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Posts Tagged ‘humor’
Well, I said I’d return with Part 2: The High School years…and I shall now share that with you.
In 1992, I entered high school with a personal life in tatters and a non existent love life. Little did I realize at that point, that was as good as it was going to get.
During the first few months, everyone was sorta feeling each other out, not literally of course, but there were no real cliques forming yet. Well except for those who had pre-existing friendships from Primary School.
Because I went to an out of town High School, I was one of only three people who came from my Primary school. They were both girls which meant I was fair game. A mysterious stranger who nobody really knew.
This worked in favour for…oh, about 1 month.
You see during my first few weeks I had a girl who liked me. Her name was Dee Dee. During English class she asked one of her friends to find out if I liked her. Which I did. She relayed the message, and we ended up “going out”. Awesome!
Just after English period we had second break, and when I went to go hang out with her, her friend told me she changed her mind. And we “broke up”.
That in a nutshell was my entire High School dating life.
My personal life got worse, and I lost complete confidence in asking anyone else out again.
I got along with all the girls, and was always fun to be around. I never actually had anyone like me back, and sorta just accepted that.
There was a younger girl who seemed interested in me once, I didn’t know her that well, so I convinced her my name was Carlos, and I was half Mexican. I think that went on for an entire term.
There were those I tried to get to know better, but for some reason I always tended to make things way too complicated in my head.
Another infamous moment…my matric Farewell. (or as the yanks call it – Prom)
You see, pretty much everyone had a partner, or willing cousin ready long before hand. But me, much like I am today, couldn’t find a single person to go with me. Everyone I wanted to ask already had a date…true I always set my sights too high, so I would never get Paula, Lana or Valanesse to go with me (three popular girls of our year). So the week before our Farewell, I literally walked up to someone I had never spoken to before and asked if she was free. She was a few years younger than me, but was a complete dear about the whole situation, and said sure why not. Her name was pronounced “shaan”…that’s right Shaun was taking Shaan to the dance. You could NOT make this stuff up.
The awkwardness continued through over the next few days, right up until I fetched her and met her parents. I think they actually felt sorry for me. But hey, I’d take a pity date over no date any day of the week.
The dance was pleasant enough…I have a photo to remember her by, but other than an awkward hello in the corridors, I don’t think we spoke again after that.
You know what I love about them High School girls? I get older, they stay the same age….yes they do…yes they do.
But yeah, that’s High School for you…part three will have some interest stories from my post High School dating life …if of course you want to hear it.
My previous blog was what the kids on the street call an epic failure, which is a damn shame because I felt it was good and original. I guess what it comes down to is that its just not something people care to read.
So I’ve decided to go back to basics. People seem to like hearing about something they can relate to. And what’s easier to relate to, than relationships!
I’d like to share with you my complete history of girlfriends…don’t worry, you’ll be done reading in 5 minutes.
I’ve always (and by always, I mean since this blog idea popped into my head earlier today), compared my resume of girlfriends to the Mel Brooks movie History of the World Part 1.
Its awkwardly funny, filled with innuendos, factually incorrect and had about a 90min running time.
I’ve mentioned before that I have a superb memory, but there may be certain inaccuracies here and there, which are simply a result of “the facts as I remember them”.
Now enough waffling, let’s get to the good stuff!
In primary school I was quite the stud, well as much of a stud as a 6-11yr old could be.
I was always getting Valentines cards, being flirted with at Saturday night birthday parties, and basically liked by the opposite sex. Probably for my maturity…and my skills at king stingers.
My first girlfriend came into my life in Grade 1. Her name was Gillian…yes, I’m going to name em and shame em!
I had many crushes during my early years, not unlike today, girls like Paula, Natalie, Claire, Kim…but Gillian was the girl I was brave enough to let know!
She was cute as a button, and we got on amazingly. Our junior love was the stuff of legends. Even both our parents were fond of the kids significant other.
Our first date was around Valentines Day, and we went to the ice rink with her Parental supervision of course. I’ll never forget when they came to pick me up from my house, she gave me a Snoopy mug with the slogan “you’re always on my mind” on it. (I still have that mug…and use it daily).
We were an item for a long time. And I never really had an interest in pursuing any other girls…and believe me we had some hotties!…again, as hot as 6-11yr olds can be.
However… As people get older they are influenced by many other factors when it comes to love. At that age, seeds can be planted from friends, family, status or moments in life.
Come standard 4, my life was a mess. With the loss of my dad, and a year before I lost my older brother, my priorities in life changed, and Gillian and I grew apart.
During that year, we went in a school tour to Cape Town. I grew really keen on a girl named Robyn. She was an athlete, had an older sister who knew my brother, and we had a mutual liking for one another.
During the tour, we snuck off to a friends hotel room…and kissed alone in the dark for 5 minutes! The irony was, a year or 2 before, it was at Robyn”s birthday party a few years before that Gillian and I had our first French kiss behind the wall of her house…although that evening turned bad for me because everyone threw each other in the pool…and when I got home after the party I got a beating for getting my shoes wet, but I try and remember it for the kiss…
Anyways, back to the hotel room.
The next day, as kids do, they can’t keep a secret, and during one of the bus rides, someone told Gillian about the kiss, and she slapped me there on the bus. I deserved it, and always felt bad about doing that to her…I wonder if she even remembers.
That also pretty much ended things between Robyn and I. From hero to zero I guess.
A year after primary school ended, Robyn and I got into contact and we trying going out on a date. My mom took us to see The Mighty Ducks.
