Posts Tagged ‘lonely’

Alone vs Lonely – A Burg’s Definition

March 21, 2011

One of the easiest ways to turn a conversation tense, is when I start discussing how lonely it is being alone, especially with a member of the female race.

Her definition of being alone is always girl-power centric. Perhaps a reflex defense mechanism to prevent me from asking her out, she is quick to state that she is so much happier being alone than having to explain her ways to some overprotective jealous boyfriend. Of course, within a couple of weeks she has found herself a new overprotective jealous boyfriend.

I’ve been alone most all of my life. I don’t say that as a sort of “woe is me” statement, but rather as a life fact. We’ve delved into my personal history enough of the last few months to prove this, and won’t go down that road today.

Having grown used to being alone, one adapts. Through the years, I’ve had to make do with being the only child (through circumstance), the one guy who doesn’t fit into a clique, and of course being a likeable guy with an amazing personality (read: too nice a guy to get into a relationship with).

What follows now, is my definitions of being alone vs being lonely.

Of course the internet, and now subsequently Social Networks have been a double edged sword when it comes to being alone and lonely, but hey, at least they’ve ironically brought you to this blog.

Shopping
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Being alone has its perks. For instance, it’s easy to go grocery shopping. You don’t need to squabble over different name brands when it comes to toothpaste, air freshener or butter vs margarine.

Being lonely however, results in a much higher monthly expense bill. Over the years, I’ve found myself buying things like dart boards, a pool table and board games, in the hope that just in case I do in fact have someone over who happens to know how to play any of these games.

Staying In

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Being alone is a great way to avoid smoky clubs, loud music and arguments over whether to rent Bridget Jones Diary, or buy the latest Steven Seagal movie on Bluray. Dinner is also a pleasure, because in being alone, a packet of Big Korn Bites does truly qualify as a meal.

Being lonely however results in way too many hands of Solitaire – with real cards. You tend to miss almost all of your shows on TV because of constant channel surfing. Friday night porn just becomes another show with way too many ads.

Going Out
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Being alone is a blessing when going to the cinema ie. Viewers choice! Going out for a meal, whilst somewhat sad, means that there is nobody to pick on your plate instead of eating what they ordered for themselves.

Being lonely makes going to the drive in somewhat pathetic. Going to a concert highlights the fact that you’re the only person out of 10,000 people who is not there with someone.

Work
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Being alone is productive. You get more work done that most of the other staff combined.

Being lonely is noticeable when you’re the only one who attended work Xmas parties alone, year after years, after year, after year. People tend to notice you are the only person who never gets private calls, not even on your mobile phone.

Online
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Being alone is great, as you don’t have to quickly close your laptop to prevent anyone from seeing what you’re watching online. You have full permission to instant message anyone of the opposite sex and you can shop alone till you’re credit card is finally rejected.

Being lonely online makes you come across as need, attention hungry and somewhat creepy. Fueling you with the desire to explain yourself in a blog of some sorts…

So…which one are you? Alone or Lonely?

I definitely started my life off as alone…but I’ve undoubtedly succumbed to being lonely.

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Stand up for Burg: 4 Months later – Hijacked and Trapped

November 5, 2010

What I remember the most about my hijacking just less than 4 months ago, was the concern everyone felt.

Are you ok? That’s unbelievable! You’re lucky!

What the whole event did for me was simply confirm what I have been feeling for many years.

I want out.

Out of (South) Africa.

I vocalized this in many ways, and stirred all sorts of emotions from people.

There were those that said what happened to me was because I was so negative about the country.

There were those that supported my feelings and tried turning it into a racial thing.

There were those that used what happen to me as a catalyst to get out of SA themselves.

Once the attention died down from the incident, everyone went on about their normal lives (as they should), but for me, every day has been harder than the next.

I have nightmares at least once a week. Sometimes about what happened, sometimes they are more abstract.

While the crime aspect of the country is a HUGE deal, it’s not my main motivation for wanting out.

My greatest fear is dying in this country – sure, but not through an act of crime. It’s from allowing the country to kill me because my dreams are far greater that the country allows them to be.

I am now at the point where I feel trapped by my own ambition.

A while back I made a comment on Facebook where I said I had put feelers out to New York.

A fact that was known to most everyone, and something I was always vocal about. However it was misunderstood to be I was unhappy in my job and wanted out. This put me into a serious doghouse which I’m still pretty certain I’m not out of yet.

I LOVE WHAT I DO.
I have one of the greatest jobs in the world (yes, except for Halle Berry’s lover.), but this is something I could and would want to do for a very long time.

My problem is, my life needs to begin.
For over 30 years my life has been filled with loss, heartache, pain, and struggle.
The memories and reminders of my life follow me around daily. From the roads I travel, to the place where I live. Add to this the surmounting problems in the country, and each day I am dying a little bit more.

