Posts Tagged ‘girls’

A Love Letter To A Girl I’ve Never Met…

July 25, 2011

It’s not often I taken the time to write a blog dedicated to someone in particular, but then again its not often I write these days either.

During my self imposed sabbatical over the last few months, I’ve sat back and watched everyone do the things I’ve dreamed of.

It seems like everyone has become a writer. Everyone has travelled (specifically to New York!), and it seems everyone has found love or contentment.

As I struggle more and more with making it through life, and as an overwhelming sense of sadness continues to engulf me, it becomes harder and harder to find things that make me feel good, or more so, inspired.

At times I feel like the forgotten. The guy that everyone only thinks about when something bad happens to me.

Of course, deep down, I know it’s not true. Still I am constantly searching for some form of happiness.

When I wake up each morning, I think of a reason to put in an effort in this world. It’s pretty hard some most days, but when I’m in doubt, or when there is simply no clear reason, I think of this girl that inspires me.

I’ve never met her, but for some reason I was drawn to her …through so many twisting roads I stumbled across just to get to her.

Of course the knee jerk reaction is that this is just another one of my absurd crushes. And yes, on some level it probably is.

When I come online in the day, the first thing I do is try and see if she is online. When she is, I spend the next hour trying to think of something cool and breezy to say to her just to engage in conversation. Some days I simply just chicken out as I know I could never make her day as she makes mine.

She is beautiful in so many ways. Stunningly gorgeous, talented, witty as all hell, smart… you know…everything that makes her way outta my league.

Her way of life and more importantly the way she views the world, gives me hope in a hopeless world. I follow her career from afar and support every decision she makes – not that she needs it.

I don’t think she will ever realize how much of an impact she has on me, dare I say she probably doesn’t give me a second thought. My reverse ego wouldn’t even entertain that thought for a nano second.

This is sorta turning into a love letter to her isn’t’ it? Whether she ever reads it of course is something only she can decide.
I love the fact the people like her exist in this world. However, for her I’m sure she finds all of the above is someone completely different to myself.

She embodies the words I have tattooed on my arms – Dream.Desire.

Do I wish there could ever be something between us? Of course, that’s why it’s called Desire. Then again…that’s why it’s called a Dream.

As time passes I’m sure we will go our separate ways, but as that saying goes, sometimes in life you just gotta take a moment to stop and look at the scenery.

That is the saying right?


A History of Girlfriends – Part 2: The High School Years

April 20, 2011

Well, I said I’d return with Part 2: The High School years…and I shall now share that with you.

In 1992, I entered high school with a personal life in tatters and a non existent love life. Little did I realize at that point, that was as good as it was going to get.

During the first few months, everyone was sorta feeling each other out, not literally of course, but there were no real cliques forming yet. Well except for those who had pre-existing friendships from Primary School.

Because I went to an out of town High School, I was one of only three people who came from my Primary school. They were both girls which meant I was fair game. A mysterious stranger who nobody really knew.

This worked in favour for…oh, about 1 month.

You see during my first few weeks I had a girl who liked me. Her name was Dee Dee. During English class she asked one of her friends to find out if I liked her. Which I did. She relayed the message, and we ended up “going out”. Awesome!

Just after English period we had second break, and when I went to go hang out with her, her friend told me she changed her mind. And we “broke up”.

That in a nutshell was my entire High School dating life.

My personal life got worse, and I lost complete confidence in asking anyone else out again.

I got along with all the girls, and was always fun to be around. I never actually had anyone like me back, and sorta just accepted that.

There was a younger girl who seemed interested in me once, I didn’t know her that well, so I convinced her my name was Carlos, and I was half Mexican. I think that went on for an entire term.

There were those I tried to get to know better, but for some reason I always tended to make things way too complicated in my head.

Another infamous moment…my matric Farewell. (or as the yanks call it – Prom)

You see, pretty much everyone had a partner, or willing cousin ready long before hand. But me, much like I am today, couldn’t find a single person to go with me. Everyone I wanted to ask already had a date…true I always set my sights too high, so I would never get Paula, Lana or Valanesse to go with me (three popular girls of our year). So the week before our Farewell, I literally walked up to someone I had never spoken to before and asked if she was free. She was a few years younger than me, but was a complete dear about the whole situation, and said sure why not. Her name was pronounced “shaan”…that’s right Shaun was taking Shaan to the dance. You could NOT make this stuff up.