We never really saw each other after that…but we did have a telephone conversation a few years later which featured the memorable line of “hey I see there is a sequel to the Mighty Ducks coming out”…I don’t think I got the hint.
I’ll be back with the High School years a lil’ later…
There once was this girl I liked. I knew nothing about her really…except that she worked in an arms and ammo shop in the shopping center I first saw her. My attempts at flirting with her were initially sweet and charming, but I think the minute she realized I was serious, quickly changed her mind and said she knew nothing about me, and then suddenly she had a boyfriend.
Neither of which deterred me, and my solution to problem “A” was to write down a list of 100 facts about myself and then present it to her…Seeing as though I’m still single, it obviously didn’t make much of an impact.
I’d actually like to revisit that list now. A lot has changed. Some not so much. But maybe this will become a Dummy’s Guide To Burg.
1) I still live with my mom as I take care of her. People never understand why.
2) My dad died when I was 11.
3) My older brother killed himself a year after that.
4) I never had a childhood and missed out on so much socializing. I feel bitter about that sometimes.
5) I have a very very very high IQ…but for years have had to show patience when dealing with others.
6) I have the patience of a saint.
7) I sometimes pretend like I don’t know something in order for someone else to answer a question.
8 ) I hate warm/hot weather and prefer cold and rain.
9) I still eat with my baby fork.
10) I can’t sleep/nap unless my feet are covered.
11) I am straight edged. Don’t drink, smoke or swear…and never have once in my life.
12) I don’t believe in religion, but don’t believe anyone has the right to say their beliefs are the only correct beliefs. Wish more people would think that way.
13) I am an insomniac.
14) I worked in call centers doing technical support for 8yrs.
15) I am diabetic
16) I have been in 5 movies as an actor. 2 of them feature films. 1 has had a cinematic release.
17) I hosted a tv show once a week for 2yrs.
18) My favourite sport is tennis. I have a good knowledge of records and history.
19) Lord of the Rings is my favourite movies of all time.
20) I have a massive Johnny Cash music collection.
21) I have never been in a real relationship. Except for that one English period in high school.
22) I lost my virginity when I was 29.
23) That was my only time.
24) I am attracted to exotic woman. Namely indian and asian.
25) I don’t believe in marriage, but would reconsider it for the right person.
26) I hate the phone.
27) Even though I don’t drink, I collect shot glasses. I always ask someone to bring me back one if they traveling overseas.
28) I am a die hard WWE fan, and am undoubtedly the most knowledgeable person in South Africa on it.
29) I collect trading cards. And sometimes trade with colleague’s sons.
30) I love reading, and buy books to store in my library till I feel like reading them one day.
31) I almost never return calls.
32) I am a ridiculously good poker player, but I only learned how to play a few years ago.
33) I am a Liverpool supporter.
34) I love musicals, as long as they are movies and tv shows.
35) I’ve never been to the theatre.
36) I have unbelievably quick reflexes.
37) I see “things”…some may call them spirits.
38) I am a trekkie.
39) I am a brilliant ten pin bowler, and could have taken it more seriously.
40) I have 7 tattoos. Each has a very personal meaning.
41) I have a dog. He does not have a name.
42) I collect movie merchandise and action figures (which I never open)
43) My all time favourite band is Aerosmith.
44) I love Bollywood movies.
45) I know I am a phenomenal writer, but lose faith in myself quickly.
46) I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But 3 strikes and you’re out.
47) My favourite actor is Johnny Depp.
48) I’m very athletic, and despite my size and weight surprise people.
49) I used to write my own comic books as a kid.
50) I have a cat. His name is Rang’a because he is a ginger cat.
51) I strangely still trust my primary school friends, even though I haven’t seen some of them in almost 20yrs
52) I’m the best person to have in a crisis situation.
53) I had a cancer scare last year.
54) I don’t have a best friend.
55) I have a hatred for the country I live in. This upsets a lot of people who don’t understand why. They also don’t get it if I explain.
56) I enjoy reading autobiographies.
57) I am on twitter @theburg
58) I’m the guy everyone opens up to about their problems. I take this as a compliment, but at times its too heavy a burden.
59) I don’t own my own car.
60) I am a coffee connoisseur.
61) I’ve developed a fear of crowds.
62) My favourite food is seafood. Throw it into a pasta, and I’m yours.
63) I broken my arm and ankle in my life.
64) I have a passion for old TV shows, especially old cop shows from the 70s and 80s.
65) I loathe practical jokes and prank phone calls.
66) I collect PEZ dispensers.
67) The last time I had any sort of physical “contact” with a girl was almost 4 years ago.
68) I have a weird need to buy plush toys if they ask me to.
69) When I like a girl I don’t see her in terms of her age, race, or religion, this almost always works against me.
70) I like old skool Disney movies.
71) Pam Grier was my first “african crush”.
72) I listen to most all music…yet cannot tolerate dance music.
73) I wish I had someone to talk to about my “day”.
74) I’m not afraid of anything in life anymore….well except for heights.
75) My radio station of choice is Lotus FM.
76) I have a dvd collection of over 3000.
77) The crime I hate the most is theft.
78) I have vertigo.
79) I do my best thinking when I drive.
80) I enjoy having milkshakes with people, but that hardly ever happens.
81) I am fascinated by Egyptology. I’m not sure if that’s an actual term though.
82) My top 5 wrestlers of all time are: Kurt Angle, Bret Hart, Mr Perfect Curt Hennig, Randy “Macho Man” Savage and Hulk Hogan.
