Posts Tagged ‘rants’

State of The Burg Nation Address – Permanent Heartbreak & Zombies

October 10, 2012

A year ago I was sitting at home, unemployed, broke and no clue of what the future held for me. I was essentially happy. I knew I had a decent payout coming, a new job would find me, and I had high expectations that “next year would be different”.
So here we are….1 year later. What has changed?
The more I think about it, the more I get overwhelmed with a great sense of depression. It’s probably not the best time to analyse my life either, because I always get hugely depressed this time of year because of my birthday. And in two days time, when the day arrives, I’ll be forced to pretend I’m happy it’s my birthday, instead of having to explain to new friends and co-workers that I don’t celebrate it. So when questions and comments arise such as “what have you got planned” or “I hope you get spoilt” I will try and force a smile and come up with answers that don’t depress me even more.
Know me well enough, and know how I feel about the day.
I’ve been under tremendous stress lately, and really feel like it’s taking its toll. Health wise and mentally, its just overwhelmed me to the point where I feel my legs can’t even hold me up anymore.
The easy solution is I just need to take a holiday or go out with friends…


I’ve tried to avoid writing how woe is me, but I just don’t think there is any possible way to avoid it, and believe me, I don’t want to be THAT version of myself again.
A lot has changed over the last year, I know this to be true, and because I can see the difference I’ve made in my life, but the problem is, as I get older, I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the things that simply won’t change.
I gave the whole positive attitude thing a massive try. I made the effort with people, a big effort, but every disappointment I’ve had has resulted in a crushing punch to the ovaries. Which could possibly explain why I’m battling to even stand these days.
A friend and I chatted recently, and I call him a friend because of all the bullshiz we have gone through (and given each other), we still remain close. We spoke about the disappointment in people, and he pointed out that you literally can count the number of friends you really have one hand; the rest will always let you down.
What defines a genuine friendship though? We assign so much to that pedestal of friendship, that it becomes dangerous. Yes. Friendships are dangerous. I think this is why I try and avoid them.
However, over the last few weeks I seem to have fallen off the wagon and tried to believe in the romance of friendships…to my own detriment.
I’ve been accused of taking things too personally…which I do. Because friendship is the most personal thing there is. And if you can’t rely on the very basics of things like effort, commitment and honesty you, such as myself, will be in a permanent state of heartbreak.
And that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. I am in a permanent state of heartbreak. Probably for the last 30 years.
I recently reached out to a bunch of people I considered friends. I wanted to spend time with them, because I like them, and really needed to be around them to feel good about myself.
Scenario A, was friend I had messaged for years saying lets catchup, let’s get together, etc etc.. and she agreed that we absolutely would! She had recently returned from overseas and asked for me number saying we can finally meet up again. I let myself get excited about this prospect, and eagerly sent my details saying she must send me hers. About a month after that she finally did. Then we proceeded to organize a date and time. A Friday, lunch time.
As it got closer, I got more nervous, because people ALWAYS cancel on me…and normally just before the time. So about an hour before she messaged me saying she was running late but would be there about an hour after our original time.
That time arrived and she messaged me again could we do it in the evening rather.
I replied sure.
Then another message saying can we rather do it over the weekend, or the week after.
I replied sure…whenever you can fit me into your schedule.
She replied “Thanks! I’ll message you next week!”
That was three weeks ago. Nothing since.
The second scenario, just days afterwards, was another friend I had managed to track down who I hadn’t seen in over a year. We agreed on a dinner date for Wednesday last week.
On the Tuesday night I messaged her asking if we were all good for dinner the night after, she replied saying she was so sorry, she forgot and said we would have to move it to later in the week, but she would get hold of me to confirm. I still haven’t heard from her.
There are others… new friends, who I’ve tried opening up with, letting them into my life, becoming their confident, showing them that there is a better way of life in terms of happiness and love, only of course till they seem to get bored of me, and my romantic notion of how life should be, then going back to the crud that they think is happiness. I just don’t get it, and then people tell me that I will make someone very happy, or any girl would be lucky to have me…prove it.
These are not random events. This is how it ALWAYS is. Always. It’s impossible not to get heartbroken over these moments. They seem to shrug it off so easily, and to me it feels like I have no right to complain over petty little cancellations.


(I know there are those that will immediately say I never take them up on the offers to do something, or never asked them out etc, but lets be honest here, if I enjoyed your company THAT much, we would of already done something, so get over it, and get back to reading.)
I’m a good guy, I’m good company. I surely deserve better? I deserve chances…And screw all that “well if you think it’s going to go bad, it will go bad”…That is such a cop out answer, because what about when you think good? and you still get burned…
Sorry, that was a bit of a vent wasn’t it? Well…I feel better that its out, but my heart doesn’t.
Ah the heart…tell me, why do I even have this useless item in my body? And yes, I know it provides the basic function of living. But then…what if you are not living? I certainly don’t feel alive.
In fact, the only time I felt alive recently was that one week I spent it Cape Town. Because I actually felt like my heart did have a function. It’s possible I left it there though.
You know that girl I fell for? Well. What do I even say about that? I thought at least all the distractions and distance would help me not think about her as much. But the more we don’t chat, the more I fall for her. The more I don’t see her, the clearer I can see her. As I told someone yesterday…there is nobody else for me to push away while I focus on her…there are no dates…there is nothing physical…there is nothing…except what we both know. That there is “something” there and it hurts so much knowing we are not allowed to even try.

