Posts Tagged ‘pop culture’

The Burgies: And the Winner is…(Part 3)

March 13, 2011

And we’re back for the final part of this year’s 1st annual Burg’s World Awards where the most prestigious awards of the year continue to shock and surprise us.

However, due to time constraints, last night we handed out several award for technical achievements, please join us in congratulation the following award winners –

I Don’t Have The Guts To Ask You Out On A DATE Date Award – Kayan Amira Leung

If I Was Just A Little Bit Younger Award – Farah Barry

I’d Do Pretty Much Anything For You, Even Though You Don’t Know I Exist Award – Kriya Gangiah

You Might Actually Know More Than Me Award – Brennan Babb

Why’d You Have to Go And Get Married Award – Paula Fehrsen

The Impact Award For Outstanding Contributions – Susanne Weber

Best International Friend Award – Gordon Brown

*ad break*

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome our next presenter – Angelina Jolie.

Angelina Jolie – “Hello. There are millions of starving children all around the world, and we are spending time handing out these awards? For every winner tonight, I will adopt and African child…Ok, let’s get this over with. The nominees for the I’m Not So Secretly Attracted To You, And This Freaks You Out Award are”

Ika van der Vyver – There are few people I admire as much as this lady. A true icon in Burg’s World, she continues to set the trend for self empowerment as well as self improvement. How can that not be attractive to a guy? She is pure class.

Loshanee Moodaley – Beauty, ambition, wit and legs that kills. Yup, those boxes are all ticked. Which ironically are the same four boxes that put her WAY outta my league. But a man can dream…and most every night its of her.

Paula Fehrsen – multiple nominee already tonight, I keep thinking to myself….time machine…

Thamashni Naidoo – Gorgeous, pop culture savvy and sexy as hell. Her milkshake truly brings all the boys to the yard…and those boys would all beat the cr@p outta me before they let me close enough to every stand a chance.

Special write in entry Lori Jones – despite history, I will always think she was THE one. End of story.

And, the winner is…Loshanee Moodaley!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome your next presenter…Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson – “This is perhaps the creepiest category known to man….and if anyone knows anything about creepy…it’s me. Hey sugar tits, slow the prompter down so I can keep up. Here are the nominees for the I Know We’ve Never Met, But I Really Like You…A Lot Award

Farah Barry – she is so innocent it blows my mind. In a world where there is so much wrong, she brings a smile to my fave with the way she enjoys the simple things in life. I hope her view on life doesn’t change as she gets older, because she is a breath of fresh air in life.

Romi Moondi – In my dream world…she fits perfectly as the missing piece of my puzzle of perfection. Realistically she is the one person I will never meet in life, which I suppose is for the best as if we did…the world might explode.

Shaheema Barodien – People have told me that the only person I would ever be happy with, is a female version of myself. And hopefully she doesn’t read this and go jump in front of a buss, but she is the closest thing to the female version of myself. I have the utmost respect for her work, and like to poke and prod to test her tolerance, which I think annoys her immensely…but its like when someone pulls your pigtails in nursery school…

Aletia Naidoo – a mystery unto herself. This is what perhaps makes her to so attractive to me. There is so much I will never be able to understand about her, but so much I want to know. I hope I will get the time in this life or the next. Her beauty on the outside is matched only by the beauty of her soul.

Sheetal Magan – I watch her from a distance. Not literally of course…(that’s a different award), but her passion is a flame which will never be extinguished. The relationship she has with the people in her life is pure and honest, as she seems to be.

And the winner is…Shaheema Barodien!!!

*ad break*

Ok folks, here to present the final award of the evening is the man himself…The Burg!

Wow…what an evening it’s been. Thank you to everyone who has endulged me this evening. I love and appreciate having you all in my life no matter how close we are. There are those that don’t even know the impact they have had on me. We may not talk, or hang out, or even see eye to eye. But I am who I am because you are who you are.

Now I’d like to present the final award of the evening. …

The Burg Lifetime Achievement Award

Paul & Angelique Elliott – this two people have seen me at my worst, at my best and at my burgest. They have never judged, always offered a hand and a heart when I never knew how to ask. I am so happy that they seem to be happy in life, and the only reason I don’t know this for sure is because of my own laziness. I will make the effort to be a better friend to both of you.

Simone Ka-Ling Ho – Wow, so much has been said already. I mean every word of it, and now double so. I have turned down many an invite, and you still continue to be such a good friend to me. A lesser person would of walked away a long time ago. Of all the clouds up there in the sky, you are my favourite one.

Natasha & Stephen Prior – From boss, to tennis opponent, to friend. Two of my favourite people in the world. Supportive even at the darkest of times, they always seemed to have faith in me. Through my craziest comments, to my brutal honesty, they never once saw me as anything other than a friend. I cannot wait for you to come home. I need that energy.

And, the winner of the first ever Lifetime Achievement award is….Natasha & Stephen Prior!!!

That’s a wrap folks, congrats to all the winners, and thanks to my celeb friends for helping make this ceremony a success….see you again next year! Or whenever it seems appropriate to do this again.

See you at the Afterparty!


The Burgies: And the Winner is…(Part 2)

March 13, 2011

Welcome back to the 1st Annual Burg’s World Awards, it’s been a ceremony filled with celebrities and emotions. But we’re not done yet folks…so please welcome your next guest presenter…Jack Black!

Jack Black – “Alriiiight. So…the Burgies huh…its like being at the Rock n Roll hall of fame…you know…without the Rock…and there’s no actuall hall…and nobody here is really famous…I don’t really know any of these people here tonight…but Hey We Could Actually Be Good Friends If We Hung Out More… Not That We Will Award

Ashley Kleyhans – A man who like me, speaks his mind and expresses his opinion. We didn’t really know each other THAT well during our working together days, and truth be told I was probably a little intimidated by you. We have grown to become good friends who have a lot of mutual interests, and I thank you for taking the time and effort to engage in conversation and debate with me so often.

