Posts Tagged ‘honesty’

33 Things I Regret…

January 9, 2012

There’s a saying that goes something along the lines of “Don’t regret the things you have done, but rather the things you haven’t done”…which while stupid, is somewhat meant to say that one has the chance to do something they haven’t done if they have the courage…but as for the things you have done…well, I guess they will stick with you the rest of your life.

I often say that if I had the chance to live my life again I wouldn’t do anything different…that’s true to a point, because it has in truth made me who I am today…plus given me a boat load of content for these blogs.

However, there are many moments I would choose to relive. Certain decisions I’d make differently. Perhaps even people I would chose not to let into my life…

So with that, I’d like to present to you 33 such moments in my life…and of course, these are as brutally honest as you’d expect.

They are in no particular order, but rather presented as they come to mind.

1. I should never have cancelled my trip to NYC in 2010 for the reasons I did.

2. I should never have left my job at Heat/FHM magazine.

3. I should never have sold my World Cup final tickets.

4. I would never have convinced my Grade 12 science teacher that she lost my project when in fact I never handed it in.

5. I should of tried harder to keep my friend Ray’s friendship even though she chose to stop being friends. I miss her tremendously.

6. I would of spoken to my friend Paula the day I saw her in the post office many many years ago, instead of thinking she probably didn’t wanna speak to me.

7. I would never bought an expensive birthday gift for a girl named Vicki.

8. I should never have believed people when they said they had big plans for me, and followed my own instinct instead.

9. I would never have made that 8k bet on Leeds United because I had nothing else to do with that money.

10. I would never have sold my Evil Dead 1&2 replica Book of the Dead dvd box sets.

11. I should of made it to Rory & Rox’s wedding despite my own family drama.

12. I should of gotten my health sorted out before my Medical Aid was cancelled.

13. I should of fought back against those two guys who hijacked me.

14. I should never have wished my brother lost a race…I never had to chance to say sorry.

15. I would have kissed Katherine that day behind the school building.

16. I would never have pursued a girl named Lori.

17. I would never have gone to THAT Christmas party.

18. I should have stuck it out and done that school play with Damien. I had zero self confidence and felt I let him down.

19. I should not have let that damn tattoo artist tattoo the Roman numeral “V” on my leg while he was sorting out his divorce over the phone.

20. I would have apologized to my friend Charis when I accidentally hit her in the face with my school bag instead of acting like “it wasn’t that bad, get over it”.

21. I wish I didn’t cry like a baby the night I was announce as Head Boy.

22. I would of never organized World Cup final tickets for the girl who used my trust as a stepping stone.

23. I should not have used my data bundle in December to download “albino porn”.

24. I should of made the effort to go to one of Simone’s reviews.

25. I should of asked Jamie Lee Curtis for a photo that day in New York.

26. I should never have shop lifted that marble from Clicks in 1989.

27. I should never have left my friend Len stranded while I sorted out my own drama.

28. I would have admitted I broke the bathroom tap at a family member’s house.

29. I should of joined a tennis club when I was younger.

30. I would never have let former colleagues get away with the way they spoke and/or treated me.

31. I should never have cut up my old wrestling magazine to get pictures for my scrapbook

32. I would never have ignored my cousin Michael while I tried to sort out my own problems, my word to him should of come first.

33. I should never have had that ham & jalapeno sandwich before I wrote this blog.

Well, that’s it, a regret for every year I’ve been alive…that’s some heavy baggage right there!

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The Truth Shall Set You Free

July 26, 2011

A few weeks ago I posted a picture of myself with my idol, Bret The Hitman Hart -one of the happiest moments of my life. However one person commented saying “you could’ve looked slightly more excited.” I was actually offended by the comment. I don’t really smile anymore, and I by no means have a big toothy Cheshire cat smile, however this was the happiest I’ve been in years. I don’t smile anymore. You won’t really find pictures of smiling.

I’ve mulled over that comment since it was said, and with the events of the last few weeks, the one question that I keep asking myself is, what makes me happy?