So every year, as my birthday approaches, I cannot think of anything other than how I’m getting older, lonelier and despite my best efforts, I may not get that chance at happiness and love. Despite everyone’s cliched pieces of advice, these are the facts. This is the reality.

I sit here in life’s limbo. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Functioning purely on some sort of Zombie instinct. The punches keep on coming, and the Universe is constantly beating the cr@p out of me, but I’m not staying down…and we all know, there is only one true way to kill zombie.


When Did The World Become So Mean?

June 29, 2011

Anyone who’s never met me before would be mistaken for thinking I’m cold and uncaring towards the world.

It’s easy to understand why too. I rant and I rave on this blog and my social networks. I speak the truth (as I see it), and tend to not let anything that irritates me slide.

However, that is pretty much as far from the truth as you can get. I happen to care a great deal, about everything.

Therein lay the problem. I continued to put my faith into the world and the people in it and time and time again it let’s me down which makes me sadder and sadder.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a whiner. I just don’t have a problem vocalizing my hurt and frustrations…which has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit.

My question though, is when did the world become so mean?

Many weeks ago we had everyone stressing/mocking the event known as The Rapture. Whilst everyone had their own take on it, at the time I thought to myself – self…even though it’s complete and utter nonsense, I’d have actually be ok with the world ending (being cleansed).

I’m one of those guys who walk around looking at the world without blinkers on, which has major pitfalls of noticing the smallest of details.

Every day is filled with its share of disappointments sure, but was it always THIS bad? Perhaps. However, in my eyes I’ve noticed it getting worse and worse.

It’s the little things that hurt me the most.

People who making fleeting promises.
People who insult or bully others on a daily basis.
People who find it easier to swear or degrade others.
People who don’t admit their mistakes or take accountability for their actions.
People who lie, cheat, steal and laugh it off as a way of life.
People who immediately begin work on jokes and puns when someone dies.

I can tell when people are lying to me, and it hurts that they believe so much in their lies that they think they are convincing you.

There is so little honour left in the world. People’s word means nothing anymore. Yes, I was born in the wrong era, I’m well aware of that.

If you just sit back and watch the world around you, take note of how many acts of meanness you see. You’d be shocked. I know I am.

Anyways…this is just a random thought I’m having at the moment, but then again I think I might have tick bite fever again…I’ll come back to this blog when i have more coherent thoughts on the subject.

Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 3: Surviving Love & Life

February 28, 2011

Welcome to the third and final partof The Essential Collection. This selection of blogs recollects the blogs that shocked so many people. From skeletons in my closet to details of the tragedies i have faced (and avoiding several of my own from suicide to being hijacked). These all took so much out of me, and opened myself up to a LOT of criticism. However, it also provided a lot of people with solace in their own lives. From dealing with abuse, or feelings of inadequacy, or even surviving a tragedy of their own, there were so many of you who contact me to thank me for being “brave” enough to write the words i did, and for that I will always continue to be honest in my words.

Part 3.1: Surviving Love

My 100th Blog post: XoXoXo – My Feelings on Hugs & Kisses
My 100th blog turned into something a bit heavier than I was planning on. My feelings on getting physical.

“Hey didn’t I see you out with a hot girl last night…?”
Yes you did. I still like her, but we haven’t seen each other since this day

The Dating Dilemma – An Anatomy of My Love Life
An expose into my current love life situation. It’s explosive…if somewhat embarrassing.

Back then we called it Charming. Today they call it Stalking
I’ve always been able to find out everyone about someone I knew nothing about…now it just seems a tad creepy.

I Fell in Like Last Week…
Pretty self explanatory right?

Burg’s Laws of Attraction – A Tale of Sex and Romance
Exactly what kind of girl gets my attention? Who am I most likely to pick out of a crowd? The answers may surprise you.

The Trouble With Love

Yeah, I’ve been in love. A few times in my life. This is one such time, and as usual…I was love’s beeyatch.

The Contenders – Take A little piece of my heart now baby…
I love the feeling of having a crush on someone…sometimes a few people at a time. This was a list of the 15 women I was crushing on a few months ago. As of today only 4 remain of that list (with a few new ones of course) The Columnist, The Newbie, The Girl and The Muse.

I Just Landed in NYC!!! A Look at Love, Sex, and Friendly Relations
Without a male influence in my life, my view on love and sex is somewhat…skewed.

The Guy with The Awesome Personality
OF course guys have body issues. I swim in a t-shirt for a reason. This is the blog guys don’t want you to read.

Dude, babe at 9 o’clock giving you the eye…
My original thoughts on signals girls give off…they clearly haven’t change much over the years.

The Little Green Guy (no not mini Hulk)
I’m a walking contradiction when it comes to love and friendships. This could be due to my bipolar disorder I’m sure….

Part 3.2: Surviving Life

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry….

A terrible year in my life started off with a mugging…

Rich Burg, Poor Burg: A story about Money

The Riches to rags, to riches story of ….me.

How to leave a job – The Burg way…(Part 1) How To Leave A Job – The Burg Way (Part 2)
A classic two part blog covering almost 13 years of my life and the jobs I loved and left. A favourite amongst former colleagues.