The awkwardness continued through over the next few days, right up until I fetched her and met her parents. I think they actually felt sorry for me. But hey, I’d take a pity date over no date any day of the week.

The dance was pleasant enough…I have a photo to remember her by, but other than an awkward hello in the corridors, I don’t think we spoke again after that.

You know what I love about them High School girls? I get older, they stay the same age….yes they do…yes they do.

But yeah, that’s High School for you…part three will have some interest stories from my post High School dating life …if of course you want to hear it.

A History Of Girlfriends – Part 1: The Primary School Years

April 19, 2011

My previous blog was what the kids on the street call an epic failure, which is a damn shame because I felt it was good and original. I guess what it comes down to is that its just not something people care to read.

So I’ve decided to go back to basics. People seem to like hearing about something they can relate to. And what’s easier to relate to, than relationships!

I’d like to share with you my complete history of girlfriends…don’t worry, you’ll be done reading in 5 minutes.

I’ve always (and by always, I mean since this blog idea popped into my head earlier today), compared my resume of girlfriends to the Mel Brooks movie History of the World Part 1.

Its awkwardly funny, filled with innuendos, factually incorrect and had about a 90min running time.

I’ve mentioned before that I have a superb memory, but there may be certain inaccuracies here and there, which are simply a result of “the facts as I remember them”.

Now enough waffling, let’s get to the good stuff!

In primary school I was quite the stud, well as much of a stud as a 6-11yr old could be.

I was always getting Valentines cards, being flirted with at Saturday night birthday parties, and basically liked by the opposite sex. Probably for my maturity…and my skills at king stingers.

My first girlfriend came into my life in Grade 1. Her name was Gillian…yes, I’m going to name em and shame em!

I had many crushes during my early years, not unlike today, girls like Paula, Natalie, Claire, Kim…but Gillian was the girl I was brave enough to let know!

She was cute as a button, and we got on amazingly. Our junior love was the stuff of legends. Even both our parents were fond of the kids significant other.

Our first date was around Valentines Day, and we went to the ice rink with her Parental supervision of course. I’ll never forget when they came to pick me up from my house, she gave me a Snoopy mug with the slogan “you’re always on my mind” on it. (I still have that mug…and use it daily).

We were an item for a long time. And I never really had an interest in pursuing any other girls…and believe me we had some hotties!…again, as hot as 6-11yr olds can be.

However… As people get older they are influenced by many other factors when it comes to love. At that age, seeds can be planted from friends, family, status or moments in life.

Come standard 4, my life was a mess. With the loss of my dad, and a year before I lost my older brother, my priorities in life changed, and Gillian and I grew apart.

During that year, we went in a school tour to Cape Town. I grew really keen on a girl named Robyn. She was an athlete, had an older sister who knew my brother, and we had a mutual liking for one another.

During the tour, we snuck off to a friends hotel room…and kissed alone in the dark for 5 minutes! The irony was, a year or 2 before, it was at Robyn”s birthday party a few years before that Gillian and I had our first French kiss behind the wall of her house…although that evening turned bad for me because everyone threw each other in the pool…and when I got home after the party I got a beating for getting my shoes wet, but I try and remember it for the kiss…

Anyways, back to the hotel room.
The next day, as kids do, they can’t keep a secret, and during one of the bus rides, someone told Gillian about the kiss, and she slapped me there on the bus. I deserved it, and always felt bad about doing that to her…I wonder if she even remembers.

That also pretty much ended things between Robyn and I. From hero to zero I guess.

A year after primary school ended, Robyn and I got into contact and we trying going out on a date. My mom took us to see The Mighty Ducks.

We never really saw each other after that…but we did have a telephone conversation a few years later which featured the memorable line of “hey I see there is a sequel to the Mighty Ducks coming out”…I don’t think I got the hint.

