Posts Tagged ‘lists’

“Every Office Has One” – 14 Clichéd Colleagues

May 10, 2012

If you’ve ever worked in an office, you’ve probably used a variation of the line, “It would be so perfect if it weren’t for just one person there…”

I’ve worked in at least 10 different office environments, in different industries, in my time and each and every place has had at least that one person who ruins your entire working experiences at that job because of their annoying habits.

I’d like to now pay tribute to those clichéd colleagues who we affectionately think back on as and say “Every office at least one…”

Of course, those of us who just have plain ol’bad luck can sometimes be subjected to individuals who have a rare combination of the below traits, but I guarantee you will come across someone you recognize here, no matter where you work.

With that, I’d like to present to you my Top 14 Countdown of clichéd colleagues.

14. The Name Dropper

I’m not even talking about a celebrity name dropper here…that would still be understandable to a point in an office environment. This type of name dropper is a far deadlier species…they are the kinds of person you will tell you all about Roger’s argument he had with the checkout employee at the local supermarket this weekend. Or about Betty’s decision to put her mom in a home during the Easter holidays. Who are Roger and Betty you may ask? Exactly. Name Droppers are presumptuous enough to tell us stories involving their friends who you don’t know from a bar of soap as if they were the cast of a well known tv sitcom, who we all should know.

13. The “Grey’s Anatomy” Chick

“OMG! Did you catch Grey’s last night! McDreamy was such a b@stard!”… A variation of this evening salvo is becoming a common problem in the work place these days. Before Peg from accounting has even put her handbag down in the morning, she is still fuming from last night’s drama, which no real drama can ever compare to. The Grey’s Anatomy Chick, may also be known as The Survivor Chick, and now also as The MasterChef Chick.

12. The Not As Funny As He Thinks He Is Guy

For every likeable prankster in the office, there is always his evil office twin, the douche bag comedian. His jokes are normally predetermined well in advance in case the moment ever arrives where he can use his “witty one liner” or bad pun. However, there is NEVER a right moment. In desperation, this comedian can often resort to a funny voices, and fart jokes to get a laugh out of people. His bag of material is paper thin, so expect him to recycle many of his jokes. WARNING: DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM with sympathy laughter.

11. The Pervert

There is sexual innuendo in everything for this guy. You could be making copies of the monthly financial report, and The Pervert would be like “So…you like …multiplying…don’t you?” The Pervert is also unable to stay focused on work for long periods of time, so if you need something done, get it done quick, before you suddenly have to “check the ass out on that one…If I just had 5 minutes alone with her!” And yes, The Pervert is often immune to any sort of office discipline (you like to be disciplined…don’t you), however, this should not stop you from lodging a complaint…the only draw back is that he will think you are playing hard to get. The Female version does exist, however they are rare, and often disguised as plus sized women.

10. The Mail Forwarder

Motivationals, K-Mart shoppers, Daily Horoscopes and the old favourite – “send this back to me…and 5 friends, and see your luck change” forwards are a clear indication you are on a mailing list you will never get off for the rest of your time at that particular job. The Mail Forwarder is smart, and strikes early, normally within you first week in your job. It will be too awkward to ask them not to include you and 2 years later, you will have no hope left. A typical South African forwarded will also include secret crime syndicate warnings that the police aren’t even aware of, Road Block warnings, and potential mass strike emails that are “inside information”.

9. Miss TMI

“You know, since I had my hysterectomy, my bladder seems to get infected at the drop of a hat.”. That’s right, Miss TMI (Too Much Information) has no boundaries. Her medical conditions are everyone’s business, and her desk drawers normally contain more prescription drugs than your local pharmacy. Her sex life will also be open for discussion whether you like it or not. As it will be discussed in great detail, never, ever, under any circumstances ask Miss TMI how she is doing…because she will tell you.

8. The Car Guy

Yes, The Fast & The Furious was an pretty awesome movie, but The Car Guy will also try and convince you that 2 Fast 2 Furious was just as epic. He spends his life upgrading and modifying his car, and never actually finishes it, but thankfully he keeps you updated throughout the entire process. The Car Guy, often has a flawless knowledge of sound systems, and knows a guy who knows a guy who can get you a good deal. The CG can often be found at illegal races, but would never actually compete in them, despite what he may tell you about blowing a gasket during his practice run the weekend before. The Car Guy, is also fond of using the F-Bomb in every sentence, especially when talking about police and authority figures.

7. The Story Repeater (also known as The Joke Stealer)

Ever had a colleague tell you an interesting story? And then a few days later tell you a story that sounds familiar? And then 2 weeks later tell you the same effing story for the 8th time! These people are sick and need our help. If they begin to tell you a repeat story, stop them immediately, you sanity may depend on it! These are the same people that repeat a joke or wise crack seconds after you say it as if it were their own!!

6. The Religious Nut

Jesus saves!…but Messi scores on the rebound. Seemingly, those darn Christians never find that funny. Every work place has at least one openly religious person you tells you that everything is the Lord’s will. If there is a tragedy, it’s God’s Will. If you are going through troubles, they will pray for you. If the vending machine takes your money…someone needed it more that you did. It is of course naturally assumed that you too are religious and believe in the same thing they do, so expect daily prayers and blessings, straight to you inbox.

5. The Know It All

The colleague who always feels the need to be involved in all conversations no matter the topic, and don’t let the fact that they know nothing about said topic stop them. They will give you incorrect movie titles, unfounded opinions on sports teams and their performances, or they will simply steal an opinion from someone they heard on the radio, or read on the internet, if it happens to be a topical issue that everyone is talking about, in an attempt to be relevant. The Know-It-All will also blatantly argue with incorrect facts even if you are an expert in a certain field.

4. The Personal Caller

There are two kinds of Personal Callers. The loud and proud version who openly spends her days on personal calls, letting the entire office know about her breakup, faulty purchases and doctors appointments. This kind of PC is not self aware and maybe need to be bought into the loop that she spends 4 hours a day on the phone. The second kind of PC is, the whisperer. They will only ever be seen listening to phone calls, with the receiver affixed to their ear. These are hard to report unless you are monitoring them with advanced military equipment…or have access to their phone bills. In rare cases you can come across a hybrid of these two types…a Super Caller if you will.

