Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Texas Had It Wrong….I DO need a lover…

July 22, 2012

I have a recurring joke I like to make every so often. A comment so uncomfortably honest it makes people question whether it’s actually just me being awkwardly funny or deadly serious.

“I’m thinking about taking on a lover”

The more reserved of my friends/readers tend to take it humorously, and respond with a joke of their own, knowing that nobody would openly state they are looking for THAT. Others think I’m putting out feelers to see if any “lonely soul” bites…

To put everyone’s minds at rest…
I am ALWAYS looking for a lover. Always.

But why is that considered taboo? Or a shocking statement to make?
Am I not a single adult who craves companionship and affection? Surely I’m entitled to a sex life just as much as anyone else.

Over the last week or two, the conversation of sex has reared its head in a few varying conversations. How honest is too honest when talking about it? What are the pros and cons of a single lonely man paying for companionship and sex? Does sex ruin friendships if you want to have sex with a friend?

It’s often and easily misconstrued as a “typical guy after just one thing”, which makes me laugh a sad sorta laugh.

My sexually history has been written about before, yes, too much to some, but nonetheless, my sexual history in itself can be considered shocking. Most likely for the most opposite of reasons that one might think.

The truth is in the pudding.

I’m a near 34 year old man who has had sex a grand total of once in his life. And this came (excuse the pun), just before I turned 30.

Effectively, I waited 30 years for my first time (yes, I do count the ages between birth and 16yrs old), and now who knows how long I’ll have to wait for me second time.
I can’t say much about my first time, because quite honestly, I never knew what to expect, or anything to compare it against. It something that sorta just happened as a result of a hybrid between opportunity and negotiation.

The willing participant was an old school friend who was most likely stuck in a rut with where she was in her life. We ended up doing it in my office at a previous job in the afternoon. Yup, Office sex and afternoon delight. Doesn’t get much better than that right? (Now of course if you’re smart enough and do the math, you’ll know exactly when and where this took place, and probably give the person who took over my office after me cold shivers right about now….but don’t worry, we exchanged desks too).

The act itself was more of a learning experience for me I guess. I can’t say I did it for the right reasons or it’s something I always wanted from the person. It was just something that was. I don’t think either of us regrets it, and it was a nice memory. That’s all it seems now. A memory.

I’m not exactly living a life where the chance for sex comes along…in fact this was probably the only time, but I do know there have been numerous people I was attracted to sexually. Even now, there are those I would give anything to be with, who I just find so absolutely attractive that I go weak at the knees. Relationships aside, being around them or talking to them, gives me THAT feeling. That’s not a bad thing right? Nor should it be taboo.

In this day and age, if two adults (yes, from 18) are attracted to each other, why can they not just openly discuss the matter, do the deed, and create a moment that adds value to their life. The most basic emotion we deserve to feel is love, physically or emotionally.

Should sex only be a result of a long term relationship? Or should it be the basis of keeping a relationship together, but the what if you are the kind of person who will never be fortunate enough to be in a relationship (yes, the truth is not everyone gets that luxury).

The question is why can I not find a lover? I’m surely not wholly unattractive? Sure I could afford to drop a few pounds which would certainly help with my confidence…but is the thought of sober sex with me worse than having sex with Peter Griffin? (sure, I’d throw in more pop culture references)

Perhaps at the end of the day, I’m just a naïve lonely guy who looks for love in all the wrong places. But all I know is I’m so tired of watching porn….plus these iPads are so hard hold…(that’s what she said.)


20 Things I Find Sexy

February 16, 2012

My last few blogs have been pretty darn serious, and thought now might be a good time to get back to the fun element of this blog.

It’s no secret it doesn’t take much to turn a guy on, and any guy who says otherwise is lying. However, we all have our favourite things we look out for, whether it be on a woman or guy. I don’t judge as we know. Maybe for some people it’s something someone does, or what they wear, heck it could even be something they say right?

Here’s my list of things that I find sexy, use it, don’t use it.

1. A pair of legs on a woman. DEAD SEXY. Of course I understand women can’t all have legs like Stacey Keibler, but I will always notice a legs on a woman first.

2. Dark Hair. On her head only of course….well, I can make exceptions.

3. Dark skin. Olive skinned woman or nicely toned Indian, South American women will forever be my weakness, of course this combined with the above Dark Hair = perfection.

4. Water. For some reason I find this the sexiest of all the elements. Taking a bath or shower with someone, getting caught in the rain, even a women drenched like a rat has a certain appeal. Anyone made love in water? I only know what I learned watching ShowGirls.