Warren Harding – Forget Tiger bloog…we have Puma blood. Someone I always got along with and enjoying spending time with. I’m glad we chat as much as we do now, and I hope we get to catch up when I’m next down in CT. A true gentleman.

Thamashni Naidoo – We only just scraped the surface of our friendship, but it felt like it was over before it began. Which is such a pity because I will always have that “What If…” feeling when thinking about you.

Jay Cee – Perhaps its your love of classic TV like me that earns you a nomination, but I think we have deeper understanding of each other as you know part of my live a lot of people never got to see. The tragedy that bonds us is something that bonds us.

Talita Mostert – If it wasn’t for that silly time difference…and the fact that you live on a different continent, I have no doubt we would be better friends. I hope that one day we get too see each other again, because you truly are one of the sweetest people I know.

And…the winner is …Warren Harding!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome to the stage your next host…Woody Allen.

Woody Allen – “Good evening everyone *adjusts glasses*…all these nominees are truly *adjusts glasses* capable of being world glass talents. Which is rare in Hollywood *adjusts glasses* as none of them are Jewish*. This is the Let’s Make a Movie Together Award

Jordan Shade – We had such great chemistry during our time together, and my greatest regret is that we only made a short film together…we need to expand to full feature sir. An accomplished actor who deserves more attention.

Roland Gaspar – Firstly, a hearty congrats on your wedding this weekend. Secondly…We need just one more film to complete our trilogy. Let’s make it happen. Slam Bang thank you mam.

Dan Ger Mac – This guy is so talented it’s scary. We need to work together soon. We have been promising it for years now, but our common love for Wes Anderson must stand for something in this crazy world…

Morne Du Toit – Whatever happened to this guy…I joke I joke…he’s doing more work than I could ever hope for. Another man I need to complete a trilogy with. Co-star and director…we need our third.

Sheetal Magan – Another true talent who needs a chance to shine. I wholeheartedly believe she will do something life changing in this world…I can only hope I will be part of it in some way.

And, the winner is…Dan Ger Mac!!!

*ad break*

*musical number

*ad break*

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome…Miley Cryus!

Miley Cyrus – “Hi ya’ll. I’m sure you’d all agree that tonight’s awards have been pretty cool. Wouldn’tcha? I’m here to present the In A Different Time, A Different Place, A Different World Award, and just a note to the winner…trust me…ya’ll really can have the best of both worlds!”

Romi Moondi – My muse. Pure and simple. This northern light is the only person on this planet who can pull me out a writer’s block with a simple word. For me, she is perfection. Beautiful and talented.

Paula Fehrsen – As I mentioned, a primary school friend. My greatest regret was in 1992, not being brave enough to come up and speak to you at the post office the year after we parted ways. I was at a low self confidence point. Two decades later I see you happily married with a beautiful child. I sometimes feel selfishly sad that its not me, but for the most part I’m happy that YOU’RE happy.

Leigh Lobotomy – If only I was a little cooler. That’s the truth. I get intimidated by the life you lead because I fear I would get eaten alive. I like to watch from a far I guess. I wish you nothing but happiness because you deserve the life that you want.

Kimberly Lloyd – An award winner already tonight, Ms Lloyd is my one and only Colt. I wish I was there, and more of a bad boy 😉 We have miles to go before we sleep though, I can promise you that!

Simon Williamson – If I swung that way, dude you would be my perfect choice. Sports mad, an amazing writer who is sharp as a tack and not afraid of controversies. Sign me up sailor!

And, the winner is…wow… we have a tie! Romi Moondi and Leigh Lobotomy!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome the one, the only….The cast of Friends!

Jennifer Anniston – “you know guys..i’m glad we were all able to have career after friends ended…I mean I had a number 1 movie”
Matt LeBlanc – “I’ve got a critically acclaimed new show called Episodes”
David Schwimmer – “…um..i got married”
Courtney Cox – “And I got separated”
Lisa Kudrow – “uh…you guys are all so successful, now I’m jealous!”
Matthew Perry – “Hey come now guys…Didn’t We Used to Be better friends than This?”

Brett Schewitz – I hope the fact that I told you I stopped following you on twitter hasn’t ruined our friendship. We are better than that. I know you’re a busy guy now, but time difference aside, I hope we chat again soon…

Claire Ullyett – An old school friend, and old colleague…we’ve seen a lot in our time, and truth me told, I don’t know nearly enough about your life and what you’re up to these days. I should have been a better friend.

Benita Enoch – And up and down friendship that has finally reached some sort of calm and understanding, our heated chats became more loving as time went by. I miss sharing things with you and hearing how your life and love is progressing.

Paul & Angelique Elliott – Two of my closest friends. I always feel somewhat guilty that I let you guys down during my downward spiral. There were times I felt ashamed of myself and couldn’t hang out with you because of that. I’m angry that I haven’t even seen your bouncing boy yet…I do hope I get enough energy back in my life to make a better effort to be your friend again.

Nabila Esat – I feel like we only friends when both of us are single. Am I wrong? I hope that it’s just me being paranoid, but I’m normally right about this things. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You have grown from a girl into a beautiful woman.

And, the winner is…Paul & Angelique Elliott!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome back… Charlie Sheen!

Charlie Sheen – “That’s right trolls I’m back! Every Warlock needs a good assistant who does everything for him…just like i did for that troll John Cryer on the set of Two and a Half Men, and what he didn’t appreciate was that Effort Goes A Long Way In My Book Award

Kayan Amira Leung – That smile could melt even the coldest of hearts, and at times mine is the coldest of the cold. While most people take my moods and just being moods, this lady is an absolute sweetheart, who has done what few people have ever done. Found my address and come to visit me with a box of muffins! (the doorway too my heart as we know)

Simone Ka-Ling Ho – A Burgies award winner already tonight. From the days of The Burgs Eye View Website and ICQ, this classy lady has stuck with me for longer than most people can tolerate. And now when I think books…I think you.