3. The “Have You Seen” Picture Lady

Not to be confused with The Name Dropper, this is the lady in the office that will show you every baby picture, wedding album and “wahoo”party picture relating to her, her family, her friends and anyone else who might of captured her awesomeness in a photo. She often doesn’t care about your opinion , just as long as you agree with her that it’s the most beautiful wedding ever, the cutest baby ever and the most awesome part ever….till the next one at least.

2. The “How Did They Get That Job?” Colleague

Their only job skill is endurance. How else would you explain how that moron got the position of Team Leader, Supervisor or Manager? They have zero problem solving skills, no backbone, and speak only in clichés. However, these are the same people that often own the nicest cars, and scarily, often have wives and kids.

1. The Cat Lady

Oh you know the type! Cat lady is the most famous of all the stereotypes, and she deserves no mercy. She can sometimes be a combination of the mail forwarder, sending you daily pics of cats in HIGHlarious scenarious….such as falling asleep on the keyboard kitty, surprised face kitty, and grumpy “this explains how I feel about work” kitty. If you happen to miss these emails, don’t worry, Cat Lady has all of them printed out and stuck around her cubicle for quick reference. She often also has a kitty as her Facebook profile pic.

So that’s my list…recognize yourself? If so, then take the shame!
I know for a fact there are tons of other clichés out there, so feel free to comment below and add your choices…

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The Zen of Burg – 10 Steps To A Happier Me (Part 2)

April 19, 2012

Right, so if you’ve read part 1, you will know what this part 2 is about 🙂

6. The New Me, Same as the Old Me

Over the years the most noticeable things to disappear from my life were my smile, my laugh and my self-confidence. Finding a picture of me smiling from the last 7 years is about as likely as finding gold in a hobo’s dentures. Over the last few months, all of those missing elements have begun to return. A lot of it can be credited to my new work colleagues who have a very similar sense of humour to me, and they truly bring out the old me that I know so many of my friends once knew. I laugh more, smile more, and have the confidence to be the person I really am again.

The me at home is VERY different to the me out in the real world, and for the longest time, the real me stayed at home permanently. I wasn’t fun to be around, I could barely hold conversation with people without getting annoyed to the point of wanting to drown them in a small shallow bucket. I’m at my best when I am funny and witty. I love to make people laugh and lighten the mood. That’s my gift. I make people feel good. When I couldn’t do that, I felt incomplete, and quite honestly worthless. Now I feel I can walk into a room and light it up again if need be. I walk with an air of confidence again, I take pride in the way I dress. It’s certainly not like this 24/7 , but now I don’t feel like the short fat kid who has to sit in the corner at the school dance anymore. I’m the short fat kid who asks the prom queen to dance again.

7. Live for the moments.

I am the KING of the big gesture, I used to do so many epic things for people (yes, girls), to try and win them over and convince them of my awesomeness, 99.9% of the time it backfired and I often didn’t get so much as a thank you. Yet I didn’t learn, I kept doing it, because I enjoyed doing those things, but selfishly I wanted something back from it, even if it was just a thank you. Those sort of things can be so draining to both your heart and soul. The easy answer was I was doing it for the wrong reasons, or so friends would always tell me, but then when the next “target” came along, I would commit the same foul.

Over the last few months, a light switch finally went off in my head that allowed me to admit that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. However, and this is a big however, so take note. This does not mean I should stop doing it. I ENJOY the big gestures, the work or research (called creeping these days), that goes into a big gift, or heartfelt gesture, so why should I stop doing it? No, instead, I need to change the reasons as to why I’m doing it. I no longer expect anything in return. I do it now because to simply make someone’s day is good enough for me. It makes me happy. Whether it be friends, a love interest or a complete stranger. I like to show that romance and magical moments still exist. Now I live for those moments. The moment of telling a beautiful girl in the elevator that she is in fact a beautiful girl, then simply walking away with no further interaction needed. Sending someone flowers, anonymously or otherwise, simply to make them smile knowing that someone made an effort for them that day.

So be warned, you may in fact be the recipient of a #BurgMoment… when you least expect it, something good could happen to you. You may get flowers, you may get your lunch bill paid for, you may have a clowns show up at your office, you may get invited to an all-expenses paid holiday. There are so few genuinely good moments in life, that sometimes you have to make your own. I notice everyone and I’m happy to say these moments have already started happening… so you could be next!

8. Don’t Give a Damn about People Opinions, But Stand Up For Yourself.

I’d always been “too nice”, too nice to rock the boat, too nice to complain, and too worried about what people might think about me, didn’t wanna embarrass myself you know. I had my pride. (This was always a very strange contraction to my outside appearance, with my tattoos, piercings and clothing, I always seemed to attract attention. I had an aura about me that drew people towards me). This effectively led to me being screwed over way too often and always coming out with the short end of the stick.

Then something changed. It might have been the 5 years in the music industry that hardened me, or maybe that was just part of it. But somewhere along the line I became a bonefide badass. You didn’t mess with me. If I am in the right, I will fight till the bitter end to make sure I come out the victor. Customer services and banks around the country know this better than anyone. I don’t accept cr@ppy service, I don’t accept being spoken down too, and I don’t allow people to be bullied. I stand up for those who feel they don’t have a voice anymore. I’m still learning the fine are of not going too far with making a point, and admittedly, sometimes I do push it too far, but I blame all the pent up aggression I have inside me. However, I’m glad I have hardened the eff up. And you know what? I have gotten more freebies, gift vouchers, apologies, and service than I have even had in my life. Score a point to the little guy.