5. Tattoos on a woman. Kill me, kill me know. A bigger arm/shoulder tattoo is a bell ringer for me. Love that! Not so mad about tramp stamps and tribals though…so be warned, even I have boundries.

6. Athletic or sporty women are a big YES when it comes to sex appeal. As long as they are not the Serena Williams type, then I’m all for it. I like a girl who doesn’t play sports like a girly girl. And girl who supports my love of sports is a close second.

7. Pop Culture Geek. Love comics, movies, TV and such? well if you can hold a conversation about Zombies and know who the Green Arrow is, then its kismet.

8. Older women. Within reason.

9. Younger women. Within reason.

10. Girls who wear earphones. When someone walks past me or stands next to me in a lift wearing earphones, I can’t help but to watch them. Mouthing the words, or a slight reserved sway to the beat is sexy as hell.

11. Stripper Boots. Its a guy thing.

12. Bridges. Not sure where this came from, maybe its a movie thing, but walking on a bridge with a girl has such a peaceful element of sexy to it.

13. Holding hands. Especially on bridges. I find the simple act of holding hands sexy. The best way to test if there is electricity between two people.

14. Girl carrying coffee, like from a coffee place. Again, it could be a movie thing; it could be a New York thing, but it’s cetainly my thang.

15. School Uniform. Some people have the Princess Leia fantasy, or the nurse fantasy, but the uniform does it for me. You know what I love about school girls? I get older, they stay the same age. Yes they do, yes they do.

16. Class. Even to the point of being a snob. I find a classy woman the sexiest thing on earth. Cate Blanchett fits this mould nicely.

17. Accents. I think this is perhaps a more common one. Spanish/French/Italian/Australian/British all work for me. Even if it’s a fake one.

18. Shoulders. Like legs, a good pair of shoulder, and a woman who isn’t afraid to show them off is a sure thing.

19. Girls who wear t-shirts featuring rock bands from the 70s or 80s… and can actually name all the members in the band.

20. Other people’s wives.

What do you have on your list?

Denied – A Detailed History of (Almost) Scoring

December 30, 2011

Warning: This blog may contain elements of inappropriate behaviour and content of a sexual nature. Reader’s discretion is advised.

You know the drill by now, I’m a single guy, who complains how everyone always sees him as a friend and nobody ever gives him a chance.

This all remains true. However, this does not mean I don’t have a history of, how shall we say…indiscretions?

The truth is, most all of my encounters with the opposite sex have been a case of close but no cigar. Some experiences have gone further than others, some have been a figment of my overworking imagination (in other words I hope for something that wasn’t there), but in the end, they have resulted in a similar long term outcome, the person on the other side has seemingly moved on to “the one”, or “the ones” in some cases. More commonly known as the Good Luck Chuck Effect.

I do want to remind you of a few things before you pass judgement.

I have openly stated on many occasions that I don’t believe in marriage, but respect those who do. I believe adults make adult decisions, and each person should be willing to accept responsibility for their actions.

With that, I’d like to share a few stories with you. I’ve obviously changed the names of those who I’ve crossed paths with over the years to prevent from hurting anyone.

There is a chance this may turn out to be a multiple part blog, but I will try update as quickly are possible…


1) Story 8-1-25-12-5-25

It was the new millennium and I had just started a new job, young single and up for anything. Or so I kept telling myself. I had had plenty work crushes before, but none that ever when further than an instant chat flirting session. This new job was miserable for few reasons, but I did have an unexpected encounter with a colleague.

She was an outspoken girl but a real sweetheart, and I could never really tell how serious her flirting with me was, because she was the kind of girl who was always hugging other guys in the office. Those are always confusing to me, especially since I’m not a hugger.

Anyways, over the months our flirting progressed to the point where were almost daring the other just to see how serious the other was. She went on about how she liked me more than a friend, but because of the work thing she didn’t want to take it further. I was cool with that, but then a suggestion was made that maybe we just needed to try spending time together away from the office.

We both lived far apart and our only common place seemed to be work, so that suggestion seems to fall away just as quickly. I innocently mentioned I lived 15 minutes away from the office, and we started joking about popping out for a lunchtime “quickie” just to satisfy our needs.

The joking soon turned into a negotiation… would people be suspicious if we went on lunch the same time? What could REALLY be done in a lunch break? Would it just be awkward afterwards?

These questions could only be answered one way.

We negotiated a day and time, nervously built up to that moment. With the day arrived we both came to work looking smart (why I don’t know, surely THAT would arise more suspicion?)

Eventually lunch time arrived! We set off in my car and made our way to my house, neither of us having a clue of what we actually expected or were prepared to do!

