October 12, 2009

The Following takes place between 5pm-6pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

2 Floors beneath the city centre, a secret organization (CTU) sets into motion a series of events that will forever change the lives of those involved – in a mere 24 hours.

Head of the secret organization (CTU): “ Ladies and Gentleman, today we launch an event so traumatic, that will tear apart our very own organization as we know it…the year end Christmas Function!”

Meanwhile, on some random street a cell phone rings and a familiar voice answers: “Bauer….”
…“Jack, its Chloe…we have a situation”…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6pm-7pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Chloe…? I’m undercover…you’re not supposed to call me on this line”
“I know Jack…but its urgent…I’m uploaded an email that was intercepted on our server within the last hour”
“Ok…it’s coming through now”
There is a deafening silence broken only by a passing car hooter.
“Jack….are you there? Jack??”
“I’m here Chloe…are you sure about this…has anyone else seen this email?”
“…everyone jack…”

Jack responds ominously “Then God help us all…”
“I’m afraid so Jack…another Christmas Party”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 8pm-9pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

There is a buzz around CTU headquarters as everyone reads their emails. Programmers are already instant messaging chat rooms and arranging dates for the Xmas Party. The finance ladies are planning their travel routes and subsidising extra expenses…

However two CTU agents are in heavy discussion about a more serious nature.
Special Agents Tony Almeida & Michelle Dessler:

Michelle: “Tony…Chloe found Jack…he’s alive and undercover”
Tony: “What??? …dammit Michelle…ok…does Kim know?”
Michelle” “We’re not sure…”

Suddenly Kim Bauer, Jack’s daughter appears in sight…

Tony approaches her..“Kim…we need to talk”….he grabs her arm and they disappear into a nearby Interrogation room.

Michelle watches from outside as Kim breaks down into tears and hugs Tony.

Tony rejoins Michelle
Tony: “She knew”
Michelle: “Then what was all the tears about?”
Tony: “…she’s worried about having to find Jack a date for the Christmas Party…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 10pm-11pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
A cellphone rings
“Jack…it’s Tony”
“Godammit Tony…whats the point of being undercover if everyone’s going to keep phoning me!”
“I’m sorry Jack…we’re bringing you in….”
“No Tony…not know…I’m days away from finding out what went wrong with the Idols votes…”
“We all wanna know Jack…but you know this is more important….we have to find you a date”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 11pm-12am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Back at CTU headquarters.
Everyone stops what they are doing at the sign of agent Jack Bauer walking through the corridors of CTU.

Tony Almeida speaks up, “Jack, we’re here to help you…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12am-1am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “ No…it’s too dangerous…I’ll find my own date!”

Tony Almeida: “How Jack? You say the same thing every year…now let us help before more people have to die….”

Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use a dating agency”

Just then, several explosions go off around the city as every dating agency in town is bombed by terrorists.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1am-2am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use find someone on the internet”

Just then, a deadly virus is released by terrorists onto the internet destroying every major system in the financial and municipal sectors.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2am-3am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll ask President Palmer if I can go with his sister”

Just then, a CTU phone operator speaks up “Agent Almeida…its President Palmer…he says his sister….has….has…been assassinated by terrorists!”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3am-4am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll fly out tonight and bring back a wife from Russia”

Just then, Russia prepares a nuclear attack on the US….a terrorist group takes responsibility for the announcing of a pending attack

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4am-5am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Oh c’mon!!!! Seriously? A Nuclear attack what is this 1986??”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 5am-6am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
CTU headquarters is on edge. Agent Michelle Dessler is the voice of reason…
“Ok guys..its late…none of us have had any sleep….what say we get some shut eye and give this some fresh thinking…?”
Everyone agrees…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6am-7am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 7am-8am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 8am-9am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 9am-10am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 10am-11am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 11am-12pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Tony Almeida reconvenes the CTU…
“Ok guys….right now we need suggestions…time is running out, Jack will be awake soon, and lives are at stake here!”

Special Agent Chloe O’Brian speak ups…”Um….guys…I have an idea…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12pm-1pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Tony, trust me…I can do it …”
“No Chloe…its too dangerous…”
“Tony…I want to do it…”, continues Chloe
“….you sure?”
Chloe nods…

“ok…someone wake up Jack….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1pm-2pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Dammit No Chloe, I can’t put you in danger….” bellows Special Agent Jack Bauer.
“Jack its ok…I want to go to the Christmas Party with you”…

“But what if….what if people talk?? There’s no way you can go to a work Christmas Party with someone you work with…especially not if…”

Jack stops short of revealing something he’s been wanting to say for months now…

….Chloe pushes him…”not if what Jack….?”

Jack finally gives in “…especially not if you’re in love with your colleague….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2pm-3pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Less than an hour ago, Special Agent Jack Bauer revealed his feelings for his colleague Chloe O’Brian after she volunteered to be his plus one at the year end Xmas function.

“Jack…I’m sorry… I didn’t know”….
“It wouldn’t have made a difference either way though…right?”…laments Jack

“Jack…maybe we should try find you someone else…I don’t think I thought this out properly”

“DAMMIT Chloe, we don’t have time!”

“Why don’t you go with Special Agent Mary Wallbanger?”

“C’mon Chloe…her name says it all…”

“I don’t know Jack…I need to rethink this”….

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3pm-4pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Chloe is still thinking

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4pm-5pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Ok Jack…I’ll go with you on one condition”

Jack says without hesitation “anything…”

Chloe takes a deep breath and says “We can still be friends after this…”


You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry….