9. Open to Trying New Things

I have always been so stuck in my ways. As much as a free spirit as I am, it takes a lot for me to break out of my own personal mould. It’s always been frustrating for people, because if my mind is made up, there is no changing it. Ok ok, let’s just cut to the chase, I will finally admit it. I am stubborn, fussy and hard to please….wow, I can actually hear about 400 people collectively saying “I told you so”. But I do admit it, and this is what has led to a lot of arguments with friends. Lately however, I have been so open to trying new things. Whether it’s something simple like a food I hate that I’ve never actually eaten, or maybe going out somewhere I don’t like with friends just to be with friends, or heck maybe even the reverse cowboy…I more than willing to entertain new things in my life. Maybe it’s something that comes with age, I’m not quite sure…all I know is that the way I’ve been living wasn’t making me happy. Of course I do all this within reason, it’s not like I’m living the life of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll now simply because being sXe wasn’t working for me, however I am now open to that cocktail on the beach in Hawaii or that beer in Germany…

10. I am Awesome.

To steal a catchphrase from The Miz. I am awesome, and I need to keep believing that to survive this crazy ride through the rest of my life. I’m a good person, and so proud of that, because there are very few of us left. In a world that is getter meaner and crueller by the day, it is us few white knights who need to keep the hope alive; the hope of something better out there, something good and caring.

I take this role very seriously; I like to bring hope to people but in an honest way. That has always been the purpose of this blog, and my life. I have seen it all and been through more, and it’s these life lessons that give others strength. There may be a touch of arrogance to what I say, buy my life has never really been my own, and I finally understand that. My experiences, the tragedy and the triumphs are given to me because I can handle them. I live my life openly, and this blog has never been shy of revealing things that most people are ashamed of, but I do it so that if just one person can relate to it, it’s been worth it. I’ve always seen myself as a person who comes into people’s lives when they need me the most. I offer comfort when others cannot. People tend to trust me and share their problems with me, which while overwhelming at times (especially when it’s not something I can physically help with), is something of an honour.

As my blog approaches that magical milestones of 100,000 views, I’d like to take this time to thank #TeamBurg old and new for supporting me, for loving me, for hating me, for having a reaction to what I say. I write because I feel I have something to say, and I always encourage you to do the same.

20 Things I Find Sexy

February 16, 2012

My last few blogs have been pretty darn serious, and thought now might be a good time to get back to the fun element of this blog.

It’s no secret it doesn’t take much to turn a guy on, and any guy who says otherwise is lying. However, we all have our favourite things we look out for, whether it be on a woman or guy. I don’t judge as we know. Maybe for some people it’s something someone does, or what they wear, heck it could even be something they say right?

Here’s my list of things that I find sexy, use it, don’t use it.

1. A pair of legs on a woman. DEAD SEXY. Of course I understand women can’t all have legs like Stacey Keibler, but I will always notice a legs on a woman first.

2. Dark Hair. On her head only of course….well, I can make exceptions.

3. Dark skin. Olive skinned woman or nicely toned Indian, South American women will forever be my weakness, of course this combined with the above Dark Hair = perfection.

4. Water. For some reason I find this the sexiest of all the elements. Taking a bath or shower with someone, getting caught in the rain, even a women drenched like a rat has a certain appeal. Anyone made love in water? I only know what I learned watching ShowGirls.

5. Tattoos on a woman. Kill me, kill me know. A bigger arm/shoulder tattoo is a bell ringer for me. Love that! Not so mad about tramp stamps and tribals though…so be warned, even I have boundries.

6. Athletic or sporty women are a big YES when it comes to sex appeal. As long as they are not the Serena Williams type, then I’m all for it. I like a girl who doesn’t play sports like a girly girl. And girl who supports my love of sports is a close second.

7. Pop Culture Geek. Love comics, movies, TV and such? well if you can hold a conversation about Zombies and know who the Green Arrow is, then its kismet.

8. Older women. Within reason.

9. Younger women. Within reason.

10. Girls who wear earphones. When someone walks past me or stands next to me in a lift wearing earphones, I can’t help but to watch them. Mouthing the words, or a slight reserved sway to the beat is sexy as hell.

11. Stripper Boots. Its a guy thing.

12. Bridges. Not sure where this came from, maybe its a movie thing, but walking on a bridge with a girl has such a peaceful element of sexy to it.

13. Holding hands. Especially on bridges. I find the simple act of holding hands sexy. The best way to test if there is electricity between two people.

14. Girl carrying coffee, like from a coffee place. Again, it could be a movie thing; it could be a New York thing, but it’s cetainly my thang.

15. School Uniform. Some people have the Princess Leia fantasy, or the nurse fantasy, but the uniform does it for me. You know what I love about school girls? I get older, they stay the same age. Yes they do, yes they do.

16. Class. Even to the point of being a snob. I find a classy woman the sexiest thing on earth. Cate Blanchett fits this mould nicely.

17. Accents. I think this is perhaps a more common one. Spanish/French/Italian/Australian/British all work for me. Even if it’s a fake one.

18. Shoulders. Like legs, a good pair of shoulder, and a woman who isn’t afraid to show them off is a sure thing.

19. Girls who wear t-shirts featuring rock bands from the 70s or 80s… and can actually name all the members in the band.

20. Other people’s wives.

What do you have on your list?

33 Things I Regret…

January 9, 2012

There’s a saying that goes something along the lines of “Don’t regret the things you have done, but rather the things you haven’t done”…which while stupid, is somewhat meant to say that one has the chance to do something they haven’t done if they have the courage…but as for the things you have done…well, I guess they will stick with you the rest of your life.

I often say that if I had the chance to live my life again I wouldn’t do anything different…that’s true to a point, because it has in truth made me who I am today…plus given me a boat load of content for these blogs.

However, there are many moments I would choose to relive. Certain decisions I’d make differently. Perhaps even people I would chose not to let into my life…

So with that, I’d like to present to you 33 such moments in my life…and of course, these are as brutally honest as you’d expect.

They are in no particular order, but rather presented as they come to mind.