As we sat next to each other on the couch, like two teenagers we began awkwardly kissing and proceeded to fondle each other. Hey this was nice, but is this all we came here to do?

Then in a “what the heck” moment, she undid my pants and stuck her hand in my underwear. I kept thinking to myself “This sh!t just got real!”

I followed suit and slid off her top , and then her pants …then replicating what I’d seen in the movies, I proceeded to satisfy her orally. Clearly the movies I had learned this from were pornos. I seemingly did a pretty good job based on the moans and the look on her face…

She attempted to satisfy me in the same way, but didn’t quite get the job done (as good as it felt, I admittedly had one eye on the clock…I just didn’t realize which one eye).

Somewhat embarrassingly with both noted we better get back to the office, so we quickly got dressed, and hopped back into the car and drive back.

When we got back to the office, a somewhat suspicious boss asked us how was lunch…I instinctively said I had the chicken.

A few awkward days passed and we didn’t talk much about it, then at the end of that week she gave me a letter and said please read it at home.

The letter was in an envelope and written on the envelope were the words “The Friend”, and yup that’s exactly what the letter was about. She preferred to remain friends. I remember reading that letter in traffic and almost rear-ending the person in front of me because I wasn’t paying attention. Little did I know that was the only rear-ending that was to come of this experience.

Whatever happened to her? Well, shortly after that she got retrenched, and ending in a relationship with the cousin of a friend of mine, they got married and had a kid.

I’ve never seen her since…

2) Story 19-20-1-3-5-25

There have been many time in my life where I’ve met someone who I can connect with on another level in terms of personality, humour, views on life etc. So it always saddens me when I do and then they suddenly disappear on me, only to resurface years later with a whole new life. This was such a story…

During my time in the magazine industry, I met some great people, and one of my favourite people I only got to know once I had left.

We had worked together briefly, and always gotten along, she had a breezy vibe about here, the sort of vibe that made you instantly at easy and comfortable.

We had both moved on from our jobs though, and just less than a year after I had left, we starting chatting again on Facebook, and decided hey, let’s meet up again.

I was a bit nervous about doing it because I was going through my hell year, and couldn’t really afford to wine and dine her or do anything too fancy.

Thankfully she was a pizza kinda of girl, which fit my non-existent budget to a tee.

I spent the whole day nervous about was this a date or not (as is common practice with me), and didn’t want to assume too much, but I really hoped it was one.

The hours of course took days to pass, but eventually our time arrived.

We met at a pizzeria just a few blogs up from my work, and as luck would have it, this was no ordinary pizzeria, it had tables and candlelight which screamed date to me.

She arrived and immediately greeted me with a comforting hug that was simply part of her breeziness.

The night passed all too quickly, but the conversation that night was revealing, intimate, honest and hopeful. I will never forget her last words of the conversation – “I can’t believe there has been this amazing, wonderful, honest person in front of me all this time”….

Oh yeah…being myself had finally paid off.

As night’s do, they come to an end, she kissed me goodbye and said we must definitely do this again soon.
Hell yeah! You don’t have to ask me twice.

If that was a date, it was pretty much a 10.

Then…. my attempts to setup a follow up were in vain, the excuses started slowly, till the point where any attempt I made to contact her were met with silence.

It seemed like she had disappeared completely…eventually I got the dreaded Facebook deletion.

How did I mess this one up?? I’m still not sure to this day.

A few years later she added me on Facebook again, this time, with a new surname and baby boy. She seems happy, so how can I be unhappy with that?

We chat occasionally…but not one mention has ever come of that night she had that amazing guy sitting right in front of her.

3) Story – 2-5-14-9-20-1
Sometimes I look back at this story as the most confusing, mainly because of what happened afterwards.

I met this lady by pure chance, as it happened when I went to go drop off some dvds for someone who had bought them from me. As he brought me up to the office for chat, there was this girl sitting next to him who caught me attention immediately. It didn’t take long before the three of us were having a conversation and I felt myself attractive to everything about her. Me being smart gave her my business card and said hey, if there’s ever a cd you’re looking for i can try get it for you. (Working for a record label was still the best pick up line i’ve managed to have in my life).

The next day or so she mailed me, and asked if I was serious, which of course I was. This opened the door at least and we began emailing each other regularly to the point where my “hey let’s have coffee” line eventually came out. She accepted.

We met up a few nights later, and had a pleasant evening together, sharing some of our personal lives, and got to know each other as best we could. There always a weird underlying tension though which felt that we were always just the wrong line away from an argument.