I’ll be back with the High School years a lil’ later…

A Burg Never Forgets

April 7, 2011

I’ve always been cursed (blessed) with having a ridiculously good memory.

I retain EVERYTHING…sure its good for trivia and movie facts, but it also means I relive everything as if it was yesterday but simply thinking about it. This is particularly hard when it comes to bad memories.

I’m always so amazed when I talk to friends and say “hey remember that time…” And they often reply with “mmm. No I don’t”. Or worse yet, they think they do and proceed to give completely the wrong account of the incident.

Since I’ve been on a “making lists” train as of late, I thought I’d share with you 50 obscure memories of my childhood.

1) The first word I was able to read was “hi-fi”…it was in a newspaper.
2) The movie on TV the day my brother died was Top Gun. The night before was Moscow On The Hudson.
3) In grade two, we went to the zoo on a field trip. A group of us got hidings from Miss Du Plessis for stretching too far over the crocodile wall.
4) A bunch of friends once rode to my house on their bicycles, one of them called out “shaunie, fatty, come out and play”…my mom raced ahead of me a ripped into the kid and proceeded to tell him how fat his whole family was. I didn’t get to play with them.
5) I won our church fundraiser darts competition when I was just 12. I beat out the adults too.
6) The first book I bought with my own pocket money was the book adaptation of Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome
7) I fell off the goal posts and broke my arm in std 5. I hid it for a few days, but when I had to glue a project together in class, everyone found out.
8 ) The opening line to my headboy speech in Std 5 was “Where we are going, we will no longer be a Big fish in a small pond, we will now be small fishes in big ponds”
9) During our Cape Town tour of 1990, I bought a nudie pen. You know the one you turn upside down the clothes fall off the girl on the pen. I sold it before the tour ended.
10) On the first day of that same tour, some kid through my old buck gin hat into the toilet. It was so embarassing I didn’t wear it for the rest of the tour.
11) My first best friend was named Ryan.
12) In std 1, I took gift bags to school for my birthday. My mom made me give the girls she didn’t like the worst toys. I remember having to give someone a …thimble.
13) During school holidays I would move my mattress to the lounge and watch Ghostbusters at midnight.
14) I once had a Tarzan doll. I rolled over it one night while sleeping and broke it.
15) My late uncle bought me a comic book to cheer me up after my brother’s death – Captain Atom issue #19
16) When I was named headboy in primary school, I got kisses from all the previous year’s female heads and deputy heads. Older women score!
17) In std5 we made perspex knives. Why I have no idea.
18) The first time I had a wet dream was after I saw The Doors…lotsa nekkidness there!
19) The first valentines day card I got in grade 1 was from a girl named Natalie. The last one I got was in std 6 from a girl named Lauren.
20) In Std 1, I earning praise from my teacher Mrs Holgate because I knew that Margaret Thatcher was called The Iron Lady.
21) I had a hampster named Flash. He could read. My mom left him out in the sun and he died. It was the first time my heart broke.
22) In 1990 I begged my brother to let me take his soccer ball to school. My mom made him say yes. That afternoon it was stolen from outside the library. I got a whippin at home.
23) When I got my first A+ in high school (for accounting no less), my mom bought me Terminator 2 on VHS.
24) I bought a scrooge Mcduck stained glass ornament and a dennis the menace puzzle at a school jumble sale in 1988.
25) In Std 6 I did the most awesome project on dracula and horror icons.
26) The guy who first got me interested in my lifelong love for tennis was a guy named Stephen Budge. Possibly related to Don Budge.
27) I bought a toy from the tv show Popples, but kept it hidden because my dad thought it was too girly.
28) Every birthday I would rent either the friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm street movies.
29) One of our end of terms movies during primary school was The Secret of Nimh
30) We once had a fun fair at our primary school. I got sick on the spinning teacups because I had a whole packet of sherbet before I went on.
31) The first song I slow danced to was “sacrifice” by Elton John.
32) The first person I spoke to on the first day of High School was a guy named Ronald. Don’t think we spoke much after that.
33) There was nothing better than spaghetti bolognaise from the tuck shop in primary school.
34) After our school athletics day in 1989, we stopped at the shop and bought six pack of Jumping Jack cooldrink. Tutti Frutti flavour.
35) KTV premiered Dino Riders at 4pm on my 10th birthday.
36) When a girl named louise had her birthday party, we watched Disney’s Alice in Wonderland.
37) During leadership camp in Std 4, the song we all had to rehearse to was “We all stand together” …also known as the frog song.
38) At that same leadership camp, a boy named stephen snuck a drag off a teachers cigarette when he left it balancing on a chair.
39) My first ever “date” was to the ice rink.
40) The first time I went to Sun City was 1991. The movie on the TV was Fletch. It was stuck in a loop and I saw the first 20 minutes six times.
41) I used to have Street Hawk pyjamas, and a Bionic Six bed spread.
42) I cried like a baby when I was announced as head boy. A guy named Allan asked me a few weeks later if I cried because my dad wasn’t there or if I was happy. To this day I still don’t know the answer.
43) At a birthday party I won a dance competition. It was legit judging too, because the host’s older sister and her friends judged. Older women score #2!
44) The last cassette tape I bought was the Jurassic Park soundtrack.
45) I was the tins in the bin champion for 2 years running. Tins in the bin is exactly was it sounds like.
46) With my first ever school holiday job, I used the paycheck to by the Empire Records soundtrack.
47) The first time my name was in the paper was in the Sunday Times magazine for winning a hamper of horror balls.
48) In std 5 we once has to wear togas to a roman theme function. I flashed two girls. I know who they are, but I’m sure they don’t remember. Guess I made zero impression!
49) I got punched in the face by a bully from a visiting school in 1991. I didn’t drop…but I did take a martial arts stance immediately afterwards ….even though I never had a single lesson.
50) The last thing my dad and I ever watched together was the Royal Rumble 1989. He died a few hours after that.