1. I should never have cancelled my trip to NYC in 2010 for the reasons I did.

2. I should never have left my job at Heat/FHM magazine.

3. I should never have sold my World Cup final tickets.

4. I would never have convinced my Grade 12 science teacher that she lost my project when in fact I never handed it in.

5. I should of tried harder to keep my friend Ray’s friendship even though she chose to stop being friends. I miss her tremendously.

6. I would of spoken to my friend Paula the day I saw her in the post office many many years ago, instead of thinking she probably didn’t wanna speak to me.

7. I would never bought an expensive birthday gift for a girl named Vicki.

8. I should never have believed people when they said they had big plans for me, and followed my own instinct instead.

9. I would never have made that 8k bet on Leeds United because I had nothing else to do with that money.

10. I would never have sold my Evil Dead 1&2 replica Book of the Dead dvd box sets.

11. I should of made it to Rory & Rox’s wedding despite my own family drama.

12. I should of gotten my health sorted out before my Medical Aid was cancelled.

13. I should of fought back against those two guys who hijacked me.

14. I should never have wished my brother lost a race…I never had to chance to say sorry.

15. I would have kissed Katherine that day behind the school building.

16. I would never have pursued a girl named Lori.

17. I would never have gone to THAT Christmas party.

18. I should have stuck it out and done that school play with Damien. I had zero self confidence and felt I let him down.

19. I should not have let that damn tattoo artist tattoo the Roman numeral “V” on my leg while he was sorting out his divorce over the phone.

20. I would have apologized to my friend Charis when I accidentally hit her in the face with my school bag instead of acting like “it wasn’t that bad, get over it”.

21. I wish I didn’t cry like a baby the night I was announce as Head Boy.

22. I would of never organized World Cup final tickets for the girl who used my trust as a stepping stone.

23. I should not have used my data bundle in December to download “albino porn”.

24. I should of made the effort to go to one of Simone’s reviews.

25. I should of asked Jamie Lee Curtis for a photo that day in New York.

26. I should never have shop lifted that marble from Clicks in 1989.

27. I should never have left my friend Len stranded while I sorted out my own drama.

28. I would have admitted I broke the bathroom tap at a family member’s house.

29. I should of joined a tennis club when I was younger.

30. I would never have let former colleagues get away with the way they spoke and/or treated me.

31. I should never have cut up my old wrestling magazine to get pictures for my scrapbook

32. I would never have ignored my cousin Michael while I tried to sort out my own problems, my word to him should of come first.

33. I should never have had that ham & jalapeno sandwich before I wrote this blog.

Well, that’s it, a regret for every year I’ve been alive…that’s some heavy baggage right there!

A Dummy’s Guide To Burg: 100 Facts about Me (2011 edition)

April 1, 2011

There once was this girl I liked. I knew nothing about her really…except that she worked in an arms and ammo shop in the shopping center I first saw her. My attempts at flirting with her were initially sweet and charming, but I think the minute she realized I was serious, quickly changed her mind and said she knew nothing about me, and then suddenly she had a boyfriend.

Neither of which deterred me, and my solution to problem “A” was to write down a list of 100 facts about myself and then present it to her…Seeing as though I’m still single, it obviously didn’t make much of an impact.

I’d actually like to revisit that list now. A lot has changed. Some not so much. But maybe this will become a Dummy’s Guide To Burg.

1) I still live with my mom as I take care of her. People never understand why.
2) My dad died when I was 11.
3) My older brother killed himself a year after that.
4) I never had a childhood and missed out on so much socializing. I feel bitter about that sometimes.
5) I have a very very very high IQ…but for years have had to show patience when dealing with others.
6) I have the patience of a saint.
7) I sometimes pretend like I don’t know something in order for someone else to answer a question.
8 ) I hate warm/hot weather and prefer cold and rain.
9) I still eat with my baby fork.
10) I can’t sleep/nap unless my feet are covered.

11) I am straight edged. Don’t drink, smoke or swear…and never have once in my life.
12) I don’t believe in religion, but don’t believe anyone has the right to say their beliefs are the only correct beliefs. Wish more people would think that way.
13) I am an insomniac.
14) I worked in call centers doing technical support for 8yrs.
15) I am diabetic
16) I have been in 5 movies as an actor. 2 of them feature films. 1 has had a cinematic release.
17) I hosted a tv show once a week for 2yrs.
18) My favourite sport is tennis. I have a good knowledge of records and history.
19) Lord of the Rings is my favourite movies of all time.
20) I have a massive Johnny Cash music collection.

21) I have never been in a real relationship. Except for that one English period in high school.
22) I lost my virginity when I was 29.
23) That was my only time.
24) I am attracted to exotic woman. Namely indian and asian.
25) I don’t believe in marriage, but would reconsider it for the right person.
26) I hate the phone.
27) Even though I don’t drink, I collect shot glasses. I always ask someone to bring me back one if they traveling overseas.
28) I am a die hard WWE fan, and am undoubtedly the most knowledgeable person in South Africa on it.
29) I collect trading cards. And sometimes trade with colleague’s sons.
30) I love reading, and buy books to store in my library till I feel like reading them one day.

31) I almost never return calls.
32) I am a ridiculously good poker player, but I only learned how to play a few years ago.
33) I am a Liverpool supporter.
34) I love musicals, as long as they are movies and tv shows.
35) I’ve never been to the theatre.
36) I have unbelievably quick reflexes.
37) I see “things”…some may call them spirits.
38) I am a trekkie.
39) I am a brilliant ten pin bowler, and could have taken it more seriously.
40) I have 7 tattoos. Each has a very personal meaning.

41) I have a dog. He does not have a name.
42) I collect movie merchandise and action figures (which I never open)
43) My all time favourite band is Aerosmith.
44) I love Bollywood movies.
45) I know I am a phenomenal writer, but lose faith in myself quickly.
46) I believe everyone deserves a second chance. But 3 strikes and you’re out.
47) My favourite actor is Johnny Depp.
48) I’m very athletic, and despite my size and weight surprise people.
49) I used to write my own comic books as a kid.
50) I have a cat. His name is Rang’a because he is a ginger cat.