September 26, 2009

What a week.
Just another in a seemingly endless stream of events of a year I like to call the “Tragicomedy”.

Undoubtedly I will recap the events as a whole in an end of the year blog, but for right now I need to share the events of my week.
And since I’m watching Three’s Company season 6 right now, I’m in a great mood to write.

On VERY short notice, I’ve been invited to attend a conference in Amsterdam next week, (therefore needing to fly out by the 6th October)…. Which is all hugely exciting news, except for the fact that my passport expired six months ago – Murphy is clearly handling my travel arrangements.

So…it’s on that basis that I’ve been rushing around trying to organize a Passport (and visa once that’s sorted!)

On Monday, I headed out to the Home Affairs office in downtown Johannesburg, a busy and crime ridden part of the country…as opposed to say…Fourways or Sandton, where crime doesn’t exist.

After driving up and down the 1-way roads that dominated the streets of Jozi, I eventually found parking about six blocks away from the Home Affairs office. That only took 40 minutes. I walked the six blocks in constant fear that my car would be a) stolen b) broken into c) replaced with an exact replica of my car except equipped with a tracking device and hidden camera.

Now, I’ve never been one to be paranoid, but walking in the streets of Jozi, there is a certain panic that follows you, particularly if you are an asian of the cauc kind.

Eventually I got to Home Affairs, sweat already pouring down my arms, and tension building up.

The ground floor was an empty ghost town except for the queue of people waiting for the lift to take them to the appropriate level of irritation. Since I’m in my athletic prime, I decided to take the stairs to the 5th floor.

Off I went.

1st floor. Skipped a few steps and I pranced up the two sets of stairs.
2nd floor. After feeling the burn, I took one step at a time
3rd floor. Took each step two feet at a time.
Between 3rd and 4th floor. Took a break.
4th floor. Prayed for death.
5th floor. Is this an oasis I see before me?

Enter the hall of passports – where order is not on the menu.
I managed to make my way to the counter where I asked for a contact our company travel agent had recommended, who may be able to help me a bit more…speedily…as a favour of course.

Finally a large Afrikaans lady with the most irritated look on her made her way towards me. I thought it was slow motion, but her hair was not blowing, so clearly it was her…um…personality weighing her down.

In all of two seconds she said she can’t help me and I must go stand in line.
I asked if there was someone who took passport photos in the building. Quick answer was no. The long answer was I’d have to go outside the building to one of the dodgy freelance photographers that stalked citizens of the streets of Joburg.

This time I was smart and waiting a few minutes for the lift. And then joined the other four people who made up the “Not more that 12 people in the lift at a time”. The stench, the clearing of phlegm and screaming babies made me reminisce about that one time I went up the 5 flights of stairs.

Back on the street I was quickly offered the best price for photos and escorted into a dark corner building with the windows blacked out. After stripping off… all my jewelry, I took my photos and made my way back to Home Affairs.

Queue for smelly lift… or climb the Andes again.

1st floor. Only four more to go.
2nd floor. Light headed
3rd floor. Eyes began rolling back
Between 3rd and 4th floor. Took a break.
4th floor. Legs unable to maintain weight
5th floor. Loss of bladder control.

I made my way through the lengthy process of completing forms and such and was told I should have my passport in 10 days if i’m lucky. (“Define lucky” I thought…)

Two hours later I finally could make my way back to my car, and hopefully not the space where I would have to say “hey, i’m sure that’s where I parked it”.

One block up and tall thin black guy walk passed me and bumped into me…I ignored him and then he shouted that he was sorry, I turned to him and said don’t worry about . BIG MISTAKE.

He came up to me and started hugging me and said he’s so sorry and started holding me and blocking my arms, finally I was able to push him away.

I immediately looked down at my pockets and saw my brand new phone was gone.
When I looked up, he was nowhere to be seen.

I shouted out “where did he go!?!”

The lady walking up the road said to me, “He’s down there” and she pointed him out, 2 blocks behind me!

Then, my Adamantium claws came out and I rampaged after the guy, running across two busy roads without even checking traffic.

I caught up to him, and without even thinking I punched the guy on the side of the face, knocking him down, I demanded my phone, and he started laughing and said “I’m just joking” and handed back my phone. Then he got up and ran away.

The guys around me told me I should’ve killed him. Yes, I can’t really argue that logic. Now bare in mind, I’m the most non violent person you will ever meet. But wrong day…. wrong time mr. mugger. So ridiculously out of character for me

I reported the incident to the Metro Police a few blocks down, they just shrugged it out. Can’t blame them. This happens more often than it doesn’t.

On a total buzz I made my way back to my car – still there (although I haven’t been able to find the hidden camera).

As I relayed the story to everyone, I was commended for my actions, and the general feeling was that I was not a victim. In the meantime my hand began to swell, and I feared in broke my hand in my girlfight. (the hand has since recovered, thanks for your concern)

My whole assessment of the situation?
1) Its reason 1024 that I hate the country I am forced to live in.
2) I am indeed becoming a Wolverine of rage that is not going to take cr@p from anyone. This also scares me as I have ZERO tolerance anymore. The rage I have inside me came out in a good way…this time.
3) My “tensionergy” is at fever pitch right now, leading to several incidents over the last few days.

Shoo…its going to be a busy week.
Hopefully I get my passport and Visa sorted out, and I head out to see the Dykes.

Then its only a 2 weeks til my birthday. If you wanna see rage…test me on that day universe.

Now… how YOU doin’?