Posts Tagged ‘thoughts’

To All Things An End – My Final Blog

October 18, 2012

Over three years of my life
Over 150 posts
Over 500 comments
Over 130,000 views.

Not bad for a guy sitting in his room in Kempton Park, South Africa, writing his little blog.

I say these stats with pride, because I worked hard at the blog, I tried to make it something different to what’s out there, and I hope I achieved that in some small way.

I’ve shared EVERYTHING. Good and bad, tragic and triumphant. I’ve made enemies, I’ve lost friends, and I’ve gained respect and thanks. All because of the words I chose to use.

I’ve always said I was blogging before blogging was a word, which is partly the reason I have decided to call it a day as far as being a blogger is concerned. I have shared every aspect of my life with people, left no stone unturned, and this was bound to lead me to this point. Where I feel I have nothing left to write about. This is not a sudden decision,  as the thought has been in my head for a while to end it. I think my birthday last week left me with a sense of its ok to let it go.

After each blog I was left more and more drained, and the pressure I put on myself to come up with something new to write about was immense, and it should never be that way.

I love being a writer. It’s what I am. However, now I feel like it is time to let go of this blog and move onto other types of writing. More creative story telling I guess, I will certainly maintain my style in other projects I pursue, and will always look back fondly at this blog as something that added so much value to my life (and maybe yours).

I thank the loyal readers, I thank the haters, I thank everyone that took time to message me publically or privately with their thoughts, concerns, complaints or whatever emotion my blog brought out in you. That was always the intention.

And unlike the 5th season of 21 Jump Street, I will not stay around longer than I’m welcome; I will not get stuck in a mode of repetition. I will leave this blog with my head held high, with a feeling of I came, I saw, I conquered.

October has been a very telling month for me personally and I’ve decided to close a lot of chapters in my life,  ironically November has the makings of being a game changer for me. I hope it leads to inspiration, confidence and a push in the right direction as the writer I am meant to be. I will continue to be inspired by an elite few, those who I love, those who I cannot be with, and those who I strive to prove wrong.

So thanks for being part of Burgs World…I hope you come back and revisit some of the many stories I have shared with you over the last three years or so, they will forever be part of my body of work, and if you’d like to follow what I do next…well, hopefully my work will find you.

Always.

Burg.

State of The Burg Nation Address – Permanent Heartbreak & Zombies

October 10, 2012

A year ago I was sitting at home, unemployed, broke and no clue of what the future held for me. I was essentially happy. I knew I had a decent payout coming, a new job would find me, and I had high expectations that “next year would be different”.
So here we are….1 year later. What has changed?
The more I think about it, the more I get overwhelmed with a great sense of depression. It’s probably not the best time to analyse my life either, because I always get hugely depressed this time of year because of my birthday. And in two days time, when the day arrives, I’ll be forced to pretend I’m happy it’s my birthday, instead of having to explain to new friends and co-workers that I don’t celebrate it. So when questions and comments arise such as “what have you got planned” or “I hope you get spoilt” I will try and force a smile and come up with answers that don’t depress me even more.
Know me well enough, and know how I feel about the day.
I’ve been under tremendous stress lately, and really feel like it’s taking its toll. Health wise and mentally, its just overwhelmed me to the point where I feel my legs can’t even hold me up anymore.
The easy solution is I just need to take a holiday or go out with friends…

 

