Posts Tagged ‘death’

Happy Anniversary! (well. except for the happy part)

June 30, 2011

Anniversary is generally a term that’s used for celebration or a not so subtle reminder that an expensive gift is due. For people like me, the word is used several times a year for a more forlorn purpose.

I always hit a major funk during this second quarter of the year, in fact May, June and July in particular are heavy going.

In May it’s the anniversary of my brother’s death.
In June it’s my late dad’s birthday, and the anniversary of my cousin’s death.
In July it’s my brother’s birthday, and on the exact same day, the anniversary of my Gran’s death.

Sure there are more deaths and anniversaries spread out across the rest of the year, but for these three months, the world seems like one long cruel joke.

It seemingly gets more difficult as the years pass, I think particular because milestones start hitting.

Things like people being dead for longer than you knew them alive for. That’s always a hard one.

Sometimes for a split second I forget what my dad looks like, and that hurts a lot, of course I’ll never actually forget what he looks like, but for that brief moment I’m angry with myself.

I miss my Gran tremendously. She was always the rock that kept the extended family together. In truth I don’t really feel like I have any family anymore, apart from my mom of course. It sad, but it’s a reality. I maybe see certain family members once every few years, but there are no longer family gatherings like there used to be back in the day. True, we’ve all grown up now…well…those of us that are left.

My cousin’s death was a strange one. Particularly based on what the family went through with my brother’s suicide. There are perhaps more unanswered questions to his death than with my brother’s. I will always be thankful that I got to spend time with my cousin in New York. We all know about my desire to get back there. Andre was the only guy who saw how happy I was there and that for me it was perfect contentment. Nobody else has ever seen me that way. I miss him so much because he truly supported my dream and was proud of all my achievements. I’ve never felt anyone else being that proud of me,

I’ve been into detail about my brother’s death before, so I won’t touch on that now, but what I will say is that my brother’s death is what has put my life into the situation it is now. Both good and bad. I’m angry with him and always will be, but I don’t blame him for what he did. I understand, and I do feel him got the better deal outta all this.

Anyways…I know we all have our share of bad days. I guess in this case, it’s just best to fake a smile and waves boys….

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Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 3: Surviving Love & Life

February 28, 2011

Welcome to the third and final partof The Essential Collection. This selection of blogs recollects the blogs that shocked so many people. From skeletons in my closet to details of the tragedies i have faced (and avoiding several of my own from suicide to being hijacked). These all took so much out of me, and opened myself up to a LOT of criticism. However, it also provided a lot of people with solace in their own lives. From dealing with abuse, or feelings of inadequacy, or even surviving a tragedy of their own, there were so many of you who contact me to thank me for being “brave” enough to write the words i did, and for that I will always continue to be honest in my words.

Part 3.1: Surviving Love

My 100th Blog post: XoXoXo – My Feelings on Hugs & Kisses
My 100th blog turned into something a bit heavier than I was planning on. My feelings on getting physical.

“Hey didn’t I see you out with a hot girl last night…?”
Yes you did. I still like her, but we haven’t seen each other since this day

The Dating Dilemma – An Anatomy of My Love Life
An expose into my current love life situation. It’s explosive…if somewhat embarrassing.

Back then we called it Charming. Today they call it Stalking
I’ve always been able to find out everyone about someone I knew nothing about…now it just seems a tad creepy.

I Fell in Like Last Week…
Pretty self explanatory right?

Burg’s Laws of Attraction – A Tale of Sex and Romance
Exactly what kind of girl gets my attention? Who am I most likely to pick out of a crowd? The answers may surprise you.

The Trouble With Love

Yeah, I’ve been in love. A few times in my life. This is one such time, and as usual…I was love’s beeyatch.

The Contenders – Take A little piece of my heart now baby…
I love the feeling of having a crush on someone…sometimes a few people at a time. This was a list of the 15 women I was crushing on a few months ago. As of today only 4 remain of that list (with a few new ones of course) The Columnist, The Newbie, The Girl and The Muse.