Susanne Weber – If im interested in something…she’s makes the effort to learn about it, do the research and be able to relate. She never pretends, she never makes excuses. She’s became such a regular in my life that I actually feel a bit empty when she’s not commenting or discussing something I’ve posted online!

Warren Harding – Showing a genuine interest in my life and the things I do. This is the guy who kept my farewell email sent out almost 6 years ago! I appreciate each and every minute you talk just to say “dude ‘sup”.

Russel Pieters – A Burgie award winner tonight already. I’m not really one to go out anymore, that’s just part of the hermit I’ve become, but I just wanted you to know that I’ve appreciated each and every invite you have extended my way. I’ve slowly allowed myself back into the world and your friendship has helped with that.

And, the winner is…Kayan Amira Leung!!!

*ad break*

Coming up next, who will take home the final 3 awards of the evening? Stay tuned for more surprises!

The Burgies: And the Winner is…(Part 1)

March 13, 2011

Hello and welcome to the first annual Burg’s World Awards, affectionately known as The Burgies.

It’s been an exciting few days for the nominees who have been on the edge of their seats awaiting the results of this highly anticipated Awards Show.

With that…let’s go to our host….Me.

*musical interlude*

*ad break*

*musical number*

*ad break*

*musical number*

*ad break*

*three hours later….

Well everyone, this is the moment you have been waiting for…Please welcome your first presenter…Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen – “ I’m here to present the I Envy Your Life, Even Though I Know Nothing About it except From What I See On Facebook Award. In my opinion all of these nominees are already Duh…winning.

Andrew Murray – based in New York is enough of a reason to earn this former colleague a nomination. His constant advice is welcome as I try and join him in the City that never sleeps.

Corinne Lalouette – Ah to be young again…This lady has not been afraid to live her dreams, and is not afraid to try something new. A globe trotter of the highest order.

Mohammed Seedat – Another former colleague and Liverpool, Mo’s collection of travel photo’s and sporting event photos is enough to make anyone Red with envy.

Kriya Gangiah – a star on the rise. I have been watching this lady since last year’s World Cup match between USA and Algeria when in a capacity crowd of 35,000 people she was the only one I noticed walking around the touchline. A presented, actress and mode. The world is her oyster.

Kayan Amira Leung – A long time friend who has been on the other side of the world for the longest time, but her Facebook photos and emails have made me feel like I’ve been with her every step of the way.

And the winner is….Corinne Lalouette!!!

*ad break*

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your next presenter…Gerrard Butler

Gerrard Butler – “Helloooo Ladies aaand Gentle men…this next catagoooorie is filled with peeeple hooo haaave at times seeeeemingly dropped off the plaaaanet, but hooo’s conversaaation is definitely missssed. This is the “I Miss Talking To yoooo Award””

Veronique Lalouette – we used to chat so often about our lives and views on the world…then you carried on with you life while I retreated into my world. I miss not being about to talk about all the big things that are happening with you, and wish you all the best for the upcoming nuptials.

Roxanne Lauren Konkol – those late night chats and vents were something I always felt honoured to be around for, as you grew up though, you experience the real world and all it had to offer…I felt left behind because of my own self confidence issues. Your honesty was only matched by mine.

Simon Williamson – a friend made during the toughest period of my life, our Boj jokes and award winning screenplays were the stuff of legends. Then we drifted apart and realized most of our friendship was based on our proximity together. I’m so happy for your recent engagement and wish you the best. But I’m sorry I havent been around to know more about your fascinating life.

Thamashni Naidoo – a random friendship that was formed. Perhaps it moved to fast or I expected too much, but chatting to you was always a highlight of my day or night. Some bad decisions soured the friendship, its not about blame, or accountability anymore. People are people and I miss talking to you…even if it is about hot football players. *awkward silence*

Kimberly Lloyd – BBM ruined our friendship lol…the time difference of course has a hand in keeping us from being better friends. We were on a roll for a few weeks/months and it was by far the most enjoyeable time of my life in recent years. The silly things like real life got in the way.

And the winner is…..Kimberly Lloyd!!!

*ad break*
*musical number*

Please welcome…our next host…Kim Kardashian….

Kim Kardashian…”Heeeeey Guys, I’m super proud to be here tonight, because I’ve realized that family comes first, and sometimes you need to be super proud of what you can achieve when you communicate with others. My new perfume taught me all about being a businesswoman and I’m super proud of that. I guys you might say, You’re My Biggest Fan…and that’s what this award is for.”

Michelle Daniels – a Myspace friendship that had its initial ups and down and arguments, we eventually both matured in our lives and found our true roads of destiny, always supportive of my and willing to forgive my moods to show that our friendship was something more than just a “new friend request”.

Simone Ka-Ling Ho – One of my longest running supporters. Always there with a word of advice, a mention of encouragement and a sympathetic ear. Our conversations go back a long long time.

Susanne Weber – An old school friend who always made time for a good conversation back then already. Her willingness to ask questions about something obscure I talk about was always genuine and heartfelt.

Darren Symington – an unexpected friend who understood my dark twisted view on life, and has always been able to related to something I put out there, no matter how controversial or smug. Supportive of letting me be ME.

Andre Ulrich George – The first of two newer followers who has been supportive and encouraging of my more emotional work. Not sure how he found out about my existence, but I’ve learned not to ask these question…

Annie Naidoo – If ever there was an accidental friendship, this was it. A true groupie (in the best possible way) of my work, and a constant reinforcement of this being what I am supposed to be doing with my life. She’s good people…even if she’s a Man U supporter!

And The winner is…Simone Ka-Ling Ho!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome back… Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen – “You’re all on a drug right now…and it’s called Charlie Sheen…forget about the Friendship Comeback Award, this should be the Tiger Blood Award, because all these guys need Adonis DNA if they’ve managed to stay friends with The Burg through the rollercoaster”

Russel Pieters – My best friend in High school, or at least I always liked to believe so. I’ve always had a confidence issue that made me believe I’ve never been anyone’s best friend. We lost so many years being out of touch, and when we chat it feels like no time at all has passed. Life has changed, but you haven’t sir.

