Posts Tagged ‘heartbreak’

State of The Burg Nation Address – Permanent Heartbreak & Zombies

October 10, 2012

A year ago I was sitting at home, unemployed, broke and no clue of what the future held for me. I was essentially happy. I knew I had a decent payout coming, a new job would find me, and I had high expectations that “next year would be different”.
So here we are….1 year later. What has changed?
The more I think about it, the more I get overwhelmed with a great sense of depression. It’s probably not the best time to analyse my life either, because I always get hugely depressed this time of year because of my birthday. And in two days time, when the day arrives, I’ll be forced to pretend I’m happy it’s my birthday, instead of having to explain to new friends and co-workers that I don’t celebrate it. So when questions and comments arise such as “what have you got planned” or “I hope you get spoilt” I will try and force a smile and come up with answers that don’t depress me even more.
Know me well enough, and know how I feel about the day.
I’ve been under tremendous stress lately, and really feel like it’s taking its toll. Health wise and mentally, its just overwhelmed me to the point where I feel my legs can’t even hold me up anymore.
The easy solution is I just need to take a holiday or go out with friends…

 

I’ve tried to avoid writing how woe is me, but I just don’t think there is any possible way to avoid it, and believe me, I don’t want to be THAT version of myself again.
A lot has changed over the last year, I know this to be true, and because I can see the difference I’ve made in my life, but the problem is, as I get older, I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the things that simply won’t change.
I gave the whole positive attitude thing a massive try. I made the effort with people, a big effort, but every disappointment I’ve had has resulted in a crushing punch to the ovaries. Which could possibly explain why I’m battling to even stand these days.
A friend and I chatted recently, and I call him a friend because of all the bullshiz we have gone through (and given each other), we still remain close. We spoke about the disappointment in people, and he pointed out that you literally can count the number of friends you really have one hand; the rest will always let you down.
What defines a genuine friendship though? We assign so much to that pedestal of friendship, that it becomes dangerous. Yes. Friendships are dangerous. I think this is why I try and avoid them.
However, over the last few weeks I seem to have fallen off the wagon and tried to believe in the romance of friendships…to my own detriment.
I’ve been accused of taking things too personally…which I do. Because friendship is the most personal thing there is. And if you can’t rely on the very basics of things like effort, commitment and honesty you, such as myself, will be in a permanent state of heartbreak.
And that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. I am in a permanent state of heartbreak. Probably for the last 30 years.
I recently reached out to a bunch of people I considered friends. I wanted to spend time with them, because I like them, and really needed to be around them to feel good about myself.
Scenario A, was friend I had messaged for years saying lets catchup, let’s get together, etc etc.. and she agreed that we absolutely would! She had recently returned from overseas and asked for me number saying we can finally meet up again. I let myself get excited about this prospect, and eagerly sent my details saying she must send me hers. About a month after that she finally did. Then we proceeded to organize a date and time. A Friday, lunch time.
As it got closer, I got more nervous, because people ALWAYS cancel on me…and normally just before the time. So about an hour before she messaged me saying she was running late but would be there about an hour after our original time.
That time arrived and she messaged me again could we do it in the evening rather.
I replied sure.
Then another message saying can we rather do it over the weekend, or the week after.
I replied sure…whenever you can fit me into your schedule.
She replied “Thanks! I’ll message you next week!”
That was three weeks ago. Nothing since.
The second scenario, just days afterwards, was another friend I had managed to track down who I hadn’t seen in over a year. We agreed on a dinner date for Wednesday last week.
On the Tuesday night I messaged her asking if we were all good for dinner the night after, she replied saying she was so sorry, she forgot and said we would have to move it to later in the week, but she would get hold of me to confirm. I still haven’t heard from her.
There are others… new friends, who I’ve tried opening up with, letting them into my life, becoming their confident, showing them that there is a better way of life in terms of happiness and love, only of course till they seem to get bored of me, and my romantic notion of how life should be, then going back to the crud that they think is happiness. I just don’t get it, and then people tell me that I will make someone very happy, or any girl would be lucky to have me…prove it.
These are not random events. This is how it ALWAYS is. Always. It’s impossible not to get heartbroken over these moments. They seem to shrug it off so easily, and to me it feels like I have no right to complain over petty little cancellations.

 

(I know there are those that will immediately say I never take them up on the offers to do something, or never asked them out etc, but lets be honest here, if I enjoyed your company THAT much, we would of already done something, so get over it, and get back to reading.)
I’m a good guy, I’m good company. I surely deserve better? I deserve chances…And screw all that “well if you think it’s going to go bad, it will go bad”…That is such a cop out answer, because what about when you think good? and you still get burned…
Sorry, that was a bit of a vent wasn’t it? Well…I feel better that its out, but my heart doesn’t.
Ah the heart…tell me, why do I even have this useless item in my body? And yes, I know it provides the basic function of living. But then…what if you are not living? I certainly don’t feel alive.
In fact, the only time I felt alive recently was that one week I spent it Cape Town. Because I actually felt like my heart did have a function. It’s possible I left it there though.
You know that girl I fell for? Well. What do I even say about that? I thought at least all the distractions and distance would help me not think about her as much. But the more we don’t chat, the more I fall for her. The more I don’t see her, the clearer I can see her. As I told someone yesterday…there is nobody else for me to push away while I focus on her…there are no dates…there is nothing physical…there is nothing…except what we both know. That there is “something” there and it hurts so much knowing we are not allowed to even try.

So every year, as my birthday approaches, I cannot think of anything other than how I’m getting older, lonelier and despite my best efforts, I may not get that chance at happiness and love. Despite everyone’s cliched pieces of advice, these are the facts. This is the reality.