What Would The Neighbors Think? (Part 1)

A deeply draining blog that reveals only a portion of the things that have happened in the house of Burg. I will come back to part 2 eventually.

High School Confidential: Part 1 – NEVER FAIL!
For the first time I revealed the pain and darkness I had to deal with while trying to survive school. Including the details behind my own brother’s suicide.

High School Confidential: Part 2 – When It Rains, It Pours
Part 2 of the hardest blog I ever had to write. The secrets continue to be revealed.

Hey, remember that time I tried to end it?
Yup. Another suicide story. This time I think we got the answers we wanted.

The One With All The Birthdays (Part 1) The One With All The Birthdays (Part 2)
Finally everyone understands why I hate my own birthday. A selection of the worst birthday’s I’ve had to endure.

A Normal Day in South Africa..
The day I got hijacked and lost the last remaining iota of love and respect I had for this country I’m stuck in. I have not been the same since.

So that’s it…after 100 blogs, I’ve picked out the best of the best. Did I leave of anything you would of liked to have seen here? My book will expand on so many of these topics, and fill in a lot of blanks i have deliberately left out in some stories. I hope you will continue to support my work, because I really do believe these are the blog that helped me define who I am as a writer, and for the first time…I’m excited and confident that this is what I am meant to do with my life.

Burgsworld: The Essential Collection – Part 1: Rants & Opinions

February 23, 2011

My original plan for my 100th blog was going to be a retrospect of my 10 favourite blogs over the last two years.

That failed to happen for a number of reasons, mainly that I couldn’t choose between so many important blogs, but the idea sorta evolved, and whilst I’m working on the draft for my book, I realized that my blogs could easily be used to tell my “story”.

What I’d like to share you now is a retrospective of what I’ve written, how the blogs came about, what the aftershocks were and a few other fun facts.

They are not in any sort of chronological order, but will be something that will benefit new readers to my blog who don’t know where to start, as well as those who maybe missed something, or would like to revisit a blog they last read ages ago.

This will be a three part retrospective piece broken into different “categories” for lack of a better term

I proudly present to you – Burgsworld: The Essential Collection.

Part 1: Rants & Opinions columns

You know what I Hate? (The 3rd in a series)

I’ve always had a phobia about public toilets, and a severe case of “stage fright”, combined it made a perfect entry into my You Know What I Hate Series.

You know what I hate…(the 2nd in a series)

Driving on our roads is dangerous enough, but through in our street vendors and you have a new entry into this series.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that…
Am I gay? Or just a nice guy? Throw in a strip club story and I’ll tell you…

Did I ever tell you about…
Ever heard the same story one too many times? I have…

Me & My Mug – A Love Story
The blog that made me a global phenomenon, got featured on the WordPress homepage, and turning me into the third fastest growing blog on WordPress, Ladies and Gentlemen – the blog you want to be turned into a movie.

Movies Ruined My View On Life
I hate movies, but only because I love them.

10 Reasons I Hate Going to The Movie Theatre-Slash-Cinema
There are many reasons I avoid going to the cinema, but you only need to know 10.

Alexander Graham Bell Ruined My Life

I hate the telephone, and now you know why.

Five Rules To Surviving An Office Kitchen
Another one of those blogs that everyone can related to. Yet nobody seems to do anything about.

5 Reasons I hate South Africa & South Africans
This is the blog that almost turned me off writing forever. In fact no blog has stirred up as much emotion, hatred and debate as much as this piece, which is ironic as I still haven’t actually finished it. The comments continue on a daily basis.

So that’s Part 1, What do you all think? Any favourites? Any blog you feel should be revisted or expanded upon?

How To Leave A Job – The Burg Way (Part 2)

February 17, 2011

When we last left our hero, he was wallowing in unemployment for around 8 months in 2004. The odd job here and there, (working as extras on well known TV shows and adverts) but nothing permanent and certainly nothing that brought in nearly enough money to survive. Remember the stale ice cream cones for dinner period? Well, the journey was certainly epic, but a change of career was on the horizon.

After getting booted out of a career in IT, I took this time to really go for what I wanted, I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to be in media and most certainly I wanted The Burg to truly become a brand.

I lost a lot of friends during this period as my resistance to starting from the bottom working in a call centre ever again was met with criticism and anger.

I begged, borrowed and sold to survive, repercussion of which I still feel today.

During mid 2004 I worked on a reality show and met some important people who helped me show my worth. It was a contract job that allowed me to be a writer for a website. (In my interview, when asked how much I was looking for, I replied “I would even work for a bucket of chicken”…this got me the job). For 3 months I lived the dream, I was writing, I got “The Burg” attention, I developed a character – who was pretty much an extension of myself, I got massive exposure, I was on TV and eventually when the 3 months was up I had succeeded in making a name for myself.

I was offered a role as a weekly TV show presenter for text to TV chat show, which I embraced, and despite what may come out later in this blog – will always truly be thankful and appreciative for the gentleman who gave me this opportunity and effective stated the ball rolling on “The Burg” that you all know and love today. (or love to hate).

Come the close of 2004 I was desperate for more permanent work. Things at home were at there worst, I had debtors knocking on my door, even cars parked outside my house waiting to serve me with summons for accounts. I had to do something.