83) When I was a kid, I had an alter ego of “Pencil Man”, I made my own costume and had an entire backstory.
84) If I go to the cinema, I always go to the late show so that I’m alone.
85) My all time favourite comedy is the British “The Office”.
86) Big bugs or masses of insects freak me out.
87) I secretly love cooking shows
88) I’m a VERY good dancer, but hardly ever dance.
89) I am observant to the world.
90) I have had a work crush at all my jobs.
91) I am unbelievably lucky in competitions.
92) I am equally unlucky in life.
93) I find something attractive in most all women. With a few exceptions.
94) Wes Anderson is my favourite film maker.
95) Gays guys are often attracted to me. I take it as a compliment.
96) I believe if you like someone, you should tell them.
97) I hate people who comment in the forums of online stories/columns. They are for the most part mean idiots without a backbone.
98) I don’t think ill ever be a parent, but I’m open to the possibility.
99) I am a romantic, and believe in the “epic gesture”…just like hollywood showed me.
100) I will live in New York one day. In fact, I started growing my beard on the day I got hijacked (july 15th 2010) and won’t shave it off till the day I arrive in NYC. Its now 16cm long.
So that’s its…feel like you know me better? Or did you just suffer a case of TMI.
What I’m about to reveal may result in getting me banned from any “guy meetings” that may take place in the world for the rest of my existence.
However, it is something that women have always suspected existed, and now like a magician who has been kicked out of the alliance…I shall reveal all.
The other night I went out. A rare occurrence for me these days, however it was to something I was looking forward to, so there was no chance I was going to cancel, or come up with some lame excuse like I usually do.
Instead, I said yes, I’d be there, with bells on, or in this case…with a plus one.
The idea of a plus one, is an age old tradition that brings a man like me to his knees. Whether it be concerts, movies, weddings, work functions or simply a friend’s dinner, a plus one is the ultimate firestarter for an overthinker.
Anyways, back to Friday’s outing. It was to a movie preview. Simple in concept, and easily where I’m at my most charming and impressive. The evening called for a partner who would a) appreciate the movie b) appreciate that we are there to see a movie and c) be able to have an opinion afterwards that I’d actually want to hear.
Let’s fast forward to my plus one for the night. It ended up being an old military buddy (not really, but work was hell back in those days), he’s a good friend who has similar interests as me, so we enjoyed ourselves and constructively discussed the movie afterwards. Perfect.
Now comes the big reveal. He was not my first choice. (and he knows this because he knows the rules and plays by them too.)
You see, in order for him to have come to movie with me, I first had to make my way through the list, and IF nobody on that list was able to make it, by default, he was in.
The list is one which guys don’t want you to know exists.
For the safety of any guys out there, I will from hereon out refer to “we” as “I”.
I have a list. And every time I go out, or have a function coming up that gives me the chance to ask someone out, I consult this list.
The list is normally, but not limited to, comprised of five women I am very interested in.
There is always a definite #1 on the list, the hottest, and most appealing of all the women, who I will ALWAYS ask first. In the slim hope that she is free that night. 90% of the time she isn’t, because come on…she’s WAY outta my league, but there’s always that 10% chance she says yes, and boy, when she does, it doesn’t matter if we’re going to a wedding or a funeral, the fact that she is with me makes everything else seem inconsequential.
#2 on the list is general a woman that I really like, and at times thought she might even like me too, but since she always has a new boyfriend of the month, you never quite know if there will every be anything…but there’s no way you’re taking her off the list.
#3 is often the newest person on your list. She is someone you may have been out with once or twice. There is however, a distinct possibility that you may have in fact never even met her in person! I have two of those at the moment. One is in Cape Town, and the other one here in Johannesburg. I will always be waiting for just the right thing to ask them too.
#4 is normally the person I’ve known the longest. She tends to have already put you in the friends zone. You refuse to believe that the door is totally closed on a relationship, and live in the hope that she will one day decide to say what the hell and give it chance. Every now and again I make this friendship awkward by flirting a little too much.
# 5 is the most reliable of the lot, she is normally “ok” looking, and you get along great, and for so many reasons you could easily be with her on a more …full time basis…but, truth of the matter is, she’s not numbers 1-4.
The hard and fast rule of asking someone on the list out is that you NEVER extend the invite to more than one person at a time.
You always ask #1 first, and you don’t, under any circumstances ask another person until she has absolutely said no. Sometimes however, this may result in her only finally saying no about an hour before the event starts, which normally results in you going straight to #5 on the list and missing out on the other girls.
If #5 is not suddenly willing to drop what she’s doing and get ready…well, then you’ve always got your guy friends to fall back on.
So when I post a message on my facebook status, about how I have a ticket to this or that, yes, I am often directing it to those five in the hope that one of them makes my job easier, because I’m actually too scared of getting rejected by EVERYONE on the list.
The actual girls on the list can change, but the reasons they are on the list often don’t.
Mmm…I wonder if I should name and shame the 5 on my list …I’ll tell you this much…there are ALL Burgie award winners and nominees…
For the record, if I don’t post a blog again, its because there has been a bounty put on my head by the male species…
One of the easiest ways to turn a conversation tense, is when I start discussing how lonely it is being alone, especially with a member of the female race.
Her definition of being alone is always girl-power centric. Perhaps a reflex defense mechanism to prevent me from asking her out, she is quick to state that she is so much happier being alone than having to explain her ways to some overprotective jealous boyfriend. Of course, within a couple of weeks she has found herself a new overprotective jealous boyfriend.