I’ve tried to avoid writing how woe is me, but I just don’t think there is any possible way to avoid it, and believe me, I don’t want to be THAT version of myself again.
A lot has changed over the last year, I know this to be true, and because I can see the difference I’ve made in my life, but the problem is, as I get older, I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the things that simply won’t change.
I gave the whole positive attitude thing a massive try. I made the effort with people, a big effort, but every disappointment I’ve had has resulted in a crushing punch to the ovaries. Which could possibly explain why I’m battling to even stand these days.
A friend and I chatted recently, and I call him a friend because of all the bullshiz we have gone through (and given each other), we still remain close. We spoke about the disappointment in people, and he pointed out that you literally can count the number of friends you really have one hand; the rest will always let you down.
What defines a genuine friendship though? We assign so much to that pedestal of friendship, that it becomes dangerous. Yes. Friendships are dangerous. I think this is why I try and avoid them.
However, over the last few weeks I seem to have fallen off the wagon and tried to believe in the romance of friendships…to my own detriment.
I’ve been accused of taking things too personally…which I do. Because friendship is the most personal thing there is. And if you can’t rely on the very basics of things like effort, commitment and honesty you, such as myself, will be in a permanent state of heartbreak.
And that’s exactly what’s wrong with me. I am in a permanent state of heartbreak. Probably for the last 30 years.
I recently reached out to a bunch of people I considered friends. I wanted to spend time with them, because I like them, and really needed to be around them to feel good about myself.
Scenario A, was friend I had messaged for years saying lets catchup, let’s get together, etc etc.. and she agreed that we absolutely would! She had recently returned from overseas and asked for me number saying we can finally meet up again. I let myself get excited about this prospect, and eagerly sent my details saying she must send me hers. About a month after that she finally did. Then we proceeded to organize a date and time. A Friday, lunch time.
As it got closer, I got more nervous, because people ALWAYS cancel on me…and normally just before the time. So about an hour before she messaged me saying she was running late but would be there about an hour after our original time.
That time arrived and she messaged me again could we do it in the evening rather.
I replied sure.
Then another message saying can we rather do it over the weekend, or the week after.
I replied sure…whenever you can fit me into your schedule.
She replied “Thanks! I’ll message you next week!”
That was three weeks ago. Nothing since.
The second scenario, just days afterwards, was another friend I had managed to track down who I hadn’t seen in over a year. We agreed on a dinner date for Wednesday last week.
On the Tuesday night I messaged her asking if we were all good for dinner the night after, she replied saying she was so sorry, she forgot and said we would have to move it to later in the week, but she would get hold of me to confirm. I still haven’t heard from her.
There are others… new friends, who I’ve tried opening up with, letting them into my life, becoming their confident, showing them that there is a better way of life in terms of happiness and love, only of course till they seem to get bored of me, and my romantic notion of how life should be, then going back to the crud that they think is happiness. I just don’t get it, and then people tell me that I will make someone very happy, or any girl would be lucky to have me…prove it.
These are not random events. This is how it ALWAYS is. Always. It’s impossible not to get heartbroken over these moments. They seem to shrug it off so easily, and to me it feels like I have no right to complain over petty little cancellations.

 

(I know there are those that will immediately say I never take them up on the offers to do something, or never asked them out etc, but lets be honest here, if I enjoyed your company THAT much, we would of already done something, so get over it, and get back to reading.)
I’m a good guy, I’m good company. I surely deserve better? I deserve chances…And screw all that “well if you think it’s going to go bad, it will go bad”…That is such a cop out answer, because what about when you think good? and you still get burned…
Sorry, that was a bit of a vent wasn’t it? Well…I feel better that its out, but my heart doesn’t.
Ah the heart…tell me, why do I even have this useless item in my body? And yes, I know it provides the basic function of living. But then…what if you are not living? I certainly don’t feel alive.
In fact, the only time I felt alive recently was that one week I spent it Cape Town. Because I actually felt like my heart did have a function. It’s possible I left it there though.
You know that girl I fell for? Well. What do I even say about that? I thought at least all the distractions and distance would help me not think about her as much. But the more we don’t chat, the more I fall for her. The more I don’t see her, the clearer I can see her. As I told someone yesterday…there is nobody else for me to push away while I focus on her…there are no dates…there is nothing physical…there is nothing…except what we both know. That there is “something” there and it hurts so much knowing we are not allowed to even try.

So every year, as my birthday approaches, I cannot think of anything other than how I’m getting older, lonelier and despite my best efforts, I may not get that chance at happiness and love. Despite everyone’s cliched pieces of advice, these are the facts. This is the reality.

I sit here in life’s limbo. Exhausted. Heartbroken. Functioning purely on some sort of Zombie instinct. The punches keep on coming, and the Universe is constantly beating the cr@p out of me, but I’m not staying down…and we all know, there is only one true way to kill zombie.

You Look Familiar…Have We Met Before?

September 26, 2012

I’m a rambling man. For the most part at least, but those ramblings often stem from a very linear train of thought, that is, until the train totally derails and I begin to over think things.