Can you remember obscure things from your childhood? Or have you hidden them away?

My 100th Blog post: XoXoXo – My Feelings on Hugs & Kisses

February 10, 2011

As promised, this is a follow on blog to my recent dating dilemmas.

It was initially going to be posted as an amendment to my 99th blog post, but after writing it, it has all the qualities of a post worthy of being my 100th blog post.

One of the key things, especially in the process of any sort of budding romance is not just the ability to know when to make a move, but also how to read the outcomes of those moves.

It could be a simple hug, holding hands, touching of an arm, or even you are advanced enough a kiss of some sort.

All things I am very unfamiliar to. Let me explain why.

I come across to most people as a not a very physically affectionate kind of guy. Which, to a point is true, the reality however, is that affection is something I crave more than anything in this world.


I’m not really a hugger. Not because it’s invading my space or anything like that, but all my memories of hugs are solely based on being a kid, and having to endure endless embraces at funeral of my dad and brother growing up. From complete strangers, to family member you would rather avoid, for months (and years), I was forced to associated these’s crushing squeezes as a sign of sympathy, with the words of “everything is going to be alright”, which is was clearly NOT going to be. I never really got caring hugs from my mom either, and if I did it was normally after a huge fight which after apologies was a sign that we had move passed that argument (until the next one).

Now as an adult, I find myself mystified by the simple process of a hug. I generally don’t hug and kiss people on their birthdays, or as congratulatory show of affection. It’s very rare that I will huge people in greeting. With the odd exception of a friend I haven’t seen in years. However even then, I’m almost to the point of panic. Some are easy to get away with as there’s never much more behind it than a “hello”, but its pure torture with someone I’m really interested in.

A case in point is a friend I saw a few days ago after a long long time. Our greeting hug was slightly awkward, naturally as we hadn’t really seen each other in person for an age. However, the goodbye hug was so different; it was a strong caring hug that has all the feelings of a friendship renewed. The truth is, I didn’t want to let go, as I never get these sort of hugs. It meant something bigger to me. Yet for her, I’m sure it’s the kind of hug she gives all her friends, but for that brief embrace, it was just the two of us.

Holding Hands

There are few things in this world that make me jealous, however seeing a couple holding hands can at times reduce me to tears. It’s the simplest form of affection between a guy and girl (yes, depending on your sexual preference) and yet something I may never really feel.