51) I strangely still trust my primary school friends, even though I haven’t seen some of them in almost 20yrs
52) I’m the best person to have in a crisis situation.
53) I had a cancer scare last year.
54) I don’t have a best friend.
55) I have a hatred for the country I live in. This upsets a lot of people who don’t understand why. They also don’t get it if I explain.
56) I enjoy reading autobiographies.
57) I am on twitter @theburg
58) I’m the guy everyone opens up to about their problems. I take this as a compliment, but at times its too heavy a burden.
59) I don’t own my own car.
60) I am a coffee connoisseur.

61) I’ve developed a fear of crowds.
62) My favourite food is seafood. Throw it into a pasta, and I’m yours.
63) I broken my arm and ankle in my life.
64) I have a passion for old TV shows, especially old cop shows from the 70s and 80s.
65) I loathe practical jokes and prank phone calls.
66) I collect PEZ dispensers.
67) The last time I had any sort of physical “contact” with a girl was almost 4 years ago.
68) I have a weird need to buy plush toys if they ask me to.
69) When I like a girl I don’t see her in terms of her age, race, or religion, this almost always works against me.
70) I like old skool Disney movies.

71) Pam Grier was my first “african crush”.
72) I listen to most all music…yet cannot tolerate dance music.
73) I wish I had someone to talk to about my “day”.
74) I’m not afraid of anything in life anymore….well except for heights.
75) My radio station of choice is Lotus FM.
76) I have a dvd collection of over 3000.
77) The crime I hate the most is theft.
78) I have vertigo.
79) I do my best thinking when I drive.
80) I enjoy having milkshakes with people, but that hardly ever happens.

81) I am fascinated by Egyptology. I’m not sure if that’s an actual term though.
82) My top 5 wrestlers of all time are: Kurt Angle, Bret Hart, Mr Perfect Curt Hennig, Randy “Macho Man” Savage and Hulk Hogan.
83) When I was a kid, I had an alter ego of “Pencil Man”, I made my own costume and had an entire backstory.
84) If I go to the cinema, I always go to the late show so that I’m alone.
85) My all time favourite comedy is the British “The Office”.
86) Big bugs or masses of insects freak me out.
87) I secretly love cooking shows
88) I’m a VERY good dancer, but hardly ever dance.
89) I am observant to the world.
90) I have had a work crush at all my jobs.

91) I am unbelievably lucky in competitions.
92) I am equally unlucky in life.
93) I find something attractive in most all women. With a few exceptions.
94) Wes Anderson is my favourite film maker.
95) Gays guys are often attracted to me. I take it as a compliment.
96) I believe if you like someone, you should tell them.
97) I hate people who comment in the forums of online stories/columns. They are for the most part mean idiots without a backbone.
98) I don’t think ill ever be a parent, but I’m open to the possibility.
99) I am a romantic, and believe in the “epic gesture”…just like hollywood showed me.
100) I will live in New York one day. In fact, I started growing my beard on the day I got hijacked (july 15th 2010) and won’t shave it off till the day I arrive in NYC. Its now 16cm long.

So that’s its…feel like you know me better? Or did you just suffer a case of TMI.

The List Guys Don’t Want Ladies To Know Exists!

March 27, 2011

What I’m about to reveal may result in getting me banned from any “guy meetings” that may take place in the world for the rest of my existence.

However, it is something that women have always suspected existed, and now like a magician who has been kicked out of the alliance…I shall reveal all.

The other night I went out. A rare occurrence for me these days, however it was to something I was looking forward to, so there was no chance I was going to cancel, or come up with some lame excuse like I usually do.

Instead, I said yes, I’d be there, with bells on, or in this case…with a plus one.

The idea of a plus one, is an age old tradition that brings a man like me to his knees. Whether it be concerts, movies, weddings, work functions or simply a friend’s dinner, a plus one is the ultimate firestarter for an overthinker.

Anyways, back to Friday’s outing. It was to a movie preview. Simple in concept, and easily where I’m at my most charming and impressive. The evening called for a partner who would a) appreciate the movie b) appreciate that we are there to see a movie and c) be able to have an opinion afterwards that I’d actually want to hear.

Let’s fast forward to my plus one for the night. It ended up being an old military buddy (not really, but work was hell back in those days), he’s a good friend who has similar interests as me, so we enjoyed ourselves and constructively discussed the movie afterwards. Perfect.

Now comes the big reveal. He was not my first choice. (and he knows this because he knows the rules and plays by them too.)

You see, in order for him to have come to movie with me, I first had to make my way through the list, and IF nobody on that list was able to make it, by default, he was in.

The list is one which guys don’t want you to know exists.

For the safety of any guys out there, I will from hereon out refer to “we” as “I”.

I have a list. And every time I go out, or have a function coming up that gives me the chance to ask someone out, I consult this list.

The list is normally, but not limited to, comprised of five women I am very interested in.

There is always a definite #1 on the list, the hottest, and most appealing of all the women, who I will ALWAYS ask first. In the slim hope that she is free that night. 90% of the time she isn’t, because come on…she’s WAY outta my league, but there’s always that 10% chance she says yes, and boy, when she does, it doesn’t matter if we’re going to a wedding or a funeral, the fact that she is with me makes everything else seem inconsequential.

#2 on the list is general a woman that I really like, and at times thought she might even like me too, but since she always has a new boyfriend of the month, you never quite know if there will every be anything…but there’s no way you’re taking her off the list.

#3 is often the newest person on your list. She is someone you may have been out with once or twice. There is however, a distinct possibility that you may have in fact never even met her in person! I have two of those at the moment. One is in Cape Town, and the other one here in Johannesburg. I will always be waiting for just the right thing to ask them too.

#4 is normally the person I’ve known the longest. She tends to have already put you in the friends zone. You refuse to believe that the door is totally closed on a relationship, and live in the hope that she will one day decide to say what the hell and give it chance. Every now and again I make this friendship awkward by flirting a little too much.