I’ve been alone most all of my life. I don’t say that as a sort of “woe is me” statement, but rather as a life fact. We’ve delved into my personal history enough of the last few months to prove this, and won’t go down that road today.
Having grown used to being alone, one adapts. Through the years, I’ve had to make do with being the only child (through circumstance), the one guy who doesn’t fit into a clique, and of course being a likeable guy with an amazing personality (read: too nice a guy to get into a relationship with).
What follows now, is my definitions of being alone vs being lonely.
Of course the internet, and now subsequently Social Networks have been a double edged sword when it comes to being alone and lonely, but hey, at least they’ve ironically brought you to this blog.
Being alone has its perks. For instance, it’s easy to go grocery shopping. You don’t need to squabble over different name brands when it comes to toothpaste, air freshener or butter vs margarine.
Being lonely however, results in a much higher monthly expense bill. Over the years, I’ve found myself buying things like dart boards, a pool table and board games, in the hope that just in case I do in fact have someone over who happens to know how to play any of these games.
Being alone is a great way to avoid smoky clubs, loud music and arguments over whether to rent Bridget Jones Diary, or buy the latest Steven Seagal movie on Bluray. Dinner is also a pleasure, because in being alone, a packet of Big Korn Bites does truly qualify as a meal.
Being lonely however results in way too many hands of Solitaire – with real cards. You tend to miss almost all of your shows on TV because of constant channel surfing. Friday night porn just becomes another show with way too many ads.
Being alone is a blessing when going to the cinema ie. Viewers choice! Going out for a meal, whilst somewhat sad, means that there is nobody to pick on your plate instead of eating what they ordered for themselves.
Being lonely makes going to the drive in somewhat pathetic. Going to a concert highlights the fact that you’re the only person out of 10,000 people who is not there with someone.
Being alone is productive. You get more work done that most of the other staff combined.
Being lonely is noticeable when you’re the only one who attended work Xmas parties alone, year after years, after year, after year. People tend to notice you are the only person who never gets private calls, not even on your mobile phone.
Being alone is great, as you don’t have to quickly close your laptop to prevent anyone from seeing what you’re watching online. You have full permission to instant message anyone of the opposite sex and you can shop alone till you’re credit card is finally rejected.
Being lonely online makes you come across as need, attention hungry and somewhat creepy. Fueling you with the desire to explain yourself in a blog of some sorts…
So…which one are you? Alone or Lonely?
I definitely started my life off as alone…but I’ve undoubtedly succumbed to being lonely.
And we’re back for the final part of this year’s 1st annual Burg’s World Awards where the most prestigious awards of the year continue to shock and surprise us.
However, due to time constraints, last night we handed out several award for technical achievements, please join us in congratulation the following award winners –
I Don’t Have The Guts To Ask You Out On A DATE Date Award – Kayan Amira Leung
If I Was Just A Little Bit Younger Award – Farah Barry
I’d Do Pretty Much Anything For You, Even Though You Don’t Know I Exist Award – Kriya Gangiah
You Might Actually Know More Than Me Award – Brennan Babb
Why’d You Have to Go And Get Married Award – Paula Fehrsen
The Impact Award For Outstanding Contributions – Susanne Weber
Best International Friend Award – Gordon Brown
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our next presenter – Angelina Jolie.
Angelina Jolie – “Hello. There are millions of starving children all around the world, and we are spending time handing out these awards? For every winner tonight, I will adopt and African child…Ok, let’s get this over with. The nominees for the I’m Not So Secretly Attracted To You, And This Freaks You Out Award are”
Ika van der Vyver – There are few people I admire as much as this lady. A true icon in Burg’s World, she continues to set the trend for self empowerment as well as self improvement. How can that not be attractive to a guy? She is pure class.
Loshanee Moodaley – Beauty, ambition, wit and legs that kills. Yup, those boxes are all ticked. Which ironically are the same four boxes that put her WAY outta my league. But a man can dream…and most every night its of her.
Paula Fehrsen – multiple nominee already tonight, I keep thinking to myself….time machine…
Thamashni Naidoo – Gorgeous, pop culture savvy and sexy as hell. Her milkshake truly brings all the boys to the yard…and those boys would all beat the cr@p outta me before they let me close enough to every stand a chance.
Special write in entry Lori Jones – despite history, I will always think she was THE one. End of story.
And, the winner is…Loshanee Moodaley!!!
Please welcome your next presenter…Mel Gibson
Mel Gibson – “This is perhaps the creepiest category known to man….and if anyone knows anything about creepy…it’s me. Hey sugar tits, slow the prompter down so I can keep up. Here are the nominees for the I Know We’ve Never Met, But I Really Like You…A Lot Award
Farah Barry – she is so innocent it blows my mind. In a world where there is so much wrong, she brings a smile to my fave with the way she enjoys the simple things in life. I hope her view on life doesn’t change as she gets older, because she is a breath of fresh air in life.
Romi Moondi – In my dream world…she fits perfectly as the missing piece of my puzzle of perfection. Realistically she is the one person I will never meet in life, which I suppose is for the best as if we did…the world might explode.