A few years ago, I went out with a girl who is was dead keen on, and the evening ended with us walking out the restaurant and she out of her own held my hand. (I think she had some wine, so that clearly worked in my favour). The electricity that flowed through me at that exact moment is something I will always remember. We went out several times after that, and nothing ever progressed further than the holding hands stage before things fell apart. But each and every time we held hands…I felt, for lack of a better word, human.

For me, this is probably the best “sign” that a girl is interested in me, so please, if we ever go out, and you are interested in me…take my hand, I’ll do the rest.


Eeeew kissing spreads cooties.

Just joking…kissing is obviously the most intimate of all things, and even hookers would agree.

When it comes to casual hello kissed, or birthday wishes, I tend to always awkwardly miss the person’s cheek and almost kiss her ear, or mercifully fresh air (that at least makes me feel European). On my own birthday, I am almost always armed with a strategically held cup of hot coffee to avoid anyone coming in for the kiss.

My kiss tally for the last 10 years is probably around the 4 or 5 people mark. One was for a movie role, so that doesn’t count.

I like to consider myself a good kisser, and the world leader in pecks on the cheek. The reason for this is because when I do kiss, its filled with passion and emotion unlike anyone you may ever meet. You WILL go weak at the knees, and that’s a guarantee.

When I see a girl I’m attracted to, I almost never think about what it would be like to “get her in the sack”, or what she looks like nekkid, but I do undoubtedly think what it would be like to kiss her…because THAT’S where the magic is.

Of course, this blog succeeds most in telling the world what a loser I am when it comes to women, and highlights my immaturity when it comes to love and relationships, but hey, I’ve made myself look worse right?

All these small moments in life, are what so many people take for granted in their relationships, and at the risk of sounding preachy, I really don’t think they understand why they are so lucky, and this is why most relationships are over so quickly (of course they just move onto the next person).

What I’m really trying to say with all this is, that all I really want out of love and life is to feel.
To feel loved,
To feel close,
To feel wanted
and maybe… every once in a while to feel some boobies.

“Hey didn’t I see you out with a hot girl last night…?”

February 10, 2011

This is my 99th blog on this site, and while I’ve actually been blogging for over 13 years now, I think it’s a safe bet to say none of my previous diary/blog sites have been anywhere as close to this one in terms of popularity. I thank you the readers for that.

What’s kept my views soaring is my honesty. Or so I like to believe. I’ve revealed so much on these blogs with you all, and for this 99th entry, I will do what I always do. Speak the very uncomfortable truth.

So I went out last night, and unless you’ve been living under a rock, you would have known that I was going out with a girl I liked, to movies.

The big debate was as to if this was it fact a date.

Looking at it now a day later, I guess the honest answer is – no. It was just two friends going to movies….story of my life eh?

I’d like to share the build up to the evening and the problems I have with myself that may forever prevent me from ever being more than a friend to someone.

I had a massively busy day yesterday, which thankfully kept my mind from over thinking that I was going to see said girl later in the evening. Which I tend to do – over thinking is what I’m known for. I get so worked up if I’m going out with a girl that I actually feel sick to my stomach. The tension becomes so great that the noises that come from my stomach could signal an air raid if we were a small town in World War II.

The day progressed fairly quickly, but as the afternoon approached the paranoia set in. Every time a text message came in on my phone, I feared the worst. CANCELLED!…but instead it was just a Facebook notification of one of you lot’s sarcastic comments on my status messages.

Eventually I got a text in the late afternoon from said girl confirming time and place….and unusual event in my life.

I killed time at work as the meeting place was just down the road. Brushed my teeth a few times, chewed about 6 sticks of gum, and tried to wet my hair enough to make it look like it had a “style”.

Eventually the time approached. I arrived at the mall. Parked…got out, realized it was still 15 minutes before our meeting time…then got back in and moved my car closer to the entrance…which helped eat up at least 7 more seconds.

I went up to the cinema, only to realize that the movie we wanted to see wasn’t showing there. The natural reaction of course was “I’m at the wrong shopping centre!”