Over the weeks that followed we eventually did have an argument because of our strong yet very different opinions on things (and yet i forget what the actual topic was).

Months later, we came into contact again, and just decided we had wasted so much not talking.

She invited me over to her place for lunch and a swim. I went, we had a great time, in the swimming pool of the complex we engaged in the usual “splashing fun” two people have in water, had a conversation with a drunk biker about the rules of the road, and genuinly had a good time. I don’t know if it was because she was soaking when (I had a thing for women glistening with water), or if it was just coincidence, but it was that moment where i knew I had genuine feelings for this girl. I didn’t know if she felt the same, because I saw no signs of it.

We went back to her place and changed, I had a shower (and secretely hoped she would walk in on me and shower too…damn those pornos).

Then the afternoon seems to come to an abrupt end.

Again a long while passed before we could actually see each other, she again invited me to her place, this time we had dinner, she treated me to nandos, and we sat together upstairs and watched a bollywood movie. It was simply a moment of pure bliss. We shared stories, joked and teased each other. As usual I didn’t know if I should make a move, but I didn’t want to ruin the evening, so didn’t even second guess not making move.

The evening ended, and that was the last time I saw her. There were many excuses why we didn’t meet up again, which left me ultimately hurt and confused.

Over time, I made my feelings to her clear, but this didn’t seem to make any difference. She seemed to be going through some personal issues, and eventually moved from Joburg back down to Durban.

When chatted again over the computer, where she revealed she had had feelings for me (which have obviously since been forgotten), but she had no intention of pursuing them, she said the day were went swimming she had invited me over to see if there was a spark between us.

I wasn’t angry with all these late revelations, I was just hurt that she said this when there was no way we would see each other again.

I tried in vain to try and make something of it, to try and convince her to give us a chance, but nothing. It just ended. I regret that we never kissed. Maybe that would of changed things. Maybe not.

We are facebook friends now, but thats the extent of whats left of the romance that never was.

4) Story – 18-15-2-9-14

Ask any of my friends, I’m not really the party type, I very rarely go to gatherings or celebrations. It’s jus something I don’t feel comfortable doing anymore.

Back in the day however, I made the odd appearance at a braai (bbq) or birthday gathering, and this was one such occasion.

I went to a friends birthday braai, not really expecting to have a good time, even though he was the closest thing I have to a best friend, and I knew a lot of his friends, there was a always a chance I would make an excuse and leave early.

However to my surprise I ended up having a good type pretty quickly, and that was probably mostly due to the fact that I hit it off with his girlfriend’s neighbour. She was cute, fun and extremely young, yes three things I look for in a girl.

We chatted the whole time, and boy was I smooth, I even walked her home (yes next door), and managed to get her number.

That night we sms’d each other and quickly began flirting with her. I put on a pair and asked her out. To the movies, it was anything too hectic, but a nice way of spending time together.

The week after the braai, I drove out to fetch her, and of course as I arrived, my friend was leaving his girl friend’s house, he just laughed that laugh of his that pretty much says “busted!”

She invited me in to meet her parents, and her sister, and boy was it awkward, the parents barely responded to anything I said, and just spend their time staring at the movie that was playing on the TCM channel. I tried to make conversation about my knowledge of movies, but still no response.

Thankfully we didn’t stay too long. We headed out to the mall, and I gave her the choice of what movie she wanted to see, she wanted to watch Feddy vs Jason…(a girl picking a horror movie is normally a good sign, but all i could think of was – dammnit…I’ve already seen that).

The movie passed far too quickly, but we inevitably began holding hands during the movie, and didn’t let go for the rest of the night. This of course made going to the bathroom a bit awkward.

I didn’t plan on making a movie further than perhaps a goodnight kiss, but when we were driving home, I mentioned that I was due to film an episode of The Weakest Link the next day.

Just before we got to her house, she said to me, “Can I wish you luck for tomorrow?” of course I wasn’t going to turn that down.

We parked on the side of the ride a few blocks from her house and began to make out. It was very natural and very appealing, then she undid her bra, allowing me to put my magic hands to work. Her hands made their way to my gear stick, then she realized she had the wrong gear stick and proceeded to rub my other gear stick.

It was what we call a good session. We didn’t go too far but far enough to know there was an attraction.
I dropped her off and said good night, and we sms’d each other for the rest of the night.

The next day I filmed my episode of The Weakest Link, and the host asked me a question of “Shaun, I believe you’re single…why is that?”, I had the perfect response of “Well after last night maybe not, I had a date, a good date”…we all laughed, and I thought man, when that airs on TV its going to be a zinger.

