It’s been a strange 7+ days for me…in fact my emotions have been off the chart for a variety of reasons, so I find myself wondering how much has actually been real and what’s been a result of my silly little self imposed head games.
Those around me, and I guess to a point, complete strangers, have been subject to the “new me”, with dare I say it, spectacular results.
I have provided moments of pure happiness for a variety of people for a variety of reasons, by simply being unselfish.
I’ve also found myself drawing out a lot of kindred spirits out the wood works and as a result, meeting new people who I actually like!
Therein I guess lay the problem…
You see, as much this new found confidence and way of viewing the world has shaped me into the best version of myself I have been in many a year, if not ever, I find myself tripping up over the same stumbling blocks that I’ve always had a problem with. New me…same result. There is a saying about what defines crazy that seems rather apt right about now.
Let me explain a bit…
If you’re a long time reader, you’ve loyally followed my luckless adventures in love and matters of the heart, and probably accidentally or on purpose used one of my many hated cliches on love, destiny etc.
I also mentioned in a previous blog about an unrequited love I had come across…
Then we also have a few unexpected surprises that crossed my path in the last few weeks.
Add all these elements together and you have the making a typical Burg heartbreak blog…with my emotions being pulled all over the place.
Let’s examine the players in this Greek tragedy of mine…and ask some rhetorical questions about what the next steps are.
In no particular order…
Player one is someone I met last week during my whirlwind trip to Durban. While I was waiting outside a conference hall for my seminar to start, this beautiful girl and I made eye contact and exchanged a smile. The old would of just watched her from afar, never having the courage to walk up to her and engage in conversation. The new me however walked up to her and started a conversation. I immediately felt there was something special about her. After the conference I asked her to coffee later in the day where we met up again and used the little time we had to get to know each other. The day ended with a hug. It was just one of those moments at will stay with me forever, I may never see her again, but boy do I hope we do..there is something there…something special. Every time I close my eyes I see her smile…and these eyes that just sparkle…STATUS: Taken
Player two is an interesting choice. She actually someone I noticed on my very first day at my new job, because she was the only person who smiled at me when I was introduced to everyone. It took us a good while to eventually start talking, however I soon realized my instincts about her were right. We had a lot of similar issues and she found it easy to talk to me about problems. I have that effect on people. They find they can open up and share things with me they can’t tell anyone else. I don’t mind being there for her in the slightest. Lately however we have begun flirting each other. All very innocent, and as she’s currently involved, I doubt it will go much further than that. I admit, I think we both like the attention and just enjoy it for what it is. Sometimes it hurts that it is so fleeting, and its not the type of relationship I have with someone else…but for now we just enjoy each others time. STATUS: Taken
Player three just has such a special place in my heart. It’s one of those situations where in a different time and place I could totally see myself with her. I think we both have so much love in our hearts that if our paths had crossed before she was so deep into a relationship, I would of liked to think we could have been something special too. I look at her with such admiration at the lengths she is going to for her love, and think how lucky that guy is. To find a love like that is rare, I know because I am like that with how far I would go. I’ve been so fortunate to spend some time with her away from our daily routine, and I am just so damn lucky to have the bond with her that I do. Its one of those “if only” friendships. STATUS: Taken
Player four is a girl who caught me by surprise, that being said, I knew we had bonded from our very first conversation…as I said, I’ve been drawing out kindred spirits, and this particular lady is definitely such. We are in the early stages of understanding how the other works…but she is definitely intriguing me. There are what other may call obstacles, but to me they are nothing that frighten me away. I am after all, “the moments guy”, and quite honestly whatever happens, happens. We won’t see each other very often, but I think when we do, there will always be something special between us. STATUS: Unknown
Yup. Player five.
I’ve saved the most important one for last. However, it’s the most heartbreaking of them all.
Firstly, I’m man enough to admit it. I have fallen in love, and unfortunately as always, with someone who doesn’t feel anything for me. At first I thought it was just another schoolboy crush, and maybe I just hoped it was. I listen to everyone’s advice about how I should approach the situation. For every person telling me to just tell her how I felt, I had someone telling me to be a complete @sshole around her, because women never go for the nice guy. For every person telling me to make sure I’m clear I don’t want to be her friend, I want to be more, I had someone telling me to be her friend first.
At the end of the day I am me. You either love me for that, or you don’t, she unfortunately doesn’t.
I wondered to myself, I’ve changed so much, and yet this version of who I am is still not enough. Then the self confidence issues start to fill your head…I’m too short, I’m too fat, I’m not sociable enough. I don’t drink. Whatever. It’s a total mind game with myself.
Then I think well if she just spent time with me away from the office she would see the real me.
She is dealing with her own issues too, and I feel so selfish about feeling the way I do. I’m there for her 100%, always will be, but my greatest fear is that while I’m there, some tall, successful, square jawed bad boy will just sweep in and take her. Because that’s what always happens. Heck when I hear conversations about her and other guys my heart breaks into a million pieces, and I just stand there nodding and pretending to smile about how awesome said guy would be for her.
After thinking long and hard about, the only “solution” here is for me to walk away. My heart yearns too much for her, and while I would be prepared to wait as long as it takes for her….I know I would spend he next 5 years trying to convince her of why I am the guy for her, and miss out on the world around me. I’ve been down that road before.
Just touching her hand energized me, and a hug here and there leaves me with a smile on my face for days. People have started to notice how I am around her, and sometimes I feel embarrassed for her…because I always try and treat her like the treasure that she is.
So that’s what I need to do….walk away, give her space to sort her life out…and settle for a friendship.
You know what…not this time.
I’m going to give everything I’ve got….
I’m going to fight for this girl….I deserve someone like her, and dammit she deserves someone like me.
The timing may not be right, and we both have our own lives to sort out, she may meet 100 guys between now and then, but there will be a then and I will not give up on her.
I’m going to enjoy my life for now, for those who come in and out of my life, and above all, I am going to live for those damn moments. We meet people at the exact time we are supposed to, and I’d like to believe this has started a string of events that will one day lead us to each other.
Love’s #1 Bitch
P.S….who is player 6?….dun dun dun