For the last week my mind has been focusing on one thing, or rather one person. It hasn’t been an obsessive sort of thinking though, which is a relief for a change. Instead, it’s been a more of growing thought. A seed if you will.

You see, this person I’m thinking of, our friendship is pretty black and white at face value. It’s just two people who get along, have a lot of similar interests and have similar views on the world. However, there is something else there…something lingering -something that existed before we even met. An intangible.

There is no possible way I could explain it without sounding like a nutcase, so I won’t even try and convince you. What I will do, is just write what I feel to be true to me.

We were meant to meet. And for all the talk of if only we had met a few years ago, the truth of the matter is, we probably did. Except it wasn’t a few years ago, it was slightly longer than that. I feel we have known each other from before we existed. I’ve always had the overwhelming feeling of not belonging, in this time, on this planet, in this life. It’s a nonsensical thought, which I don’t much preach about, but I know it to be true. This life I lead now feels like its making amends for some horrible existence I previously lead. I accepted that a long time ago. Perhaps in my next journey I will find peace and happiness and love. It certainly does not seem my path in this lifetime. It’s a crazy notion, I know.

People always talk about how I will meet the “right one” when I’m ready, or when it’s meant to be. But nobody ever entertains the thought of maybe I did already meet the right one.

Maybe…I met the one in a previous life, and we were perfectly happy, in time of romance, we did not know an ounce of sadness (and I was probably a little bit taller with the abs of a Greek warrior). And then we got ripped apart. Now, in another time, another space, we have met again. However, this time we are not allowed to be together. For whatever reasons may exist in this world.

Perhaps she may now be with the one who seemed a perfect fit. But what is the perfect fit? Is it someone who ticks all the boxes? What if there were more check boxes on the second page you never looked at? Someone who is even more of a fit, but because you settled, you never even knew there was a page two to look at.

Does one fight to restore the balance? Fight for a second chance at happiness? Does one walk away knowing that this lifetime it’s not meant to be…Does one move on to someone else? (because we know my life is filled with women who are interested in me right?)

These are all just thoughts. I obviously cannot prove a single element of this, nor should I need to.

My heart and soul are not always in sync with my brain, which leads to being misunderstood, and alone for the most part. … There are times I think I’m just that lonely that I constantly try and look for reasoning behind my heart ache. The other day, a friend mailed me and said she had a dream that I was had a blonde girlfriend and I was happy and that she hoped it was a sign of something to come. My immediate response was “hopefully that was a wig”.

People will laugh at this blog, I’m sure, perhaps even try and force me to rationalize it, which is fine. I get that it’s near impossible for you to believe. In the end, life goes on, till the next one at least.

Texas Had It Wrong….I DO need a lover…

July 22, 2012

I have a recurring joke I like to make every so often. A comment so uncomfortably honest it makes people question whether it’s actually just me being awkwardly funny or deadly serious.

“I’m thinking about taking on a lover”

The more reserved of my friends/readers tend to take it humorously, and respond with a joke of their own, knowing that nobody would openly state they are looking for THAT. Others think I’m putting out feelers to see if any “lonely soul” bites…

To put everyone’s minds at rest…
I am ALWAYS looking for a lover. Always.

But why is that considered taboo? Or a shocking statement to make?
Am I not a single adult who craves companionship and affection? Surely I’m entitled to a sex life just as much as anyone else.

Over the last week or two, the conversation of sex has reared its head in a few varying conversations. How honest is too honest when talking about it? What are the pros and cons of a single lonely man paying for companionship and sex? Does sex ruin friendships if you want to have sex with a friend?

It’s often and easily misconstrued as a “typical guy after just one thing”, which makes me laugh a sad sorta laugh.

My sexually history has been written about before, yes, too much to some, but nonetheless, my sexual history in itself can be considered shocking. Most likely for the most opposite of reasons that one might think.

The truth is in the pudding.

I’m a near 34 year old man who has had sex a grand total of once in his life. And this came (excuse the pun), just before I turned 30.