Justin Paulsen – and up and down friendship for many years now. I think it took us a long time to figure out what kind of friends we were, and we seem to be at a comfort level now. I thank you for your help during the bad stage of life, it show that you are a much better person than i.

Leonardo Borella – A true friend no matter what. My greatest regret is that I wasn’t there for so many big moments in your life. You’re a hard working, honest friend who’s heart is bigger than most people’s combined. This calls for a victory roll Len.

Natasha & Stephen Prior – Last year’s catchup in London was just the shot in the arm our friendship needed. I got lazy, you got a family. But the time I spent with your family is one of the true honours in my life. I love you all dearly, and can’t wait to get your butt back on the tennis courts. Tash – you may want to film it to show the kids.

Paula Fehrsen – An old primary school friend. Our recent conversations have been so heartfelt and fun. I spent many years looking for you, and am so glad that we chat, even if it is on such an infrequent basis.

And The Winner Is….Russel Pieters!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome your next host….Sean Connery.

Sean Connery – “Hello. I’m Shhhhhean Connery.”
*standing ovation*
“Thish ish…the Did You Ever Know That You’re My Hero Award”

Jessica & Leon Byker – Oh Canada! The Doc and Jessica Rabbit have always been two of my favourite people. They are so genuine in their friendship to others that they are the kind of people you wish for nothing but happiness. Their hard work has paid off and they are now one of the lucky ones (twos?) who have ventured into a brave new world. Something I talk about, but they actually did.

Jean Barker – A witty lady who has given up everything here to be a screenwriter in LA? Yes, I know what you’re think…my perfect woman. She is undoubtedly an inspiring person, even if that make her uncomfortable. I am living vicariously through her. For Now at least…

Leigh Lobotomy – a true wild child. So honest in who she is, she is the genuine article. Accepting of her mistakes, and brave in her desires….Authentic and original. There are few people like you left in this world dear.

Brett Schewitz – A passionate person who ventured out into a brave new world. A true South African at heart, he’s following he dream of a bigger career and a better life. Nobody deserves it more than him.

Michelle Daniels – What can I say that I haven’t already? A lucky lady who turned her dream into a reality.

And the winner is…Jean Barker!!!

*ad break*

Please welcome the next presenter – the 1980’s version of Eddie Murphy

Eddie Murphy – “A-he-he-he…Howdy folks. You know, you don’t often hear a black man saying howdy. In fact the only time you hear a brother saying Howdy, is in the sentence “How’d he know we was jacking that car?” A-he-he-he. You white folks all gotta light up, because this next category is for you only – this is the You’re Almost As Big A Geek As Me Award”

Till Tillman – If Germany had it’s own Burg…it would be The Till. Action Showdown Friday is the highlight of my week.

Robin Pierce – If I turn into sir Pierce when I’m a (slightly) older man. Life would of turned out pretty damn good. Sir Pierce is proof that it is possible to be a loving family man and still keep your geek credentials in tact. A legend.

Gordon Brown – a long time friend, fellow pop culture fan and wrestling booker. We have been through the ups and downs of loss and changes in our love for Wrestling. We have discussed awesome movies and shared thoughts on books. Up the Morton!

Travis Marc – One heck of a talent, a nice guy and sort of a nerd. I’m discovering more and more that we have in common as the years go by.

Justin Paulsen – Me? Him? Me? Him? Only he would load Windows 98 just to play classic games. Legend.

And The Winner is…Robin Pierce!!!

Ladies and Gentleman, we will take a short break and return later with the rest of your winners….

The Stuff In The Basement

March 8, 2011

Rocky: “I don’t know, there’s still some stuff in the basement.”
Paulie: “What basement?”
Rocky: “In here.”

Ok, I’ve never won any sort of championship.
I never got statue of myself outside the Philadelphia Spectrum
I never even owned a cool black leather jacket with a tiger on the back.

However, I have always believed I’m a true underdog story.
My whole life has been a million to one shot, much like the plethora of Rocky Balboa references I’ve already dropped in this blog, the odds of me being a success have always been questionable.

It could be said that I’ve done it all in my life. Or as I like to catchphrase “seen it all, and been through more”. After doing the recap of my live in some 50 odd blogs, I felt utterly exhausted…and miserable.

Looking back at all I’ve had to go through to get to this very moment is something I wouldn’t wish upon my biggest enemy. Maybe on the person who stole my mug this week, but certainly not my WORST enemy.

For all intents and purposes, I should be happy I’ve turned everything around in my life. Sure there are small little things missing such as love and happiness, but I’ve existed without that for most all of my life, so I’ve grown used to it.

I’m in a great job, with the potential of some sort of forward movement on the horizon after 5 years of being there (BIWISI). I’m debt free. I’m eating well. I have a few cents to spare. All good things right?

Then why am I so restless?

Because of that damned junk in the basement.

I have one last fight in me. I need to know there is still a place for me in this world. That I can go toe to toe and say I AM.

All day, every day I listen to people complain. Complain about work. Complain about the air conditioner. I listen to people talk about their children and their first teeth, first word and first poop. I battle traffic every morning. I deal with electricity outages. Water shortages.

I’m living a very ordinary life. I’m living a very frustrating life too.

It’s not what I am meant to be doing. It’s not where I am meant to be.

These are all things you have heard from me before in one way or another, but I’m reaching the point of self implosion.

Before that happens…I need to get into the ring one more time. I need to take on that impossible fight, but this time…it’s the last round. If I lose it…I need to just shut the hell up and go about living life like everyone else does untill my time on this earth is up…but, if I can just get in one good punch….I may just get the upset knockout and get everything I want in life.

I wish I had an Adrian to do it with. I really do…but this is Rocky 6. One last sequel. Besides Adrian is dead in this one *spoiler alert*…(or does that go before the actual spoiler)

It may be crazy…but what’s so crazy about standing toe to toe with someone saying “I am”?

*This has been a Rocky/boxing metaphor for my life as of today.
** This blog is dedicated to my muse. The sole reason I was able to overcome my writers block.

Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 1: Rants & Opinions

February 23, 2011

My original plan for my 100th blog was going to be a retrospect of my 10 favourite blogs over the last two years.

That failed to happen for a number of reasons, mainly that I couldn’t choose between so many important blogs, but the idea sorta evolved, and whilst I’m working on the draft for my book, I realized that my blogs could easily be used to tell my “story”.

What I’d like to share you now is a retrospective of what I’ve written, how the blogs came about, what the aftershocks were and a few other fun facts.

They are not in any sort of chronological order, but will be something that will benefit new readers to my blog who don’t know where to start, as well as those who maybe missed something, or would like to revisit a blog they last read ages ago.

This will be a three part retrospective piece broken into different “categories” for lack of a better term

I proudly present to you – Burgsworld: The Essential Collection.

Part 1: Rants & Opinions columns

You know what I Hate? (The 3rd in a series)

I’ve always had a phobia about public toilets, and a severe case of “stage fright”, combined it made a perfect entry into my You Know What I Hate Series.

You know what I hate…(the 2nd in a series)

Driving on our roads is dangerous enough, but through in our street vendors and you have a new entry into this series.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Am I gay? Or just a nice guy? Throw in a strip club story and I’ll tell you…

Did I ever tell you about…
Ever heard the same story one too many times? I have…

Me & My Mug – A Love Story
The blog that made me a global phenomenon, got featured on the WordPress homepage, and turning me into the third fastest growing blog on WordPress, Ladies and Gentlemen – the blog you want to be turned into a movie.

Movies Ruined My View On Life
I hate movies, but only because I love them.

10 Reasons I Hate Going to The Movie Theatre-Slash-Cinema
There are many reasons I avoid going to the cinema, but you only need to know 10.

Alexander Graham Bell Ruined My Life

I hate the telephone, and now you know why.

Five Rules To Surviving An Office Kitchen
Another one of those blogs that everyone can related to. Yet nobody seems to do anything about.

5 Reasons I hate South Africa & South Africans
This is the blog that almost turned me off writing forever. In fact no blog has stirred up as much emotion, hatred and debate as much as this piece, which is ironic as I still haven’t actually finished it. The comments continue on a daily basis.

So that’s Part 1, What do you all think? Any favourites? Any blog you feel should be revisted or expanded upon?

Seinfeld: The Lost Episode (Part 1)

October 20, 2009


Jerry’s Apartment

Jerry and Elaine are standing in the small kitchen in Jerry’s apartment.
“I’m telling you, he’s gay” Jerry says with conviction.
“Yeah…you might be right…”..agrees Elaine

A door buzzer rings.
Jerry answers the buzzer “Who is it?”
“It’s me” bellows George.
“Come on Up”

Jerry resumes his conversation with Elaine, “ok, if you really wanna know, take the guy to the video store and ask him to pick out something. Then just wait and see what he chooses”
Elaine – “oh c’mon”
Jerry – “no seriously…it’s easy. If he chooses anything other than some cheesy horror or a tearjerker, he doesn’t intend trying to get any action….if you know what I mean”
Elaine – “Really? What about Rocky?”
Jerry – “Gay.”
Elaine – “Flashdance?”
Jerry – “Gay.”

At that George enters the apartment.

Elaine – “Grease?
George – “I love that movie…I just rented it again last night”
Jerry – “See what I mean?”

George – “Jerry. I’m in love.”
Elaine (sarcastically) – “I’ll leave you two alone…”

Elaine leaves.

George – “Seriously Jerry, I think I’ve met the woman of my dreams…”

Jerry – “ok…I’ll play along. Who is she?”

George – “It’s this girl at work, Stacy. I tell you…we have that “connection” everyone’s always talking about. I always thought that was a load of crap… Till now Jerry. Till now”

Jerry – “And how long have you known this Tracy?”
George – “It’s Stacy”
Jerry – “just checking…”
George – “We’ll we’ve worked together for three years, but we spoke for the first time today.”
Jerry – “Wow…I’m impressed.”
George – “I know right…love at first sight”
Jerry – “No, I’m impressed you’ve had a job for 3 years”

George collapses in Jerry’s couch, and continues “we spoke for hours. She told me all about her family, her past relationships, the scandals at work, her likes, her dislikes, There is nothing I don’t know about Tracy”
Jerry – “Stacy”
George – “Yeah..that’s what I said”
Jerry – “no, you said Tracy”
George – “Yeah her name’s Tracy. Oh God…now you’ve got me doing it…What is her name!”

At that Kramer comes barging in.

Kramer – “Hey guys…do any of you know what Goats eat?”

Kramer heads to the kitchen and starts opening Jerry’s cupboards.

Jerry – “Goats?”
Kramer – “Yeah, I’m looking after my uncle’s goats.”
Kramer notices George sinking into the coach “What’s wrong with him?”
Jerry – “He’s in love with two women”

George – “It’s just one woman. THE ONE Jerry. Mark my words, she’s the one”

Kramer, now intrigued, “Oh yeah, way to go George.”

Jerry starts eating cereal.

Jerry – “So if you know everything about her, does she know everything about you?”
George – “Well, I didn’t really get a chance to tell her anything”
Jerry – “I thought you spoke for hours”
Kramer – “Uh-oh. You mean she did all the talking? That’s not good George..not good at all?”
George – “yeah… well, I didn’t want to…interrupt her.”
Jerry – “So what did you do while she spoke?”
George – “I nodded…”
Jerry – “You nodded???? You never nod! That’s like telling her to go on!”
George – “I’m a nodder Jerry…I was born a nodder, and I’ll always be a nodder. Don’t judge me”
Kramer – “It could be worse, you could have been a smiler.”

George has guilty look on his face.

Jerry – “You nodded AND smiled??? For the entire time she spoke???”
Kramer – “Oh George. It’s over.”