# 5 is the most reliable of the lot, she is normally “ok” looking, and you get along great, and for so many reasons you could easily be with her on a more …full time basis…but, truth of the matter is, she’s not numbers 1-4.

The hard and fast rule of asking someone on the list out is that you NEVER extend the invite to more than one person at a time.

You always ask #1 first, and you don’t, under any circumstances ask another person until she has absolutely said no. Sometimes however, this may result in her only finally saying no about an hour before the event starts, which normally results in you going straight to #5 on the list and missing out on the other girls.

If #5 is not suddenly willing to drop what she’s doing and get ready…well, then you’ve always got your guy friends to fall back on.

So when I post a message on my facebook status, about how I have a ticket to this or that, yes, I am often directing it to those five in the hope that one of them makes my job easier, because I’m actually too scared of getting rejected by EVERYONE on the list.

The actual girls on the list can change, but the reasons they are on the list often don’t.

Mmm…I wonder if I should name and shame the 5 on my list …I’ll tell you this much…there are ALL Burgie award winners and nominees…

For the record, if I don’t post a blog again, its because there has been a bounty put on my head by the male species…

Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 2: The Weird, Whacky And Wise!

February 24, 2011

By the time this blog has been posted, I will have achieved an amazing personal milestone on Burgsworld of 75, 000 views! It’s something I’m very proud of. Sure, most people stumbled across this site by accident, but there are so many loyal readers I’m immensely honored to have visit here on a regular basis.

That’s why now felt like the right time do this retrospective blog.

Today’s “best of” features my best select of the weird and whacky blogs that provide not just the highest traffic to the site, but also helped people understand my humour and creativity. With mostly positive comments and feedback, these provide a true thumbs up collection.

Part 2: The Weird, Whacky And Wise!

The Burg List – 101 Things to Do Before I Expire

Everybody has a bucket list. I, naturally have a Burg List. From the awkwardly honest, to the crazy person goal, to the most outlandish of needs, this list personified what I want to do in life, and made a lot of people blush along the way. If you can help with any…you know where to find me.

The Man Crush

Responsibly for almost a third of my total hits, The Man Crush blog got a huge boost of traffic thanks to the controversies that surround the like of Adam Lambert and Kevin Smith’s airline fiasco. It was just the right blog up at the right time. One of the favourites amongst readers, even those guys who thought me just a tad gayer for writing it.

Seinfeld: The Lost Episode (Part 1)

I went through a phase of what like to call “pop-pseudo-reality”, where I took real life situations going on in my life at that time, and turn them into “fan fiction” pieces of writing around Pop culture.

Scrubs: The Lost Episode

Another beloved blog, that captured the magic of real life love troubles with the quirkiness of an episode of Scrubs.

24: The Lost Episode (based on actual events)

Never before has asking someone you like to the Christmas party been so life threatening. An akward situation turned into an episode of 24.

The Pact!

If we’re both single in 5 years….let’s reread this blog.

Dear Hawk Girl…

An open letter to a member of the Justice League of America? Or a declaration of love? Why should we have to choose.

There’s this guy who works at my BlockBusters…

There are few people I hate in this world…but the guy who works at my Blockbusters is at the very top of that list. Another fan favourite blog.

Dear New York…

An very personal letter to the REAL love of my life….

————————————
Those are my picks for my quirkiest and more out there blogs…A bit of fantasy, a lot of humour but always 100% honest. Where there any blogs you feel I left off this list?

Lemme know!

10 Reasons I Hate Going to The Movie Theatre-Slash-Cinema

October 28, 2010

Ah man
The smell of the popcorn!
The giant slush!
The forthcoming attractions!
The opening scene of a movie!

Who doesn’t love going to the cinema!

…well…Me.

I used to. I used to go a couple of times a week, even a couple of shows a day! My old friend Danielle could back me up on that. We were the king and queen of movies. (me being King…obviously)

Then, somewhere along the line I became this cranky old man who found the whole cinema going experience one of the most frustrating things a human being can do.
Maybe it’s because I’m constantly going alone that I observe more of what’s going on around me.

These days however, I only go to the LATE show, because 9/10 times, I’m the only one there.

Let me explain, in a little piece I like to call – 10 Reasons I hate going to the Movie Theatre-slash-Cinema.

1 – Is there anything more irritating than a group of people who stand around looking at posters of upcoming movies? There’s always one person who thinks he knows more about the movie than anyone else on the planet – who then proceeds to spew out facts that he read online as if he were the one who documented the making of the movie.

2 – The casual movie fans. Now yes, I understand that not everyone can be a human IMDB like me. But why engage in a conversation about movies with fellow casual fans when neither of you know anything. Their conversations normally proceed as follows “Um, you know that guy who starred in the movie with the guy in the robot suit…darnit…what’s his name again”…”oh you mean that black guy who won the Oscar for that one movie?”…”yes, him…no wait sorry…I’m thinking of that other guy, with the dark hair. He married that one from the TV show…what’s her name…”

3 – That damn Salt & Vinegar flavoring salt. There is no way any mortal man can resist piling heaps and heaps on that stuff onto their box of popcorn. Only to almost choke to death on the very first piece of popcorn thereafter.

4 – People who laugh during bad unfunny commercials JUST because they are with a group of friends. If you don’t laugh at the on the TV at home, don’t laugh at them at the cinema.

5 – Later comers who fail to adjust their speech audio levels after they pass the “giant doors”. For example – “…AND DUDE SHE WAS LIKE 15!…” …then off course, the rest of the friends proceed to laugh.

6 – “Rebellious” teenagers who don’t really want to watch a movie, but just want to be out unsupervised. They make rude noises, throw popcorn and try embarrassing their own friends jackass style.

7 – People who constantly reply to text messages, check the time on their phone display, or even TAKE a phone call during the movie, only to say “I can’t talk I’m in a movie”. IF they wanted your phone in the movie…they’d have put it there. Those damn cell phone lights are distracting as //%&.