Effectively, I waited 30 years for my first time (yes, I do count the ages between birth and 16yrs old), and now who knows how long I’ll have to wait for me second time.
I can’t say much about my first time, because quite honestly, I never knew what to expect, or anything to compare it against. It something that sorta just happened as a result of a hybrid between opportunity and negotiation.

The willing participant was an old school friend who was most likely stuck in a rut with where she was in her life. We ended up doing it in my office at a previous job in the afternoon. Yup, Office sex and afternoon delight. Doesn’t get much better than that right? (Now of course if you’re smart enough and do the math, you’ll know exactly when and where this took place, and probably give the person who took over my office after me cold shivers right about now….but don’t worry, we exchanged desks too).

The act itself was more of a learning experience for me I guess. I can’t say I did it for the right reasons or it’s something I always wanted from the person. It was just something that was. I don’t think either of us regrets it, and it was a nice memory. That’s all it seems now. A memory.

I’m not exactly living a life where the chance for sex comes along…in fact this was probably the only time, but I do know there have been numerous people I was attracted to sexually. Even now, there are those I would give anything to be with, who I just find so absolutely attractive that I go weak at the knees. Relationships aside, being around them or talking to them, gives me THAT feeling. That’s not a bad thing right? Nor should it be taboo.

In this day and age, if two adults (yes, from 18) are attracted to each other, why can they not just openly discuss the matter, do the deed, and create a moment that adds value to their life. The most basic emotion we deserve to feel is love, physically or emotionally.

Should sex only be a result of a long term relationship? Or should it be the basis of keeping a relationship together, but the what if you are the kind of person who will never be fortunate enough to be in a relationship (yes, the truth is not everyone gets that luxury).

The question is why can I not find a lover? I’m surely not wholly unattractive? Sure I could afford to drop a few pounds which would certainly help with my confidence…but is the thought of sober sex with me worse than having sex with Peter Griffin? (sure, I’d throw in more pop culture references)

Perhaps at the end of the day, I’m just a naïve lonely guy who looks for love in all the wrong places. But all I know is I’m so tired of watching porn….plus these iPads are so hard hold…(that’s what she said.)

It’s The Way…

June 6, 2012

It’s the way it feels when you say hello and good morning
It’s the way your emoticons are always yawning

It’s the way you look when you wear a dress
It’s the way you fold your scarf, never in a mess

It’s the way you put one finger on your lip when you’re concentrating on reading
It’s the way you lean to the left when with a pen you are writing

It’s the way you hold your sleeves in your hands
It’s the way your hair falls on your face, just the way it lands

It’s the way your jersey falls off your shoulders, the most attractive sight in the world.
It’s the way you are so unassuming, but never overly bold

It’s the way you shuffle when you’re in a hurry,
It’s the way its not a run, but more of a scurry

It’s the way you secretly love reggae
It’s the way you say the word honey, (a word I generally hate hey)

It’s the way your knife and fork clink against the plate when you’re eating
It’s the way you feel about going into a meeting

It’s the way you laugh when telling a story 
It’s the way you could never bore me

It’s the way it feels when you high 5 me
It’s the way it feels when you hug me

It’s the way it feels when we talk
It’s the way it feels when we don’t talk

It’s the way it feels when you walk away,
It’s the way it feels when you say goodbye or leave for the day

It’s the way my heart feels about pretending
It’s the way this list could never have an ending…

100,000 Views on Love: My Own Greek Tragedy

May 22, 2012

It’s been a strange 7+ days for me…in fact my emotions have been off the chart for a variety of reasons, so I find myself wondering how much has actually been real and what’s been a result of my silly little self imposed head games.

Those around me, and I guess to a point, complete strangers, have been subject to the “new me”, with dare I say it, spectacular results.

I have provided moments of pure happiness for a variety of people for a variety of reasons, by simply being unselfish.

I’ve also found myself drawing out a lot of kindred spirits out the wood works and as a result, meeting new people who I actually like!

Therein I guess lay the problem…

You see, as much this new found confidence and way of viewing the world has shaped me into the best version of myself I have been in many a year, if not ever, I find myself tripping up over the same stumbling blocks that I’ve always had a problem with. New me…same result. There is a saying about what defines crazy that seems rather apt right about now.