George – “What?? How can it be over, it just started!”
Jerry – “Everyone knows that when you’re a nodder and smiler, women see that as a great listener”
George – “So what’s wrong with that?”
Jerry – “It means…you’re a great friend George”
George – “I’m in the friends zone??”
Kramer , smacking his hands together – “smack dab in the middle of it”

George “After one conversation?”
Jerry “We’ll it wasn’t a really a conversation. She talked. You listened”
George, irritated, starts walking towards the door – “ok, from tomorrow no more nodding and smiling at her!”
Jerry -“It’s too late George!”

“NEVER!” we hear coming from the hallway as George leaves.

The Video Store


Elaine and her date, Nathan, are browsing the aisles.
“So what are you in the mood for…” Asks Elaine, waiting eagerly for Nathan’s answer.
Nathan – “Anything is fine, you choose”
Elaine – “Oh go ahead, pick whatever you wanna watch….anything at all….from any section”
Nathan – “Um…ok…how about…”
Nathan picks out a slasher flick “unless you don’t like being scared?”
Elaine pumps her fist – “YES!…i mean no…I love being scared” she smiles ecstatically.

The two walk up to the counter to check out their movie.
Two gay gays are there and are returning their video.

Nathan – “Oh wait, are you guys bringing that back?”
Gay guy #1 – “all yours pal”
Elaine picks up the cover…it’s Grease.
Elaine –“dammit….”

Ad Break
(Part 2 coming soon….)

Scrubs: The Lost Episode

October 15, 2009

JD Voiceover:
Every once in a while friendships are tested by three little words. And more often than not the decision as whether to say those words, can forever change a friendship…

Turk – “You’ve got to just tell her …”
JD – “I will…when the timings right”
Turk – “The timings never right, you just gotta suck it up, be a man and say “I Love You”. Chicks dig that stuff!”
JD – “yeah that’s easy for you to say…chicks dig it when a BLACK man says I Love You”

A Barry White look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, in his trademark velvet voice. She crumbles.
A Denzel Washington look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, he is shirtless. She crumbles.
A Mike Tyson look-alike tells a hot girl he loves her, in his trademark squeaky voice. She laughs.

JD – “Ok, maybe not all black men”

The next day at Sacred Heart Hospital…

Elliot is banging the vending machine trying to get out a chocolate bar that is stuck…

Turk – “Ok there she is, now’s your chance. Remember Be A Man”
JD (psyching himself up)– “BE A MAN”

JD puffs up his chest and approaches Elliot.

JD – “Ell I need to tell you something really important…”
Elliot (distracted) – “Sure JD what is it…”
JD – “Elliot I….I….I Love You…”…*BANG*…Elliot gives the vending machine a smack at the exact moment JD says you….
“…gene Levy” – adds JD
Elliot now paying attention again – “You love Eugene Levy? The dad from American Pie?”
JD – “…Uh huh…”
JD speeds off awkwardly.

JD and Turk are sitting in the Hospital Canteen. JD is busy explaining his failed attempt at telling Elliot he loves her when Dr. Cox walks up.
“Lady troubles Bambi?”
JD – “Dr. Cox…how would you tell your best friend you love them?”
Dr Cox – “Woah there Cinderella, I think he’s gonna hear you…(whispering) he’s sitting right next to you” (Dr. Cox points to Turk).
JD – “No, Not Turk…”
(Turk pouts)
“But you know I love you right brother bear?”
Turk (Smiling again) “I love you too Papa Bear”
The Boys smile at each other foolishly.
Dr. Cox – “You two are sick, but if you really want my advice Ginger. Just suck it up and be a man”.

Dr. Cox walks off.

JD – “You know, sometimes I really wish he’d get transferred to a hospital in Australia or something…”

Elliot joins the table, Turk excuses himself.
Elliot – “Hey”
JD – “Hey. Listen…this morning I didn’t quite tell you what I wanted to”
Elliot – “oh yeah? What’s up?”
JD – “Elliot… I’ve been wanting to tell you this for so long…I love you”
As JD says the word you, Dr. Kelso interrupts.
Dr. Kelso – “you love what??”
JD – “I said , I Love UNICEF, and I was wondering if Elliot would like to help me with some charity work”
Elliot has a confused look on her face…


JD is consulting an elderly patient…and drifts off into thought

Patient – “…Dr. Dorian…are you ok?”
JD – “oh I’m sorry Mr. Garrison. I’m just a little distracted…”
Mr. Garrison – “It’s a girl right? It’s always a girl”
JD – “yeah…you see there’s this girl I work with, who’s like the closest friend I have…”
Mr. Garrison – “…and you’re in love with her right?”
JD – “Is it that obvious?”
Mr. Garrison – “yeah, but just not that obvious to her. You see son, life is short, and if you have a chance to tell someone how you feel, you tell them. What if they get hit by a bus tomorrow?”
JD – “Yeah I know, its just…what if it ruins our friendship”
Mr. Garrison – “Dr. Dorian…excuse me for saying so, but suck it up, be a man”.
JD – “I been getting that a lot today”
Mr. Garrsion – “Now Doctor…what’s wrong with me”
JD – “Oh right sorry…well it seems like ..oh…it seems like…well…you’ve got advanced testicular cancer. I’m sorry Mr. Garrison.”

JD Voiceover:
We’re always told to appreciate the people in our lives today, because tomorrow they may be gone…What they don’t tell you though is how much those people WANT to be appreciated…

JD is watching Elliot pack up her locker after a long day.

Carla and Todd walk up to JD.
Carla – “Why don’t you try asking her out JD…”
JD (embarrassed) – “what…what are you talking about”
Carla – “oh come on JD, you’re head over heels in love with her, the whole Hospital knows but her”
JD (irritated) – “WHAT? How does everyone know?”

The Janitor walks past and says “I handed out flyers….Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go burn rubber”

Todd – “you should tell her you want to bang her! Chicks dig that”
Carla – “maybe the chicks you go out with you pervert”
Todd – “that’s not what your mom said! Yeah!” Todd holds out his hand for a high five…

Turk joins the group and says “Hey guys what’s going on?” he completes Todd’s high five, blissfully unaware.