I want to leave the country. But I don’t know how. Other than a transfer in my job, which nobody seems to take seriously, there are so few avenues for me to use.

Dramatic much? Sure. But this might have been a more casual conversation 10 years ago. But not at the age of 32.

I’ve seen two friends give it all up in the last 2 weeks, to follow that dream, and while I am so happy for them, I am so unequivocally jealous of them that I feel guilty.

But I don’t have the luxury of qualifying for certain visas and what not. I’m fighting the odds as I have always done.

It scares me. Sometimes to the point of where I just don’t believe its possible to make it happening.

Yes, New York is my first choice. But at this point I would be open to any sort of forward movement, whether it be London, Toronto, or even Vietnam.

Having nobody in my life (Ed’s note: Oh stop with the sob stories), this is the lonliest thing I have ever done, and that alone brings me to tears.

I don’t often ask people for anything (well, except for that one time I was poor), but if you can help…I urge you to:

Stand up for Burg.

I see people…everywhere…

August 18, 2009

I had a good sleep last night.
Surprisingly so considering what happened just a few short hours before that.

I went to an album launch….which is part and parcel of my job really…nothing out of the ordinary… in fact during my days as an out and out journalist for a certain “scandal” magazine, I was at a function 4/5 evening a week. I knew the scene, I knew the people.

But last night… it was different.

First, more on the History lesson….

When it comes to going out, one of my worst fears is when an invite includes a partner, or a plus one. Its not about finding a “date”…its about knowing im not alone….which I almost always am.

Two years ago, there was someone I used to bring with me to functions for a few months at least, and the evenings always became about the drama between us, and the repercussions lasted for days.

Eventually, when things became so bad, I shut myself off from the world. I stopped going out, and didn’t go anywhere… even to my friends functions… if I did, it was a guest appearance.

Over the last two years, I’ve become so much happier….at the expense of a social life…
If I want to go out, say to a movie… I got to the late show, when I am the ONLY one in the cinema. (Irritation sets in if there is even just one other person in the cinema)

If I go CD/DVD shopping, I always pretend I’m talking on my cell phone so that no assistant will come and ask me if they can help…..in fact… I will create an elaborate discussion with myself on the phone…complete with making up names, and storylines as I go on with the conversation.

As I say, I’m happier, I really am, I’m not the moody, miserable git I used to be. And the simple reasoning for this, is I avoid people…people who disappoint, hurt and irate me. Is this my fear about meeting new people?

Maybe it’s a safety mechanism I have build up….but you know what…it works.

For years now, I have not gone out to social functions. I’ve made excuses, I’ve ignored invites and I’ve simply just avoided putting myself in those situations.

Then, over the last 2 or 3 months, I’ve felt myself somewhat motivated. My creativity and drive has returned (as evident by my plethora of blogs), I’ve started becoming my own person again, daring to be different, dressing like I used to, feeling good dammit.

I know the exact reason behind all that, I know exactly what’s been motivating me. This time I’ve been smart enough to know how to deal with it.

Then last night…..

I decided, last minute, to venture out into the big bad world again, I felt ready to be myself again. I had my concerns, but I really felt I was ok to be around new people….

The function for all intensive purposes was well organized, well attended and pleasant (I’m sure). I however, am not one to stick out in a crowd. I am jut naturally someone who draws attention, whether it be my look or my vibe (only you can answer that), which makes it impossible for me to become inconspicuous.

At the function, I immediately noticed heads turning and looking at me (I blame my new awesome curly moustache for that though), and already panic was setting in.

Saying my hellos to people I knew, I quickly made my way outside for air. Only to be followed by a stranger who clearly was up for conversation…

He opened up with the ironic words of “you look lost buddy”…..

I made the rookie mistake of talking back to him.

Then he engaged in a conversation all about his career and electronics store.
Torture.

As the crowd began to fill up, I began panicking even more.

I ordered an orange juice at the bar, and the bartender in his condescending tone, look down on me and said “really?, I don’t think we have”, and then proceeded to list the juices they do actually have once I realized I was serious.

“Idiots! They all idiots!” is what I kept thinking to myself….arrogant I know… but lets be honest…most of that crowd was. With some notable exceptions – who know who they are.

I couldn’t stand still…I walked up and down….eventually…after about an hour… I cracked… I had to leave…the function hadn’t even started yet, but I just couldn’t anymore.

I snuck out and left. (I won’t even go into detail about my parking ticket irritation that followed.)

Why did I put myself in that situation?
I know why, and I would do it again and again for that exact reason…because for this reason, I would try to become a better person without question.

I prefer my hermit life…it makes me happier… lonelier …but happier.
Thanks for reading…but now I have to get back to my research on social disorders, Agoraphobia and Panic Disorders.

oh and also…about that movie premiere on Wednesday night…(plus finding a plus 1 is going to be fun).