I Just Landed in NYC!!! A Look at Love, Sex, and Friendly Relations
Without a male influence in my life, my view on love and sex is somewhat…skewed.

The Guy with The Awesome Personality
OF course guys have body issues. I swim in a t-shirt for a reason. This is the blog guys don’t want you to read.

Dude, babe at 9 o’clock giving you the eye…
My original thoughts on signals girls give off…they clearly haven’t change much over the years.

The Little Green Guy (no not mini Hulk)
I’m a walking contradiction when it comes to love and friendships. This could be due to my bipolar disorder I’m sure….

Part 3.2: Surviving Life

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry….

A terrible year in my life started off with a mugging…

Rich Burg, Poor Burg: A story about Money

The Riches to rags, to riches story of ….me.

How to leave a job – The Burg way…(Part 1) How To Leave A Job – The Burg Way (Part 2)
A classic two part blog covering almost 13 years of my life and the jobs I loved and left. A favourite amongst former colleagues.

What Would The Neighbors Think? (Part 1)

A deeply draining blog that reveals only a portion of the things that have happened in the house of Burg. I will come back to part 2 eventually.

High School Confidential: Part 1 – NEVER FAIL!
For the first time I revealed the pain and darkness I had to deal with while trying to survive school. Including the details behind my own brother’s suicide.

High School Confidential: Part 2 – When It Rains, It Pours
Part 2 of the hardest blog I ever had to write. The secrets continue to be revealed.

Hey, remember that time I tried to end it?
Yup. Another suicide story. This time I think we got the answers we wanted.

The One With All The Birthdays (Part 1) The One With All The Birthdays (Part 2)
Finally everyone understands why I hate my own birthday. A selection of the worst birthday’s I’ve had to endure.

A Normal Day in South Africa..
The day I got hijacked and lost the last remaining iota of love and respect I had for this country I’m stuck in. I have not been the same since.

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So that’s it…after 100 blogs, I’ve picked out the best of the best. Did I leave of anything you would of liked to have seen here? My book will expand on so many of these topics, and fill in a lot of blanks i have deliberately left out in some stories. I hope you will continue to support my work, because I really do believe these are the blog that helped me define who I am as a writer, and for the first time…I’m excited and confident that this is what I am meant to do with my life.

Hey, remember that time I tried to end it?

November 2, 2010

As i continue reading all my old blogs i find myself shocked at some of the states of minds i have been in, but also as i build up to a big reveal in my life I do feel its important to share my life with the loyal readers of this blog. Good or Bad, its important that you know and understand as much about me as humanly possibly.

The following blog was originally written on the 4 May 2007. The content is very heavy, and you should use your own disclaimer when reading it.

It must be noted that I am no longer in “that place” and I do understand life a lot better. While i speak often about how alone I am, I made a promise to myself that I would never go this low again.
Beside I know have this “Love Thyself” tattoo on my forearm…so I would never let that be forgotton.

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For three weeks now I’ve been living with an incident that could of gone one of two ways, and the fact that I’m writing this probably means it went the other way I guess.

Firstly, the reason for me writing what you are about to read is not for attention seeking purposes, but for me to put my feelings and actions into words so that I can process it and understand what it is I was doing at the time, and how it makes me feel.

Secondly, if you get offended by my life, stay out of it…seriously. Advice is one thing, unhelpful meddling is another. I am who I am, good or bad…its all I know how to be.

On Friday 13th April I headed out to Sun City for the SAMA awards. During the day and the evening before, I had been in a very bad argument at home, and both my mom and I agreed it would be best if I drove my car off a cliff and did everyone a favour.

Seeing as it was a company car…I didn’t intend doing that…but yes, I felt it was time, and I made peace with the fact that I was ready to end it.

My plan was to find peace in a far off place and slowly let it end. Heck I was prepared, I ever took razor blades…and if you know me, you know I don’t shave too often…so point proven.

After a frustrating ride there including getting lost for 2 hours. I eventually arrived in Sun City, checked in and showed my face around town so people knew I was there.

The Friday itself was pretty uneventful, but I took it as my time to have one last look at everyone….I turned in early that night, and went an lay on my hotel bed.