Let me explain a bit…

If you’re a long time reader, you’ve loyally followed my luckless adventures in love and matters of the heart, and probably accidentally or on purpose used one of my many hated cliches on love, destiny etc.

I also mentioned in a previous blog about an unrequited love I had come across…

Then we also have a few unexpected surprises that crossed my path in the last few weeks.

Add all these elements together and you have the making a typical Burg heartbreak blog…with my emotions being pulled all over the place.

Let’s examine the players in this Greek tragedy of mine…and ask some rhetorical questions about what the next steps are.

In no particular order…

Player one is someone I met last week during my whirlwind trip to Durban. While I was waiting outside a conference hall for my seminar to start, this beautiful girl and I made eye contact and exchanged a smile. The old would of just watched her from afar, never having the courage to walk up to her and engage in conversation. The new me however walked up to her and started a conversation. I immediately felt there was something special about her. After the conference I asked her to coffee later in the day where we met up again and used the little time we had to get to know each other. The day ended with a hug. It was just one of those moments at will stay with me forever, I may never see her again, but boy do I hope we do..there is something there…something special. Every time I close my eyes I see her smile…and these eyes that just sparkle…STATUS: Taken

Player two is an interesting choice. She actually someone I noticed on my very first day at my new job, because she was the only person who smiled at me when I was introduced to everyone. It took us a good while to eventually start talking, however I soon realized my instincts about her were right. We had a lot of similar issues and she found it easy to talk to me about problems. I have that effect on people. They find they can open up and share things with me they can’t tell anyone else. I don’t mind being there for her in the slightest. Lately however we have begun flirting each other. All very innocent, and as she’s currently involved, I doubt it will go much further than that. I admit, I think we both like the attention and just enjoy it for what it is. Sometimes it hurts that it is so fleeting, and its not the type of relationship I have with someone else…but for now we just enjoy each others time. STATUS: Taken

Player three just has such a special place in my heart. It’s one of those situations where in a different time and place I could totally see myself with her. I think we both have so much love in our hearts that if our paths had crossed before she was so deep into a relationship, I would of liked to think we could have been something special too. I look at her with such admiration at the lengths she is going to for her love, and think how lucky that guy is. To find a love like that is rare, I know because I am like that with how far I would go. I’ve been so fortunate to spend some time with her away from our daily routine, and I am just so damn lucky to have the bond with her that I do. Its one of those “if only” friendships. STATUS: Taken

Player four is a girl who caught me by surprise, that being said, I knew we had bonded from our very first conversation…as I said, I’ve been drawing out kindred spirits, and this particular lady is definitely such. We are in the early stages of understanding how the other works…but she is definitely intriguing me. There are what other may call obstacles, but to me they are nothing that frighten me away. I am after all, “the moments guy”, and quite honestly whatever happens, happens. We won’t see each other very often, but I think when we do, there will always be something special between us. STATUS: Unknown

Yup. Player five.
I’ve saved the most important one for last. However, it’s the most heartbreaking of them all.

Firstly, I’m man enough to admit it. I have fallen in love, and unfortunately as always, with someone who doesn’t feel anything for me. At first I thought it was just another schoolboy crush, and maybe I just hoped it was. I listen to everyone’s advice about how I should approach the situation. For every person telling me to just tell her how I felt, I had someone telling me to be a complete @sshole around her, because women never go for the nice guy. For every person telling me to make sure I’m clear I don’t want to be her friend, I want to be more, I had someone telling me to be her friend first.

At the end of the day I am me. You either love me for that, or you don’t, she unfortunately doesn’t.

I wondered to myself, I’ve changed so much, and yet this version of who I am is still not enough. Then the self confidence issues start to fill your head…I’m too short, I’m too fat, I’m not sociable enough. I don’t drink. Whatever. It’s a total mind game with myself.

Then I think well if she just spent time with me away from the office she would see the real me.

She is dealing with her own issues too, and I feel so selfish about feeling the way I do. I’m there for her 100%, always will be, but my greatest fear is that while I’m there, some tall, successful, square jawed bad boy will just sweep in and take her. Because that’s what always happens. Heck when I hear conversations about her and other guys my heart breaks into a million pieces, and I just stand there nodding and pretending to smile about how awesome said guy would be for her.