Shaheema Barodien – People have told me that the only person I would ever be happy with, is a female version of myself. And hopefully she doesn’t read this and go jump in front of a buss, but she is the closest thing to the female version of myself. I have the utmost respect for her work, and like to poke and prod to test her tolerance, which I think annoys her immensely…but its like when someone pulls your pigtails in nursery school…
Aletia Naidoo – a mystery unto herself. This is what perhaps makes her to so attractive to me. There is so much I will never be able to understand about her, but so much I want to know. I hope I will get the time in this life or the next. Her beauty on the outside is matched only by the beauty of her soul.
Sheetal Magan – I watch her from a distance. Not literally of course…(that’s a different award), but her passion is a flame which will never be extinguished. The relationship she has with the people in her life is pure and honest, as she seems to be.
And the winner is…Shaheema Barodien!!!
Ok folks, here to present the final award of the evening is the man himself…The Burg!
Wow…what an evening it’s been. Thank you to everyone who has endulged me this evening. I love and appreciate having you all in my life no matter how close we are. There are those that don’t even know the impact they have had on me. We may not talk, or hang out, or even see eye to eye. But I am who I am because you are who you are.
Now I’d like to present the final award of the evening. …
The Burg Lifetime Achievement Award
Paul & Angelique Elliott – this two people have seen me at my worst, at my best and at my burgest. They have never judged, always offered a hand and a heart when I never knew how to ask. I am so happy that they seem to be happy in life, and the only reason I don’t know this for sure is because of my own laziness. I will make the effort to be a better friend to both of you.
Simone Ka-Ling Ho – Wow, so much has been said already. I mean every word of it, and now double so. I have turned down many an invite, and you still continue to be such a good friend to me. A lesser person would of walked away a long time ago. Of all the clouds up there in the sky, you are my favourite one.
Natasha & Stephen Prior – From boss, to tennis opponent, to friend. Two of my favourite people in the world. Supportive even at the darkest of times, they always seemed to have faith in me. Through my craziest comments, to my brutal honesty, they never once saw me as anything other than a friend. I cannot wait for you to come home. I need that energy.
And, the winner of the first ever Lifetime Achievement award is….Natasha & Stephen Prior!!!
That’s a wrap folks, congrats to all the winners, and thanks to my celeb friends for helping make this ceremony a success….see you again next year! Or whenever it seems appropriate to do this again.
See you at the Afterparty!
Welcome back to the 1st Annual Burg’s World Awards, it’s been a ceremony filled with celebrities and emotions. But we’re not done yet folks…so please welcome your next guest presenter…Jack Black!
Jack Black – “Alriiiight. So…the Burgies huh…its like being at the Rock n Roll hall of fame…you know…without the Rock…and there’s no actuall hall…and nobody here is really famous…I don’t really know any of these people here tonight…but Hey We Could Actually Be Good Friends If We Hung Out More… Not That We Will Award”
Ashley Kleyhans – A man who like me, speaks his mind and expresses his opinion. We didn’t really know each other THAT well during our working together days, and truth be told I was probably a little intimidated by you. We have grown to become good friends who have a lot of mutual interests, and I thank you for taking the time and effort to engage in conversation and debate with me so often.
Warren Harding – Forget Tiger bloog…we have Puma blood. Someone I always got along with and enjoying spending time with. I’m glad we chat as much as we do now, and I hope we get to catch up when I’m next down in CT. A true gentleman.
Thamashni Naidoo – We only just scraped the surface of our friendship, but it felt like it was over before it began. Which is such a pity because I will always have that “What If…” feeling when thinking about you.
Jay Cee – Perhaps its your love of classic TV like me that earns you a nomination, but I think we have deeper understanding of each other as you know part of my live a lot of people never got to see. The tragedy that bonds us is something that bonds us.
Talita Mostert – If it wasn’t for that silly time difference…and the fact that you live on a different continent, I have no doubt we would be better friends. I hope that one day we get too see each other again, because you truly are one of the sweetest people I know.
And…the winner is …Warren Harding!!!
Please welcome to the stage your next host…Woody Allen.
Woody Allen – “Good evening everyone *adjusts glasses*…all these nominees are truly *adjusts glasses* capable of being world glass talents. Which is rare in Hollywood *adjusts glasses* as none of them are Jewish*. This is the Let’s Make a Movie Together Award”
Jordan Shade – We had such great chemistry during our time together, and my greatest regret is that we only made a short film together…we need to expand to full feature sir. An accomplished actor who deserves more attention.
Roland Gaspar – Firstly, a hearty congrats on your wedding this weekend. Secondly…We need just one more film to complete our trilogy. Let’s make it happen. Slam Bang thank you mam.
Dan Ger Mac – This guy is so talented it’s scary. We need to work together soon. We have been promising it for years now, but our common love for Wes Anderson must stand for something in this crazy world…
Morne Du Toit – Whatever happened to this guy…I joke I joke…he’s doing more work than I could ever hope for. Another man I need to complete a trilogy with. Co-star and director…we need our third.
Sheetal Magan – Another true talent who needs a chance to shine. I wholeheartedly believe she will do something life changing in this world…I can only hope I will be part of it in some way.
And, the winner is…Dan Ger Mac!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome…Miley Cryus!
Miley Cyrus – “Hi ya’ll. I’m sure you’d all agree that tonight’s awards have been pretty cool. Wouldn’tcha? I’m here to present the In A Different Time, A Different Place, A Different World Award, and just a note to the winner…trust me…ya’ll really can have the best of both worlds!”
Romi Moondi – My muse. Pure and simple. This northern light is the only person on this planet who can pull me out a writer’s block with a simple word. For me, she is perfection. Beautiful and talented.