I made the heartbreaking decision to give up the dream and go back to IT.

Another Call centre…I forget the name anyways -> Beat Magazine (Circa 2005)


An old friend of mind (who put up with a lot of miserable crappola from me), organized an interview for me with the company that was essentially the evolution of my first job at Micon. I got the job. Duh. Even being way over qualified, I started at the bottom and committed myself to the job, even though my heart was never, and would never, be in it.

A few weeks later I got the break I had been looking for, a position with Beat magazine, SA’s newest entertainment gossip magazine had opened up. I organized an interview for late in the day so I could shoot through after my call centre job and interview for it. The interview went OK, and for once my nerves and desperation probably got the better of me.

A few days later I got the call from Beat magazine. I didn’t get the position I applied for. I was crushed. For a few seconds at least, because during the conversation I was offered another role – that of a TV writer for the magazine. DREAM JOB ALERT! I accepted without hesitation, and the only problem was they wanted me to start the next day. Uh oh…tricky.

The next day I explained what had happened to my old friend and boss, and thanked him for what he did for me and explained this was what I had been working for my whole life. I knew he understood, but was disappointed that I had let him down after he went to bat for me. The company insisted that I work my 30 days notice first…and being a 24 hour call centre I cleverly organized to work grave yard shift. So basically I worked grave yard shift, raced home at about 7am, freshened up and went to my new job at Beat Magazine. Put in a full day of learning, when home, freshened up, and then went to my evening job at the call centre.

On top of this, I was still hosting a TV show twice a week, which thankfully both jobs allowed me to do. (of course neither job knew I was working for the other)

This lasted for a few weeks before they eventually allowed (read: asked) me to leave. Of course at this point I was a zombie, but living the dream.

Beat -> Always Look Up/ N-Net (Circa 2006)

Officially starting in February of 2005 I spent a wonderful year at Beat magazine, and it was by far the best year of my life. Despite increasing personal issues and playing catch up financially, I gave EVERYTHING to the job. I was happy career wise. I met so many people, made so many contacts and met the people who would shape my life.

After that year however, the reality that I needed more money played on my mind heavily.

Eventually my bosses from the TV show made me an offer to come on board permanently, and while the financial offer they made me was never great, it was enough not want to turn down (plus it was more than that bucket of chicken I never got). Plus I always felt I owed them for giving me my start. I had clashed with one of the bosses fairly often during my time on the reality show and the TV show, and I always worried that this would be magnified if I worked permanently with him.

I explained this to my boss at Beat magazine and said I didn’t want to leave, but I just couldn’t say no to the money. To their credit Beat magazine tried to put together a counter offer, which simply wasn’t enough. With tears flowing I turned it down and handed in my resignation…

It broke my heart to leave Beat, and its one the biggest regrets I have in my life, but it was a necessary action to get me where I am today.

My farewell email is considered EPIC, and is completely honest and heartfelt.. I’d like to share it with you, if I may. (excuse the horrendous spelling and grammar…i was young)

Always Look Up/ N-net-> Pony Music Circa (2006…also)

I joined the company on a full time basis in March of 2006.

The first few days were great! I was treated with respect; I had a nice reputation with my coworkers because of “The Burg” and all he had accomplished. But soon enough things changed.

What followed was the worst 6 months of my life.

Essentially I had three bosses.

One who truly believed in me and the potential of The Burg as a character, and I would work for/with him again in a heartbeat.

One who had all my respect and while firm with me, allowed me many opportunities.

The third, became the man I clashed with on a near daily basis. Perhaps some justified, and some just purely ridiculous.

Once I wore track pants to work. I got pulled aside and told I was being disrespectful and hadn’t earned the right to wear track suit pants to work and to never do it again.

Another time I got up to got to the vending machine…my boss ran after me and told me that can’t I see everyone else is plugging away working hard and I should do the same.

A third time, after a miscommunication in an email I was dragged out into the courtyard and humiliated, sworn at and lambasted. I later got an apology. But by then I was seen as the rebel. The one guy who stood up to the powers that be. I never did this deliberately, it just sorta came with “being me”

I was eventually suspended from my TV show due to a few mistakes of letting certain messages deemed “inappropriate” on air. Of course this was likely just a way of working me off air. It was ok though, while I loved what I did I at peace that I had done all I could with the show, and was happy for someone else to get the chance.

When I was given creative freedom, I shined, but ultimately I was held on a leash and used as example for anyone who tried to be an individual – which I was and always will be.

After handing in my resignation (for a second time in six months), I was told that I would never make it out there without them.

On a side note, during my time with Beat magazine, I had made friends with a famous local idols judge who worked for a music company. At the end of one of the Idols competitions, I wrote him a letter saying “I will work for you one day”. During my time at Never Look Up, he contacted me and said there was something opening up he thought I would be perfect for, nothing however had been finalized until two weeks into my resignation period, so I took a massive chance by quitting my job after only 6 months.

My resignation was kept quiet for a while, and eventually I was told they needed the space and I was welcome to work my last month from home.

The funniest/saddest story out of all this, and I’m sure this may upset a lot of people for revealing this, but on my last Friday there, me and a few of my close allies wondered if there would be farewell drinks for me. Well, thanks to some ingenious trickery and computer hacking, we were able to find out more than we should of. There were indeed drinks for me, except I wasn’t invited. The email was sent to a few key people who would be meeting up after work, I just happened to have been excluded on that list. A final slap in the face after 6 months of regret.