After thinking long and hard about, the only “solution” here is for me to walk away. My heart yearns too much for her, and while I would be prepared to wait as long as it takes for her….I know I would spend he next 5 years trying to convince her of why I am the guy for her, and miss out on the world around me. I’ve been down that road before.

Just touching her hand energized me, and a hug here and there leaves me with a smile on my face for days. People have started to notice how I am around her, and sometimes I feel embarrassed for her…because I always try and treat her like the treasure that she is.

So that’s what I need to do….walk away, give her space to sort her life out…and settle for a friendship.

…….
……………………
……………………………………..
…………………………………………………..

No.
You know what…not this time.
I’m going to give everything I’ve got….
I’m going to fight for this girl….I deserve someone like her, and dammit she deserves someone like me.

The timing may not be right, and we both have our own lives to sort out, she may meet 100 guys between now and then, but there will be a then and I will not give up on her.

I’m going to enjoy my life for now, for those who come in and out of my life, and above all, I am going to live for those damn moments. We meet people at the exact time we are supposed to, and I’d like to believe this has started a string of events that will one day lead us to each other.

Kind regards
Love’s #1 Bitch

P.S….who is player 6?….dun dun dun

Sometimes, All You Need Is A Little Heartache To Feel Good About Life

May 7, 2012

An old friend once said to me, that I write about such heavy sh!t; but where would I find my inspiration once I have no more demons left?

I’m paraphrasing of course, but he was correct.

These last few months have produced so little writing, and for the longest time I was frustrated because I didn’t know why I couldn’t get inspired.

Then, suddenly I had the strangest of weeks. From losing friends, to making new ones, from seeing old friends in a new light, to seeing new friends in a familiar light…it’s been a week of epic proportions.

My emotions were off the chart for a number of reasons; and then, it all seemed to click. My emotions ARE what inspire me. I’ve created so many #BurgMoments for people lately that I was in fact at risk of going overboard!

When there is nothing going on in my life I am uninspired. So for all the contentment that I settle for, I sacrifice my creativity

To create, I need to be troubled. I need to be sad. I need unrequited love.

I didn’t and couldn’t understand this; I felt so guilty about feeling troubled when everything was suddenly going right. Like I was supposed to be thankful for what I had.

Over the last few months I couldn’t speak about this to anyone, because quite honestly nobody could understand it, nor would I expect them to, I guess. I didn’t have that one person who “got me”.

Recently two things have changed in my life.

I reconnected with my dearest friend, who I truly love to bits, because we are two sides of the same coin. The year or so that we drifted apart ripped a hole in me that I thought would never be repaired. But over the last few months, I’m happy to say I feel we have become closer than ever, and I know now with great certainty, that she will forever be the best part of my life, and I will work tirelessly to keep her in my life. She gives me perspective, and allows me my nuances that would quite honestly offend most of the population, because she is exactly the same. So to have you in my life Ray Ray, is my single greatest achievement I will have …um…achieved. I know you will read this, and I know you will understand way beyond the words I have used here. Ours is a friendship destined to be.

The time we spent apart was the hardest and loneliest time I’ve ever experienced, (and I’ve been through hell a number of times!), I strangely don’t regret it though; because I feel it’s made us realise what we really mean to each other.

The second person is someone I very much doubt will ever read this, and that’s perhaps a good thing.

It’s been a long, long time, since I have felt any sort of affection for a girl. I’ve had passing crushes, I’ve tried to flirt with old friends, but everything was so fleeting.

Now I find myself in a situation where I have found someone I am so comfortable liking, that everything feels right about it. When we talk we go from joking conversations to serious discussion without the awkwardness in between.

When she touches my hand, or stands close to me, I feel all my troubles disappear, even just for that moment. And those who know me know I am not a physical contact guy in the least.

We think the same things at the same times, we make the same jokes (which is so important to me), and I find myself wondering what she is doing right now as I type this blog.

But here’s the kicker.

This will never come to be anything more than this. My heart will ache because of this, but it will not fall to pieces.

I understand it’s not reciprocated, and for the first time in my life, I’m ok with this. It’s the strangest dichotomy.