Paula Fehrsen – As I mentioned, a primary school friend. My greatest regret was in 1992, not being brave enough to come up and speak to you at the post office the year after we parted ways. I was at a low self confidence point. Two decades later I see you happily married with a beautiful child. I sometimes feel selfishly sad that its not me, but for the most part I’m happy that YOU’RE happy.
Leigh Lobotomy – If only I was a little cooler. That’s the truth. I get intimidated by the life you lead because I fear I would get eaten alive. I like to watch from a far I guess. I wish you nothing but happiness because you deserve the life that you want.
Kimberly Lloyd – An award winner already tonight, Ms Lloyd is my one and only Colt. I wish I was there, and more of a bad boy 😉 We have miles to go before we sleep though, I can promise you that!
Simon Williamson – If I swung that way, dude you would be my perfect choice. Sports mad, an amazing writer who is sharp as a tack and not afraid of controversies. Sign me up sailor!
And, the winner is…wow… we have a tie! Romi Moondi and Leigh Lobotomy!!!
Please welcome the one, the only….The cast of Friends!
Jennifer Anniston – “you know guys..i’m glad we were all able to have career after friends ended…I mean I had a number 1 movie”
Matt LeBlanc – “I’ve got a critically acclaimed new show called Episodes”
David Schwimmer – “…um..i got married”
Courtney Cox – “And I got separated”
Lisa Kudrow – “uh…you guys are all so successful, now I’m jealous!”
Matthew Perry – “Hey come now guys…Didn’t We Used to Be better friends than This?”
Brett Schewitz – I hope the fact that I told you I stopped following you on twitter hasn’t ruined our friendship. We are better than that. I know you’re a busy guy now, but time difference aside, I hope we chat again soon…
Claire Ullyett – An old school friend, and old colleague…we’ve seen a lot in our time, and truth me told, I don’t know nearly enough about your life and what you’re up to these days. I should have been a better friend.
Benita Enoch – And up and down friendship that has finally reached some sort of calm and understanding, our heated chats became more loving as time went by. I miss sharing things with you and hearing how your life and love is progressing.
Paul & Angelique Elliott – Two of my closest friends. I always feel somewhat guilty that I let you guys down during my downward spiral. There were times I felt ashamed of myself and couldn’t hang out with you because of that. I’m angry that I haven’t even seen your bouncing boy yet…I do hope I get enough energy back in my life to make a better effort to be your friend again.
Nabila Esat – I feel like we only friends when both of us are single. Am I wrong? I hope that it’s just me being paranoid, but I’m normally right about this things. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You have grown from a girl into a beautiful woman.
And, the winner is…Paul & Angelique Elliott!!!
Please welcome back… Charlie Sheen!
Charlie Sheen – “That’s right trolls I’m back! Every Warlock needs a good assistant who does everything for him…just like i did for that troll John Cryer on the set of Two and a Half Men, and what he didn’t appreciate was that Effort Goes A Long Way In My Book Award”
Kayan Amira Leung – That smile could melt even the coldest of hearts, and at times mine is the coldest of the cold. While most people take my moods and just being moods, this lady is an absolute sweetheart, who has done what few people have ever done. Found my address and come to visit me with a box of muffins! (the doorway too my heart as we know)
Simone Ka-Ling Ho – A Burgies award winner already tonight. From the days of The Burgs Eye View Website and ICQ, this classy lady has stuck with me for longer than most people can tolerate. And now when I think books…I think you.
Susanne Weber – If im interested in something…she’s makes the effort to learn about it, do the research and be able to relate. She never pretends, she never makes excuses. She’s became such a regular in my life that I actually feel a bit empty when she’s not commenting or discussing something I’ve posted online!
Warren Harding – Showing a genuine interest in my life and the things I do. This is the guy who kept my farewell email sent out almost 6 years ago! I appreciate each and every minute you talk just to say “dude ‘sup”.
Russel Pieters – A Burgie award winner tonight already. I’m not really one to go out anymore, that’s just part of the hermit I’ve become, but I just wanted you to know that I’ve appreciated each and every invite you have extended my way. I’ve slowly allowed myself back into the world and your friendship has helped with that.
And, the winner is…Kayan Amira Leung!!!
Coming up next, who will take home the final 3 awards of the evening? Stay tuned for more surprises!
Hello and welcome to the first annual Burg’s World Awards, affectionately known as The Burgies.
It’s been an exciting few days for the nominees who have been on the edge of their seats awaiting the results of this highly anticipated Awards Show.
*three hours later….
Well everyone, this is the moment you have been waiting for…Please welcome your first presenter…Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen – “ I’m here to present the I Envy Your Life, Even Though I Know Nothing About it except From What I See On Facebook Award. In my opinion all of these nominees are already Duh…winning.
Andrew Murray – based in New York is enough of a reason to earn this former colleague a nomination. His constant advice is welcome as I try and join him in the City that never sleeps.
Corinne Lalouette – Ah to be young again…This lady has not been afraid to live her dreams, and is not afraid to try something new. A globe trotter of the highest order.
Mohammed Seedat – Another former colleague and Liverpool, Mo’s collection of travel photo’s and sporting event photos is enough to make anyone Red with envy.
Kriya Gangiah – a star on the rise. I have been watching this lady since last year’s World Cup match between USA and Algeria when in a capacity crowd of 35,000 people she was the only one I noticed walking around the touchline. A presented, actress and mode. The world is her oyster.