I quickly texted her and she called me back to say she was there too. So I went down the escalator to meet her just outside the book store (by the way, any girl who can be found in a book store is my kinda girl), as I rode the moving stairs I saw her in the distance. My god she was beautiful.

Of course everything became slow motion at that point and I swear I could hear the song “dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, Mr Sandman…..bring me a dream, make her the cutest I’ve ever seen.”

An awkward hug later and we proceeded to determine what happened to the movie that we could of sworn was showing here. Anyways, long story short, it was showing at the art cinema further down the way in the centre.

We arrived there and I confidently asked for “2 tickets for Black Swan please!”

Unfortunately…there we only 2 tickets left…and they were RIGHT in the front row. She didn’t seem to mind, and I fell into the lame guy joke trap of “at least we’ll see if before everyone else”…which as you know is listed as a reason I hate going to the cinema in a previous blog.

Of course it was awkward visually…and being a vertigo sufferer…it was making me rather ill, especially as I had to try split my view between this giant close up screen and keeping and eye on her for any sort of comforting smile.

While the movie was brilliant and gripping, it had its moments of awkwardness, such as having to watch Mila Kunis go down on Natalie Portman and not being able to react in a manner befitting of such a momentous man law occasion. Instead having the screen basically pressed up against my nose whole trying to act casual with a hot girl next to me.

When the movie ended, there was a stunned silence from the audience and those who spoke spoke only of Natalie’s “ballet feet”.

We left and proceeded to leave the cinema, I threw out a few hints about getting something to eat, which were met with “I so rarely leave a movie feeling like I don’t have an appetite, but this is one such occasion”…ok that was as good a hint as any.

Assumedly we began walking to our cars, where the nail was firmly knocked into the coffin with one of those inappropriate guys who walk around trying to sell flowers to couples. His offer was “20 bucks for the whole lot”, her natural reaction was to say no thanks, before I could even make an attempt to buy her a flower.

We paid our parking fees, and ended of with a hug (not as awkward as the meeting one), and I walked back to my car.

As I sat alone at McDonalds eating a burger, I couldn’t help but think to myself…

“Man..20 bucks for those flowers was a damn good deal.”

So that was my night out, which some of you referred to as a date. I would like to elaborate on a certain topic a bit more that I feel is my major downfall when it comes to the opposite sex…regarding intimacy and affection such has hugging and holding hands, so check back later and I’ll amend this blog.

The Dating Dilemma – An Anatomy of My Love Life

February 8, 2011

I’ve always considered myself a pretty good date.

A charming and witty conversationalist, respectful, flirty at the right moments, very good at avoiding staring at your boobs and seemingly the best good luck charm a gal could ask for.

Remember that movie Good Luck Chuck? Well, it’s quite possible that is based on me.

There are two kinds of girls I date.

The first kind is the girl who has such a good time with me, that a week or two later I find out they are actually back with their ex, or with the new love of their live. This, of course, would explain why they never replied to my text messages or emails the day after we went out. If I had a dime for every time this happened I could quite possibly have enough cash to buy an illegal green card.

I’ve done the dinner and/or movie thing with a fair number of girls over the years, and in fact a lot of you are probably reading this right now (especially if you found your way here via my Facebook profile) and remember that time you and I went out. We had a pretty darn good time, and of course when I tried to request a follow up “meeting” there was always something going on and before long you were in another relationship and didn’t wanna ruin our friendship. This of course made our friendship tense for a while, until you broke up with whoever you with, then we spoke again, until you met the next in a long line of “loves of your life”.

More often than not I’ve been told I’m too intense. Amazing considering I never once made a move, or offered you a ring on our first and only date. Hey, I can take a hint, I’m a pretty smart guy, but I just wish people would stop making lousy excuses like that.

Heck I can’t even bring a girl back to my place for dinner or “dancing” (My mom wouldn’t wanna miss her crime stories.)

The second kind of girl I date is the kind of girl who doesn’t know she’s on a date with me.

These are the weirdest most awkward evenings. To my own downfall, I have always been better friends with girls than guys, and therefore get shoved into the friend’s zone by default and spend the next few months (or years, depending on the size of my obsession).