So after being told that I would never make it out there without them, the very next day after being told I could work from home…I started at Pony Music.

The Here and Now (Circa 2011)

I have now been here for 5 years, and will NEVER leave for another local company.
My time here has saved my life, its allowed me to fix my personal problems, recover from my financial woes, and even given me the freedom to film a few movies on the side. I found a home within Pony Music.

The day I leave here will be for overseas. Which you all know is what I’m pushing for big time now, and I do very much see this as my final here.

But this decade plus long journey has had its ups and downs, its bad decisions and good.
I have made and lost many friends.

In the end however…this is all the journey to where i am meant to be…

How To Leave a Job – The Burg way…(Part 1)

February 16, 2011

I’ve had many…many…MANY jobs in my years…about 11 or so, and I’ve been “lucky” enough to experience most every sort of leaving situation you can get in the work place.

I’ve quit.
I’ve been retrenched
I’ve been fired
(I’ve been suspended)
And I’ve been poached by other companies.

Leaving a job, is a real moment of truth.
Everything you’ve done over the years for the company is forgotten as it comes down to those last few days you spend there, and ultimately, how you leave.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna do what you all think I’m gonna do, which is, you know, FLIP OUT!

Suffice to say…I’ve left some jobs just as dramatically as I entered them.

If I may, I’d like to share a few stories with you. So gather around with your hot chocolate (yes, in this heat), and pull the kids closer…close enough to hug when they get scared, and of course remember, I’m the hero…so nothing bad will happen to me…in the end.

Of course, in the interest of avoiding law suits and angry stripper-grams, I’ve change the names of my former employers to protect the innocent.

Micon -> Mintekom/Melkom Internet (circa 2000)

Working at Micon Internet was my first job in the real world, and what an experience it was. From faking my way through the job interview (which was to become not just a trend, but a bona fide skill), I worked my way up the ranks of the call centre fairly quickly, even picking up two employee of the month titles during my near 2 year stay here. Everything was going swimmingly until it was announced that out division had been acquired by another company and we were going to be moving to their new offices later on where there was a different protocol there. In other words, I was not going to be allowed to wear my man-jewelry and off beat clothing. Almost instantly alarms bells went off in my head. After making sure this wasn’t a tumor, I realized that it was indeed time to seek my riches elsewhere. After all, I was the kind of guy who would step out at lunch time and come back with a brand new eyebrow ring…and blood streaming down the side of my face. My manager was kind enough to clean me up. I had a little crush on her.

A colleague, who had left shortly before me and recommended that I join him at his current employer where you could “smoke at your desk!”, being a non smoker this meant nothing to me. But I set up an interview anyways. Of course I got the job. Duh. Shortly afterwards I handed in my resignation at Micon.

The day I did that though, I was seen at the traitor, the black sheep…I sold out dammit…I was giving up a long term future to go where I could inhale secondary smoke 8 hours a day! I was excluded from many things during the preparation for the buyout, and was eventually allowed to leave before my notice period was up. I supposed this ensured them that I didn’t steal any company secrets for the competition.

So I left with neither a whimper nor a bang…but I did take a colleague with me. Remember that Maul? (yes his name was changed too)

Mintekom/Melkom Internet-> Nicrosoft Support Desk (Circa 2002)

We started at Mintekom/Melkom internet in the Summer of 2002, and it was the summer we would always remember….gosh, sorry, wrong story.

My friend Maul and I started at this new helpdesk eager to please and prove our worth. However within our first few days, we had the feeling of “we’ve made a huge mistake”, in fact, during our first few weeks we accidentally sent out a email to conversation the entire company about how much we hated it there. BIG mistake…although I still think it was sabotage!

A warning later and we knuckled down and made a pretty decent career for ourselves there.

Maul moved into the system admin side of things and I after being screwed over for a team leader position, got a nifty little position of “trainer” created for me. It was an AWESOME position; and I got to train staff – which if you’ve ever been in a training session with me…is fun and educational. I loved the job, I really did. Of course this meant something was going to go wrong.

Once again our division was bought out. Retrenchments were looming and I was one of the first one the chopping block. There was no avoiding it. The management not wanting to lose me, hired me back as a normal call centre agent. This sucked beyond compare, and soon the feet were itching….

I had been chatting to a friend on ICQ during my time at Mintekom, and in-between flirting with her –and 50 other contacts, I had mentioned my job situation. (ICQ is an old chat program in case the kids have stopped you to ask what this is)

She contacted me a few weeks later and said the Nicrosoft helpdesk was looking to hire a new agent. I thought wow…Nicrosoft…that’s the big leagues! A fluffed up CV, and a “sick day” later, I was in the interview room, where I once again chaaaaaarmed my interviewer. I got the job. Duh!

Nicrosoft Support Desk -> Umemployment (Circa 2004)


I handed in my notice at Mintekom and waited out my time. I turned my last day into a game of Survivor, and forced everyone to vote me out the office. Of course everyone was seemingly busy, and didn’t have time to play my silly games. But at least I would see that at my after work farewell drinks. Come one come all!!….come anyone? I think the turnout was about 3 people, one of which was a new guy I didn’t even know. My boss who was one of my better friends in life at the time didn’t turn up. A few weeks later though he did get hold of me and apologize for the way he acted and invited me to lunch. I think I had the beef.