The next day I sms’d the girl, and she didn’t reply, i tried again several times, and she eventually started replying with short sentences, finally saying we can’t see each other anymore.

Ergh…here we go again. She sorta eluded to the fact that her parents didn’t like me, which might have been true, I’ll never actually know. She was young, and maybe that played a factor.

For me though, it was just another unsolved mystery. I think she is now living in the UK, but I often wonder about her. Of course, when that episode of The Weakest Link aired…well that just hurt even more

5) Story – 16-5-1-18-12

I haven’t kissed a lot of women in my life. This is true, but when I think of the best kiss I’ve ever had, this girl is by far the winner. Perhaps it’s because it’s something that should never have happened, perhaps it’s because it was a kiss that I wanted more than anything else, maybe my weakness for Indian women? or perhaps it was simply because it was just that damn good.

Many years before the kiss I had met this woman when her husband introduced us, we got along instantly, and I was immediately attracted to her. I’d never thought of pursuing anything with her of course, but she was always right up there what I daydreamed.

The years passed and we didnt’really see or talk to each other since for a long time, then through a common friend we got into touch again.

All the feelings I had for her instantly returned, we talked and flirted and I was happy I was able to make her feel wanted again. She has having some problems at home, and her husband himself had “made some poor choices”, she was angry at him, and was running low on self esteem. I by no mean’s took advantage of this, but I did make it clear how she deserved better, and deserved to be desired.

She was after all a… beautiful woman.

I was going through a rough time myself and was in a really bad place because of a variety of things. I had planned a road trip to disappear for a while, and it was going to start on my birthday.

She showed a lot of concern for me, and during our joking flirting she asked what I wanted for my birthday, I replied I just wanted a kiss from her. I didn’t know how my roadtrip would turn out, and I didn’t even know if I would come back from it, and the truth is, if I never kissed her, it would be my greatest regret.

To my surprise, she said she would like to give me that for my birthday, but for obvious reasons we needed a place to meet. Publically was too dangerous, her home was obviously out the question. She suggestion I come to her work for a “meeting”before I left for my road trip.

So on my birthday, I took my lunch break and drove to her work, this was the first time I’d seen her in a long time, and she was just as beautiful.

We went up to her office and she took me to a meeting room, where she locked the door, and said “well, happy birthday I guess”…

What proceeded was the single best kiss of my life, it was passionate, intense, a release of all our frustrations, but her lips so soft that its felt unreal…her minty breath was obviously the result of a lot of chewed gum, which made me smile to myself, I had done the same thing.

It ended all too shortly and all she could say was “Well, that’s officialy the first time I’ve cheated on my husband”… I guess I should of felt bad or guilty…but I didn’t. This was about me and her, nobody else.

We spoke awkwardly for a few minutes and then I left.
A day later I left on my roadtrip, thinking, well maybe I had something to come back for. I stayed in touch with her as much as I could during my abscence of 11 days, and she kept telling me how I must come back safely, and that she too had enjoyed the moment.

When I eventually came back, she immediately stopped talking to me, and ignored my emails. I guess she had felt too guilty about what happened. When we eventually made contact again, she was mean and cold towards me.

It hurt, bad. But what was I gonna do? Interfere with a marriage? a family? No. of course not, I respected that she wanted out, I just wish she had been adult enough to talk it out with me as we had before I left. I would not of made her feel guilty.

It was a beautiful passionate kiss shared between two people. There should be more of those moments in life, regardless of the circumstances.

We haven’t spoken for years, she has a new job and is closer to her family than ever before from what I can tell. Would I do that again? In a heartbeat.

6) Story – 2-18-9-7-9-20-20-5

It seems a lot of my older stories somehow go back to the days of ICQ, as this next person I had also initially met a decade or so ago. In those days it was easy to just search for a female, 18-25, and strike up a conversation without any hidden agenda.

I was lucky enough to meet some pretty awesome people, some I still keep in touch with, and some such as this Queen B, have seemingly erased me from their existance.

She was based in Durban initially, and we had chatted for ages before we met up, she was the kind of girl who was as honest with her opinion on things as I was, I think that’s probably what stoked our friendship.

Things got even better when she got a job up in Johannesburg and decided to move up here, I couldn’t wait to see her in person for the first time.

I had also accidentally become friends with her sister, and seemingly chatted to her more often.

Finally the our schedules aligned and we decided to go to a movie together, you know to ease into things, that was perfect for me as I’m at my best when I have subject matter. The movie was Vin Diesel’s macho epic xXx.

