As i continue reading all my old blogs i find myself shocked at some of the states of minds i have been in, but also as i build up to a big reveal in my life I do feel its important to share my life with the loyal readers of this blog. Good or Bad, its important that you know and understand as much about me as humanly possibly.
The following blog was originally written on the 4 May 2007. The content is very heavy, and you should use your own disclaimer when reading it.
It must be noted that I am no longer in “that place” and I do understand life a lot better. While i speak often about how alone I am, I made a promise to myself that I would never go this low again.
Beside I know have this “Love Thyself” tattoo on my forearm…so I would never let that be forgotton.
For three weeks now I’ve been living with an incident that could of gone one of two ways, and the fact that I’m writing this probably means it went the other way I guess.
Firstly, the reason for me writing what you are about to read is not for attention seeking purposes, but for me to put my feelings and actions into words so that I can process it and understand what it is I was doing at the time, and how it makes me feel.
Secondly, if you get offended by my life, stay out of it…seriously. Advice is one thing, unhelpful meddling is another. I am who I am, good or bad…its all I know how to be.
On Friday 13th April I headed out to Sun City for the SAMA awards. During the day and the evening before, I had been in a very bad argument at home, and both my mom and I agreed it would be best if I drove my car off a cliff and did everyone a favour.
Seeing as it was a company car…I didn’t intend doing that…but yes, I felt it was time, and I made peace with the fact that I was ready to end it.
My plan was to find peace in a far off place and slowly let it end. Heck I was prepared, I ever took razor blades…and if you know me, you know I don’t shave too often…so point proven.
After a frustrating ride there including getting lost for 2 hours. I eventually arrived in Sun City, checked in and showed my face around town so people knew I was there.
The Friday itself was pretty uneventful, but I took it as my time to have one last look at everyone….I turned in early that night, and went an lay on my hotel bed.
Thoughts were racing through my mind, and I was restless.I went for a walk and ended up lost in some wilderness…awesome.
Eventually I got back to the room at about 3am and passed out from exhaustion.
Then Saturday came, and I spent some time taking in the scenery, spending the time just making sure of what I wanted to do. And there was no doubt….
I went back to the hotel room in the late afternoon, ran myself a bath….laid out all my clothes for the evening’s event….and then switched on my laptop and played Jim Reeves…..
I then opened up word, and wrote a letter with the words – “It was too heavy”
As I laid in the bath I had a set of razors next to me, and toyed around with them for a bit…not taking too long to realize I didn’t have the guts to cut myself (even though I knew the rule was to cut down and not across).
I began to cry at the fact that I wasn’t even man enough to end it.
Then it dawned on me…all I need to do was close my eyes and fall asleep….a tub full of water would do the rest…
I sent a few sms’ to some ppl, just telling them I missed them. Then I relaxed, opened the tap and layed back…
It felt like minutes…then it felt like hours…and suddenly…I just felt myself nodding off when from under the water….I heard the room phone ring.
As a knee jerk reaction I suddenly woke up and was alert….i let the phone ring a few times to make sure it wasn’t just me hearing things.
I made my way to the phone, but it stopped ringing before I got there. (It later turned out it was a work colleague who phoned me to see if I wanted to get dinner).
It slowly began to dawn on my how low I was, just how much I didn’t care anymore.
I sat on the floor, crying into the towel for at least an hour.
Eventually I pulled myself together, got dressed and met up with my friend marcus, and in what can only be deemed the greatest case of reverse psychology managed to get him and his girlfriend to crash with me for the night “so they could have a good rest”…but for me, I knew I needed someone there.
The rest of the evening went off as planned I guess.
The Sunday came, I ate breakfast and reflected on everything.
I drove slowly back….almost cursing myself for failing.
Over these last 3 weeks, I’ve tried, to make sense of everything
And I haven’t really….I’ve been so lost.
And so many people from my past have come back into my life…I’m trying to take them as signs, because Lord knows I need sign.
It makes me think back to a previous blog where I said in order to find myself I need to look into the past….there is something there…whether its an old friend…or someone I was supposed to meet, but missed them somewhere along the way.
This past Monday, I broke down mentally and I didn’t know what to do.
It took every last bit of courage I had to ask someone for help, and without batting an eyelid they did.
They sorted out all my problems, bar the odd manageable one.
Now a few days later I see a light….
Its not that far away anymore, but there will always be these moments where I get pulled back into the darkness.
But for the first time in over 20 years…I have hope…and strength….and idea of who I am….or rather…who I want to be.
I’m not a good person…I’m not a bad person…I’m just trying to be human. Flaws and all.
Learning to love myself is the hardest thing I will ever try and do….but I’m willing to try…and that’s a start…right?