I sit here in life’s limbo. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Functioning purely on some sort of Zombie instinct. The punches keep on coming, and the Universe is constantly beating the cr@p out of me, but I’m not staying down…and we all know, there is only one true way to kill zombie.

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Dear Hawk Girl…

August 29, 2009

hawkgirl-justice-league-cast-movie1
Wow…so this week has been weird huh?
It’s been killing me that things have changed suddenly here at the Watchtower… there’s nothing worse than have an awkward work environment.

We both know why, maybe it’s an embarrassment thing, or an ego thing, but I guess we just been trying to ignore the obvious.
Truth be told, I miss you. A lot! I miss my friend first and foremost.

Even Super Girl and Black Canary have been asking me what’s happened. So it’s become something that people have noticed – which I know you hate, because you just want to go about your daily tasks of helping the humans on earth, and not draw dagger stares from those in the league who like to toot my horn.

I blame myself for this situation.

Gotta be honest here Hawks, I really think I messed things up for myself, and I’m worried it’s beyond repair.

I have issues around women…especially those who…ok well; let me rather start at the beginning.
justice_league
I’ll never forget that day some 2 and half years ago…we were both fairly new to the Justice League, and you were sent down from your planet for one of Batman’s dreaded debriefings (sometimes they come across as damn sales meetings). I was asked to sit in to see how it all works…and there I noticed you sitting next to Power Girl… you were wearing an animal print outfit and a yellow utility belt, that’s when everything became slow motion and I just melted.

Then you went back to Thanagar. And I was left to go on with my life…I didn’t think we’d ever work an assignment together.

The boys here at the Watchtower mocked me about my crush on you…but it was never an issue really…how could it be right? Id only seen you once.

Over the years we became interplanetary email buddies, you on Thanagar and me here on Earth.

Then I overheard Batman and the Man of Steel talking about how your powers would be a great asset here on Earth.

You and I both bonded over this news. I felt an excitement in me, (which can be embarrassing considering my limbs can stretch at will!)

The thought of seeing you every day and getting to know you on another level, man alive…the Gods were on my side for a change.

I remember the “seek and observe” assignment we were both given back in April, you remember when we thought Animal Man had switched sides and was working for the Injustice League??
Animal+Man+colored
Man the guy may have issues, but he’s on our side. And I know you had a thing with him back in the day…so I ended up being jealous, and couldn’t wait to expose him as a traitor. ( but deep down it was about making you happy that weekend)

When you finally got reassigned to Earth a few months ago, I was like a schoolboy again (see I previously had a thing for Catwoman, and while nothing happened, it was so draining, that I had become a bit cold to the *ahem* opposite sex).

We got along so well you and I.
Our private jokes about the other superheroes who thought their powers were better than ours…good times!

I knew something was changing however.
I tried to avoid it, nay stop it… I really did.
There was no denying it, and despite warnings (some out of concern, others out of jealousy), I began to fall for you.

I didn’t want that to happen, because hey, lets be honest here, Guys like me…they don’t get girls like you.

Last week of course we had our Super Villain seminar that The Flash put together in an attempt to get us all on the same page – Lord knows crime fighting has changed.

We spent so much time together, there was a definite awkwardness I could feel coming from you… I knew something was up. But then on Day 2 of the Super Villain seminar, all my fears were realized. When you were so close to me, and I looked into your eyes, I knew that was it for me.

That was the exact moment I fell in love with you.

When I watched the surveillance video of the seminar, I realized how absolutely perfect you were….and how flawed I was. Confidence plummeted. (yes despite you saying you can’t fit into your cape and tights some days, to me, I had never seen someone so beautiful).

Then earlier this week I heard you were going to see Animal Man again at the annual Superhero Convention…I panicked, what if he was setting you up…No…this couldn’t happen. You deserved better!

I tried to warn you against him and ended up coming across as a jealous A-hole. Then in a passing comment you said something which shattered me completely – you were seeing Aquaman.
Aquaman
The world stopped…I didn’t even notice the attack by Starro on the Australian Reef…I was numb.

Being the guy who is always funny and keeping others entertained comes with a price behind the scenes. There is no place for personal hurt.

Plus as you know Wonder Women was leaving the Justice League this week, and she’s one of my dearest friends. I felt like I was about to lose everything in the space of a few days. I began to swing emotionally.

I closed up….and I’m hurting so badly because of my own silly heart and I know it’s not because of you’re actiona, you’re just living your life , and I don’t begrudge you at all…Aquaman is an awesome guy, and if he makes you happy… I really am happy for you. I did have a feeling your mates Red Tornado & Red Tornado II were trying to set you up with someone…but I didn’t think it would be Aquaman!

Deep down I know all the nice moments we shared, the little things like the ice coffee while we checked out super villains personal files, the stealing of Martian Manhunter’s candy coated sweets when we had a craving, and the gifts we gave each other, they were all just done because you are a genuinely nice person.

I’d never had that sorta attention before… I mistook it as the “signs” Green Arrow always talks about which women supposedly give us guys.

Hawkgirl – these last few days we have hardly said a word to each other and it’s killed me. You don’t visit, you don’t look me in the eye, and you don’t email me random things like we ALWAYS do…

So I’m writing you this letter…I don’t even know if you will read it…

What I do know is you don’t know how to react to me, and I don’t know what else to do.

All I can say is that I will lock away my feelings for you, I just want to be your friend again, your happiness is so important to me, and I don’t want to be the cause of any sorta tension here at the Watchtower, Bats would have my ass if I missed another invasion.

If you read this…and you want to talk. Please message me. You know where to find me. If you don’t…I guess I’ll just go on hiding in the men’s locker room every time you come past.

I joke, I joke.
The fate of the known world depends on us.

Yours always
Plastic Man
20080716_plasticman

sometimes its easier to just…(GLMDGGLH)

August 26, 2009