Whilst I have “hung out” with a lot of the female friends, there is nothing worse than asking a girl out only to find out she thinks its as friends…and you have to play along with the ruse the entire evening. It’s heartbreaking! Let me tell you. The minute she starts asking for advice on the guy she fancies…everything turns to slow motion, and it becomes the longest night of your life.

I haven’t been on anything close to a date for a few years now, and if I have, I’d love for the person to let me know it was an actual date, because I think at this stage of my life I can’t even tell the difference anymore.

Anyways. Let’s fast forward to the here and now.

Yes. I am currently interested in someone (and yes that could mean plural). I’ll talk about one as I know she in all likelihood doesn’t read my blog so I can get away with being completely honest and not making a fool of myself.

I’ve asked her out to movies this week…tomorrow night in fact. She said yes almost instantly, which is a rare enough for me to just die happy now, but of course, she probably sees it as friends.

Is she single? Yes, I as far as I know. Is she interested in someone else? Probably. They always are right? Does she know how I feel about her? I haven’t the foggiest. I like her, I like her a lot actually…she checks all the boxes I am looking for in a girl, and more importantly she fits perfectly into the bigger picture of my life. I’ve known her for years now, and we are only just rediscovering our friendship. I fear that’s all it would be though.
I’ve made the mistake too many times in the past of revealing my feelings to someone, so I won’t be doing that anytime soon…unless she happens across this blog in the next 24 hours, in which case movies tomorrow night is clearly off.

Right now I’d rather risk her never knowing just to spend time with her, than to tell her I’m interested in anything more and scaring her away for a number of years.

So that’s my dilemma. I consider her my date for tomorrow. I consider her my date for a wedding she’s agreed to go to with me, and I consider her my date for New York City.

But I guess to her…I’m just this awesome friend she knows.

Are there any clues so that I know she feels like she’s on a date too? I mean other than if I’m making her breakfast in the morning…and we’re having waffles!

Back then we called it Charming. Today they call it Stalking

February 7, 2011

I’ve always had a…shall we call it, a special talent.

Since I was young I always been very smart.

Ok ok, so it’s not quite the big reveal you were expecting, but nonetheless, I’ve always been able to find out what I wanted to, or simply been smart enough know how to get the answers I needed.

Now way before the days of the internet, this meant a lot more when it came to romance.

If you were interested in a girl, you went to great lengths to try and find out her phone number or where she lived, what her hobbies were, or where you were likely to “bump into her”. It was all in good spirit and showed a genuine interest.

In our younger days, it was all somewhat charming, and I think we lived in a different time where nothing was really considered creepy, or underhanded. I still remember some of the great ways I managed to find out and remember things. (im sure my old friend Russell will smile to himself thinking about “tosso” or 2070)

I miss those days.

Anyways, as the world changed, and we were introduced to things like the internet, google, and catch 22’s such as Facebook, the charming appeal of going to great lengths to show your interest in a girl quickly became easier….far too easy in fact. To the point where everything you needed to know was RIGHT THERE. Where she lived, worked, and hung out.

This has made life a bit harder for people like me, as we’re sorta stuck between two worlds.

I enjoy the old school “chase” when it comes to a girl. Now everything comes too quickly, and it scares people off, creeps then out, and earns you “blocked” status.

Another thing I was always good at (brilliant in fact), was being able to bring people into my life.

Let me explain that a bit more.

If I saw a girl in a crowd, on TV, in a magazine, or even a random picture in someone’s office, and there was an immediate attraction from my end, I was always able to find out who they are, and change my destiny in order to meet up with them or get in contact somehow.

As a result of this, I’ve made a lot of good friends (and scared off some “famous people”). If you’re a hot girl and we’re friends, there’s probably a good chance we met under pretty random circumstances….but believe you me; a lot of effort went into making sure the stars aligned for that random meeting.

Now, if I happen to stumble across someone who catches my eye, it’s a simple “Add as friend”, and within hours, you’re already at risk of being considered a freak. Even more so if you’re honest.

Today’s youth may read this blog and think that this is all “stalker like”, and maybe it is. Maybe I was just ahead of my time when it came to stalking.

