Anniversary is generally a term that’s used for celebration or a not so subtle reminder that an expensive gift is due. For people like me, the word is used several times a year for a more forlorn purpose.
I always hit a major funk during this second quarter of the year, in fact May, June and July in particular are heavy going.
In May it’s the anniversary of my brother’s death.
In June it’s my late dad’s birthday, and the anniversary of my cousin’s death.
In July it’s my brother’s birthday, and on the exact same day, the anniversary of my Gran’s death.
Sure there are more deaths and anniversaries spread out across the rest of the year, but for these three months, the world seems like one long cruel joke.
It seemingly gets more difficult as the years pass, I think particular because milestones start hitting.
Things like people being dead for longer than you knew them alive for. That’s always a hard one.
Sometimes for a split second I forget what my dad looks like, and that hurts a lot, of course I’ll never actually forget what he looks like, but for that brief moment I’m angry with myself.
I miss my Gran tremendously. She was always the rock that kept the extended family together. In truth I don’t really feel like I have any family anymore, apart from my mom of course. It sad, but it’s a reality. I maybe see certain family members once every few years, but there are no longer family gatherings like there used to be back in the day. True, we’ve all grown up now…well…those of us that are left.
My cousin’s death was a strange one. Particularly based on what the family went through with my brother’s suicide. There are perhaps more unanswered questions to his death than with my brother’s. I will always be thankful that I got to spend time with my cousin in New York. We all know about my desire to get back there. Andre was the only guy who saw how happy I was there and that for me it was perfect contentment. Nobody else has ever seen me that way. I miss him so much because he truly supported my dream and was proud of all my achievements. I’ve never felt anyone else being that proud of me,
I’ve been into detail about my brother’s death before, so I won’t touch on that now, but what I will say is that my brother’s death is what has put my life into the situation it is now. Both good and bad. I’m angry with him and always will be, but I don’t blame him for what he did. I understand, and I do feel him got the better deal outta all this.
Anyways…I know we all have our share of bad days. I guess in this case, it’s just best to fake a smile and waves boys….