It’s not one of those situations where “maybe” something will happen one day, it simply won’t. My line of ‘guys like me don’t get girls like her’ is in full effect here.

But for the first time in my life, when it comes to someone I find myself falling for, I am approaching it with my life motto of #LiveForTheMoments.

I am so happy when I’m around her, my heart beats a million miles a minute (yes, doctor friends I know that’s not how it works), she’s the sort of girl you could sit with in silence for an hour, and it would be the best hour of your life….well, unless we were being held captive like in a SAW movie, at that moment…but still, even with the torture going on, it would still be a pretty awesome time, just because I got to spend it with her.

Now each morning, I get up, with a smile on my face(book) because I know I will see her. I pack a good lunch because I know we will share it, and wear the good cologne because maybe, just maybe she will stand close to me…A guy can dream eh?

So to these two individuals, I say thank you, in your own ways, you inspire me in ways you will never know, you allow me to be who I am, and you bring out the best in me, most importantly, because of you I know who I am, and I feel complete. Demons and all.

Not Seeing The French Alps Changed My Life… (Part 1)

March 14, 2012

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It’s a sad state of affairs when you keep calling yourself a writer, yet the length of time between you actually writing something seemingly gets longer as the months and even years float by. I laugh at myself these days when I tell people I’m a writer. It almost seems like a lie. A well intentioned lie, but a lie none the less.

 

The most common question people ask me when I say I can’t write lately is “why?”

 

It’s such a layered question to answer. The simple answer is I’m not inspired.

 

That is the truth though. I’m not inspired in my life. In my career, in my friendships, or even in my dreams (so much for those dream & desire tattoos in my arms eh?). As a writer I should push myself to find ways to overcome that problem.

 

Finding inspiration is so difficult for me lately. Even my rant blogs don’t appeal to me anymore.

 

I have a hundred stories floating around in my head and yet can’t seem to translate them to paper. (or MS Word as the times would have it). The worst part is, I know those stories are good. Damn good.

 

It’s not hard to tell you what inspires me. It’s people. It’s person. It’s places. It’s place. It’s the impossible. It’s the dreams. It’s the desires. All wonderfully broad terms, yet their exact meanings are very clear to me.

 

When I was kid, I used to win the school book prize every year, (bar one or two), and the prize was always an amazing reference book of some sort, filled with history, places, people…things as a child you would only see in a book. I used to stare at those pictures, and touch them trying to put myself in that place or time and imagine a world so different from the one I was living. It brought me peace, and calmed me to the point of knowing exactly what I wanted out of life. I wanted to leave the place I was in. Be inspired by the world around me.

 

Fast forward 20 years…and I’m still in the same room. In the same house. In the same street. In the same neighbourhood. In the same country. I’m seeing the same person every day. I have the same conversations. I’m reliving the same drama over and over.

 

This week however, I felt a flame begin to burn inside me.

 

I can pinpoint it to seeing a picture someone posted on Facebook.

 

A picture of a particular friend (who I’ve never even met mind you) in the French Alps. It was so beautiful it saddened me…but as I looked at that picture, I touched it on my screen and I had that same feeling come over me that I had as a child. The want for a different world.

 

So I have a plan. A plan to breathe new life into my world…and perhaps even into those around me…it’s as outrageous as it should be from me.

 

Stay tuned…I will let you all know in part 2 of this blog how this effects all of us!

Goodbye 2011…I Hardly Knew Ya!

December 26, 2011

The old saying goes, “What a difference a day makes…” but I’m pretty certain you can just as easily substitute it with a year.

That’s pretty much how I look back on 2011.12.26

Last year this time things looked so bright…After the most eventful year of my life, I was celebrating what I considered to hopefully be my last Christmas in this country, because my future looked so bright.

My employer at the time had turned down my voluntary retrenchment with the promise that they had big plans for me for the upcoming year, which included time overseas.

I was pretty well set financially, and I was at peace with everything and ready to pursue my new life and ambition.
As the year proceeded, those false promises became frustratingly clear, and for the next 8 months I was toyed around with unfairly, to the point where I realized there was no future where I was.

The year itself had been tough, with financial problems and being a victim of crime hitting me unexpectedly again, as usual, and the funds quickly started deteriorating. This wouldn’t have been a problem if said employer had actually come through on their promises about a change in my pay scale.