8 – 40 plus cinema goers (mostly parents) who have been making the same jokes for the last two decades. Example: Wife –“Gosh it’s full tonight; I hope we don’t have to sit right in front!” Lame Husband – “Ag babes, then we get to see the movie first” Lamer wife – “hahahaha”.

9 – The guy/girl who can’t hold their bladder and refused to pee before the movie. Inevitably when they return, they ask “what I miss?” I always like to throw in a ludicrous answer.

10 – The uneducated response while walking out after the movie – Example: After walking out the FIRST Lord of The Rings movie “Dude, what a k@k ending”. Example 2: After walking out Disaster Movie/ Epic Movie/ Dance Flick or any other recent spoof flick “Dude, how funny was that! Classic!”

Gosh I actually have way more than 10. but have I missed anything out? Are these irritations specific to South African cinemas or do you all experience this in some form or another? I wanna know.

5 Reasons I hate South Africa & South Africans

December 2, 2009

I initially wrote a quick blog about the many irritations I deal with on a daily basis by simply being a South African living in my “home country”.

As I continued to add more and more content, I found the blog turning out to be something of a labour of love/hate.

I didn’t want to just spew out a few luda-WHAT statements about my annoyances that would garner a knee jerk reaction by those who are proudly South African, an oxymoron in itself I’m sure, but I actually wanted to give factual (if not totally opinionated) examples of day to day living.

This has led me to delay the posting of this blog until I was completely satisfied with it. As each day came and went I felt the need grow to make this blog post something special to me.

I am not a proud South African. I have given my blood sweat and tears to this country, and i have been rewarded with crime, loss, dehumanization and so many more factor which I will address.

Below are the top 5 factors that lead to my absolute hate of the country and its people. In each case, I have no doubt there will be exceptions to my thoughts, but I also don’t care, I’m far too judgmental to be bothered to separate people, so I’ll rather just lump everyone together under one banner and label you all.

So, if you are offended easily then a) stop reading right here b)grow a pair and accept that you are part of the problem c) help contribute to my NYC fund and help get rid of someone who is constantly negative about the country.

You will see many references to words such as “accountability” and “responsibility”, which is expected, since it’s the common thread in this post, and quite possible a reason on its own.

Still here? Ok…well then….let’s begin.

5) The non existence of service delivery

I’ve previously blogged about quality control on products in SA , but my hatred for this runs so much deeper than a simple typo on a DVD cover or incorrect packaging. There is a distinct lack of accountability on products and service & support in this country.

If you’ve ever gone to a customer service section of a chain store, such as a Game, or Pick n Pay or Hyperama, you will immediately have a distinct memory of a frustration (or in fact a belittling attitude) you have had to deal with.

Firstly getting acknowledged by the employee on the other side of the counter is an effort. A simple hello, or smile really does not cost a thing (much like J-lo’s love), and goes a long way to setting the tone for the rest of the complaint/query.

I’m the first one to understand that I am just one of hundreds of customers dealt with on a weekly basis, but quite honestly I don’t give a damn. If you are working in a customer services division, you have a job to do. Love it or Leave it. You should treat each and every customer with personal attention. It’s a simple code your store should live by.

As an English speaking person, I also expect all communications about me or regarding my query to be relayed in English. Side conversations to a supervisor or section manger in an African language I don’t speak are not only disrespectful to me as a client, but also result in a broken telephone translation of what I am actually asking assistance on. – This results in further frustration.

This apathy to doing a job starts at petrol pump attendant level and goes right to the top to government.

Have you ever called a customer service helpline? Has the person on the other end ever actually understood what you are asking?

Trust me, Ive been on the other side too, it takes a certain kind of person to offer support. I did it for 8 years, and I was damn good at it, even though I hated it.

In this day and age, how can so many people be so ungrateful that they have a job to the extent where they couldn’t be bothered if they do it properly?

The country has promised so much job creation to its people, I just never realized that they pick jobs out of hat for each person.

What ever happened to the right person for the right job approach?
What about municipal governments contribution? how many time have you not have water? electricity? not had your garbage collection? This is a weekly concern. I pay rates and taxes on time, and the exact amounts im billed for (well…there was that one time…for a few months)…I dont ask for much…just to be treated like a human being by my own government. we don’t get explanations as to why these things occur…if we lucky, someone catches them out on a lie, THEN we get some sort of explanation.

Next week I’m going to try being a doctor. Hey at least it’s a job….

4) The Youth

You’ve heard your parents say it in some variation or another “kids today!”…well I’m sorry to say …they are right.

The youth of today is nothing short of embarrassing. Perhaps this is more personal one since I lost my childhood through circumstance and never got to experience the “youth gone wild”…But even kids of my age where never this bad.

Now, I understand each generation has their catch phrases and habits…but have you ever had a conversation with anyone below the age of 16? I have… many times (bless those internet chat rooms….I joke I joke). It’s almost impossible to actually have an English conversation with them. Seriously, it’s like trying to decipher the Da Vinci code.

They can’t even be bothered to spell correctly anymore. They abbreviate the word “the”!!!!…these are habits that wont get broken. When students inevitably get to write exams via cellphones, I’m sure we will get the following:
Question: What brought on the downfall of Obama’s presidency?
Answer: Pd. Obama, s0ught 2 rule 2 much. Causing cuntries 2 ask “WYD”.

Ok ok, see I can’t do it LOL.

I’m sure this is something that a global problem, especially with things like the internet and mobile phones around to influence them, but my point is there is a distinct dumbing down of the youth, and what’s worse is there is an increase apathy about being a good decent person.

We see kids go to school and kill their schoolmate with knives, guns, samurai swords.
We see kids accused of rape.
We see kids torturing animals.
All on the increase. With no remorse.
And we see these things, because the youth are thoughtful enough to record it on their camera phones and send to us via Bluetooth.

Kids are more interested in going to a friends house when the parents are away and indulging in alcohol, smoking and irresponsible sex. Then of course tagging each other on Facebook.

Didn’t there used to be rules in society that protected families from these sort of influences?