I’m not happy, I haven’t been for the longest time. I have fleeting moments where thing are tolerable. But nothing more than that.

My life has been a constant struggle and the truth of the matter is the sadness has engulfed me.

It’s very difficult to explain, and when I do try, I get copious amounts of advice about how things can’t be that bad, or how things will turn around, or that there’s something out there waiting for me. All words which people feel they should say to help “keep my chin up”.

Honesty has always been a very important part of my blog (and my life), and right now I’d life to address three aspects of my life namely Life, Love & Career.

Life

I’m tired…Of everything. I can’t do it anymore. Not the way I’m living it anyway. I get so many people making suggestions as to what to change in my life, but they don’t know the truth, and they don’t know the pressure I deal with while constantly having to keep my depression in check.

I can’t deal with the repetition. From coming home and having to hear the same stories about how the dog pee’d on the potplants or what the neighbours did, to hearing the same jokes from the same people.

I can’t deal with this country, the government, the strikes, the shortages, the service, the delivery, the lack of educated people.

I can’t travel on the roads anymore. I can’t deal with the complete arrogance and apathy towards the rules of the road. It’s bad. Real bad. It’s the wild wild west out there.

There are so many people that tell me that I must be thankful for what I’ve got, but the truth of the matter is I’m not. Their idea of happiness is a 9-5 job with an income, a house with 4 walls and a family. That’s not my idea of happiness. I believe there is more out there for me. Please don’t get me wrong, if this is what makes you happy, then good for you, you’ve found your element of happiness, but please don’t try and convince me your way is my way.

I can’t fake a smile, and laugh anymore. People have started to notice too. I fear I’m becoming bitter towards the world.

Love

I am so lonely. Unbelievably so. Being a 33yr old guy without a partner, lover, girlfriend is hard. (That’s what she said.). I’m so tired of people saying that “when the time is right”, “she’s out there”, “it’s better to be single” you know, all the clichéd comments. Most times they come from people who are trying to tell you they’re not interested in you so don’t even try, or they are somebody who is constantly moving from “The one” to “the next one”.

The truth is, there’s a very good chance I will be alone forever. It happens to people. You’re only trying to convince yourself when you keep telling me I’ll find someone. Stop.

There are people I’m interested in. They know it (some are probably trying their best to avoid it too). But I come with so much baggage that it’s over before it can go anywhere.

I’m not saying I’m looking for my soul mate, not by a long shot. I just wish I had someone to share my dreams and desires with. Someone I can spend time with, someone who makes me feel like a human being physically. Yes, I said it, I would like to knock boots with someone. I need to feel something in my life. And feeling wanted and desired is a massive hole (that’s what she said) in my life.

I’m so tired of serving my time in this world alone. There are so few people who truly understand how lonely and alone I am. I wish someone would show interest in me, realistically. I can’t be anything other than what I am.

It’s just that i think fighting this battle and chasing the dream would be that much easier and more believable with someone by my side.

Career

I’ve been working non stop since the month left High School in 1996. My movement from one vocation to the next has been well documented. I’d never spent more than a year and a half at a particular job, and constantly found myself wanting to move on to the next challenge. It’s those facts that make my 5 year term at my current job such an anomaly. I love what I do, always have, but the time has come to move on. I won’t go into detail for obvious reasons.

I’ve been dealt a hand that has forced me to play the role of husband, home owner, and provider. This saddens me every day that my life is slipping away without ever having the opportunity to make selfish decisions.

Being the sole bread winner taking care of a parent, a house, replace things that break, need to be fixed and debts that aren’t mine is a task I’ve been doing for the longest time. I just can’t do it anymore. When I tell people how much I earn, their first words are “how do you survive??”

Surviving is easy. I’ve done it my whole life. But I need to live.

I always felt my job would be my key to getting out. Out of this life, this country, this personal hell that saddens me a little more every day. I’ve given everything I have to it. The truth is, its not going to give back.