My first day at Nicrosft was memorable. Ask anyone what I wore and they would probably tell you. I had my long black coat, piercings and a killer smile. Soon thereafter I was asked to stop wearing my earings. F#*!.

This was to be a sign of times ahead. Right off the bat, let me say the first person I sat with on my first day is someone who I to this day consider my best friend, so it wasn’t all bad.

As time went on, the usual changes came and went, we moved buildings (more times than I can remember), our holding company changed (more times than I can remember), and my manager changed – just the once was enough to shape the rest of my destiny.

I faked knowing what I was doing for over 2 years, a record for me, and even managing to pick up the “best team” award for our service and stats….i still have trophy hah!

As some of you have come to realize I speak my mind. I speak up against oppression and I tell the truth. Some managers, read manager, didn’t like this. A few months of back and forth arguing and complaints between the two of us eventually led to showdown!

Of course, this was on his turf, and I got screwed over like no man in the history of screwing has ever been screwed before.

In a disciplinary hearing I was fired, told to leave immediately, by the time I got back to my desk, I was locked out my pc and couldn’t even send out a goodbye email. Which for the record I am king of. I write goodbye emails like no man in the history of goodbye emails will ever be able to do.

This however backfired on them. Because the worst was yet to come. I took some time, collected my thoughts, and proceeded to write the biggest expose on the people I despised and who had stabbed me in the back, and proceeded to “send to all” the next day. Of course they tried to open a case against me, but I had changed all names and places so there was nothing the could do, but cringe from embarrassment.

Let it be know, I don’t just burn bridges. I burn the bridges, the entire village, the neighboring town, and uncle’s joe’s farm in the next state.

The article was called was “and i don’t agree with that in the workplace”, and it was legendary. Ask around.

That led to my extended period of unemployment…
Much more to come…including the greatest farewell email of all time written by me)

5 Reasons I hate South Africa & South Africans

December 2, 2009

I initially wrote a quick blog about the many irritations I deal with on a daily basis by simply being a South African living in my “home country”.

As I continued to add more and more content, I found the blog turning out to be something of a labour of love/hate.

I didn’t want to just spew out a few luda-WHAT statements about my annoyances that would garner a knee jerk reaction by those who are proudly South African, an oxymoron in itself I’m sure, but I actually wanted to give factual (if not totally opinionated) examples of day to day living.

This has led me to delay the posting of this blog until I was completely satisfied with it. As each day came and went I felt the need grow to make this blog post something special to me.

I am not a proud South African. I have given my blood sweat and tears to this country, and i have been rewarded with crime, loss, dehumanization and so many more factor which I will address.

Below are the top 5 factors that lead to my absolute hate of the country and its people. In each case, I have no doubt there will be exceptions to my thoughts, but I also don’t care, I’m far too judgmental to be bothered to separate people, so I’ll rather just lump everyone together under one banner and label you all.

So, if you are offended easily then a) stop reading right here b)grow a pair and accept that you are part of the problem c) help contribute to my NYC fund and help get rid of someone who is constantly negative about the country.

You will see many references to words such as “accountability” and “responsibility”, which is expected, since it’s the common thread in this post, and quite possible a reason on its own.

Still here? Ok…well then….let’s begin.

5) The non existence of service delivery

I’ve previously blogged about quality control on products in SA , but my hatred for this runs so much deeper than a simple typo on a DVD cover or incorrect packaging. There is a distinct lack of accountability on products and service & support in this country.

If you’ve ever gone to a customer service section of a chain store, such as a Game, or Pick n Pay or Hyperama, you will immediately have a distinct memory of a frustration (or in fact a belittling attitude) you have had to deal with.

Firstly getting acknowledged by the employee on the other side of the counter is an effort. A simple hello, or smile really does not cost a thing (much like J-lo’s love), and goes a long way to setting the tone for the rest of the complaint/query.

I’m the first one to understand that I am just one of hundreds of customers dealt with on a weekly basis, but quite honestly I don’t give a damn. If you are working in a customer services division, you have a job to do. Love it or Leave it. You should treat each and every customer with personal attention. It’s a simple code your store should live by.

As an English speaking person, I also expect all communications about me or regarding my query to be relayed in English. Side conversations to a supervisor or section manger in an African language I don’t speak are not only disrespectful to me as a client, but also result in a broken telephone translation of what I am actually asking assistance on. – This results in further frustration.

This apathy to doing a job starts at petrol pump attendant level and goes right to the top to government.

Have you ever called a customer service helpline? Has the person on the other end ever actually understood what you are asking?

Trust me, Ive been on the other side too, it takes a certain kind of person to offer support. I did it for 8 years, and I was damn good at it, even though I hated it.

In this day and age, how can so many people be so ungrateful that they have a job to the extent where they couldn’t be bothered if they do it properly?

The country has promised so much job creation to its people, I just never realized that they pick jobs out of hat for each person.

What ever happened to the right person for the right job approach?
What about municipal governments contribution? how many time have you not have water? electricity? not had your garbage collection? This is a weekly concern. I pay rates and taxes on time, and the exact amounts im billed for (well…there was that one time…for a few months)…I dont ask for much…just to be treated like a human being by my own government. we don’t get explanations as to why these things occur…if we lucky, someone catches them out on a lie, THEN we get some sort of explanation.