As over the top as it was, we both had a nice time and decided to try and find a place to find coffee. Now, as this was in Midrand, there were no places open for coffee after 8pm, other than a Petrol Station…which I was willing to settle for.

She insisted we get some decent coffee and suggested I rather come back to her place. Which was a brave move on her part considering this was the first time we had actually met in person, but again, this was a different time.

We enjoyed said cup of coffee, and retreated to the couch where we put on the TV, and comfortable settled in snuggly next to each other.
The night was filled with playful teasing childlike sillyness as we “wrestled”over her hairclip…which was all a prelude to her comfortably laying against me on the coach, I began to massage her back and everything felt so natural…

We watched two movies on TV that night, in fact it was a Jim Belushi double feature…Made Men and Retroactive…two movies that make me think of her today still…

Again I didn’t have the balls to try and kiss her or anything, and about 3am she probably realized I wasn’t going to do it either, and suggested we call it a night, which I begrudgingly did.

I was worried that I’d blown it, but luckily a few weeks later, on 31 December 2001 she invited me around to enjoy a New Year’s Eve braai with her and her sister who was up from Durban.

We enjoyed some swimming (what is it with me and swimming with girls??), and the afternoon soon became evening, they invited me to come out with them to celebrate NYE, which I had little hesitation in accepting as I got to spend time with her, and hey, there was a chance of a New Year’s midnight Kiss!

I went with the two of them and her sister’s friend to a series of clubs as we up with even more of their friends, who were nice enough, as midnight struck at a club in Rivonia, we all hugged and kissed each other…standard fare I guess.
Then we proceeded to one of the friends house, where they all smoked some hubbly and I stood awkwardly in the kitchen with a bunch people I didn’t know as I watched her chatting with her friends, and her sister making out with a guy on the balcony.

For hours I stood there alone, thinking this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

The next days that passed, she stopped responding to my messages. Till eventually she disappeared completely.

For years I tried contacting her to find out what happened and why she didn’t respond to me…i asked her sister, and her sister was just as surprised as I was that she was ignoring me. From what I remember, she is now working in another country, and seems pretty happy.

I found her on Facebook, messaged her, she ignore me then blocked me.

Then about 8 years later, I was making my way through Cape Town airport and as I was rushing to catch my flight, I saw her and her family sitting by the check-in counter….and as if in slow motion, I watched her laughing and joking with them, and thought I couldn’t possible approach her.

I think about her every single day, wonder what went wrong 10 years ago today that made her not want to be my friend even.

ok guys, well, that’s the end of part 1. I have more stories, so let me know if you’d like to see a part 2 of this blog…

Burg’s Laws of Attraction – A Tale of Sex and Romance

December 7, 2010

WARNING – The below is not intended for anyone below the age of 16 (or whatever the legal age of consent is these days)

I’ve talked about how I enjoy flirting in the past. I’ve even brazenly listed the girls I’m interested in.

The other day I was at a party (stop the presses I know!), and as per any guys guy, I scoped out the guests looking around to see if there was anyone attracted to. The results of that survey are a cow’s opinion, but the whole process is something I enjoy.

Seeing what type of women I’m attracted to, and why, and why not etc etc etc.

Though I’ve never been one to engage in lewd conversation about women, quite the opposite in fact, I hate derogatory sexist talk about the hotness of women, and cannot engage in it with guys. I find it appalling. Conversations that contain the sentence “what I’d do to her …she wouldn’t be able to walk for a week” are not exactly conversations I’d like to be involved in.

I have however found myself in those scenarios many times, and felt like the odd one out each and every time – especially when copious amounts of booze are consumed by.

Because I come across as a cool, laid back ladies man, its assumed that’s exactly what I am. (Laughable I know). Going back to said party I was at, a cute girl offered to get me a drink, I politely declined saying I never touch the stuff. She was shocked and said “you look exactly the opposite, I would never have guessed” – I get that a lot, and I’m never sure how to take it. Book-cover-judge-much?

But I digress.

The point of this column is my attraction to women.
Whether it be sexual or otherwise.

In fact, lets push pause there for a second.
Sexual attraction…it’s a funny old thing.

I don’t know if I’ve ever really experienced that, because sexual attraction leads to sex right? On occasion at least.

My track record with the three letter word is probably directly equivalent to my supposed playboy status. It’s no secret (unless you’re reading my blog for the first time), that I have had sex a grand total of once on my life, and that was what…three years ago maybe? My memory fades fast at this age.

I’m not often sexually attracted to women (no, im not gay,bi or a monk), but when I am…boy am I.