Kayan Amira Leung – A long time friend who has been on the other side of the world for the longest time, but her Facebook photos and emails have made me feel like I’ve been with her every step of the way.
And the winner is….Corinne Lalouette!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your next presenter…Gerrard Butler
Gerrard Butler – “Helloooo Ladies aaand Gentle men…this next catagoooorie is filled with peeeple hooo haaave at times seeeeemingly dropped off the plaaaanet, but hooo’s conversaaation is definitely missssed. This is the “I Miss Talking To yoooo Award””
Veronique Lalouette – we used to chat so often about our lives and views on the world…then you carried on with you life while I retreated into my world. I miss not being about to talk about all the big things that are happening with you, and wish you all the best for the upcoming nuptials.
Roxanne Lauren Konkol – those late night chats and vents were something I always felt honoured to be around for, as you grew up though, you experience the real world and all it had to offer…I felt left behind because of my own self confidence issues. Your honesty was only matched by mine.
Simon Williamson – a friend made during the toughest period of my life, our Boj jokes and award winning screenplays were the stuff of legends. Then we drifted apart and realized most of our friendship was based on our proximity together. I’m so happy for your recent engagement and wish you the best. But I’m sorry I havent been around to know more about your fascinating life.
Thamashni Naidoo – a random friendship that was formed. Perhaps it moved to fast or I expected too much, but chatting to you was always a highlight of my day or night. Some bad decisions soured the friendship, its not about blame, or accountability anymore. People are people and I miss talking to you…even if it is about hot football players. *awkward silence*
Kimberly Lloyd – BBM ruined our friendship lol…the time difference of course has a hand in keeping us from being better friends. We were on a roll for a few weeks/months and it was by far the most enjoyeable time of my life in recent years. The silly things like real life got in the way.
And the winner is…..Kimberly Lloyd!!!
Please welcome…our next host…Kim Kardashian….
Kim Kardashian…”Heeeeey Guys, I’m super proud to be here tonight, because I’ve realized that family comes first, and sometimes you need to be super proud of what you can achieve when you communicate with others. My new perfume taught me all about being a businesswoman and I’m super proud of that. I guys you might say, You’re My Biggest Fan…and that’s what this award is for.”
Michelle Daniels – a Myspace friendship that had its initial ups and down and arguments, we eventually both matured in our lives and found our true roads of destiny, always supportive of my and willing to forgive my moods to show that our friendship was something more than just a “new friend request”.
Simone Ka-Ling Ho – One of my longest running supporters. Always there with a word of advice, a mention of encouragement and a sympathetic ear. Our conversations go back a long long time.
Susanne Weber – An old school friend who always made time for a good conversation back then already. Her willingness to ask questions about something obscure I talk about was always genuine and heartfelt.
Darren Symington – an unexpected friend who understood my dark twisted view on life, and has always been able to related to something I put out there, no matter how controversial or smug. Supportive of letting me be ME.
Andre Ulrich George – The first of two newer followers who has been supportive and encouraging of my more emotional work. Not sure how he found out about my existence, but I’ve learned not to ask these question…
Annie Naidoo – If ever there was an accidental friendship, this was it. A true groupie (in the best possible way) of my work, and a constant reinforcement of this being what I am supposed to be doing with my life. She’s good people…even if she’s a Man U supporter!
And The winner is…Simone Ka-Ling Ho!!!
Please welcome back… Charlie Sheen
Charlie Sheen – “You’re all on a drug right now…and it’s called Charlie Sheen…forget about the Friendship Comeback Award, this should be the Tiger Blood Award, because all these guys need Adonis DNA if they’ve managed to stay friends with The Burg through the rollercoaster”
Russel Pieters – My best friend in High school, or at least I always liked to believe so. I’ve always had a confidence issue that made me believe I’ve never been anyone’s best friend. We lost so many years being out of touch, and when we chat it feels like no time at all has passed. Life has changed, but you haven’t sir.
Justin Paulsen – and up and down friendship for many years now. I think it took us a long time to figure out what kind of friends we were, and we seem to be at a comfort level now. I thank you for your help during the bad stage of life, it show that you are a much better person than i.
Leonardo Borella – A true friend no matter what. My greatest regret is that I wasn’t there for so many big moments in your life. You’re a hard working, honest friend who’s heart is bigger than most people’s combined. This calls for a victory roll Len.
Natasha & Stephen Prior – Last year’s catchup in London was just the shot in the arm our friendship needed. I got lazy, you got a family. But the time I spent with your family is one of the true honours in my life. I love you all dearly, and can’t wait to get your butt back on the tennis courts. Tash – you may want to film it to show the kids.
Paula Fehrsen – An old primary school friend. Our recent conversations have been so heartfelt and fun. I spent many years looking for you, and am so glad that we chat, even if it is on such an infrequent basis.
And The Winner Is….Russel Pieters!!!
Please welcome your next host….Sean Connery.
Sean Connery – “Hello. I’m Shhhhhean Connery.”
“Thish ish…the Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero Award”
Jessica & Leon Byker – Oh Canada! The Doc and Jessica Rabbit have always been two of my favourite people. They are so genuine in their friendship to others that they are the kind of people you wish for nothing but happiness. Their hard work has paid off and they are now one of the lucky ones (twos?) who have ventured into a brave new world. Something I talk about, but they actually did.