I guess the difference to me in the end, was that everything was always so fleeting. There was always a hope there may be something more there, but nothing ever lead to more, so few people are willing to take chances in life, that they want everything done so by the book before they believe it could be something special.

As for me, I was just born in the wrong time…

Dude, babe at 9 o’clock giving you the eye…

August 5, 2009

I’m a born loser when it comes to relationships and love.
As far as it goes with women, I can’t “see the signs”, or read the body language, or even notice someone noticing me.

My general rule of thumb is everyone finds me an awesome guy (sorry Miz, its true), and will never see me as anything more than that.

After a LONG time of being miserable, broody and self loathing about it, I’ve gained a great deal of acceptance with the solitary life I live.

On occasion though, I fall prey to the trappings those who carelessly blurt out crazy things “you should come down and visit”, or “I’d love to see you again, how about tonight”

I accept and set plans in motion to take them up on such offers, only to be made a fool of…each and every time.

Why do girls say these things? Why give hope for no reason? Is it a reflex action so as not to appear as a beeyatch…

(At this point the infamous Friends episode where Chandler goes out with Rachem’s boss and can’t actually tell her he doesn’t want to see her again, so he keeps giving her hope, is playing in my head)

If I don’t want to see someone, or don’t like hanging out with them, I’m honest about it. Sometimes offensively so, but hey, why play games with people? That’s just mean.

If you are someone I know, either in person or online, and a member of the female population, chances are I’ve flirted with you at one point or another, and gotten nowhere.

But have YOU ever given me signs I’ve just been to dumb to see? Seriously, I’d love to know.

Chatting to a friend tonight, I mentioned that I really don’t want to be interested in anyone again (too late she cried)…it’s simply just too draining. You spend all this time and energy trying to see signs that aren’t there, offering everything of yourself. For what? Only to be disappointed and to make a right royal fool of yourself…no thanks, I’m done with that.

Does it work both ways though? Are there those trying this with me and not getting anywhere?

Perhaps it’s all about the right combination of give and take…

Some of my closer friends always grow concerned when I like someone, with good reason, but I think those days are long gone now, and my love live will always remain one of the great unsolved mysteries of our time.

Now if we can just figure out why there are still couples who wear matching tracksuits….

I won’t ever do that again…but I probably will

July 30, 2009

Guys have been known to do pretty stupid things for girls.

In fact, I in particular have done some way out there things for girls, so much so that people just shake there heads whenever I like someone…in the anticipation of “here he goes again”.

It’s not that I do things try and impress someone, far from it. I simply do the things I do because there are just some people I would do anything for without hesitation.

Is that what being whipped means? Surely not… to be whipped I would actually have to be in some sort of relationship that involves seeing someone on a regular basis, handcuffs or at the very least a Facebook relationship status change.

I’ve undoubtedly hardened up in the last few years (2 years), probably to the point of coming across as mean and uncaring. There are those that assume this is a result of a series of (self inflicted?) incidents that happened involving a girl I was madly in love with a few years ago…perhaps they right. Perhaps not.

For the record, nothing ever happened with said girl, and we haven’t spoken in months and months…then the other day I received an accidental email from her…it stung seeing her name show up in my inbox… but instead of me wanting to use it as an excuse to reply back and find out how she was, I wanted to send back a nasty reply…that’s so not me.

In two weeks it’s her birthday…and I’m seriously considering wishing her on the day. There is a bit of history with us and her birthdays, but I’m not the same person I was even a year ago…

If I were to wish her, and she sent something nasty back…would that make me want to retaliate?

If I just ignore it, would I regret it?

I’ve long since given up on love and relationships, and honestly feel there is no need for one in my life anymore…even though I do like certain people, I feel no need to push the matter, or even try and find out if anyone likes me the way I deserve to be liked. (I’m a freakin awesome catch by the way) – even though im lonely as cr@p.

Anyways, the point of this blog is…would you make an effort for someone who has completely abused and rejected anything nice you’ve done for them in the past? And if you would, what kind of person would that make you?

Yours in good faith,
Moral Dilemma in Joburg