Next week I’m going to try being a doctor. Hey at least it’s a job….

4) The Youth

You’ve heard your parents say it in some variation or another “kids today!”…well I’m sorry to say …they are right.

The youth of today is nothing short of embarrassing. Perhaps this is more personal one since I lost my childhood through circumstance and never got to experience the “youth gone wild”…But even kids of my age where never this bad.

Now, I understand each generation has their catch phrases and habits…but have you ever had a conversation with anyone below the age of 16? I have… many times (bless those internet chat rooms….I joke I joke). It’s almost impossible to actually have an English conversation with them. Seriously, it’s like trying to decipher the Da Vinci code.

They can’t even be bothered to spell correctly anymore. They abbreviate the word “the”!!!!…these are habits that wont get broken. When students inevitably get to write exams via cellphones, I’m sure we will get the following:
Question: What brought on the downfall of Obama’s presidency?
Answer: Pd. Obama, s0ught 2 rule 2 much. Causing cuntries 2 ask “WYD”.

Ok ok, see I can’t do it LOL.

I’m sure this is something that a global problem, especially with things like the internet and mobile phones around to influence them, but my point is there is a distinct dumbing down of the youth, and what’s worse is there is an increase apathy about being a good decent person.

We see kids go to school and kill their schoolmate with knives, guns, samurai swords.
We see kids accused of rape.
We see kids torturing animals.
All on the increase. With no remorse.
And we see these things, because the youth are thoughtful enough to record it on their camera phones and send to us via Bluetooth.

Kids are more interested in going to a friends house when the parents are away and indulging in alcohol, smoking and irresponsible sex. Then of course tagging each other on Facebook.

Didn’t there used to be rules in society that protected families from these sort of influences?

I happen to have the TV on often, and can’t help but watch the train wreck that is Youth TV. South African kids presenters are a ridiculous showcase for the “cool and hip”
White guys try to be gangsta black
Black guys try to be American black.
Girls well…girls will be girls.

The South African youth has lost their identity. They follow US trends and try to duplicate them – to embarrassing proportions. Are you not diverse enough as it is? Can you not find some common ground to be something that is a true representation of South Africa?

We have an ANC “youth leader” that is nothing short of a moron. He is preaching idiotic ways and means that to an easily influenced youth will hold water. So where is the hope for our future? Probably passed out drunk.

Strange that I’m attracted to 17 yr old school girls then? Naaaa…as says…”that’s what I love about these schoolgirls man. I get older…they stay they same age”…”yes they do….”

3) LifeStyles of the Rich and The Famous

That little speech about kids presenters reminds me of a joke I once heard…

A former Miss South Africa, A cricket player, A radio DJ and a Soapie star walk into a room, the next day, a headline reads “The biggest celebrity of the Event”.

Hahaha LOVE that joke…ok sure I just made it up right now, and its not really a joke, it’s a way of thinking here.

You know, its sad that a celebrity starved culture such as South Africa is so eager for someone to put on a pedestal that we don’t acknowledge those hard working actors and musicians that slave away at gigs, auditions and small roles, but instead we will rather show heaps of praise onto our radio DJs, soapie stars, beauty queens and sports stars who just happen to attend the opening of an envelope.

They simply have a good agent who gets them invited to a movie premiere (which is generally attended by Joe Average too).

We try label them as SA’s Posh & Becks or SA’s JayZ & Beyonce…

Our papers, magazines, entertainment shows shove the same faces down our throat and try make us believe they are celebrities. What’s perhaps worse is these individuals try and ACT like celebs too.

Newsflash. You are NOTHING more than a personality who has a fun interesting job. (until you get fired for a) speaking your mind or b) getting too old)

Then as if that weren’t enough, we had a reality show host that ends up host every show on TV, MCing every corporate function in town and trying to release her own single.

Give me a breeeeeeaaaaak.

Then we have to two kinds of celebrity followers. Those who are friends with personalities and try parading their friendships across all means of communications, Twitter, Facebook etc….you can keep your conversations private…why must we all see that you are going out that night to a club? Is it a public announcement? Are we to be impressed? Oooh look they’ve got a pic with themselves with a celeb, man I wish I had the same pic 1 million other fans had.

I’ve worked for a celebrity gossip magazine, so I know how these things work.

Type number 2 is they pseudo celeb. He’s the guy who was featured in a segment on a TV show, or had her name or face in the paper. They of course also try shameless promotion to try convince the rest of us that they are famous. My friends, you have hit the big time!

By the way, my big movie SlamBang comes out on DVD next week…Order yours now here.

You know what’s my favourite thing about SA celebs? When they “fall from grace”
Wow…someone did something wrong…but thankfully we are there to cover it 24/7.
You know what? I just banged your wife and we did coke of a small child’s back while watching illegal DVDs…

*cricket noises*…

mmm… no paparazzi….

Top 2 reasons coming soon

You Wouldn’t Like Me When I’m Angry….

September 26, 2009

What a week.
Just another in a seemingly endless stream of events of a year I like to call the “Tragicomedy”.