Thoughts were racing through my mind, and I was restless.I went for a walk and ended up lost in some wilderness…awesome.

Eventually I got back to the room at about 3am and passed out from exhaustion.

Then Saturday came, and I spent some time taking in the scenery, spending the time just making sure of what I wanted to do. And there was no doubt….

I went back to the hotel room in the late afternoon, ran myself a bath….laid out all my clothes for the evening’s event….and then switched on my laptop and played Jim Reeves…..

I then opened up word, and wrote a letter with the words – “It was too heavy”

As I laid in the bath I had a set of razors next to me, and toyed around with them for a bit…not taking too long to realize I didn’t have the guts to cut myself (even though I knew the rule was to cut down and not across).

I began to cry at the fact that I wasn’t even man enough to end it.
Then it dawned on me…all I need to do was close my eyes and fall asleep….a tub full of water would do the rest…

I sent a few sms’ to some ppl, just telling them I missed them. Then I relaxed, opened the tap and layed back…

It felt like minutes…then it felt like hours…and suddenly…I just felt myself nodding off when from under the water….I heard the room phone ring.

As a knee jerk reaction I suddenly woke up and was alert….i let the phone ring a few times to make sure it wasn’t just me hearing things.

I made my way to the phone, but it stopped ringing before I got there. (It later turned out it was a work colleague who phoned me to see if I wanted to get dinner).

It slowly began to dawn on my how low I was, just how much I didn’t care anymore.
I sat on the floor, crying into the towel for at least an hour.

Eventually I pulled myself together, got dressed and met up with my friend marcus, and in what can only be deemed the greatest case of reverse psychology managed to get him and his girlfriend to crash with me for the night “so they could have a good rest”…but for me, I knew I needed someone there.

The rest of the evening went off as planned I guess.
The Sunday came, I ate breakfast and reflected on everything.

I drove slowly back….almost cursing myself for failing.

Over these last 3 weeks, I’ve tried, to make sense of everything
And I haven’t really….I’ve been so lost.

And so many people from my past have come back into my life…I’m trying to take them as signs, because Lord knows I need sign.

It makes me think back to a previous blog where I said in order to find myself I need to look into the past….there is something there…whether its an old friend…or someone I was supposed to meet, but missed them somewhere along the way.

This past Monday, I broke down mentally and I didn’t know what to do.
It took every last bit of courage I had to ask someone for help, and without batting an eyelid they did.
They sorted out all my problems, bar the odd manageable one.

Now a few days later I see a light….

Its not that far away anymore, but there will always be these moments where I get pulled back into the darkness.

But for the first time in over 20 years…I have hope…and strength….and idea of who I am….or rather…who I want to be.

I’m not a good person…I’m not a bad person…I’m just trying to be human. Flaws and all.

Learning to love myself is the hardest thing I will ever try and do….but I’m willing to try…and that’s a start…right?

RIP John Hughes (1950-2009)

August 6, 2009

Another day, another Iconic death.

John Hughes 01
Today we lost one of the most loved writer/directors in John Hughes.

Hughes died of a heart attack at the age of 59, but left us with movies that will last us for the rest of our lives.

If you grew up a teen in the 80s, there’s no way his work didn’t have an impact your youth.

He wrote and directed:
Sixteen Candles
The Breakfast Club
Weird Science
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Planes, Trains & Automobiles

When he wasn’t directing however, he continued his writing work with classics such as:

National Lampoons Vacation movies
Some Kind of Wonderful
The Great Outdoors
Home Alone
Beethoven

Of course his body of work included so much more, each of the above movies had a significant impact on both my love for movies and writing.

Hughes showcased the best in young and upcoming talent, and got the best out of comic legends. John Candy, Steve Martin, Charles Grodin, Chevy Chase, Dan Ackroyd, Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez,Macaulay Culkin, Anthony Michael Hall,Matthew Broderick

I always hoped Hughes would give us one more classic, but he long ago retired from directing, and now…well…it just simply one of those thing that will never happen.

RIP John Hughes, and thank you for making me love movies.