Carla slaps Turk and storms off.
Turk – “What did I do???”

JD – “ok, this is it…I’m going to tell her…”

In slow motion an inspired JD floats towards Elliot.

JD – “Elliot, I going to tell you something, and I don’t know how you’ll react, but you need to know…”
Elliot – “Ok…”
JD – “No interruptions!”
Elliot – “sorry…”
JD – “Elliot…I am head over heels…”

Just then Ted appears between the two.

Ted – “Hey guys, have either of you seen any tyres laying around…someone has taken them off my car…oh…sorry JD where you about to tell Elliot you’re in love with her?”

Elliot is stunned.
Elliot – “What?”

JD Voiceover:
We can plan things in our heads for years, rewrite what we want to say 100 times, but at the end of the day, unless we suck it up and do it…opportunity will just pass us by and move on the next person.

24: The Lost Episode (based on actual events)

October 12, 2009

The Following takes place between 5pm-6pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

2 Floors beneath the city centre, a secret organization (CTU) sets into motion a series of events that will forever change the lives of those involved – in a mere 24 hours.

Head of the secret organization (CTU): “ Ladies and Gentleman, today we launch an event so traumatic, that will tear apart our very own organization as we know it…the year end Christmas Function!”

Meanwhile, on some random street a cell phone rings and a familiar voice answers: “Bauer….”
…“Jack, its Chloe…we have a situation”…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6pm-7pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Chloe…? I’m undercover…you’re not supposed to call me on this line”
“I know Jack…but its urgent…I’m uploaded an email that was intercepted on our server within the last hour”
“Ok…it’s coming through now”
There is a deafening silence broken only by a passing car hooter.
“Jack….are you there? Jack??”
“I’m here Chloe…are you sure about this…has anyone else seen this email?”
“…everyone jack…”

Jack responds ominously “Then God help us all…”
“I’m afraid so Jack…another Christmas Party”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 8pm-9pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

There is a buzz around CTU headquarters as everyone reads their emails. Programmers are already instant messaging chat rooms and arranging dates for the Xmas Party. The finance ladies are planning their travel routes and subsidising extra expenses…

However two CTU agents are in heavy discussion about a more serious nature.
Special Agents Tony Almeida & Michelle Dessler:

Michelle: “Tony…Chloe found Jack…he’s alive and undercover”
Tony: “What??? …dammit Michelle…ok…does Kim know?”
Michelle” “We’re not sure…”

Suddenly Kim Bauer, Jack’s daughter appears in sight…

Tony approaches her..“Kim…we need to talk”….he grabs her arm and they disappear into a nearby Interrogation room.

Michelle watches from outside as Kim breaks down into tears and hugs Tony.

Tony rejoins Michelle
Tony: “She knew”
Michelle: “Then what was all the tears about?”
Tony: “…she’s worried about having to find Jack a date for the Christmas Party…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 10pm-11pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
A cellphone rings
“Jack…it’s Tony”
“Godammit Tony…whats the point of being undercover if everyone’s going to keep phoning me!”
“I’m sorry Jack…we’re bringing you in….”
“No Tony…not know…I’m days away from finding out what went wrong with the Idols votes…”
“We all wanna know Jack…but you know this is more important….we have to find you a date”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 11pm-12am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Back at CTU headquarters.
Everyone stops what they are doing at the sign of agent Jack Bauer walking through the corridors of CTU.

Tony Almeida speaks up, “Jack, we’re here to help you…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12am-1am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “ No…it’s too dangerous…I’ll find my own date!”

Tony Almeida: “How Jack? You say the same thing every year…now let us help before more people have to die….”

Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use a dating agency”

Just then, several explosions go off around the city as every dating agency in town is bombed by terrorists.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1am-2am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll use find someone on the internet”

Just then, a deadly virus is released by terrorists onto the internet destroying every major system in the financial and municipal sectors.

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2am-3am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll ask President Palmer if I can go with his sister”

Just then, a CTU phone operator speaks up “Agent Almeida…its President Palmer…he says his sister….has….has…been assassinated by terrorists!”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3am-4am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Dammit Tony …I’ll fly out tonight and bring back a wife from Russia”

Just then, Russia prepares a nuclear attack on the US….a terrorist group takes responsibility for the announcing of a pending attack

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4am-5am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Jack Bauer: “Oh c’mon!!!! Seriously? A Nuclear attack what is this 1986??”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 5am-6am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
CTU headquarters is on edge. Agent Michelle Dessler is the voice of reason…
“Ok guys..its late…none of us have had any sleep….what say we get some shut eye and give this some fresh thinking…?”
Everyone agrees…

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 6am-7am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 7am-8am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 8am-9am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 9am-10am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 10am-11am , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:

The Following takes place between 11am-12pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Tony Almeida reconvenes the CTU…
“Ok guys….right now we need suggestions…time is running out, Jack will be awake soon, and lives are at stake here!”

Special Agent Chloe O’Brian speak ups…”Um….guys…I have an idea…”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 12pm-1pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Tony, trust me…I can do it …”
“No Chloe…its too dangerous…”
“Tony…I want to do it…”, continues Chloe
“….you sure?”
Chloe nods…

“ok…someone wake up Jack….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 1pm-2pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Dammit No Chloe, I can’t put you in danger….” bellows Special Agent Jack Bauer.
“Jack its ok…I want to go to the Christmas Party with you”…

“But what if….what if people talk?? There’s no way you can go to a work Christmas Party with someone you work with…especially not if…”

Jack stops short of revealing something he’s been wanting to say for months now…

….Chloe pushes him…”not if what Jack….?”

Jack finally gives in “…especially not if you’re in love with your colleague….”

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 2pm-3pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Less than an hour ago, Special Agent Jack Bauer revealed his feelings for his colleague Chloe O’Brian after she volunteered to be his plus one at the year end Xmas function.

“Jack…I’m sorry… I didn’t know”….
“It wouldn’t have made a difference either way though…right?”…laments Jack

“Jack…maybe we should try find you someone else…I don’t think I thought this out properly”

“DAMMIT Chloe, we don’t have time!”