Undoubtedly I will recap the events as a whole in an end of the year blog, but for right now I need to share the events of my week.
And since I’m watching Three’s Company season 6 right now, I’m in a great mood to write.

On VERY short notice, I’ve been invited to attend a conference in Amsterdam next week, (therefore needing to fly out by the 6th October)…. Which is all hugely exciting news, except for the fact that my passport expired six months ago – Murphy is clearly handling my travel arrangements.

So…it’s on that basis that I’ve been rushing around trying to organize a Passport (and visa once that’s sorted!)

On Monday, I headed out to the Home Affairs office in downtown Johannesburg, a busy and crime ridden part of the country…as opposed to say…Fourways or Sandton, where crime doesn’t exist.

After driving up and down the 1-way roads that dominated the streets of Jozi, I eventually found parking about six blocks away from the Home Affairs office. That only took 40 minutes. I walked the six blocks in constant fear that my car would be a) stolen b) broken into c) replaced with an exact replica of my car except equipped with a tracking device and hidden camera.

Now, I’ve never been one to be paranoid, but walking in the streets of Jozi, there is a certain panic that follows you, particularly if you are an asian of the cauc kind.

Eventually I got to Home Affairs, sweat already pouring down my arms, and tension building up.

The ground floor was an empty ghost town except for the queue of people waiting for the lift to take them to the appropriate level of irritation. Since I’m in my athletic prime, I decided to take the stairs to the 5th floor.

Off I went.

1st floor. Skipped a few steps and I pranced up the two sets of stairs.
2nd floor. After feeling the burn, I took one step at a time
3rd floor. Took each step two feet at a time.
Between 3rd and 4th floor. Took a break.
4th floor. Prayed for death.
5th floor. Is this an oasis I see before me?

Enter the hall of passports – where order is not on the menu.
I managed to make my way to the counter where I asked for a contact our company travel agent had recommended, who may be able to help me a bit more…speedily…as a favour of course.

Finally a large Afrikaans lady with the most irritated look on her made her way towards me. I thought it was slow motion, but her hair was not blowing, so clearly it was her…um…personality weighing her down.

In all of two seconds she said she can’t help me and I must go stand in line.
I asked if there was someone who took passport photos in the building. Quick answer was no. The long answer was I’d have to go outside the building to one of the dodgy freelance photographers that stalked citizens of the streets of Joburg.

This time I was smart and waiting a few minutes for the lift. And then joined the other four people who made up the “Not more that 12 people in the lift at a time”. The stench, the clearing of phlegm and screaming babies made me reminisce about that one time I went up the 5 flights of stairs.

Back on the street I was quickly offered the best price for photos and escorted into a dark corner building with the windows blacked out. After stripping off… all my jewelry, I took my photos and made my way back to Home Affairs.

Queue for smelly lift… or climb the Andes again.

1st floor. Only four more to go.
2nd floor. Light headed
3rd floor. Eyes began rolling back
Between 3rd and 4th floor. Took a break.
4th floor. Legs unable to maintain weight
5th floor. Loss of bladder control.

I made my way through the lengthy process of completing forms and such and was told I should have my passport in 10 days if i’m lucky. (“Define lucky” I thought…)

Two hours later I finally could make my way back to my car, and hopefully not the space where I would have to say “hey, i’m sure that’s where I parked it”.

One block up and tall thin black guy walk passed me and bumped into me…I ignored him and then he shouted that he was sorry, I turned to him and said don’t worry about . BIG MISTAKE.

He came up to me and started hugging me and said he’s so sorry and started holding me and blocking my arms, finally I was able to push him away.

I immediately looked down at my pockets and saw my brand new phone was gone.
When I looked up, he was nowhere to be seen.

I shouted out “where did he go!?!”

The lady walking up the road said to me, “He’s down there” and she pointed him out, 2 blocks behind me!

Then, my Adamantium claws came out and I rampaged after the guy, running across two busy roads without even checking traffic.

I caught up to him, and without even thinking I punched the guy on the side of the face, knocking him down, I demanded my phone, and he started laughing and said “I’m just joking” and handed back my phone. Then he got up and ran away.

The guys around me told me I should’ve killed him. Yes, I can’t really argue that logic. Now bare in mind, I’m the most non violent person you will ever meet. But wrong day…. wrong time mr. mugger. So ridiculously out of character for me

I reported the incident to the Metro Police a few blocks down, they just shrugged it out. Can’t blame them. This happens more often than it doesn’t.

On a total buzz I made my way back to my car – still there (although I haven’t been able to find the hidden camera).

As I relayed the story to everyone, I was commended for my actions, and the general feeling was that I was not a victim. In the meantime my hand began to swell, and I feared in broke my hand in my girlfight. (the hand has since recovered, thanks for your concern)

My whole assessment of the situation?
1) Its reason 1024 that I hate the country I am forced to live in.
2) I am indeed becoming a Wolverine of rage that is not going to take cr@p from anyone. This also scares me as I have ZERO tolerance anymore. The rage I have inside me came out in a good way…this time.
3) My “tensionergy” is at fever pitch right now, leading to several incidents over the last few days.

Shoo…its going to be a busy week.
Hopefully I get my passport and Visa sorted out, and I head out to see the Dykes.

Then its only a 2 weeks til my birthday. If you wanna see rage…test me on that day universe.

Now… how YOU doin’?