Do I have a type? Sure I do, I like women that have an exotic appeal to them (no I don’t mean a penis), I mean I’m attracted to women who are darker in complexion, whether it be Indian/Asian women, European women or Latina. There is just something that gets my blood racing when it comes to them. (Don’t even get me started on my love for Leona Lewis…because that may indeed get me fired from my job)….Relax caucasian girls, I still find some of you attractive.

I like the whole build up towards talking about sex, the foreplay before the foreplay if ya will.

I enjoy “testing the waters” with them, and sometimes feel my urges taking over when the conversation turn a little heated. It normally doesn’t lead anywhere, so maybe I just don’t know how to “seal the deal”…pathetic to some I guess….

You know what I find really sexy? Water…weird right? But I do, thats where my imagination goes – a swimming pool, a shower, a bath, the rain,..Don’t know why…but i just do. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get an erection when I walk in a puddle of water, i’m just saying it my “sexiest environment”

Music I’d have sex to? Well, I love Zero 7 for mood music…or John Legend.

There are few people I currently chat to that I see or feel in that light, that’s not to say there isn’t ANYONE, but no potentials I guess.

Ironically I’m still talking to the one girl who I will always be attracted to in that way, even if its simply in email conversations, but she really gets me going. We openly joke about things like her having another baby, or getting a boob job, and yet I find myself completely imagining doing both these things for her.

Its frustrating, it really is, but I carry on with life, and life moves on without me. I guess it all comes down to that infamous movie quote – “Stop putting the pussy on a pedestal”

When the whole situation is analyzed, it will probably be revealed as some deep rooted problems I had as a child.

Having to grow up way before my time and not having all those experiences when it comes to girls. I never had that girl cousin who taught me how to kiss, or that best friends sister who made me a man. Everything I learned about sex and women came from the movies. And boy did Hollywood know how to set the bar for sex and romance.

Plus there is the whole issue of self confidence and body issues! I can’t even swim without a t-shirt, so how the heck will I ever let a girl see me completely nekkid!….well without laughing that is.

As guy, body issues are never really discussed, but it’s a huge confidence issue…I feel like a short fat guy (which in reality I probably am), but still, I must be able to flex fat long enough to fool someone!

Yes, I do have an amazing imagination… that’s what gets me through most nights.

So… you keen then eh?

The Contenders – Take A little piece of my heart now baby…

October 25, 2010

After the semi-vent that was my previous blog, here comes the big reveal of the current individuals who hold my attention – in more ways than one.

While this list may indeed make certain friendships 100x more uncomfortable, ie. certain parties will avoid speaking to me, the intention is written from a point of affection and thankfulness that I do indeed know them.

I want it known that while I have mentioned I don’t respect the union of marriage, I respect the fact that those on the list believe in it. And I cannot be called as a witness in any divorce proceedings.

I’ve always been proud of the fact that I don’t see race, religion or age when it comes to my attraction to women, and while that may sound like a good thing, its often the exact reason nothing would probably ever happen between us, as for some people are strong in certain beliefs. (Also please note there are no albinos on this list….which saddens me.)

Seeing as though this is ME we are talking about, none of the below are likely to ever be something more than what they currently are, but that won’t ever stop me from feeling the way I do. That’s left for the restraining order to take care of.

This list is written cryptically, it’s pun induced, but for the smart ones out there…you will know EXACTLY if and when your name is listed – because I’m a friggen genius at writing like this.

Ok…ready to be outed? HERE WE GO!

The Original Crush
Much like the tagline of a product that will always be first choice – The original crush. It sure ain’t 1999 anymore… it’s a different time now. And she’s a different person. Family first. Me I’m still the same person I was back then. It’s back and forth. And never in the middle. I’m always testing waters. She’s never swimming. But she’s still my password. She will always be lovely.

The Colt
This lady is a colt. In so many ways. A brave email sparked a genuine friendship. Far beyond the usual smiley faces and “Lols”. There is something there. Maybe its not something for today. Or tomorrow. But there is something there. I hope we both feel it. The story has many chapters to be written. We just need to be in the same place to write it. When though? We dream the same dreams, we live the same frustrations. Now THAT’s a connection. Plus she’s a bit of a nerd. Which I love. . yes. I used the L word. Which im sure she gets a lot. Might as well call her Miss. L.