Of course, my plans for New York took several knocks, to the point of where I was getting so angry that everyone else was “stealing my idea” and making their way over there. Every time someone posted news or photos, it hurt me more and more. That’s how much I love that place.

Things went south very quickly. And as previously blogged, I decided to walk out on everything I had been doing for the last 5 years, because I had wasted the last year of my life.

The calendar year itself provided VERY few highlights, and of course, the last 4 months I have spent at home licking my wounds.

It pretty easy to pick out the two highlights of my year.

The first is very easy to pick out, as it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for the last few years, and finally realized it since I had all this time to myself. In fact, I’m using it right now. I created myself, a man cave…or as I like to call it, the Burg Cave. It was fully completed this week, and I will post some pictures if I ever get a decent camera. It provides me with my own space to find inspiration again. It allows me to step away from my problems and sadness and find joy in the things that make me happy.

The crazy thing is, I haven’t had much human contact this year either, which is why the second highlight of my year is so important.

I finally saw an old friend of mine after 20years. We had a good dinner and watched a movie. One of the most simple things two people can do together, and it meant so much to me, because I don’t have THAT person in my life that I can do that with. She has always been one of my favourite people, and great company, so I’m glad I finally got the chance to see her again after all these years. The timing probably wasn’t great because it was a month before my pending unemployment, and of course the lack of income (and automobile), is a bit of snag, but I would like to take the time to thank Kim for being so patient and understanding in our new found old friendship. I can’t wait to see you again.

So that’s it. Two single highlights in a year that will be considered an utter disappointment, and a wasted year overall, some by my doing, but a most through the selfish actions of others.

I won’t even delve into the lowlights of my year, because that’s a story for another time.

It’s hardly surprising of course, 11 is my unlucky number, and for the last few years, I believed my untimely demise would arrive on 11/11/11.

It didn’t…and now I hope to make 2012 something special, and its starts with finding a new job, finding the confidence in myself and my talent again, putting in an effort with my friends, even if it means doing something I’m not used to doing. And hey, maybe I’ll even get some nookie next year.

The nookie, the what, the nookie, the what, it’s all about the nookie!

So good riddance 2011.

When Did The World Become So Mean?

June 29, 2011

Anyone who’s never met me before would be mistaken for thinking I’m cold and uncaring towards the world.

It’s easy to understand why too. I rant and I rave on this blog and my social networks. I speak the truth (as I see it), and tend to not let anything that irritates me slide.

However, that is pretty much as far from the truth as you can get. I happen to care a great deal, about everything.

Therein lay the problem. I continued to put my faith into the world and the people in it and time and time again it let’s me down which makes me sadder and sadder.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a whiner. I just don’t have a problem vocalizing my hurt and frustrations…which has gotten me into more trouble than I care to admit.

My question though, is when did the world become so mean?

Many weeks ago we had everyone stressing/mocking the event known as The Rapture. Whilst everyone had their own take on it, at the time I thought to myself – self…even though it’s complete and utter nonsense, I’d have actually be ok with the world ending (being cleansed).

I’m one of those guys who walk around looking at the world without blinkers on, which has major pitfalls of noticing the smallest of details.

Every day is filled with its share of disappointments sure, but was it always THIS bad? Perhaps. However, in my eyes I’ve noticed it getting worse and worse.

It’s the little things that hurt me the most.

People who making fleeting promises.
People who insult or bully others on a daily basis.
People who find it easier to swear or degrade others.
People who don’t admit their mistakes or take accountability for their actions.
People who lie, cheat, steal and laugh it off as a way of life.
People who immediately begin work on jokes and puns when someone dies.

I can tell when people are lying to me, and it hurts that they believe so much in their lies that they think they are convincing you.

There is so little honour left in the world. People’s word means nothing anymore. Yes, I was born in the wrong era, I’m well aware of that.

If you just sit back and watch the world around you, take note of how many acts of meanness you see. You’d be shocked. I know I am.

Anyways…this is just a random thought I’m having at the moment, but then again I think I might have tick bite fever again…I’ll come back to this blog when i have more coherent thoughts on the subject.