“Why don’t you go with Special Agent Mary Wallbanger?”

“C’mon Chloe…her name says it all…”

“I don’t know Jack…I need to rethink this”….

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 3pm-4pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
Chloe is still thinking

Tick Tick Tick

The Following takes place between 4pm-5pm , 5 weeks before the CTU Xmas function:
“Ok Jack…I’ll go with you on one condition”

Jack says without hesitation “anything…”

Chloe takes a deep breath and says “We can still be friends after this…”


Dear Hawk Girl…

August 29, 2009

Wow…so this week has been weird huh?
It’s been killing me that things have changed suddenly here at the Watchtower… there’s nothing worse than have an awkward work environment.

We both know why, maybe it’s an embarrassment thing, or an ego thing, but I guess we just been trying to ignore the obvious.
Truth be told, I miss you. A lot! I miss my friend first and foremost.

Even Super Girl and Black Canary have been asking me what’s happened. So it’s become something that people have noticed – which I know you hate, because you just want to go about your daily tasks of helping the humans on earth, and not draw dagger stares from those in the league who like to toot my horn.

I blame myself for this situation.

Gotta be honest here Hawks, I really think I messed things up for myself, and I’m worried it’s beyond repair.

I have issues around women…especially those who…ok well; let me rather start at the beginning.
I’ll never forget that day some 2 and half years ago…we were both fairly new to the Justice League, and you were sent down from your planet for one of Batman’s dreaded debriefings (sometimes they come across as damn sales meetings). I was asked to sit in to see how it all works…and there I noticed you sitting next to Power Girl… you were wearing an animal print outfit and a yellow utility belt, that’s when everything became slow motion and I just melted.

Then you went back to Thanagar. And I was left to go on with my life…I didn’t think we’d ever work an assignment together.

The boys here at the Watchtower mocked me about my crush on you…but it was never an issue really…how could it be right? Id only seen you once.

Over the years we became interplanetary email buddies, you on Thanagar and me here on Earth.

Then I overheard Batman and the Man of Steel talking about how your powers would be a great asset here on Earth.

You and I both bonded over this news. I felt an excitement in me, (which can be embarrassing considering my limbs can stretch at will!)

The thought of seeing you every day and getting to know you on another level, man alive…the Gods were on my side for a change.

I remember the “seek and observe” assignment we were both given back in April, you remember when we thought Animal Man had switched sides and was working for the Injustice League??
Man the guy may have issues, but he’s on our side. And I know you had a thing with him back in the day…so I ended up being jealous, and couldn’t wait to expose him as a traitor. ( but deep down it was about making you happy that weekend)

When you finally got reassigned to Earth a few months ago, I was like a schoolboy again (see I previously had a thing for Catwoman, and while nothing happened, it was so draining, that I had become a bit cold to the *ahem* opposite sex).

We got along so well you and I.
Our private jokes about the other superheroes who thought their powers were better than ours…good times!

I knew something was changing however.
I tried to avoid it, nay stop it… I really did.
There was no denying it, and despite warnings (some out of concern, others out of jealousy), I began to fall for you.

I didn’t want that to happen, because hey, lets be honest here, Guys like me…they don’t get girls like you.

Last week of course we had our Super Villain seminar that The Flash put together in an attempt to get us all on the same page – Lord knows crime fighting has changed.

We spent so much time together, there was a definite awkwardness I could feel coming from you… I knew something was up. But then on Day 2 of the Super Villain seminar, all my fears were realized. When you were so close to me, and I looked into your eyes, I knew that was it for me.

That was the exact moment I fell in love with you.

When I watched the surveillance video of the seminar, I realized how absolutely perfect you were….and how flawed I was. Confidence plummeted. (yes despite you saying you can’t fit into your cape and tights some days, to me, I had never seen someone so beautiful).

Then earlier this week I heard you were going to see Animal Man again at the annual Superhero Convention…I panicked, what if he was setting you up…No…this couldn’t happen. You deserved better!

I tried to warn you against him and ended up coming across as a jealous A-hole. Then in a passing comment you said something which shattered me completely – you were seeing Aquaman.
The world stopped…I didn’t even notice the attack by Starro on the Australian Reef…I was numb.

Being the guy who is always funny and keeping others entertained comes with a price behind the scenes. There is no place for personal hurt.

Plus as you know Wonder Women was leaving the Justice League this week, and she’s one of my dearest friends. I felt like I was about to lose everything in the space of a few days. I began to swing emotionally.

I closed up….and I’m hurting so badly because of my own silly heart and I know it’s not because of you’re actiona, you’re just living your life , and I don’t begrudge you at all…Aquaman is an awesome guy, and if he makes you happy… I really am happy for you. I did have a feeling your mates Red Tornado & Red Tornado II were trying to set you up with someone…but I didn’t think it would be Aquaman!

Deep down I know all the nice moments we shared, the little things like the ice coffee while we checked out super villains personal files, the stealing of Martian Manhunter’s candy coated sweets when we had a craving, and the gifts we gave each other, they were all just done because you are a genuinely nice person.

I’d never had that sorta attention before… I mistook it as the “signs” Green Arrow always talks about which women supposedly give us guys.

Hawkgirl – these last few days we have hardly said a word to each other and it’s killed me. You don’t visit, you don’t look me in the eye, and you don’t email me random things like we ALWAYS do…

So I’m writing you this letter…I don’t even know if you will read it…

What I do know is you don’t know how to react to me, and I don’t know what else to do.

All I can say is that I will lock away my feelings for you, I just want to be your friend again, your happiness is so important to me, and I don’t want to be the cause of any sorta tension here at the Watchtower, Bats would have my ass if I missed another invasion.

If you read this…and you want to talk. Please message me. You know where to find me. If you don’t…I guess I’ll just go on hiding in the men’s locker room every time you come past.

I joke, I joke.
The fate of the known world depends on us.

Yours always
Plastic Man