I happen to have the TV on often, and can’t help but watch the train wreck that is Youth TV. South African kids presenters are a ridiculous showcase for the “cool and hip”
White guys try to be gangsta black
Black guys try to be American black.
Girls well…girls will be girls.

The South African youth has lost their identity. They follow US trends and try to duplicate them – to embarrassing proportions. Are you not diverse enough as it is? Can you not find some common ground to be something that is a true representation of South Africa?

We have an ANC “youth leader” that is nothing short of a moron. He is preaching idiotic ways and means that to an easily influenced youth will hold water. So where is the hope for our future? Probably passed out drunk.

Strange that I’m attracted to 17 yr old school girls then? Naaaa…as says…”that’s what I love about these schoolgirls man. I get older…they stay they same age”…”yes they do….”

3) LifeStyles of the Rich and The Famous

That little speech about kids presenters reminds me of a joke I once heard…

A former Miss South Africa, A cricket player, A radio DJ and a Soapie star walk into a room, the next day, a headline reads “The biggest celebrity of the Event”.

Hahaha LOVE that joke…ok sure I just made it up right now, and its not really a joke, it’s a way of thinking here.

You know, its sad that a celebrity starved culture such as South Africa is so eager for someone to put on a pedestal that we don’t acknowledge those hard working actors and musicians that slave away at gigs, auditions and small roles, but instead we will rather show heaps of praise onto our radio DJs, soapie stars, beauty queens and sports stars who just happen to attend the opening of an envelope.

They simply have a good agent who gets them invited to a movie premiere (which is generally attended by Joe Average too).

We try label them as SA’s Posh & Becks or SA’s JayZ & Beyonce…

Our papers, magazines, entertainment shows shove the same faces down our throat and try make us believe they are celebrities. What’s perhaps worse is these individuals try and ACT like celebs too.

Newsflash. You are NOTHING more than a personality who has a fun interesting job. (until you get fired for a) speaking your mind or b) getting too old)

Then as if that weren’t enough, we had a reality show host that ends up host every show on TV, MCing every corporate function in town and trying to release her own single.

Give me a breeeeeeaaaaak.

Then we have to two kinds of celebrity followers. Those who are friends with personalities and try parading their friendships across all means of communications, Twitter, Facebook etc….you can keep your conversations private…why must we all see that you are going out that night to a club? Is it a public announcement? Are we to be impressed? Oooh look they’ve got a pic with themselves with a celeb, man I wish I had the same pic 1 million other fans had.

I’ve worked for a celebrity gossip magazine, so I know how these things work.

Type number 2 is they pseudo celeb. He’s the guy who was featured in a segment on a TV show, or had her name or face in the paper. They of course also try shameless promotion to try convince the rest of us that they are famous. My friends, you have hit the big time!

Sad.
By the way, my big movie SlamBang comes out on DVD next week…Order yours now here.

You know what’s my favourite thing about SA celebs? When they “fall from grace”
Wow…someone did something wrong…but thankfully we are there to cover it 24/7.
You know what? I just banged your wife and we did coke of a small child’s back while watching illegal DVDs…

*cricket noises*…

mmm… no paparazzi….

——-
Top 2 reasons coming soon

My Top 60 Soundtracks(Part 3)

August 19, 2009

Coming in thick and fast… here is part 3 of my countdown:

40. Strange Days
strangedays
– I haven’t seen this movie since its cinematic release back in the mid 90s, but I’ll always remember it scene for scene.
Fave Tracks: “Selling Jesus”- Skunk Anansie, “Hardly Wait” – Julliette Lewis & “While The Earth Sleeps” – Peter Gabriel/Deep Forest

39. Cocktail
cocktail
– Another effortless cool movie and soundtrack…dreamy is the word i’d use.
Fave Tracks: “Kokomo” – Beach Boys, “All Shook Up”- Ry Cooder & “Wild Again” – Starship

38. Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
billandted
– 80s Rock…. to the max.
Fave Tracks: “Battle Stations”- Winger & “God Gave Rock And Roll To You II”- KISS

37. Remember The Titans
rtt
– er…70s Rock… to the max
Fave Tracks: “Spill The Wine” – Eric Burdon & War, “Long Cool Woman (In a Black Dress)” – The Hollies & “Up Around The Bend” – Creedence Clearwater Revival

36. Clueless
clueless
– The movie that made us all fall in love with….Stacy Dash (ok ok and Alicia Silverstone too).
Fave Tracks: “Supermodel” – Jill Sobule, “Shake Some Action” – Cracker, “Change” – Lightning Seeds & “Kids In America” – The Muffs

35. Dirty Dancing
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– the movie is epic, the legacy is epic, and gosh darnit, nobody puts Baby in a corner.
Fave Tracks: Every single track on the legacy edition.

34. Scream (Trilogy)
119364_1_f29cvs5lOST_sream
– The Completist in my wants to list all 3 soundtracks here…so i will.
Fave Tracks – “Red Right Hand” – Nick Cave, “Schools Out” – Last Hard Men, “She Said” – Collective soul, and a ton of others across all three albums.

33. Higher Learning
477-1
– Fabulously heavy movie…really effective use of heavy rap mixed with slower fare.
Fave Tracks: “Losing My Religion” – Tori Amos, “Year of The Boomerang” – Rage Against The Machine & “Ask of You” – Raphael Saadiq

32. Dumb & Dumber
dandd
– Still Jim Carey’s funniest, and the soundtrack was an equal mix of quirky.
Fave Tracks: “New Age Girl” – Dead eye Dick, “The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead” – Crash Test Dummies & “Where I Find My Heaven” – Gigolo Aunts….holy crud…actually there are about 8 or 9 other great tracks here…

31. Can’t Hardly Wait
canthardlywait
– still one of my favourite teen movies ever. With an equally cool soundtrack.
Fave Tracks: “Graduate” – Third Eye Blind, “Turn It Up” – Busta Rhymes & “Paradise City” – Guns N’ Roses