I get it. I’m just a spoke in the wheel. I will never be the wheel itself.

Sometimes I feel live I’ve given up on what make’s me ME. I’m a creative soul who needs to be inspired, and for a while now I feel like I’ve locked that part of me away.

These are the realities of my life. I know a lot of what I said above will anger people. There will be those who once again dispense advice and attempt to get me to stop feeling sorry for myself. They will say they understand. They will mean it.

All I know is I’m the loneliest and saddest I’ve ever been in my life. I’m making hard decisions every day of my life.

We all know what my dream is, but I fear I won’t survive long enough. So until then…the idea of finding a cabin in the woods to be alone in, you know to grow my beard and write my books, is a pretty decent second choice.

“Thank You For Being A Friend…a pal and a confidant”

August 28, 2009

Over the last couple of months I’ve had to say goodbye to two very important people in my life. One was my absolute hero, who still holds the title of the funniest man on the planet, and today was someone I consider one of my best friends.

Now my belief in the word friend and my philosophy behind friendship has been discussed at length with some of you readers out there. Therefore the magnitude of which I use the words “best friends” should not be lost on you. Especially those who didn’t know how close this friend and I really are.

I may not have the 10-15 year history with her, or the having kids and getting married stories other may have to share with you… but I do have this –

When I starting writing this, I thought: Gee, this could be awkward, must hold back some things or can’t reveal too much. Then thankfully, my twisted common sense said “just say what you mean Burg” (yes, my twisted common sense and I are on a first name basis).

I started work at Sony Music 3 years ago, and when you start at a new company the question you get most asked by your outside crew (read: guys) is “Are their any babes there?”

Never being one to shy away from brutally offensive honesty, my answer this time round was “Naa, not really, but there is this one exotic looking chick who’s quite hot”.

Her name was Ilona.

And thus began my (first) work crush at Sony Music.

Over the year that followed I went on a proverbial rollercoaster of trials and tribulations in my personal life, then, a random discussion about a girl I had fallen for sparked a friendship with the exotic beauty I had previously only really said ‘good morning’ to, or had the odd conversation with when she was around my office talking to another friend.

As my personal/love life went down in a ball of flames, my friendship with Ilona became more and more genuine – blossoming into one of trust, honesty and respect.

I became an emotional wreck (far worse than I am now), and confided in her about pain and anguish I was going through, whilst battling the worst depression of my life.

While everyone went on their self righteous “chin up”, “It’s not that bad”, “she doesn’t deserve you” crusades, Ilona was the one who always supported MY decisions, and encouraged me to never give up on what I wanted. Even at my worst, she always allowed me the space to follow what I believed was right, yet still offering words of advice that never once came across as condescending.

In October 2007, at my lowest point, I set out on my birthday for my epic 11 day Into the Wild style road trip.

Alone and broke I drove around the country.

The entire time I was gone, there was one person who constantly checked up on me, with the caring and understanding that nobody else could offer. Always letting me know that there would be one true friend for me to come back to.

I came back a changed man.

With the promise to myself I would never get that point again I began a new journey to love myself.

Once I returned, our friendship was at a new level, and along with our third musketeer we began setting time aside to actually talk with each other.

We became the Coffee Club.

Twice a day, near every day for the last 2 years, we have set time aside for each other. A friendship like I’ve never had before.

Ilona knew the worst about me; she knew the best about me.
She was the one person I trusted above all others.
For pete’s sake…she was the first person I told when I lost virginity! (To all you people who didn’t believe I was a virgin for so long…Ilona knows the details 😉 !).

Fast forward till today.

Our final cup of coffee.
No….let me correct that.

Our final cup of coffee as colleagues, but never in a million years, the last cup as…friends.

I may have held back the tears today (only just), but if I had said the words I’m about to say now….there would have been a flood!

I love you, I thank you, and I am going to miss you more than I could possibly begin to explain.

“All the best in your future endeavors” 😛