Jean Barker – A witty lady who has given up everything here to be a screenwriter in LA? Yes, I know what you’re think…my perfect woman. She is undoubtedly an inspiring person, even if that make her uncomfortable. I am living vicariously through her. For Now at least…
Leigh Lobotomy – a true wild child. So honest in who she is, she is the genuine article. Accepting of her mistakes, and brave in her desires….Authentic and original. There are few people like you left in this world dear.
Brett Schewitz – A passionate person who ventured out into a brave new world. A true South African at heart, he’s following he dream of a bigger career and a better life. Nobody deserves it more than him.
Michelle Daniels – What can I say that I haven’t already? A lucky lady who turned her dream into a reality.
And the winner is…Jean Barker!!!
Please welcome the next presenter – the 1980’s version of Eddie Murphy
Eddie Murphy – “A-he-he-he…Howdy folks. You know, you don’t often hear a black man saying howdy. In fact the only time you hear a brother saying Howdy, is in the sentence “How’d he know we was jacking that car?” A-he-he-he. You white folks all gotta light up, because this next category is for you only – this is the You’re Almost As Big A Geek As Me Award”
Till Tillman – If Germany had it’s own Burg…it would be The Till. Action Showdown Friday is the highlight of my week.
Robin Pierce – If I turn into sir Pierce when I’m a (slightly) older man. Life would of turned out pretty damn good. Sir Pierce is proof that it is possible to be a loving family man and still keep your geek credentials in tact. A legend.
Gordon Brown – a long time friend, fellow pop culture fan and wrestling booker. We have been through the ups and downs of loss and changes in our love for Wrestling. We have discussed awesome movies and shared thoughts on books. Up the Morton!
Travis Marc – One heck of a talent, a nice guy and sort of a nerd. I’m discovering more and more that we have in common as the years go by.
Justin Paulsen – Me? Him? Me? Him? Only he would load Windows 98 just to play classic games. Legend.
And The Winner is…Robin Pierce!!!
Ladies and Gentleman, we will take a short break and return later with the rest of your winners….
It’s safe to say I’m getting progressively crankier in my old age…I don’t deny this. There are a lot of day to day things that irritate me…some more than others, but there is one thing that never fails to get me seething just at the mere sight of it.
My name is Shaun Myburg. (Burg to my friends.)
I’ve always had a big problem with my name being spelt wrong. The most common mistake is Shaun being spelt wrong…or an extra “h” being thrown onto the end of my surname…when people assume I’m Afrikaans.
Sure it happens. It’s no big deal right?
Well, when your entire career (and future career) depends on the cachet of you name…it’s darn important.
Ever since I was a kid, I was lucky enough win competitions on a regular basis, which by proxy, meant my name appeared in magazines or newspapers for the whole country to see. I loved that feeling of seeing my name “in lights”…it always just felt right.
It was a naturally stepping stone for my name being on a byline or in film and TV credits. I was a star in the making…ok…ego aside, who doesn’t get a rush from seeing their name in print? After all, that’s why we all Google ourselves these days.
That being said…every time there was a misprint of my name in the paper, it was equally there for the world to see…
A double edged sword if any.
All through school, when certificates were handed out I loved seeing my name spelt in that almost-old-English-font for achievement in this or that. I cleaned house in primary school with certificates, but as High School came around and my personal life took a tumble, the certificates stopped coming.
In fact, through my 5 years of High School, there was only one certificate I ever got…however it was a big one.
You see, I had the pretty remarkable record of never missing a single day of school. EVER. Despite everything I went through, I always went to school.
So come the end on my 12 year schooling career, I was to be acknowledged for a PERFECT attendance record. Some may be impressed, and others may think it’s the nerdiest thing ever…well newsflash, there were only two of us who got that certificate, and neither of us were anywhere close to nerds.
At the awards evening, when my name was called, it was all slow motion as I walked up on stage to receive this mark of achievement. In my head there was a standing ovation, there were people chanting my name and there was a beautiful girl awaiting to hand me my award. Of course, none of those existed in reality, but there was that piece of paper that made it all worth it.
I collected it, flashed my million dollar smile to the paparazzi and made my way back to my seat.
Then it all came crashing down as I noticed not just my first name, but also my last name were spelt wrong on the certificate.
So my 12 years of schooling is perfectly captured in that incorrectly spelt certificate.
The years that followed had their moments of frustration.
Like this one time when I was working at a computer expo for my late cousin, and the name tag they had printed out for me read
Every person who came to my stand asked my about my strange surname (especially for a white guy living in South Africa…). Of course I spend the whole time explaining it was a major typo instead of actually getting any business for our company.
As I entered the corporate world, things became even more tense.
From computer login names to my email address, EVERY first day was met with an incorrect spelling of something or the other.
On the first day I starting working at one call centre, they had a digital display board that not just had the stats of how many calls were answered, holding and dropped, but also a welcome message for the new staff…which would have been cool if it didn’t read: “Welcome to new staff members Sahun Myburg”….I was called Sahun for the rest of that day.
When my film, TV and print career eventually took flight, I became even more pedantic about having my name spelt right. This was easier to manage as it’s an expected concern within these fields. And thank you lordy lord, my name is correctly spelt on IMDB!
In my current job, I’ve been here for 5 years, so there’s really no excuse for spelling my name wrong in emails.
It still happens though.
I hate it, and speak up about it, which probably makes people think “geez, relax guy its just a typo”…but after working with someone with 5 years, there’s really no excuse to spelling their name wrong in an email or document…right?
I’m very protective over my name…because one day I do believe it will be a brand. It may just be a pipe dream…but it’s really my most valued asset.