The Columnist
I’m pretty sure I irritate the hades out of her. Although its only because we both live and breathe pop culture. I try encourage things with her…she never bites though. Damn columnists. Love and trust her recommendations. Sure she’s recommending to the whole world, but I like to think it’s just for me. Yeah. I definitely irritate the hades out of her. She’d rather be watching a TV series or movie than listen to how I have a crush on her. She really should be on the list. Why didn’t she respond *sigh*

The Muse
She is the muse. Once in a lifetime we meet someone that meets EVERY requirement on the list. Damn Canadians are like that. So nice and perfect. Will we ever meet? I wish, but I doubt. So busy all the time. Damn writers are like that. I wish we were facebook friends. It would make her beauty seem real. Damn Indians are like that. She’s lucky she spoke to me this weekend…or I’d never write half the stuff I write. Damn muses are like that.

The Entrepreneur
Will never be sure how she feels. She knows I like her…a lot…but we’ve never met. That could possible be a problem…and she definitely has enough problems as it is. Wish I was in a position to help her. I will be one day. That’s what I do though. I’m scared that if we meet in person all my fears will be realized. I believe in her. Wish she would too…after all she moved her whole life up here.

The Traveller
Thought I was on to something special here. All my beliefs and understandings of who I am seem to be justified with her. But it all came too quickly. She might of panicked…and ended it before truths were revealed. Gorgeous. Passionate. Come to think of it…totally out of my league. But in the end not even a packet of milk bottles could save this. It’s as if disaster was written in the stars. The one that surrounds our planet that is…not this one.

The Girl
Maybe too young? –I wouldn’t know…since I don’t know her age But seems smart as a whip. Good taste in music too. That’s rare…but doesn’t really know I exist – that’s good for her. Studies can keep one distracted I guess. These are the growing years? You know what show I really liked? Charlie’s Angels – Loved that girl with the hair…now what was her name again.

The Inspiration
Inspiring. Does what she believes is right. Society has their rules, she has her – and will power of note. Seen on the rare occasion, but each of those occasions leaves me reeling for days. We don’t chat like we used to. Damn career girls. But she has someone who makes her happy, and he seemingly beats me to every punch. Will always be in the front of the queue. Because that’s Ayoba.

The Heart & Soul
I’ve blown it so many times with her because of my ego and pride. She still remains one of my best friends. Even is psycho X had it in for me. And current beau is awesome to her. She deserves it. I wanted to be the guy who could give all that to her…but I always found a way to give her grief instead. Maybe her honesty is what made her bad for me, as well as good. Add. Remove.Add.

The Unexpected
She’s the kind of woman who walks into a meeting, and there’s no possibly way you can even focus on what the meetings about. I know…I’ve done that often. A recent resident on Burg’s world, but seemingly went right to the front of the guy when I we were handing out passports. I wish there was something there from her side…despite the obvious. Mmm…guess she could always provide refreshments.

The High School Crush
The old school crush. Back then I’d walk miles just to risk randomly bumped into her in the old street. Its been so long, we seem to blow hot and cold at times, and I’m never sure if I’m seeing something that’s their or not. She has national pride and Baby Jesus… I don’t…that would always come between us me thinks. I’m better off watching Chariots of Fire…which I always thought was the right spelling. I was wrong.

The One That Got Away
If only she told me sooner…before it was too late. Its my biggest regret…and no matter how much we promise each other, the odds of even seeing each other again grow worse by the day. If we do indeed meet up, the heat would be so intense, it would make for a good news story…which she could read to the listeners every Sunday. I miss the emails, and even the phone calls…which we all know I hate.

The Musician
Her musical talent is what first got my attention. And her beauty is what the whole country’s attention. Her heart belonged to someone long before the attention began, and I’m pretty sure it will stay that way. I saw her earlier this year after many months, and was truly honored to be seen in her presence, even if I was pushed to the edge of the line for most of the night. Girls like her are in short supply.

The Newbie
This film student captured my attention with her air of uniqueness. Inspiring in her belief of her talent, the few times we have spoken have been nothing short of special. While she will soon leave these parts, I feel saddened that this was perhaps a friendship that started all too late, and will sadly end all too soon. Maybe the beaches of Brazil are where I should head.

The Secret Friend
This lady is perhaps where my heart really got damaged. I offered her the world, she seemed interested…then suddenly it seemed like we were only allowed to have a secret friendship. Her ticket was booked, but she drifted away. I think about her daily, and she is still my first choice to get a boarding pass…if only she’d speak to me again…and own up to a bad decision. I miss her…but perhaps know that she knows I was really falling for her…she may indeed remove all traces of my existence. I hope for the opposite…because you need to risk it to get the biscuit.

Thats it…those are the Secret Loves of The Burg.
I like all these ladies for different reasons…but at the end of the day…while im sure they will recognize themselves in these descriptions…i doubt they will ever acknowledge it…which is a shame, because I hope they do….who knows…